Today is October 17th, which, is a very sad day in my family. Two years ago, my grandmother passed away. It was very tragic and upsetting, so, today is always a rough day for me.

This year, I'm finding it more difficult because I'm newly pregnant. My grandmother has been there for every big milestone in my life. This one, she won't be, and there's not anything I can do to change that.

One of the saddest things was the last few times I saw her she (of course) kept pressing about the baby stuff. We really weren't ready at that point, so, it was really cute even though mildly annoying. My grandmother was a very crafty lady - she sewed, made things, collected antiques and refinished them. She showed me a wooden high chair that must have been a million years old. She was refinishing it for me and fixing it so we could use it.

After she died there was not much left around in the house and I think the high chair was there. My dad didn't realize she was doing that for us, and, since it wasn't finished and in terrible shape he threw it away. I don't think I would have wanted it - it just wasn't the same unless she did it herself. It was more the effort and the thought that I liked about it. Made me feel really special and really close to her.

Mr. Book Bud and I have considered naming our child after her if we have a girl. I worry that if we do that my child's identity will be tied to something that ended very tragically. Also, even though I loved my grandmother, she didn't exactly have the best relationship with my mom, my sister and my mom's side of the family. My parents divorce did not exactly help that. I fear that even though I'd love to honor my grandmother, it might put an unfair burden on my daughter. Maybe she needs her own name and her own identity.

So, today I'm thinking about my grandma. I'm sad that she won't be here for us in the next year as things are changing. I'll always wish things could have ended differently for her and she could have died on her own terms. But . . . all I can do is think of her today and try to move on.

Still waiting . . .

I'm really trying to be optimistic, I swear. I'm just having a hard time relaxing at this point. I'd like to get some blood work, maybe see a heart beat, something that can give me hope that it's ok to look at maternity clothes, or, baby books even. I just don't want to get all into this and then get disappointed if something happens.

I'm hoping this will get better as I get through the 1st trimester, but, I think it's true when they say that you're never really out of the woods. I think I'll be worrying about my child every day of his or her life! So . . . even when pregnancy ends, the worrying won't.

I go to the doctor a week from today - I'll be 5 weeks and 5 days. I'm hoping that the cysts I have will have shrunk or done something. I've been having some horrible pain on both sides (where my ovaries and their cysts are) the past few days. Today has been fine. I'm not sure if pregnancy is aggravating the cysts or if the pain was always this bad but I drowned myself in Advil to mask the pain hehe!

Wish me luck that I get to see a heartbeat (even though I know it might be too early . . . I'm still hoping)!

--Book Bud

So . . . now we wait

I am VERY pleased to announce that I got my BFP! With that . . . I shall tell you the story of how incredibly stupid I am.

Tuesday, I had plans to go to a Pampered Chef party at a friend's house. The person selling is PG and she knows we've been TTC. I decided I wanted a drink that night because I didn't want to answer any questions. I decided Tuesday morning - even though it was really early - I would take a test. That morning I woke up early, and, peed on my stick. I then decided to wait less than 2 minutes, see the negative I was expecting, then toss it out. In hindsight - not the best plan - but I was sleepy and clearly not thinking straight. Later, when I woke up again, I was again not thinking clearly when I decided to take it OUT OF THE GARBAGE and look at it. Of course, there was a line, but of course, I couldn't trust that considering!!

Now, after 4 tests, I have two distinct lines on my test!!!!

Now I remain cautiously optimistic. I'm having the early signs of morning sickness. I've literally been sick to my stomach for three days - constantly - though no throwing up. I'm hoping my early BFP and the early nauseated feelings are good signs that the hormones are plentiful (and doing their job). I've been having some cramping but I'm told that is normal. It makes me nervous - but - I'm keeping it all together.

Because I had a chemical pregnancy last time, it's hard to forget that and just be excited. I'm a little scared in the back of my brain even though this time feels differently. As a friend told me, every day I'm still pregnant is a good day, so I'm going to keep that in mind for the next 8 or so months!

I have a doctor's appointment already scheduled - because they were following up on my cyst - so I even get an ultrasound then. I will be about 6 weeks then, so, I'm hoping we get to see a heartbeat so I can relax a little.

That's about all I'm feeling today . . . or at least all I can get out right now.

--Book Bud--

Did they call it the Three Month Wait (or, 3mw)?

The Two Week Wait (or, 2ww) is something that we've all faced on this (sometimes) difficult journey of trying to conceive. This period I refer to is, of course, the time we have to wait after ovulating to find out if this cycle was successful. Some, myself included, will start using those wonderful home pregnancy tests as soon as 8 days after ovulation. OK, so, I personally don't ever know when I ovulate, because I don't track it, so all I know is I start using the HPTs well before I should. I waste a LOT of money peeing on sticks.

Because this is all we've ever known in our generation, it got me thinking how they did things way back when - you know - before HPTs even existed. My mom began having her kids (there are 6 of us) back in the 60s. I asked her how it worked back then. I was shocked to hear that these poor, poor women had to wait to miss three periods before they could go to the doctor and confirm pregnancy. THREE! Sometimes I think I'm going to die waiting 3 or 4 weeks to get an answer. I can't even begin to imagine the agony of waiting three months.

On the other hand, one could argue that waiting so long - and not using HPTs - is a blessing in disguise. For those of us who have had the unfortunate experience of a chemical pregnancy, you might know what I mean. I won't say knowing I had nearly succeeded (I mean the sperm FERTILIZED my egg!) is something I wish I hadn't known. It was just weird to think that had I been taking this journey 40 years ago instead of now - things would have happened quite differently. My period would have just been a little late and that would have been that.

So, ladies, I leave you with these thoughts. Sometimes technology is a blessing - we get to be really impatient and pee on sticks at home as often as we want (or can afford to!). But also, it can cause us some pain and heartache because we actually get to see what we're losing. In some cases, like mine, I got to watch it fade away . . . while knowing I couldn't do anything to bring it back. I guess each of our generations have downsides.

Good luck to all my girls in the 2ww right now. I hope it goes by quickly and painlessly for all - and with at least a few babies to show for it!

Hi!!!

Hi . . . I’m Book Bud! I'm 27, Mr. Book Bud is 31. We've been married for 4 years. Mr. Book Bud is in finance and really wanted to be sure we had some financial stability before we started TTC. Although my body was telling me something different, my brain was telling me he was right.





I've had problems the past year with ovarian cysts. My doctor says that this shouldn't cause problems TTC, but, we have yet to get pregnant so I'm skeptical. I had it drained back in September, then was put on BCP to keep it at bay. I was first on Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo, then, it filled back up by the end of December. We were monitoring it with ultrasound, and, he put me on a higher hormone pill. The cyst was continuing to grow, instead of shrink, so I had to have surgery to have it removed. He did that in March without damaging my ovary (thank God!) and told me I'd be fine by May to start TTC (which was when we were thinking because we had a trip to Germany planned and wanted to wait until after that).



I took my last pack of birth control while we were on the trip. My first cycle TTC was a bit of a nightmare. I had a really long cycle and kept getting BFNs. I then had some cramping and spotting around CD 40 so decided to test again. I got a BFP! I scheduled an appt. right away because of the cramping and spotting, and the history of cysts. He got me right in that Monday and did bloodwork. Of course I didn't stop peeing on sticks and my BFP started to disappear. I freaked out Tuesday thinking I imagined it . . . then started reading peeonastick.com and was convinced it was an evaporation line. Wednesday, I woke up with AF. I spent the whole day calling the office trying to get the results of the blood work because I wanted to figure out what happened. My beta level was 8.6, so, it was a chemical pregnancy. They did repeat blood work and it went back to normal. I was definitely disappointed that this happened, but, I knew it was unlikely that I would get pregnant in the first cycle anyway. Also, because I ended up getting so confused (thank you peeonastick.com!) I had talked myself into thinking I’d imagined the BFP from the beginning – that it was a mistake all along. When I got AF and the news that it was a CP – I had an easier time moving on because I hadn’t had enough time to really get excited and feel pregnant. So, you could really say it was gone before it even started.



My cycles since then haven’t really stabilized. I'm on cycle #4 but month #5. I'm not doing charting or using OPKs. DH wants us to remain "casual" for right now. I tend to go a bit batty near the expected end of my cycle because I want to know what's going on. Our philosophies on this differ for right now. If I don't have any luck this cycle I'm going to talk to him about it again and see. I think I might want to start charting.



I also have another cyst. The doctor said this time it is "simple" - which I take to mean there was something weird about the last one I had. He told me TTC will help, so, I'm just doing what I was doing before. I have pain sometimes which sucks, but, I'm hanging in there. I have a repeat ultrasound scheduled for October 15th so we'll see what's going on at that point. My goals are to start communicating better with my doctor. I find he goes too fast and doesn't always fully inform me. I need to prepare myself before each appointment and make sure I get all my questions answered. I'm on CD 19 right now, so, my goal with that is to remain calm for the rest of my cycle, BD every other day, and hope for the best. I'm going to try not to pee on any sticks until CD 29 which is how long my shortest cycle was. I will most likely fail at this . . . I can’t resist peeing on a perfectly good stick any chance I get.

So . . . that's it. I continue to try to be patient while we wait for our time to come. Some days it’s easy and I feel great. Other days, I want to rip my hair out. Today is a good day. I will let you know how tomorrow goes . . .

Thanks for reading!!