Goals Being Met

Each year I have a goal to learn something new and to travel someplace new as well which has pushed me to expand my knowledge and talents and get to see some fun places. So I am putting becoming a certified Doula as meeting the "learn something new" goal I have. I have been loving the library lately becuase I can get as many books as I want on infertility and also on training to become a doula. Maybe becoming a doula is my way of coping or deflecting my obsessiveness about not being pregnant or doing any IVF.

I think it is facinating to learn about the pregnancy, birth and postpartem periods of having a baby maybe it fills that void of not having one. Strangely it doesn't make me sad to be reading, watching videos or talking about birth/babies. I will definately be very prepared when I do get pregnant and get ready to give birth that is for sure!!

I recently spoke with an older friend that I learned she had infertility issues as well but was from Japan and started her fertility treatments there and the different experiences she had with the various doctors. Also how she coped with not being able to get pregnant and not being able to even hold a baby without her breaking down in tears. It was interesting to compare our feelings and how we react to the same issues similarly or differently. I think I like to push myself into the uncomfortable situations like going to baby showers, holding babies, talking about our problems and chatting about how cute everyone's babies are becuase it makes me continue on with my life and not have the focus be on Mr. EB's and I's "Problem". For me I am a happier person when I can push forward through the tough stuff and at least fake it till I make it on the otherside of being happy with my life.

We hired a doula!

I'm determined for a different (read: better) birthing experience this time around. My labor/delivery with Little Sunflower Bud was less than desirable. I was induced (failed Cervadil induction twice) and dialed up to the highest dosage the hospital would allow of Pitocin, had my epidural by 3cm and didn't start pushing until after 18 hours of being hooked up to Pitocin. After 2 hours of pushing, she got stuck and wouldn't budge. Her heartrate slowed and my blood pressure rose, so off to an emergency c-section we went! Recovery was pretty bad.

After watching my best friend get out of bed easily 6 hours after giving birth, I've been bound and determined for a vaginal birth this time. My doctor says I'm an excellent candidate for a VBAC and so that is my goal.

I've done a lot of research and reading and made a lot of decisions. The first was finding and hiring a doula. Amy is amazing. We clicked immediately and I feel completely comfortable with her. She is very much on board with everything that I'm looking to get out of this experience and very much willing to do whatever she can to get us there.

We'll meet a few times before my due date and then she'll also be there for the entire duration of labor and delivery and 2-3 hours afterward to help with latch and breastfeeding.

Our plan so far is to do as much laboring at home as possible. Since we have a large garden tub, we'll be able to use that for a lot of the labor. I don't want a home birth so when it gets close or too much to take at home, we'll move on to the hospital (thankfully, it's only 10 minutes away). I really want to avoid Pitocin and an epidural, if at all possible, since they have been shown to sometimes stall labor. We'll be using a birthing ball and a number of positions to make sure baby is moving into the position that we need him in. Another reason to avoid the epidural as long as possible, so that I'm free to move around.

She was thrilled with the specific chiropractor that I've been seeing and said she is definitely one of the best in the area for helping with pregnancy. Dr. K will start to work with me towards the end to do things to help open and loosen up my pelvis.

I'm very excited about everything. While I know that I'm not guaranteed the outcome that I want, I like knowing that I'm doing everything I possibly can to get there.

~Sunflower Bud~

18 weeks pregnant?

Apparently, sometime while I was asleep, Smudge grew to about 7 inches long, and 7 ounces. A little foot is now an inch long and s/he can recognize my voice when I talk.

When the heck did that happen?

So, since this apparently happened overnight, here are some of the things I HAVEN'T blogged about this month.

First, these are pictures from my 14w5d ultrasound that I bullied my OB into doing before i went back to work after the sub chorionic hematoma:










The one on the left, Smudge is waving and the one on the right is my scary alien baby... but it's really cool (i think) because you can see the structures in the skull, the developing brain, the rib cage, the heart, the upper arms and the beginning of the pelvic bone. Smudge spent the overwhelming majority of the ultrasound snuggled on my placenta like it is a body pillow. It was really cute.

Most importantly, you can't see the SCH... it was gone and I went back to work. I still hate my job. SO hate my job. There are more issues every day. And as much as I love my OB, she's just never going to get it. I hope I'm able to convince her later on that she's going to need to pull me early. I just can't do it much longer. By 34 weeks, I want to be out. I really don't want to get into all of the issues here, but the bottom line is I have an assistant manager who would be more than happy to get rid of me. People tell me she keeps coming after me because she knows she can make me cry. Which is nice for her, but sucks for me, because being a hormonal mess at work REALLY isn't my thing. I'm still looking for another job. I probably send out 5-10 resumes every week. I thought I had something lined up for a little while, but it didn't work out.

The only pregnancy issues I've been having lately have been blood pressure related. And my blood pressure is ONLY elevated at work.

For now, I'm hoping the rumors of voluntary lay offs are true, and I'll be able to leave work with a full unemployment package. That would make things much better for us right now. My stress level would drop considerably and we would just figure out the money. Maybe not the most financially responsible thing I can do - but the best thing, health wise, i can do for my child and for me.

Nothing is more important than this baby.

I've been having wicked round ligament pain - to the point of being doubled over and wanting to vomit. This is normal. Who knew that pregnancy hurt? We all knew labor hurts, but pregnancy? Just gives me an excuse to rub my belly, though. Oh, and i'm still on pelvic rest because of the SCH, bleeding and the lost twin, so we're still on standby in the bedroom. Dr Loh wants to wait until after the anatomy scan to check the placenta again before she clears us. Last weird pregnancy thing for today... I'm already leaking. At 18 weeks, I can express fluid from my breasts. It's so weird. But it's clear, and it's normal, and I guess it means i'm getting ready. Almost 1/2 way there. I can't believe in 5 months, I'm going to be a momma.

Other pregnancy related news is that I made the decision that barring medical complications, I'm going to have a natural delivery. It's been discussed with my OB and she's completely on board. I've even hired a doula to help me through it (click on the link for my doula's website). It's really important to me that after EVERYTHING my body has screwed up in the last two years, I can prove to myself that it can do this ONE thing that nature intended it to do. And staying Team Green is part of it... our "green-ness" is going to be the light at the end of an unmedicated tunnel for me.

Meanwhile, we've been TRYING not to baby shop... I had a HUGE moment the other day though, while I was browsing in Gymboree while Mr. DB was drooling over the iPhone 4 in the apple store. Unfortunately for my wallet, they had the cutest collection of gender neutral monkey clothes. Mr. DB has a HUGE monkey thing, and I'll be honest. I do too. Here are some of the first things I've bought for Smudge (fair warning - cutest clothes ever below):























Other things we've purchased are just little things... whatever discount cloth diapering supplies we can get our hands on, some clearance things on discount websites, like an organic moby wrap for about $11 and a boppy with organic cover for $29.99.

But here's the big one... we haven't purchased it yet, but I'm pretty sure we've decided. We picked out our furniture. We still need a glider arm chair with an ottoman for the nursery, but the crib and all we finally picked. We LOVE the Essex collection from Munire in Chestnut.

photo credit

In other baby news, I had my 18 week appointment yesterday. My uterus is perfect. Heartbeat is perfect and Smudge was really active during the doppler. My OB kept asking if I could feel the movements, but I can't quite yet. Hopefully soon. The best news? My blood pressure (94/58) and my weight (only gained 7 pounds so far!). I'm going to have to start wearing compression hose at work (stupid spider veins and swelling), but if that's what it takes to avoid the varicose veins my dad has, I'll do it.

And I'll leave you with this. I can't believe my fat ass is posting it here, but here goes nothing. This is an 18 week bump picture. You'll have to trust me that it isn't all regular fat. It truly is a baby bump. I'm hoping it becomes more obvious. We're going to start taking weekly pictures from here out. But I'm definitely starting to look pregnant and not just fat.


DH and I also had a conversation about #2 last night. Sounds kind of silly, since #1 isn't even here yet. But since our post baby plan for birth control is our mutual infertility, we're sort of hoping for a miracle baby within the first year. If miracle baby doesn't show up within the first year, we plan on going back to Dr Z as soon as Smudge is weaned to cycle for #2. It always makes me feel good to have a plan.

Anatomy scan is two weeks from today. Can't wait to see Smudge again. Until then....