Feeling strangely calm this 2WW

I really thought I would be a mess right now, stressing and feeling anxious about our first IUI 2WW. But honestly I am feeling pretty good. I don't have any inclination one way or the other if the IUI worked or not, but I know that we are doing all that we can and if it doesn't happen this month we will figure out our new plan and move on. That is a pretty big deal for me to feel so calm!

Our IUI on Sunday was very uneventful. We were up really early to be at the RE's office at 7:30 for Mr. CB to do his thing. I had a sono that showed my lining went up to 7.05...not great, but better than it has been. Then came the waiting game. My appointment was for 9 am, but we didn't end up getting called back until about 10. I was surprised that it wasn't a doctor that did the procedure, but a nurse. She was very sweet, and talked us through the entire thing. She did have some problems getting the catheter in and had to use some kind of other tool but it found it's way eventually. I had a little bit of discomfort but nothing too bad. Mr. CB held my hand and when it was over and the nurse had left, he kissed my belly and we said a little prayer that this will be our month.

Photo Credit

On Monday, I had an appointment with a therapist to talk about all my emotions that I am feeling as I deal with infertility. I have an EAP program through work that is free, and since we are spending so much money on my treatments, I wanted to try to use it to save some money. They sent me a big list and I basically just had to pick someone out and hope for the best. They didn't have any providers that specialize in IF, so they gave me family counselors. I went in to the appointment hoping that she would help me deal with some of my crazy feelings, but when she told me to wear a rubber band and snap my wrist each time I thought about getting pregnant so I could "refocus" my thoughts, I knew this was going to be an unsuccessful visit!

Photo Credit

I am going to try to find a support group or counselor through my RE's office or some websites friends have shared. I know now that it's really important to find someone who has experience dealing with an IF patient.

Be careful what you wish for.

Disclaimer: There are no pictures in this blog entry. I didn't write this to entertain. I cried almost every second I was typing. This isn't about being bitter, this isn't about being sad, and it most certainly isn't about trying to make people feel better about what we're going through. This is about life. Real hard honest painful unfair life. If you're looking for funny pictures and entertainment, you're going to have to look elsewhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be Careful What You Wish For

When we got our male factor diagnosis, I cried. I told my husband that I would rather have something be wrong with me, so this didn’t have to be on his shoulders.

What an idiot I was.

Since I was a young teenager, all I have ever wanted in the world is to be a mom. All I have wanted to do is to take care of my babies. Raise them and have the best family I can have.

Now I’m 34 years old… and I’m being faced with the possibility that we might never have that family.

3 weeks ago, I found out that our first IVF cycle failed. I knew that I didn’t respond the way they thought I might. I knew that our embryos were pretty sub-par. But I also KNEW that I was over-suppressed from the lupron. I KNEW that with a different protocol, I would respond better, and my eggs and subsequent embryos would kick ass.

Dr Z had other ideas. Half way through my stims, he became convinced that I had diminished ovarian reserve (DOR), AKA really old sucky eggs. He said that if this cycle didn’t work, he was going to do some additional testing.

But I KNEW it wouldn’t be necessary.

I was so wrong. About everything. And as usual, Dr Z proves why we picked him as our doctor.

The tests came back. My AMH is 0.5. That sucks. It worse than sucks. It’s sucktastic.

He says that he's not ready to throw in the towel YET. He likened my ovaries to a baseball team. He said that I have the players, but it was difficult to tell what condition they might be in, and how many might be on the bench. I said, "Great, I'm the New York Mets" (and honestly, after being a Mets fan for my whole life, I should be used to the disappointment).

Dr Z said now that he knows what the problem is, he can treat me more appropriately. He said my ovaries are a lot older than I am... probably about 42 or so… and now he has to treat me like that. He wants to see how I respond to a new protocol (my nurse should be calling me later today with details). But he also said that if this next cycle doesn't work, his recommendation would be donor eggs (DE).

My husband and I had already had a LONG talk the morning before we spoke with Dr Z about where we were going to draw the line. I finally know where he stands with all of the options, and I'm relieved about that. He's okay with DE, but not donor sperm. Okay with domestic adoption, but not embryo adoption.

We won’t move on to DE until we get a second opinion. So, if IVF #2 fails, we plan on probably getting two second opinions: one at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), a leading center for ART, via phone consult and another at a leading medical center in Manhattan. Following those, we'll probably be moving onto DE.

However, DH is convinced that now that we know about these issues, IVF #2 is going to work.

I'm going to start acupuncture again, start seeing a chiropractor and we're going to try to go to an infertility counselor, because i'm really depressed. The IVF not working was bad enough - now I’m a devastated mess. There hasn’t been a day without crying since I found out. I don’t know how much more I can take.

There’s no question now that I’m in good hands. Dr Z clearly knows what he’s talking about. I can't imagine many people would have looked at me last cycle and said DOR. I thought I was just over-suppressed, but he saw my response and said, “Look, even with your normal FSH and normal antral follicle count (AFC), something is wrong here. This isn't because of medication. We need to run more tests.”

He was right. I hate it - but he was right.

He also said that my blood work came back positive for the genetic mutation MTHFR. I’m going to find out exactly which mutation tomorrow, when I get copies of my blood work. Dr Z says I don’t have to take any blood thinners, but he has me now on very high dose folic acid. I’m taking a total of 5mg daily. He says that he needs me on it for 4 weeks before we can try again, so we can still plan on cycling for March. I’ll have to continue taking the high dose folic acid as long as we’re TTC or pregnant… which right now feels like the rest of my life. Another complication of MTHFR is elevated homocysteine levels. However, my homocysteine levels are normal.

I’m sorry that this was so long. It’s all the information I have. I feel like all of my dreams are slipping away from me. It’s very easy for people to say “oh, it’s not bad news” and “oh there’s still hope” but this is the end of the world for me.

I’m 34 years old and my eggs are crap.

The worst thing about this is the not knowing. In the beginning, my evaluation was normal. Every single part of it. Dr Z says these tests are really expensive and the insurance companies won’t pay for them unless they can be shown cause, which the failed IVF cycle gave us. I wish we had known about this 2 months ago. Or 7 months ago when we went through our initial testing.

And I hate what this has done to me. EVERY girl I see whose only diagnosis is MFI, I think to myself “that’s what you think” or “for your sake I hope so”.

Because up until 2 days ago, MFI was my only diagnosis too… and I had all the hope in the world.

Now it will be a miracle if I can even use my own eggs.

From the top to the bottom in one phone call.

Be careful what you wish for.

IUI #1 is scheduled!

Our first IUI is scheduled for Sunday and I am feeling such a mix of emotions. I am excited, nervous, optimistic, scared and worried all at the same time. When we went in this morning for our ultrasound, they told me that my follicles looked great (I had three at 18, 15 and 14) and the my lining looked better but not great (6.5). I asked the nurse what she thought about us doing an IUI and she said it was up to us. We asked to talk to my doctor, and she is on maternity leave! So we just had to make the decision on our own. We talked to the financial person to get an exact price, and we decided to just go with it!

I am doing two more days of the estrogen patches in hopes that by Sunday my lining will get a bit thicker. We have to go in on Sunday at 7:30 am for Mr. CB to do his thing =) then the IUI is scheduled for 9 am. It seems like a pretty easy, painless process. It's amazing to me that when I first started this TTC journey, things like IUI's, RE's, trigger shots, etc. were foreign and scary, and now they are my everyday life.

I have been feeling the past few weeks that IF is taking over my life. Mr. CB has been very worried about me, and how down I've been. I know I need to not worry and not stress because I can't control any of this, but I haven't done a good job of staying happy and positive. I decided to call my insurance and get some information about seeing a therapist. I have an appointment scheduled for Monday and I hope that she can help me sort through all my feelings.

So we have a big weekend ahead for the Chef Buds...wish us luck!

We're approved, part II & staying positive!

This week, I have been working out all of the many financial details that go along with OOP IVF. We received final approval & signed off on our $20K loan for the shared risk program. Mr. Worry Bud & I are going to pay the other $2K OOP tomorrow when I go in for my mock embryo transfer (MET) & injects training class. Now, the only other thing money-wise is completing the FSA forms for reimbursement. Usually with FSAs, they require that all services you are being reimbursed for have been rendered, but in this case I'm not sure how they are going to handle it since technically "services" could mean anywhere from 1 cycle (hopefully!) to 6...more if you count the FETs that are included in the program. The financial coordinator from my fertility center says that she has had to deal with several patients who did shared risk & used their FSA for partial reimbursement & she doubts there will be a problem. I had a few conversations with an FSA representatives before signing up & they assured me that my IVF would be covered, so I hope we don't run into any road blocks with them. Mr WB & I agreed that I, Worry Bud - an avid questioner of circumstances - will never be completely satisfied with any answer any one gives me & to just take a leap of faith that everything will work out how it should, and so that's what we did. I will be talking to our RE's financial counselor tomorrow a little more about how to get the documentation for FSA reimbursement.

Photo Credit

Tonight I am attending a free (woot!) IVF support group the counseling group that works with my fertility center is holding. I am hoping to meet other women in a similar situation & gain even more hope & confidence that this will be it for us!! Tomorrow is my MET & injects training, and we got all of my meds on Tuesday (I'll post a pic of all the meds next time). I start Lupron injections & baby aspirin next Tuesday, so in just a few short days. So far, I'm feeling good & very positive about this cycle. As I mentioned before, I am doing a lot of preparation emotionally to get through this cycle - I know it'll be tough & I definitely have my moments of being worried if it will work or not, scared & nervous about everything I will have to endure, but I am trying not to focus on those feelings right now. I am acknowledging & accepting the fact that they are there...my IF counselor I went to see last week says that those are normal feelings & that I need to just accept that there is a certain degree of uncertainty, but in the end there's nothing you can do to change that, but how much energy you put into those feelings are what matter. So I am making a conscious choice to focus my energy on being positive & reflecting on the VERY exciting possible outcome!!! Again, thank you SO much to everyone who is keeping us in their T&P during this time...it means so much to us! :o)

Talking about IF with others

I don't know if it was the post-Christmas blues, the end of 2009, or our upcoming IVF, but starting the middle of last week I was feeling pretty horrible - lonely & anxious to be exact. I told Mr. Worry Bud about it & told him that I think I want to speak to one of the IF counselors at my RE's office & he agreed that I probably should...he even offered to go with me! So, I am calling today to to see if we can get an appointment sometime in the near future. I just want to be sure I talk about my anxiety & why I am scared with someone who has experience with IF. I feel like it will better prepare me for IVF & all the emotions that go along with it.

Photo Credit

I also told my mother & sister about our IF this weekend. They were both very understanding & supportive & I am soooo happy I told them. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off me now that they know. I can't really explain it, but that's how I feel. It made the whole rest of my weekend better after talking to both of them about everything we are going through. I saw both of them in person & I basically just explained how we started seeing a Dr. about my short cycles & that as part of standard procedures, they test both partners. I told them that all of the testing on me came back normal, but the testing on Mr. WB revealed that his semen quality was not ideal for us to conceive the natural way. I told them that I would not discuss the specifics of the S/A findings, and they respected that. I told them the Dr. gave us a less than 5% chance of conceiving on our own & that Mr. WB & I had decided to move forward with IVF. My mom - who is not a very emotional person - said that she was very sorry to hear about it & asked lots of questions about my RE (success rates, how good the fertility center was). My sister asked more about the IVF procedure itself & I explained all that I could & told her we'd be starting shortly. They both asked how much it was going to cost us & I told them what we were paying & how many cycles it included. I am so happy that I told them now - they are probably the only IRL family (or friends) that we will tell. I think we may talk about it more after we have children, but for now we want it to be a private matter.

My next hurdle will be telling my job. We have a very very liberal sick leave policy & I know my supervisor won't ask too many questions, but I am still scared to tell him/them about what's going on. I'm not sure how exactly I will tell them, but I will most likely do it in the next month or so. Obviously before the actual IVF cycle starts, but probably after the mock embryo transfer & any other testing/procedures that takes place in the month preceding the actual ER/ET. I want to talk privately with my boss & ask that he keep the information to himself, and say that I am undergoing treatment for a non-serious (it is to me, but I don't want to give TMI) medical condition that will require outpatient surgery & monitoring appointments before/after the procedure. I think that telling them once, even if we have to do IVF more than once (H&P that we don't!), then they won't really question me switching my telework days around, coming in to work late, or taking sick leave when needed. I am not going to give them a time frame & hopefully they won't ask. I hope that they respect my privacy & do not tell any other management (some of the managers in my office have big mouths)...and I don't want any of my colleagues questioning me about what's going on. Photo Credit (for above image).

As far as my current cycle, I have been slacking this past weekend on temping - I would wake up & then fall back asleep before temping. I temp REALLY early - at 5am, so it's really hard to wake up on the weekends! I did temp consistently until I confirmed my O for cycle #7 and then off & on since then. I noticed this AM (7 DPO) that my temp dropped pretty close to the cover line, so we will see what happens. I am not feeling the familiar twinges that tells me AF is coming, but sometimes I don't really before hand. Once/if (still wishful thinking that we could have a miracle BFP ;o) AF starts, I will call my RE nurse & get further directions on when to start the BCPs. I am feeling okay, mostly just ready & full of hope to become a mommy soon! Please continue to pray for us & send any positive thoughts for a successful 1st IVF attempt our way...your T&P mean more than I can ever express in words!