Confession Time.....

I have a confession to make......

I am taking Clomid unmonitored.

::gasp::

I have debated outing myself publicly because I know people feel very strongly against unmonitored Clomid. But I figured what the hell, I'll come clean and document my experience.

I have been taking Clomid unmonitored since April but I had to take a break for the month of May (since I was out of town and away from H during potential O). I am getting ready to start another round of Clomid in the next few days since I am currently on CD 2. While I feel that this is a decision that shouldn't be made lightly, me, my H and my OB have had many in depth discussions (as well as hours of research on the internet) regarding Clomid and it's side effects. I feel comfortable with my decision to forgo the ultrasounds. The risk of OHSS is relatively low on Clomid alone and I just don't think that paying out of pocket for the ultrasounds is worth the added expense. I am sure some of you are rolling your eyes right now. And maybe I will regret my decision because stats don't much matter if you're the one with the negative side effect.

I was put on the lowest dose of Clomid and thankfully I had minimal side effects during my first round. Unfortunately I didn't get pregnant. The only noticeable side effect was painful ovulation, but it was nothing a little Tylenol couldn't cure.

So that's my big confession :) Nothing too major but it is somewhat of a controversial subject.

PB&J Bud :)

I am alive :)

Hello all! How is everyone doing? I am doing great, Little PB&J Bud and I just got back from a trip to San Francisco. We had a blast but we are happy to be home. I took a charting break but I am hoping I made it home in time for O, which I am not sure if I did or not. Only time will tell. Argh, traveling only intensifies the stress of TTC!

Speaking of traveling........I travel a lot. I am a SAHM and I am very fortunate in that I have no restrictions of when I can travel (ie - no vacation time issues). Mr. PB&J is a Border Patrol Agent which means we live in rural Texas, by the border and far from family. I really dislike the town we live in (it's a dump) but it has been our home for the last 8 years and will continue to be our home for at least a few more years. Any opportunity I get I try to travel back to Florida to visit family. Both my parents and my ILs live in Orlando and I like to visit them every 4 to 6 weeks. Unfortunately Mr. PB&J Bud doesn't get to accompany us on most of our trips so booking travel around potential O dates can be stressful, especially when I don't O consistently on the same CD. A few cycles we have had bad timing because we were both in two different cities. Which has lead to a few breakdowns by myself.

And speaking of stress........I think over the last 6 months I have REALLY become obsessed with TTC. I have Googled every aspect of TTC that I thought could have pertained to me and in turn I have made myself one big stress ball. Not to mention the stress I put myself though with my POAS addiction. I was really causing myself unnecessary stress. I recently surpassed the one year TTC mark and I think with that I accepted defeat. Not defeat in that I will never get pregnant, but defeat in the sense that no matter how much research I do or how many sticks I pee on, the outcome will still be the same. I can't keep putting myself through the same heartache cycle after cycle. It's exhausting and it's not healthy.

Lately I have been trying to keep myself busy. I have redirected my attention to my old hobby of mine, photography and I feel a sense of relief. No longer do I dream about pregnancy or miscarriage. No longer are my thoughts consumed with TTC. I mean, I still chart, use OPKs, and have sex as often as I can but TTC is not ruling my life anymore. I try not to let myself become overwhelmed with my emotions but instead I just stick to the basics. I feel more sane because of it and a better wife and mother.

So that folks, is an explaination on why I haven't been posting more often. But stay tuned, I have a confession to make in my next post!!

.........don't you hate when bloggers do that?!?!........

PB&J Bud :)

A start of a new cycle

Quick update on me: Last cycle was a bust and I am not pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow with my OB to figure out the next step in the TTC process for me. I am nervous about what he might suggest but ready to move forward and finally get pregnant. I will be sure to post any updates.

Also need to apologize for my sparse updates lately. I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind off the setbacks of TTC. I mean to post, but when I sit down to actually write something the sadness becomes overwhelming. Basically I was trying to avoid my emotions. And I didn't want to depress people with my Debbie Downer attitude. It truly is not my personality!. But bottling up emotions is not best and I hate to admit that lately I have taken out some of my TTC frustration on Mr. PB&J. Poor guy. We had a heart to heart talk this weekend and I feel better about where we've been, where we are and where we're going. I have learned that I need to talk about my feelings so I will be posting more regularly. Today I woke up and felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. It's amazing what communication can do!!

I hate to post and run, but I am going to post and run. I have a busy day but like I promised earlier, I will post tomorrow with updates from my doctors appointment. Hope everyone is having a GREAT day :)

Finally....

Ok, so I was full of crap in my last post when I said I was ovulating. I wasn't and I think I was just reading too much into things. Call it wishful thinking. I hate to be the boy who cried wolf, but I'm gonna say it again.........I think I am ovulating.

Hopefully I won't eat my words :P

The last few days my eyes were crossing because I couldn't subjectively interpret the results of a OPK. I have been using internet cheapies for months, and while they are friendly on the wallet, they cause nothing but a headache. Again, wishful thinking takes over and I start thinking everything is positive. Anyway, I had enough and was tired of being tortured with "which line is darker?" debate (and so was Mr. PB&J) so I ran to Wal-mart and splurged on a box of Clear Blue Easy OPKs. You know, the kind that give you a smiley face if it's positive. No lines to interpret, no guessing game, just black and white results.

Well guess what kids, I took my first digital OPK test today and I got this.....

I guess you know what we will be doing tonight ;)

PB&J Bud

Well hello ovulation.

At least I think that's what this is. I have been feeling some twinges on my lower right side (which I don't typically notice ovulation pain) and the OPK I took earlier today is SUPER dark. It's not quite positive, but I am thinking that if I take another OPK later in the day it will be. The best sign that ovulation is impending is my cervix is high and soft and holy crap, I had EWCM that probably could have stretched for a mile. No joke. I have never seen it like that! Hopefully all signs are correct, and my body is gearing up to ovulate. And maybe even today!! That would be a welcomed change since I am currently on CD 13 and I typically ovulate somewhere around CD 25-27.

The only downfall to my theory is my chart is whacked out this month. Seriously. My temps are all over the place. So much so Fertility Friend gave me cross hairs on CD 10. What??! Umm, I fairly confident I didn't ovulate on CD 10. And if I did, I am screwed since there is no chance we caught the egg. But yeah, I am pretty sure I didn't ovulate then.

Fingers crossed that I ovulate in the near future. I am hopeful that ovulating on CD 14 vs CD 27 will be the change I need to get KU!

I want another one of these.....

Yep, I AW Little PB&J Bud every chance I get :)

PB&J Bud

Losing Hope at 10 DPO

This morning I awoke to pure excitement thinking today would be THE day. Today would be the day my life would change forever. Today would be the day I would get that BFP I have deperately wishing for. I hopped out of bed at 5:00 AM knowing that it was finally an acceptable time to test. I had only been counting down the hours since the morning before. I had woken up at 2 AM but I decided to get a few more hours of sleep and let my HCG hormones build up. I had also fought back the urge to test at 8 PM the night before during a moment of weakness. I quietly slipped in the bathroom, being sure not to wake a sleeping Mr. PB&J and grabbed a HPT. I took a deep breath as I tore open the packaging with a mix of emotions playing through my head. I waited in pure agony as the result window was washed over with urine.

::Nothing. Nothing. Test line. Hmm. Where's the result line? Why is it not showing up? Don't lose hope. Maybe it just hasn't been enough time. You are only 10 DPO, your HCG levels are still week, if at all present::

While I am looming over the bathroom counter starring at test results I have seen all too often, and hoping that when the three minute window has lapsed I will see two glorious lines, I get a glimpse of my bathroom trash. At first I laugh. Holy fuck, I am only 10 DPO. Haha. I'm pathetic.

But then another emotion creeps in. Saddness. Sadness for the $30 of test I have wasted in the last three days. I feel like a junkie. And I feel sadness for the hope I have lost with each negative test. Not just the hope I'd lost over the last three days but the hope I'd lost over the last year. Every month my bathroom trash can shows a similar picture. And a years worth of sadness boils over and I start to tear up.

Today I am having a hard time accepting the failures over the last year. This one year mark is a tough pill to swollow. While I know it would be foolish to say this cycle is a bust I just can't believe I am here. 1 full year of TTC and nothing to show for it. Depression is not something I am accustomed to. But each month, around 10 DPO, my hope turns to despair. I'm an optimist and TTC is beginning to change that.

I just want to get these next few days over with so I can move on. Move on to another cycle (or pregnancy.......not likely) and a new attitude. Like I said I am an optimist at heart and somehow, someway my hope is renewed with each cycle day 1. If I lose hope, then what? But maybe that iswhy I crash so hard come 10 DPO? But I can't lose hope....

**Side Note - I do typically use internet cheapies to support my POAS habit. Just this cycle I ran out and my only option was to buy a box (or two) of HPTs from Wal-Mart. Well, ok, that really that wasn't my only option. My other option would have been NOT to test. But that's not gonna happen. I just don't want any of you to think financially irresponsible as well lacking in self control. I do have limits :P**

PB&J Bud :)

Nothing but confusion this morning.

Today I am 8 DPO.......or at least I think I am 8 DPO. Remember I only half assed charted this month. Anyway, because I have no self control I decided to test this morning at 6 AM and I was totally prepared to get a BFN. I peed on the stick, waited for a few minutes, checked the test, saw a BFN and then went back to bed. Once I was in bed I told myself I was a complete idiot for testing 8 DPO because the odds of getting anything but a BFN is astronomical. And besides, I have been trying for a year, what makes me think that I could possible be pregnant this time around.

Fast forward to 8 AM. The baby was up so before getting her out of her crib I decided to fish the HPT out of the trash and to torture myself one last with my stark white test. But then, there it was. A FAINT line. And I do mean FAINT. Faint enough that I couldn't get the line to show up on a pic so I could ask what you guys think. But Mr. PB&J saw the line too so at least I know I'm not delusional. Or if I am, he is too.

::sigh::

I don't know what to think. Odds are it's an evaporation line, right? I mean, I don't want to get my hopes up only to discover I am an idiot who is grasping at straws.

But, what if I am pregnant? OMG, what if I have another miscarriage? What if I don't? I wonder what the due date will be? Let's look on the internet. No wait, I shouldn't get ahead of myself. Oh what the hell. Wow, my due date is December 9, 2011. One day after Little PB&J's two year birthday. Hmm, should I call my mom and tell her? No, I should wait. ::reality check:: Deep down you know it's an evaporation line, stop thinking happy thoughts.

::sigh::

I guess I am going to run out to Dollar Tree a little later today and buy some HPT. I have some more First Response Tests in my cabinets but I would hate to waste those. I will update my post later with the results. Fingers crossed......

**Update**

Here is a pic of the test I took this morning. But, I have come to my senses and I am calling it an evap line. Ugh. Sorry for the false alarm! TTC can make you lose reason.....

PB&J Bud :)

I want my body back

Here is a short recap of my weight gain/weight loss over the last two years

• April 2009 120 lbs
• December 2009 182 lbs
• May 2010 124 lbs
• September 2010 140 lbs
• December 2010 129 lbs
• February 2011 138 lbs
• Today 133 lbs

It's been 2 years since I felt good in my skin. Like, really felt good. Two years ago this April I found out I was pregnant with Little PB&J Bud. After the shock of a BFP wore off I swore I was going to remain healthy and fit throughout my pregnancy. I was already working out regularly and eating a healthy, well balanced diet. So it wouldn't have be an adjustment to maintain that lifestyle for the next 40 weeks. Ha. That mentality lasted for about 5 minutes. Morning sickness set in and there wasn't much I could eat. And if I could stomach it, chances are it wasn't healthy. And by the time my first trimester (and morning sickness) was over, I had embraced my less than ideal diet and lack of exercise. Unfortunately this lifestyle continued well after Little PB&J Bud was born. But even with my poor eating habits, I did manage to get within 4 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight while BFing. It was great! I dropped the 60 lbs I gained during my pregnancy without having to adjust my lifestyle!

However, once I stopped BFing in May of 2010 (and continued eating bad and not exercising) the weight crept back on. By September I weighed an all time high of 140 lbs. I had gained 16 lbs! And my boobs went from a size D back to an A. I had an enormous ass and small boobs. WTF. I was in such a rut, that I began to accept my new body. I had always been a skinny girl and very active, but I had just kinda given up, ya know? I felt uncomfortable in anything other than an oversize t-shirt and yoga pants. I loathed having to get dressed and leave the house. Often I would have a mini break down (complete with tears and all) trying to find an outfit that didn't make me feel like a stuffed sausage. It sucked. Finally I had enough, and about 10 months after Little PB&J Bud was born I decided to give the South Beach Diet a go. It was great. I dropped lbs fast, slimmed down, felt better about myself and I had finally found the motivation to get the weight off. I dropped about 11 lbs! And then I got pregnant! Something we had been trying for for so long! And then I lost the baby. Sigh. And that motivation I had found was lost too. I fell right back into my old habits and over the next three months I gained 9 lbs. I ate bad, didn't exercise and didn't much care about the cellulite that had now moved to the fronts of my thighs. Yes, you read that right, the fronts of my thighs.

About three weeks ago I came to the realization that I CAN feel good about my body again. No, it probably won't be what it once was, prior to Little PB&J. But that doesn't mean I can't have a positive body image. And then I came to another conclusion. I shouldn't be so critical of my body. My body IS an amazing thing. It carried and nurtured Little PB&J Bud for 40 weeks and it did a pretty darn good job, if I do say so myself. My body has allowed me to get this far in life and still remain relatively healthy, even if I didn't always take the best care of it. So what if I don't look like Gisele Bundchen with my clothes off? And so what if I will never been a size 0 again? But I can (and I should) take better care of my body. Sometimes I still hard on myself, and this new mentality is not always easy to embrace. But I am trying to be less critical.

I have gotten back on the South Beach Diet and I have been working out 4 to 5 times a week. It's wonderful to get my motivation back! But I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared that I will fall back into my old habits when I get my BFP. I am afraid that I will let my diet get out of control and I will pack the weight back on. It's especially a concern since I have PCOS making weight loss exceptionally hard. And I feel a little guilty to admit that I am looking forward to not having to share my body with a fetus in my ute. While I welcome pregnancy and it still is my ultimate goal, I want to be done with it. I want to put the chapter of growing babies behind me. I am ready to get my body back. Both in the sense of getting fit and in the sense that my body belongs to me and only me.

Oh and screw you Gisele for being such a freak of nature.

pic credit

PB&J Bud :)

There might be a small chance....

That I *could* get pregnant this cycle.

!!!!!!!

Initially I thought I was out this cycle since I'd be out of town and away from my H during O. The latest I have ovulated (since I began charting) is CD 27 and according to the calendar, I wasn't due to arrive home until CD 31, which was way past any real hope of conceiving a baby. So I decided to enjoy my "off" month and take a charting break......which I am now regretting.

Half way through my 3.5 week trip to FL I got a wild hair and decided to change my departing date and come home 5 days earlier, or on CD 26. So maybe, just maybe there is a chance I might get pregnant (remember, last month I ovulated on CD 27)! To further my excitement, I was super stoked to arrive back home to an overwhelming amount of EWCM, which is an oddity for me. Another promising sign that pregnancy is not out of the question is the morning I left for the airport my temp was 96.50 and the following morning it rose to 97.60. Talk about a spike! But of course I have 15 days of missing temps prior and an explanation for my low temp could have been my 4:30 AM waking time in preparation for my early morning flight (which I missed BTW. Lucky for me I was able to get out later in the day).

So who knows. I guess I will find out the answer in the next few days. Either AF will arrive or I will get my BFP. Sigh. I am not holding my breath. The cynic in me says AF will be arriving any day now......

PB&J Bud :)

Remember Me?

Let me reintroduce myself, I am PB&J Bud and I am a blogger for Bloomin' Babies. Ok, I know it hasn't been that long but I feel like it has been an eternity since I last posted. I am in the middle of a three week vacation in FL (well I don't know if vacation is the right word. I am visiting family), Little PB&J is sick for the first time EVER and I have had internet service issues. Those are my excuses, will you please accept my apology for my lack of posting? :)

Anyway, since I don't have the possibility of getting pregnant this cycle (remember, I am on a three week "vacation" and away from Mr. PB&J......and his sperm) I decided that I would still be proactive in working toward my goal of getting KTFU. At my last doctor's appointment I was diagnosed with PCOS which basically means my ovaries suck. There is no cure for PCOS, but it is possible to manage PCOS by changes in lifestyle. I have been reading up on the condition and there is evidence that by losing 5% of my body weight some sort of medical magic happens and I can increase my chances getting pregnant. Sounds scientific, huh? I can't remember the exact reasoning why losing weight is good but it has something to do with my blood sugar regulating which in turn helps my ovaries spit out eggs. Typically, people who suffer from PCOS also suffer insulin resistance issues so a GI (gylcemic index) diet is recommended. Meaning I need to cut the cake and cookies. Even the french fries gotta go. And it's recommended that I exercise.

Blah.

Ugh.

Great. This is a recipe for disaster. I hate dieting and exercising. Especially at the same time. Is it me, or am I the only one who turns into a total bitch when they decide to make "lifestyle" changes? I suppose it's for the best. I still need to lose about 10 lbs to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight from Little PB&J. But dang it, I was using my impending pregnancy as my excuse as to why I wasn't getting off my ass and dropping the weight. It's kind of defeating to work toward a goal of weight loss when I know that I will be putting the weight right back on in the near future with my next pregnancy. Well folks, this excuse is why I am still lugging around those extra 10 lbs. I have been TTC for almost 1 year and I could have easily dropped those lbs by now. Easily. So, I have decided to suck it up and get off my ass. And put the cookies down. Anything to help the TTC process. The weight lost will just be an added benefit.

Surprisingly, I have been good about working out. Really good. Even on "vacation". But my eating? Not so much. I have a good day and then someone offers me a piece of cake and I cave (like tonight)........and then I say eff it, I already blew my diet for the day, gimme some of that ice cream too. But tomorrow is a new day and I am praying for self control.

I.must.stay.away.from.cake.and.ice.cream.

Photo Credit

Pregnancy was not kind to me

Initially when I got pregnant with Little PB&J I swore I would watch what I eat and keep my weight gain to a healthy minimum. I thought I would be that glowing pregnant girl who was all belly. You know, I thought I'd be radiant. Bwhahahah. Aww, I was so cute to think that. Morning sickness set in and the only foods that were appetizing were french fries and sour patch kids. I did eat other foods along the way but these two items were the staples of my diet. Sad, isn't it? Thank God for prenatal vitamins. Anyway, that respectable weight I was trying to stay under was nothing but a joke and I ended up gaining 60 lbs. Whoopsie. I was a fat ass. Pregnant, yes but dude, believe me when I say I was a fat ass. And I had CRAZY swelling. I was notorious for the size of my ankles. Every where I went Mr. PB&J would beg me to show everyone. "C'mon PB&J just show them your ankles." It was like I was a traveling freak show.

I know the look of horror you have in your eyes right now! I saw it all throughout my pregnancy. And yes, it was painful. Please excuse my not so manicured nails. I wasn't about to get a pedicure in that condition. But to prove that I am human and not part elephant, here is a non-pregnant pic of me with smaller ankles. It's not the best pic, but I don't have too many pictures of my ankles lying around.

My ankles weren't the only thing that swelled. So did my boobs. All my life I have been flat chested (see pic above) and I desperately wanted bigger boobs. I never knew what it felt like to have a guy check out my chest. So I was stoked when my A cup boobs became a full D cup! And then began to I notice creepy old men looking at my chest. Pervs. Even when I was 9 months pregnant and 60 lbs over weight. Umm, me no likely. Give me back my small boobs. Kind of an awkward request but check out how big they were......

And why did nobody tell me to put on a sweater??? Because those things were out of control.

But all in all, I love every single minute about being pregnant! I just wish pregnancy loved me back! I can't wait to experience it again, as it was the thing I am most proud of. It was well worth it because in the end I got this......

And she's worth it :)

PB&J Bud

New Cycle. New Plan.

So I guess by the title of my post you figured out last cycle was a failure?! It took six BFNs before it was drilled through my thick skull that I wasn't KU. I finally accepted defeat last Friday (11 DPO) and called my OB to set up a WTF appointment since I wasn't pregnant. He wanted me to wait two cycles after my Chemical Pregnancy before meeting with him to discuss my next steps. Thankfully my OB's office doesn't have a crazy wait and they were able to squeeze me in for a Saturday appointment. Nice. I always feel like the nerdy OB patient showing up eagerly with my charts in hand. My doc always gives me a little laugh and the side eye, kinda like whoa, you're serious about this stuff. Guessing from his reaction I assume that not many of his OB patients take this active of a role in the fertility process. LOL. But nonetheless, he is always impressed with my energy and does study my charts (or at least pretends to). It's nice to know that my efforts don't go to waste.

He looked over my chart, made a few notes, asked a few questions before he concluded that I have a mild case of PCOS. He had always suspected I had PCOS but this time he officially diagnosed me. Awesome. But hey, at least we have a starting point to figure out why the hell I can't get pregnant. We discussed testing and medication and decided that for my particular set of circumstances Clomid would be the best option.

"Wait, what about the HSG or the SA? Shouldn't we start with those steps first?" I was kind of shocked that Clomid was his first suggestion. His reasoning for bypassing those other options is because a) I have a 1 year old daughter b) got KU in December and c) have the same husband. But I was still scratching my head. "Why would you prescribe Clomid if I am ovulating? Isn't Clomid prescribed to people who don't ovulate?" Well, Clomid will help regulate my cycles to a more acceptable length, meaning I will ovulate sooner in my cycle. Apparently the quality of the eggs could be compromised due to late ovulation. Which might have had something to do with my Chemical Pregnancy in December. Gulp. You mean there's a real possibility I could have another chemical pregnancy? He said it's possible there was a correlation between the two but obviously we don't know that for sure. Yikes, that wasn't an angle I hadn't considered. That kind of put things in perspective for me, Clomid could help me get pregnant and possibly lessen my chances of another miscarriage.

::side note:: among my cycles in the last year, I have had two 60+ day cycles that had to be ended with a round of Provera. I also had one 19 day cycle in which I have no clue if I ovulated since I was on a charting break. And just recently, my last two cycles were 40 days with ovulation somewhere around CD 27.

My doc wants me to wait until I have had three cycles from my chemical pregnancy before starting a medicated cycle. According to my calculations, the earliest that would be is the beginning of April. Surprisingly, I am ok with the thought of waiting until then which is probably baffling to some of you. Patience is not my strong suit, hence my POAS weakness. Ha. But before you go thinking I have turned over a new leaf, I should disclose that I will be out of town and away from Mr. PB&J during my fertile window. So this cycle was a bust anyway.

So that's the plan stan. I am not pregnant, won't be next month either, and if I am lucky I will have a baby by January. And if you made it this far, thanks for reading my long winded update :)

PB&J Bud :)

This is the point where I start to lose it.

10 DPO. I think this is officially the worst day of TTC. I am on the cusp of being A) pregnant B) not pregnant and/or C) crazy. Right now I am officially C. I will be finding out in the next few days if I am either A or B. According to the test I took this morning I am still classified as B. The test was so white that even if I squinted real hard and cocked my head at a 45* angle I still couldn't envision that imaginary second line. You know, that second line you desperately pretend is there to lessen the blow of a BFN? Or am I the only one who does this?

Photo Credit

10 DPO is the most stressful day of TTC because I start second guessing everything. Every twinge, every gas bubble, every yawn. It's all up for interpretation. And I am at the point where I can't distinguish how I feel. Am I nauseated? I think so. But then again, maybe I just overate at dinner tonight? And I'm kinda tired. But aren't I always tired this time at night? IDK, I can't really remember if I usually am or not. And FFS, I am sick of feeling myself up multiple times a day to see if my boobs hurt. The only thing I can conclude is my right nipple is sore. Weird. Does that classify as sore boobs? Eff, I don't know. If I weren't in my 2WW, I wouldn't be blinded by potential phantom symptoms and I could figure these things out.

And just to be sure that my pregnancy hopes are kept alive, my chart took a rather large temp jump this morning. If I am not pregnant this cycle I am going to be super pissed! And I vow to stop charting after O is verified. Eff that. No more being lead on by pretty charts.

So please send me all your sanity vibes/dust/whatever you want to call it so I don't lose my mind over the next few days :)

PB&J Bud

Pretty Chart =/= Pregnancy

I wish it did. Because I would be KTFU! Last cycle I had a beautiful chart and I was sure it would end with a + HPT. Ha. Boy, I was wrong. When AF showed up at 14 DPO it hit me hard. Not only was it my first cycle after my Chemical Pregnancy (and there is a school of thought that you are more fertile after a miscarriage) but my chart totally lured me into thinking there was a baby in my uterus when in fact, it was empty :(

Minus the 14 DPO temp dive, isn't pretty? Well it meant nothing! My body played a cruel joke on me!

This cycle I am doing my best not to buy into the same baloney of a "pretty chart is a sure sign of pregnancy" because again my chart is looking promising.

Look at those high temps! They are well over the cover line!

Like I said in my last post, I did test today at 9 DPO. Of course it was a BFN :( I am embarrassed to make the confession that I actually started testing 7 DPO. And I tested again yesterday morning at 8 DPO. I know, I am an idiot. Something comes over me in the mornings and I become delusional. Some how I can convince myself that it IS a good idea to test, even if I am only 7 DPO. Are you rolling your eyes?! Haha. I have read on the internet about TTC'ers who get a + HPT 7 DPO and then I can't control the urge to test.

And I will make one more confession......I started using OPKs 5 DPO. My reasoning? Well, I wanted to do an experiment to see if the OPKs will fade into a + (BTW, there is no fading, just stark white OPKs). It still doesn't justify my delusional train of thought, but hey it didn't cost me much money to support my POAS habit. Thank goodness for internet cheapies. Or I would be crazy AND broke. Besides, if I am KU I don't want all of my HPTs and OPKs to go to waste........another weak excuse.

Is anybody else out there a POASaholic? Anyone? Or am I in a league of my own?

PB&J Bud :)

Are those cross hairs I see?

Yes they are! I am proud to say I am FINALLY in my 2WW! I don't know what's worse, waiting to O or the 2WW? Hmm, I think waiting to O is more stressful......but my opinion may change over the next 2 weeks :P Ha. Actually, this whole TTC process is stressful. Waiting to O, the 2WW, taking temps, peeing on things and not getting the results you want, eating nasty pineapple core.....here's to hoping this is my last cycle worrying about this crap.

I am excited about ovulating because it's necessary to conceive - duh, but I am more excited that the 2WW=2WB (two week break) from sex. This cycle we tried to hump it out every day and I think my vag might go on strike if it doesn't get some relief soon. But whaddya know, the one day we didn't have sex would be the day that I ovulated ::sigh. of course:: That missing day of sex is haunting me and it's all I see when I look at my chart! I hope by taking that day off we are not out of the running this cycle.

I hope to hold off on testing until I am 14 DPO. But I say that every month and it never happens. Self control isn't anything I know. If I am being honest, I more than likely I will start testing 9 DPO and continue until AF shows up. I may need a POAS intervention!!

And of course, because I like to put the cart in front of the horse, my phantom EDD would be October 31, 2011. Sounds like a good day to have a baby! So wish me luck that I get that a Halloween baby :)

Take care,

PB&J Bud

My Ovaries Suck.

O - Where oh, where are you? Your inconsistent appearances makes TTC difficult. You give signs you are going to show and then don't. Positive OPKs, EWCM, and a high, soft cervix? All are signs you are on your way. But here I am on CD 27 and there's no confirmed O :( Please make up your mind and decide one way or another what you are doing. If you are coming, great. If not, stop leading me on with fertility signs.

Due to my lack of O and my promising fertility signs, Mr.PB&J and I have been having sex on a regular basis......too regular. And if I can be honest, I'm tired. Some married couples complain they don't have enough sex, I on the other hand, am complaining because I have too much sex! Mr. PB&J is worn out too. Months and months of sex will do that to a couple. Now I have to entice Mr. PB&J with bribes of back rubs and sandwiches in exchange for sex. Ha. I swore I would never let TTC take over our sex life but here we are.......here. I tease Mr. PB&J that he is living in a world of paradise. Sex everyday, followed by a back rub and a sandwich! Life is good! Hmm, maybe he's smarter than I give him credit for and he's milking sex for all it's worth?!

Haha.

Wait. Hmm??

But check out my whacked out chart. I can't make sense of it. All signs are pointing to yes, I am going to ovulate in the next few days. I hope so. But that just means more sandwich making in my future.

Until Next time,

PB&J Bud

GTKMC

GTKMC = Getting To Know My Cervix

Me and my cervix, we're like old friends. Actually, we're BFFs. Never in a million years did I ever think I'd have such a close and personal relationship with my cervix. Ha. Heck, two years ago I wasn't really sure where my cervix was. But every day we get to know each other a little better. Ahh, TTC will make you do crazy things. And TTC will make you do things that you will never admit to your non-TTC friends. I can see the look of repulsion on their faces now! The look of "You do whhhaaatttt? But whhhyyyy?".

What I find so amazing about my body, is that everything it does is for a purpose. As a teenager, I remember discovering EWCM in my undies and being totally grossed out. I remember thinking "WTF is wrong with me?" Now the sight of EWCM gives my heart a little flutter! I have a mini celebration for myself in the bathroom, sometimes complete with fist pumps and all. Jersey Shore style. LOL. EWCM gives me the heads up that it's time to get busy with Mr. PB&J. However, when I am nearing day 21 of my cycle and there is no sight of fertile CM (like now), I find myself asking those same question I did as a teenager, "WTF is wrong with me?". Oh, the irony.

This cycle I have really stepped up my game in regards to checking my cervical position and cervical fluid. Charting is a great tool, but the biggest downfall to charting is ovulation can only be confirmed AFTER the fact. In months prior, our intercourse pattern hasn't been great around O time. Let me tell you, it's super defeating to wake up to a high temp when we didn't have sex the night before. I know OPKs are another great tool but frankly, I find them confusing. But that's another post for another time. I really need to stop being cheap and spring for some OPKs that interpret the results for me. Sometimes I become delusional and think everything is positive. Internet cheapies suck.

Anyway, checking my cervix seems to pick up where charting falls short. The clues my cervix gives me are invaluable. I am still learning how to distinguish the difference between the different types of CM. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between watery and creamy or sticky and egg white. And then when semen is thrown in the mix, forget it. I am totally confused. So I don't always record my findings if I am unsure, only if they're obvious. But I have become a pro at checking my cervical position. I do excel in that department! Whether it be high, low, soft, firm, open or closed, I got it figured out.

I am hoping that this month, my good friend (aka my cervix) will pull through and give me the much needed heads up of impending ovulation. I really could use a friend like that right now.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading :)

PB&J Bud

Introducing PB & J Bud!

Hello! I am PB&J Bud and the newest blogger for Bloomin' Babies! I love all things peanut butter and my husband (most of the time), whose name starts with a J. So PB&J seemed like an appropriate Bud name. I am a avid reader of Bloomin' Babies so I am totally honored to become a blogger!

Mr. PB&J Bud and I started dating in 1999 when I was a freshman in college. He was cute and I was smitten. And we both liked to quote Seinfeld. So I immediately knew he was the one! We had a long courtship of 8 years before we were finally married in 2007. I think "long courtship" sounds better than saying he was a slow mover. Ha.

We are the proud parents to beautiful Little PB&J Bud who was born December 8, 2009. As cliche as it sounds, she is the greatest thing that ever happened to us. She is amazing! And like every other mother in the world, I will argue that my baby is the best baby in the history of babies. Becoming a parent for the first time was such a exhilarating experience that we decided we wanted to add to our family when Little PB&J Bud was only a few months old. We have officially been TTC number two since April of 2010.

Of course I have to include a pic of Little PB&J. She has just started walking and is quite proud of her new skill.


And for fun, I'll throw in a pic of Mr. PB&J and I on our wedding day. We were both skinnier then. My excuse is I had a baby. I'm not sure what his excuse is.

The road to TTC number two hasn't been an easy one. I have had a series of long, irregular, anovulatory cycles which have been nothing short of defeating. I have charted, drank POM Juice and Green Tea as well as religiously popped Evening Primrose Oil caplets all in the hopes of getting pregnant. When those methods failed to work I decided to take a back seat approach to TTC (mostly to save my sanity) and I found out I was pregnant with baby number two in early December. I can't even begin to tell you how excited we were! I was FINALLY pregnant and we could put the stress of TTC behind us once and for all. But, I am sorry to say the pregnancy was short lived and I started cramping and bleeding two days after my BFP. To make matters worse, the cramping and bleeding started hours before my daughter's first birthday party. Awesome. My chemical pregnancy was later confirmed at my OB/GYN appointment that following Monday.

So here I am, going on 10 months of TTC and I am back a square one. I was given the all clear to start TTC from my OB last cycle. You know that saying of how you are more fertile the cycle after a miscarriage? Yeah, well I bought into it even though I knew I shouldn't have. But I couldn't help it! The thought of getting pregnant again so soon was the one thing that helped me deal with the chemical pregnancy. So when AF arrived in January, I was completely let down.

I am excited to share my experience here with others who are going through the same thing! Mr. PB&J and I have decided to keep our TTC journey to ourselves for now. Which meant he has had to solely bear the brunt of my frustrations regarding TTC. Poor guy! So since I now have another outlet to discuss CM, temperature shifts and OPKs, it will alleviate the amount of TMI I share with him :)

Thanks for listening! I am never good at introductions so I hope mine wasn't too awkward!

Love,

PB&J Bud