Crossroads

I've spent the past week trying to decide what to do next. I'm willing to give up and live child-free, but Mr. GB really wants children, and I owe it to him to keep trying. I thought I would be clever and let him look into adoption, but it seems that football playoffs are more interesting, so I've taken over the research.

I looked into gestational carriers. We are lucky to live in Washington (the state), which is close to Oregon, which has very liberal laws that allow paying for gestational carriers. For a mere $60-70k, we could maybe have a baby or twins with our remaining frosties. Or maybe the embies wouldn't thaw. Who knows. I do know that I'm not yet prepared to spend that kind of money. Not yet anyway.

So that leaves adoption. Neither one of us has an issue with the idea of adoption, but I'm afraid the realities are going to give us pause. I've been looking into local agencies and some that came recommended to me. I liked a particular Christian organization, except we don't go to church and therefore don't qualify. Another agency I really liked only placed 10 infants last year. That doesn't seem like enough to me. And another agency only does domestic adoptions of African American babies, which is right for some people but not for me. The final agency I really like has good stats, a decent wait, and oh yeah, about 25% of the babies are exposed to drugs in utero.

So I've gone from trying to have bio babies, to trying to have donor egg babies, to possibly adopting a baby that may have special needs due to drug exposure.

Call me a terrible person but I don't think I can handle this type of situation. This agency also pushes open adoptions, which Mr. GB sort of freaked out about. He hasn't read the "Adoption for Dummies" book that I keep shoving in his hands, so he doesn't have a clue about what we're about to embark on. And when I bring it up, he acts all uncomfortable, like he's getting a prostate exam.

In other words, we're getting nowhere.

We have a lot more talking to do.

Happy Barren Day to me.

Just got back from my second opinion, $365 poorer and full of bad news.

The doctor thinks that my "D&E with retained placenta" likely fvcked up my lining to the point of no return. Even if it looks ok in a hysteroscopy, the biology of my lining has changed and there's really nothing anyone can do. He said we could try a couple of mock cycles to see if things improve by some miracle, but it's unlikely. He thinks that after a fresh and frozen DE failure, the writing is on the wall and that we ought to save those embies for a gestational carrier. He gave me the name of an agency in Oregon, which apparently has better laws than Washington.

So now we have to decide what to do. Never in a million years did I think I'd ever be incapable of carrying a child.

But then again, that's just my luck, isn't it? 

Shot through the heart at dinner

Yesterday my FET was officially proclaimed a negative (via email, at my request). Today I picked up Mr. GB's records and shuttled his thin stack and my gigantic stack to clinic #2. I knew exactly where to go--it's right next door to the MFM clinic where we got such horrible news this summer. I was a little taken aback walking in and seeing a male receptionist, but I instantly liked him when he offered to photocopy all of my records. Any bit of compassion helps these days so I accepted his offer and browsed their various brochures. Picked up one for an acupuncture clinic (yay, another out-of-pocket expense) and made my way home to file away the copies in a locked drawer. Nothing to see here.

Tonight we went to my dad/step-mom's house for dinner. All their Christmas cards were on display and I saw two that ripped my heart out--two photo cards of babies of family/friend couples we know, both of whom got married AFTER us and are substantially younger. Good for them having sex & making babies! That's so awesome. One was even due on my due date. She got to keep her baby and put it on a Christmas card. I got to send out yet another card featuring Golden Dog (for the third in a row). Is this what our lives will be like--perpetual Christmas cards of our dog? Won't people start to feel sorry for us? Do they already?

Call me Debbie Downer Bud

I just noticed that my last post was wedged between a joyous birth and 3 optimistic & excited Buds.

Ugh. Really sorry to be the Debbie Downer of the bunch. Infertility is no fun and I'm sorry I'm never the bearer of good news.

Well for what it's worth, I went in for my beta test this morning, which seems pointless considering I already stopped all my meds (so sue me!) but I suppose we need to make the BFN official. The good news is that I had a chat with their very sweet receptionist and she gave me a thick stack of all my records so that I can get a second opinion at a competing clinic. And when I got home, I made an appointment with their top doctor for January 5th, a week from today.

It's such a relief to get some fresh eyes and ideas involved with minimal wait. I will probably go to the appointment alone--Mr. GB gets all kinds of confused and stressed out at these things, and to make matters worse, the clinic is right next door to the MFM clinic where we had our terrible ultrasound. Being married to Mr. Sensitive definitely has its downsides. Better to fly solo on this one.

And in case you were wondering, I busted into that big envelope and looked through all the records. Did you know they keep notes on every call and every appointment? There were records of all my surgeries, all my ultrasounds, and all the embryo reports. I found nothing surprising or disturbing (fortunately I already knew the karyotyping results of our baby otherwise that would've been a surprise). I can't make any sense out of the embryology reports, which is the only thing I am remotely curious about. But anyway, I'm content to hand off those papers and never look at them again. Good riddance.

I also made an appointment today to get my overdue physical. I love my primary care physician--she's young and hip and not at all the lecturing type. I'm kind of excited to see her because I have a laundry list of items to ask her about: I need a tetanus shot, and I'm going to ask her about going back on Lipitor for awhile--I've been off of it for 3 years while TTC and I'm sure my cholesterol is sky high. I'm also going to get some more acne medication and maybe some fancy folic acid/B12 vitamins. It'll be nice to talk to a doctor about health issues that aren't aren't about pregnancy (or lack thereof). And it'll be nice to go to a doctor and have the appointment paid for. I forget what that's like.

So it's not all gloom and doom here. I'm actually feeling pretty good, all things considered. I see us approaching the end of TTC road in 2011, and we are going to have to pick a new path. I think Mr. GB is a little bit in denial and has put off a conversation about next steps, but ultimately he wants a baby, too. Puppies and rainbows and miracles don't seem to be working. Maybe adoption is our only choice. Maybe surrogacy. Maybe a new clinic & some vaginal Viagra will help my lining. Who knows.

Golden Bud

I'm calling BFN

Still getting stark white sticks. And every morning before my PIO shot I can feel AF knocking on my door. Contrary to what the inexperienced IVFers all say (aka the "puppies and rainbows" assurances), it's pretty much impossible for me to get a positive beta at this point. I'd have some hope if I had even half a pregnancy symptom, but I don't. I'm super tempted to just stop all my meds and enjoy the holidays. I'm super tempted to enjoy the holidays anyway (and by "enjoy," I mean "drink heavily").

I've also had some time to reflect on my bitter infertile's New Year's resolutions:

• Switch RE's at my clinic
• Get a second opinion at another clinic
• Find out WTF is wrong with my lining
• Take a few cycles off
• Possibly kill more embies by putting them in my uterus
• Turn 40
• Suggest to Mr. GB that he start looking into adoption (I did all the IF work; it's his turn now)

The truth is we are running out of money. We won't be bankruptcy broke, but we won't have any savings left if we do another fresh cycle. And I refuse to put any more embies back until my lining gets above 8. These two things could severely limit our options to the point where adoption could be our only solution. It's not what I want, but what can you do? If your eggs are fvcked and your uterus is fvcked then there isn't much point in trying to have a baby.

Never in a million years did I think I'd be childless at 40. Most days I can deal with it, but I do have bouts of sadness. I was reminded once again of our childless status yesterday when I found out that our friends (who don't have kids--she's in law school) hosted their annual "cookie party" for all of their friends who have kids. So what that means is that 3 sets of our good friends got invited, but we did not. My best friend was among the invitees and we had lunch yesterday and she told me all about it. I told her it was too bad that my baby didn't have a skull, otherwise we wouldn't be childless and thus we'd qualify for attendance. This of course is my bitterness talking, and I'm sure my friend would have invited me if I'd asked. But then I'd be at a party with a bunch of OPKs (other peoples' kids) and that's no fun, either.

All this whining aside, I still love my life. I have a million things to be happy for and just one that makes me sad. That's pretty good in my book.

If you don't hear from me until after the holidays, you can safely assume that I've gotten my BFN and am too tipsy on champagne to post an update.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Golden Bud

The insanity continues - 5dp5dt

As usual, I woke up around 4am and had a hard time going back to sleep. Got out of bed around 7, tested with FMU, got another BFN. Usually by 8am, Mr. GB gives me my PIO shot, but this morning he slept in. What's weird is that all morning I had that gross feeling that AF is arriving. Not so much crampy as yucky. I thought maybe it's because my PIO shot was later than usual? Well who knows, but I took it as a positive sign because for my successful cycle, I had cramps at 7dp3dt (10dpo). Can you believe how delusional I am??

The yucky feeling eventually went away, and I didn't notice much cramping. All day long I hummed to myself to check my voice. High notes are still there. The only notable symptom is that I had no CM today that I could tell (and it's usually very obvious due to the turquoise estrogen pills). Tested again late afternoon, also got a BFN.

I'm at the point where I no longer trust my eyesight in analyzing HPTs, so I developed a method of adjusting photos (using photo editing software) to help me better see lines. This afternoon's stick was 100% BFN, no doubt about it.

I haven't completely given up--I suppose I could still get a BFP tomorrow or even Friday, but really, what are the chances? I'm bummed but not as crushed as I'd be if we didn't have 2 frosties left. Mr. GB is still optimistic (talk about delusional!).

That's it for now. If you need me, I'll be at the funny farm.

Golden Bud

I am officially insane

4dp5dt=BFN

I haven't seen sticks this white in a long time. I've been lucky getting BFPs right away for my last two cycles (even if they are the kind you pull from the trash). And even after my losses, I still had plenty of BFPs waiting for my hcg to go down. It seemed I could never get a white stick when I wanted one. And now it's all I've got.

Yes, it's early. Very early. But for my last cycle, my chemical, I got a faint BFP on the evening of 9dpo.

My promising symptoms are now gone, other than the sore boobs that I had before the transfer (thanks PIO).

I'm not hopeful. Not crushed, just resigned.

Golden Bud

Signs

My 2WW is turning into an M. Night Shyamalamadingdong movie, I swear.

Yesterday was 2dp5dt. I think I might've felt faint cramps. I think my stomach might've been like .1% queasy after dinner. Coincidence? If I didn't have two embies in me, I probably wouldn't have noticed a thing.

But then I went to brush my teeth before bed and gagged when using my tongue scraper.

That never happens...

Oh wait, it used to happen all the time when I had my "for reals" pregnancy. I never had morning sickness, but my gag reflect was super sharp and I had to be careful when brushing my teeth.

I'd completely forgotten about that symptom until it happened last night.

Hmmm.

And then I woke up around 4am this morning and never did go back to sleep. In fact, I was wide awake. That hasn't happened since...

...since I was really pregnant.

And so this morning I POAS'd. And I swear I saw the faintest outline of a line. Maybe it was an evap. But I didn't see that shadow on my pee sticks from yesterday (yes, I peed on three sticks yesterday--so sue me!)

All these symptoms are strangely coincidental, no?

Swing away...

Golden Bud

A good sign (I hope!)

For my chemical pregnancy, I was using the Countdown to Pregnancy site to track my symptoms. You can enter symptoms for each day past ovulation and see how your symptoms compare to those of other women on the same day. You can also track pregnancy test results. It was fun until I found out I was having a chemical, and then I was so bummed that I deleted that cycle. Now I kinda wish I hadn't.

The good news is that (A) having been pregnant twice this year and (B) having blogged about some of my symptoms, I know my symptoms pretty well, and lo-and-behold I think I experienced an early symptom last night--the chills. Happened last night about 1:00 am. We had gone to bed about midnight but I was having trouble falling asleep. I was in bed under a warm blanket and I was COLD! The shivers didn't last long (I think I fell asleep) but I now have some hope that my little embies are sticking around. At first I thought--wow, symptoms just 12 hours past transfer??--but then this morning I checked an earlier blog post and found that I'd written that  1dp5dt I'd had the chills. Given the fact that one of my little embies had fully hatched, perhaps it wasn't too soon for one of them to start to implant?

Or I could be completely hallucinating. My next symptoms should be losing my high notes when singing and some dull AF-type cramps. Oh yeah, and a positive HPT.

So while I wait for more symptoms, I thought I'd introduce you to my embies, Trouble and Scooter, named for their unwillingness to get into the catheter before the transfer. Trouble is first one, the fully hatched blastocyst. I wish I'd asked the embryologist what quality they are. I tried comparing them to the pictures on this site but can't really grade them myself.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm going to go relax and wait for some more symptoms!

Pregnant til proven otherwise (again)

I'm back from my frozen embryo transfer. All morning I waited for them to call and tell me none survived the thaw, but I was mostly in luck--they thawed 3 and transferred 2 really nice blasts. One had completely hatched, which I'd never seen before, another looked really good (so I'm told), and the third didn't make it. We still have 2 on ice in case this fails.

My second-favorite doctor, Dr. L., did the transfer. I think he's about my age, which is scary. The reason I assume so is because when he did one of my egg retrievals, he was playing 80s music in the surgical room (I remember Toto's "Africa" before being put under). Anyway, this was the third transfer he's done for me, and it was flawless. They embryologist had a little trouble getting the embryos corralled, but the catheter went right in and we were done. Then I had to wait 15 minutes with a painfully full bladder, and after that I came home.

So now we wait.

I'm going to take it easy this weekend and other than working Monday, I'm off for the next two weeks. I'm going to start peeing on a stick 4 days from now. My beta is 12/27. I hope to God this works.

Golden Bud

SSDD: My lining still sucks

Went in for a follow-up ultrasound today. I'm on 4 estrogen patches and 2x/day estrogen supps and guess what, my lining hasn't budged. It's still around 6.5. Well technically we did manage to find an angle that measured 6.8, but this took a lot of probing and there were still plenty of angles that measured barely above 6. There is also a spot of fluid in my uterus again, though it's close to my cervix and they think it's mucus (my last estrogen count was in the 1600s and the mucus seems like a logical diagnosis). Whatever.

So the nurse called the doctor in to look and although you need glasses to even see my lining on an ultrasound, it does show a nice trilaminar (aka "triple stripe") pattern. The doctor was pleased enough that we got the green light to move ahead with my FET on 12/17. In the meantime, I'm going to start drinking POM juice again and maybe start taking baby aspirin (the doctor gave me the ok but I didn't have any so I haven't started yet).

Sigh.

All this goes to show that no matter how much money or time you spend, you may not end up with a baby. I am beyond encouraging words or "power penguin vibes" at this point. I wonder if the people who say "Keep trying" have any idea how much $$ we've spent (at last count it was something like $33k in insurance and another $30k or so out of pocket). For us, "keep trying" really equates to "keep spending money." Clearly throwing money at my uterus is getting me nowhere. We have 5 frosties and I am grateful that they don't cost much $$ to put back, just patience. I'm already starting to plan ahead for when those fail. We'll probably try a frozen egg bank next, though I'm afraid they might reject my shitty uterus. Maybe we'd get better results with donor sperm? Who knows. Maybe we should just get another puppy and get on with our lives.

And I'm still waiting for the much-hated-by-infertiles question "Why don't you just adopt?"

Well because that takes years and tens of thousands of dollars too, and I don't see the odds being any better than what we're trying now.

Maybe we need a gestational carrier. I can't even fathom what that would cost.

The puppy idea is sounding better and better.

I'll post an update after my transfer.

Golden Bud

SSDD in the sucky lining department

Here we are on Day 15 of estrogen supplementation for my FET and my lining is at 6.5mm. It's a good thing we built an extra week into this cycle because I'm going to need it. On the plus side, I'm above the bare minimum of 6, and the nurse said their research indicates that donor recipients have equal success for linings of 6 or greater. On the sucky side, I was hoping for a lining miracle and I am not going to get one.

The transfer is still set for 12/17.

My due date is this weekend.

I'm happy for my newly (or very!) pregnant Buds, but at the same time it sucks to be me.

NOYB!

OMG, I totally lied all over my eye doctor's paperwork yesterday. I went in for my yearly check-up, been going there for years, but he's got all these new forms to fill out and I was unprepared for the invasiveness of the questions. It was like a TSA infertility patdown.

Let's see what I wrote down:

Are you pregnant or nursing? Yes/No
Not hard to guess my selection here. But, if they asked if I was menstruating, I would lie and circle "No." I'm surprised the form didn't ask for my LMP.

Please list your current medications, including contraceptives: _______________________
Um, where do I begin here. Does stopping BCPs for this cycle mean I don't take them, or I didn't take them last night but still in general I take them to cycle but not for actual controlling of birth? Lupron shots. Estrogen patches starting tonight. Estrogen pills shoved in dark places starting next week. Progesterone shots in the fanny. 4 doses of folic acid plus prenatals (with built-in stool softener) plus calcium.

Well shoot, there wasn't enough space for me to write all this down so I just left it blank.

Please list all major surgeries: ___________________________________
Do you REALLY want to know? What do 2 egg retrievals and 2 D&Cs have to do with my eyes? Like I'm going to tell you this. My parents go to the same clinic. Loose lips sink HIPAA ships. No thanks.

I left the line blank. It's not like I lied and wrote "None," right?

<List of health issues omitted but basically I had to go and put check marks next to all kinds of symptoms and maladies>

Other health issues not listed above: ______________________________
Am I supposed to write "infertility" here? Seriously? If my health insurance won't treat it, it's not a health issue and therefore I don't have to indicate it here. Thankyouverymuch.

What do you like to do for fun?____________________________
At this point I was so annoyed that I left this line blank. This is what infertility has done to me. (But the truth is I love photography, so I'm not completely devoid of inner life and happiness. I just don't feel the need to answer this question on some stupid form.)

In other more relevant news, I had my suppression check yesterday and everything looked perfect. No cysts to foul up the cycle, and I have to say that I thought my uterus looked pretty good (the lining was thin as expected, but I just thought it looked really good on the screen). I start my estrogen patches tonight and decrease my Lupron, which is a good thing because I've got a Lupron headache that's driving me crazy.

I'll check in as the cycle progresses.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Golden Bud

SSDD

That's code for "Same Sh!t, Different Day," an acronym I borrowed from Stephen King's movie DreamCatcher. It perfectly sums up the life of an infertile. You know, the real kind. The ones who aren't TTC'ing unless they're in a DE 2WW. The ones who don't BD unless they feel like it. It's all hurry up and wait. Initial here. Sign here. Put your legs here. No "Hail Mary OE cycle" that ends in a BFP. No spending months publicly mourning a loss in a blog and then one day writing "Monday: a line. Faint, but there."

In other words, I have nothing exciting to report.

But life goes on. I'm eating poorly (but satisfyingly and deliciously). I drink soft drinks. I drink hot tea. I take a hot bath every night. I stopped taking prenatals for awhile (but for everyone's sake still take my megadoses of folic acid). I haven't even printed out my FET calendar. I'm going by memory. Today I sent DH to the clinic to sign paperwork and pay for this cycle ($2795). On Thursday I go in for a suppression check. I know how it's going to go: everything looks great, lining is thin, no cysts. Blah blah blah. Been there, done that.

Can we please just get this over with?

Spent $600 in 5 minutes!

Hi Buds and Bud readers! Long time, no see. I've been trying to stay away from all things baby for awhile but wanted to submit a quick report.

I had my $600 out-of-pocket hysteroscopy today, just to confirm that my uterus isn't scarred shut or some other nightmare diagnosis. I am happy to report that it looked flawless! I am not happy to report that I wasn't told to take Ibuprofen beforehand and this time it hurt like hell. But it was totally worth it to confirm that my uterus is in good shape for our upcoming frozen embryo transfer.

Speaking of which, I started Lupron last night. I am also on BCPs (for now) and my suppression check is on November 18. I'll begin estrogen patches and supps shortly thereafter. So now it's hurry up and wait until December 17. We will definitely be thawing and transferring 2 this time. Assuming all goes well, we'll still have 3 frosties left for another cycle.

Will get caught up on the Bud reports this weekend.
Take care everyone!

Golden Bud

Countdown to FET in December

I finally got in touch with my donor coordinator today. Unfortunately I can't get my WTF scheduled until 11/8, but in the meantime I'm cleared to start BCPs on Friday to commence a 6-week FET cycle. My tentative transfer date is 12/17, the Friday before my holiday vacation. No word on any discounts and of course I'm too chicken to ask. The cost is about $2700 (cash) + meds (covered by insurance). My coordinator warned me that the success rates for frozen transfers is only 30-40%. Doesn't exactly fill me with hope but whatever, $2700 is cheap cheap cheap compared to what we've spent so far.

In other news, AF is plugging along. Didn't bother POASing tonight because I'm pretty sure it will be negative. Dunno if I'll end up getting a final beta....don't especially care (and honestly I'd prefer to save my $$).

With that, I think I'll sign off for awhile, at least until my WTF on 11/8. I need to restore my mojo in some areas that I've been neglecting. I'll be keeping up with my fellow Buds and cheering for them while I cool my jets.

Til then,
Golden Bud

The fat lady, singing, etc.

I got my voice back today. I mentioned in an earlier post that I can tell I'm pregnant by the way my singing voice changes. I didn't have the heart to sing all weekend so I don't know when my voice changed back to normal.. All I know is that on my way home today I sang and hit all the high notes and then--I kid you not--AF arrived the second I got home. Of course I found this out when I went upstairs to pee on a stick. I haven't looked closely at it but I'm pretty sure it was a faint faint positive. Bet it'll be negative tomorrow.

In other news, my doctor is out of town all week, so I have no follow-up (aka WTF) planned. I emailed my donor coordinator today to ask for pricing and a sample calendar for a frozen cycle but she never wrote back. My prediction about a free or discounted cycle is therefore still in play.

As much as AF sucks, I'm relieved that my body is marching forward. And so far I haven't had any major cramping or anything like that. As gross as it sounds, a heavy flow will ease my mind a bit about scarring--uterine adhesions can sometimes cause your period to stop--so I'm sort of looking forward to a bit of action. 

In the meantime, I've wasted no time in eating raw oysters and salami, drinking, and taking hot baths. I stopped taking my prenatals so that I can poop like a normal person for once in 3 years. Might as well enjoy myself for the next month or so.

So now I wait for my doctor and donor coordinator to get back to me. And I'm thinking of Magnolia Bud and Diva Bud and Blueberry Bud and June Bud and Sarcastic Bud and Cherry Bud, too.

TTFN,
Golden Bud

Perspective

Getting off the infertility rollercoaster is such a relief. No more shots, no more pills up my chooch, no more sticky residue on my stomach. No more wondering....  Last night I took off my estrogen patches, put all my pills and needles away, and threw my cycle calendar in the trash. All signs of infertility and loss are now tucked away (again) in my closet.

I sent email to my donor coordinator asking to speak to my doctor asap. I was debating whether to switch doctors or ask for a second opinion, but I hate to ruffle feathers just yet. For now I want to have some idea of the timeline we're looking at. (Of course I already made my prediction in my last post, but I want to hear it from the doctor.)

I told my donor coordinator that I wasn't going to schedule another blood test. I am sick of blood tests, and I'm not ready to face the clinic staff in person. The condolences are appreciated, but we've already been there, done that. I'll probably POAS this weekend to see how things are going. When the pee sticks go negative, I'll make the appointment. Hopefully my body won't betray me yet again with hcg that sticks around. Can I please just go back to 0 like a normal person?

The reason I titled this post "Perspective" is that my cycle buddy, another DE recipient who also had a loss earlier this year, was cycling again about 2 weeks ahead of me and she just found out she has an extremely rare ectopic pregnancy known as a cervical pregnancy. We both got our BFPs but unfortunately hers stuck in a tragic way. My heart breaks for her...I cannot even imagine the pain she is going through. Infertility is so cruel.

Chemical pregnancy: Check

Mr. GB will tell you that I'm almost always right. It drives him crazy. I have a sixth sense about things and a way of predicting the future that surprises even me. And I had a feeling this past weekend that I was looking at a chemical. I don't care what anyone says--the pee sticks don't lie. And this morning's pee stick was lighter than last night's, and it was no shock that my hcg has dropped to 29.


While I would have liked to be one of those miracle low-hcg success you always hear about, why should I be? Absolutely nothing in the reproductive department has EVER gone my way. Ever. I always fall on the wrong side of the statistics. Always. My RE clinic has a 77% success rate for donor cycles. Guess where I fell? My Bitter Infertile's Bucket List just got another check mark. Whoopee.

Why won't anybody believe me when I know that things aren't going to work out? Mr. GB and his foolish optimism this morning...even my RE who seemed to think that a bum lining wouldn't cause issues. Was that some kind of sympathy diagnosis? Can I please get a refund on my embryo transfer because I effing told you so?

I have to go back again in a week to make sure my level is 0. Gee, as if I didn't spend all goddamn summer waiting for my level to go to 0. Now I get to do it again. (Isn't it ironic that I'm more pregnant when I'm NOT pregnant? That I use more pee sticks trying to get UNPREGNANT than pregnant?) And then there are all the hugs and sympathy notes from the nurses and staff. (That's 5 failures for me at that clinic, but who's counting?) I might need two checkmarks next to "Cried at the RE's office."

And is this even a loss? Or is it just some pink dye that showed up due to a chemical reaction?

And to think I thought I could get pregnant again before my due date. HA! Wasn't that a cute little bit of hope wrapped up in a $25,000 bow.

So let me tell you how I think this is going to end.

I will have a follow-up phone call with my RE. She will tell me that she really thought this would work, that I would get lucky. Maybe she'll offer me a discount on a frozen cycle. She'll tell me to wait for AF (which will be here within a week or so), and then she'll tell me to call and schedule yet another hysteroscopy so she can look for scarring. (My gut says that there is no scarring because the transfer itself went smoothly and there didn't seem to be any blockage, but who knows, maybe there is a bad patch or two.) AF is going to make Saw 3 look like a fairy tale. Now I know from experience that my first post-failure cycle always takes 40-50 days (unless she puts me on the pill). Assuming I go pill-free, this pushes us out to 2011 before I can cycle again. And that assumes I don't need any follow-up surgery to deal with scarring. So now I am very possibly looking at celebrating my 40th birthday in February with no baby and no pink dye. Or maybe we'll get lucky and have a frozen transfer on my birthday like the one we had on our anniversary. I'm going to ask for the same doctor as last time (Dr. D). And I'm going to transfer 2 and both are going to stick and we'll live happily ever after and donate our other 3 embies to another couple.

Or something like that.

Beta hell

Last night I had a good-old-fashioned pity party. It's something I have to hide from Mr. GB, because he gets so upset when I'm upset. I've perfected opportunistic crying. Mr. GB goes upstairs to pay bills--I cry. We go to bed and Mr. GB reads with his headphones on--I cry. I even got in a bonus cry by waking up at 3am and crying myself to sleep just moments before my alarm went off. And this morning I cried as I drove to an all-day customer meeting. Good times.

I swear 2010 has been the year of pity parties. I've had more than I can count. No, actually, I can count them, by heart:

• Donor #1 fert report
• Donor #1 freeze report
• Donor #1 bad transfer
• NT Scan
• Termination
• Found out D&C #2 couldn't be scheduled for over a month after my hysteroscopy
• Donor #2 drama (break-up nearly derailed our cycle)
• Donor #2 lining issues
• Donor #2 low beta

I have cried more this year than I probably have in my previous 38 years combined. Fortunately I tend to cry preemptively, and thus I'm usually prepared for bad news. And sometimes I end up with good news and my crying was all for nothing. I'm really hoping today is one of those times.

So I'm on my second batch of pee sticks. Same brand but the packaging is different. The pee sticks aren't getting any lighter, but they aren't getting significantly darker. Mr. GB is still hopeful, and my cycle buddy (who had a miraculous late-implanter) is also hopeful. Symptom-wise it's hard to gauge what's going because of the massive progesterone and estrogen I'm taking. I never had morning sickness last time so I can't even count on that.

I truly am prepared for the number to go down. All things considered, I'll take a chemical over a miscarriage any day. It's one more thing to add by my Bitter Infertile Bucket List, which I'll be publishing here if things don't go my way. It's something that other infertiles can print out and track on their own. You know, things like "IVF BFN" and "Donor's worst cycle ever." And don't forget such classics as "Cycle delay due to cyst" and "Cried at the RE's office." Check check check check.

I'm going to be at a customer conference again tomorrow, so I'm going to ask my donor coordinator to just email my results because there's no way I want to get that phone call in front of other people. I'm grateful for the distraction.

More tomorrow.

Night all,
Golden Bud