Misoprostol Starts Tonight

I had my follow-up ultrasound this morning with the same MFM doc who I saw last Friday. Everything looked good to the tech, but when the doc came in, she showed me some retained fetal tissue. So tonight I'm starting 48 hours of misoprostol (400mg every 6 hours). I'm scheduled to go back on Thursday for a repeat ultrasound to make sure (again) that there's no retained tissue.

The midwife has told me that we'll need to wait out this cycle and the next before TTC again; MFM doc said she tells her patients to wait out this one and two more. So I'll be talking with the midwife on the 8th at my follow-up appointment to see what their logic is, and to see if it's a flexible "recommendation." :) I did order Vitex this week to add to my arsenal of TTC goodies for when it's go time again, given that my progesterone was low at my last beta draw.

I should also update you on how I'm doing. In short, not too well. Every day this week has been a struggle, and when I'm at work, I'm not productive. When I'm at home, I can't muster up the energy to do more than sit on the couch and stare off into the front yard. I've had breakdowns every day, and I'm considering it a good day when the breakdown happens after noon, or when I can hide my red eyes from my coworkers. Yesterday I made it until about 8pm. Today...no crying yet, and it's 1:30. I am finding that each day gets a little easier than the last. I have started running again after two weeks off, and it has definitely helped me feel more stable.

Mr. Magnolia Bud is having a rough time figuring out how he can help me, and I feel badly that he seems to be on the receiving end of my anger, since nobody else IRL knows about the miscarriage. We had a great talk last night, and I'm hopeful it helped him start to understand that I just need time, and I will start to heal soon.

Before finding out about the miscarriage, I had started a pregnancy journal/scrapbook to document our journey. This weekend, I am going to print the pictures we took documenting the pregnancy and finish those pages so I can get them off my work table. Maybe that will help me start the healing process.

Until next time...wishing you all sticky baby dust.

-Magnolia Bud

Can't get pregnant, can't get unpregnant

I don’t want to spend too much time talking about the D&E itself. I will say that if you take away the heartbreak, the procedure is fairly simple and painless. We hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy except my mom and my best friend, so we only had to break the bad news to two people. My mom had apparently told her friends, so she got to untell them as well.

My RE’s office needed to know if the defect was genetic in origin, so we had karyotyping done. Neural tube defects (NTDs) aren’t typically genetic, and ours was no exception (meaning it wasn’t the donor’s fault). I never did ask if the donor was allowed to cycle again. I did find out the sex of the baby, which I’ll refrain from sharing. (Mr. GB didn’t want to know.) I also received tiny footprints, which are tucked away safe for now.

(We don’t know what caused the defect. They say that NTDs can be prevented with folic acid. I’d been taking prenatal vitamins for years, but it wasn’t enough. At my request I was tested for MTHFR (a disorder that can cause difficulty in absorbing folic acid), and I don’t have that mutation. My homocysteine levels were also normal. I read NTDs are more common with IVF…I always wonder if the lengthy embryo transfer was the cause. I also read that hot tubs and saunas can cause NTDs, and I wonder if sunbathing was the cause, even though I sunbathed after the window for NTDs closed. It was probably just horrible bad luck. I’m taking 4 mg of folic acid now, just in case. I have a 1% chance of it happening again. I hope it doesn’t.)

As I was recovering from the D&E, I was more determined than ever to try again. In fact, I was filled with an odd sense of hope that’s really hard to explain. Maybe it was just a coping mechanism. I did have bouts of sadness and grief, but I was ready for AF to arrive and start a new donor cycle.

Except AF was nowhere to be seen, and my HPTs were still positive. And I was still bleeding, like for a month. Went back to the MFM’s office for an ultrasound but nothing looked suspicious. She gave me Cytotec/Misoprostol to try to flush out my uterus, but nothing happened. Mentioned the bleeding to my donor coordinator, who talked to my RE, who told me to come in for a hysteroscopy to look around. The camera showed that my uterus was filled with cobwebs (aka “products of conception”) and a second D&C was needed. My RE said I could get the procedure done at the RE’s surgical center, but we’d have to wait a month.

So we commenced waiting. Again. We’re talking 77 days between the first procedure and the second.

Surprise surprise, AF arrived 58 days after my D&E. I will spare you the details but let’s just say it was the worst period EVER. My RE still recommended the D&C, but the good news was that I got to go on the pill, which meant I’d finally have control of my cycle back and we were finally ready to start looking at donors again. YAY!

I had my second D&C on August 11, the same day we put down our donor deposit. In the next few days I’ll talk a bit about our selection process (my criteria changed dramatically), a slight setback, and where we are today. But for now, I’ve got to run upstairs for a Lupron shot!

To be continued…

Golden Bud