Mother's Day Delimma

So with Mother's Day coming up I have a dilemma that I am not sure how to handle. Every year that I have been married my husband and I take our mother's out for a special day of good food and pampering and a little gift. Last year my MIL gave me a gift as well and a cute card that went on about how even though I didn't have children that I was still a mother to my niece and nephews and such. I felt awkward and a bit sad because it brought attention, I felt, that I wasn't "real" mom. It wasn't too bad since it was just my mom and her in the car with me when she gave me the gift. She in no way meant it to be that way but I think she didn't want me to feel bad since she was getting a gift for my SIL who does have a child and felt she should get me one to? She is the nicest lady in the world but since she has known about our infertility issues she has been walking on eggshells I feel like and is trying to overcompensate because she doesn't know what to say to, is how I think. So here is the issue, this year we will be down in Vegas with the in-laws and the SIL's Family over the Mother's Day weekend for a little getaway/wedding that the SIL's family is attending (Sorry for all the long relational chain). Anyways I debating whether or not to call my MIL and tell her that I don't want her to get me a gift for Mother's Day because I am not a mother and I feel like it points out the fact more when she pretends that I am especially when it is around everyone else which is embarrassing to me and makes me feel really sad about the fact that I don't. I in no way feel sad on Mother's Day when I am focusing the attention on my own mom and my MIL because they were wonderful Mom's and they should be celebrated. I also hate when everyone has to be included on holidays just to be included when they didn't earn that title as a parent.

So, should I talk to my MIL or just let it go, she may not even get me a gift this year, and not make a big deal out of it?

Good To Be Back

I had a great visit with friends and family back in New England. Pretty much the Baby Tour of Massachusetts. I got to see my best friends 3 week old daughter, three of my nieces (ages 14, 6 & 6 months) and my nephew (15 months). Also got to spend some time with my extended family and some good friends. I even got to color Easter eggs! Mine is the pink one with the tulip, the rest are the two eldest nieces.

Seeing the newborn was a good reminder of just what we'll be in for come October. Sleep, Eat, Poop, Eat, Squawk Like a Pterodactyl, Sleep, Look Cute, Poop. Sweet little girl. Its good to see my friend adjusting so well to motherhood, and its even better that they have their little IVF miracle home in their arms now.

The nieces & nephew are all growing like weeds. I hadn't been home in 6 months. Its amazing how much they change. The 2 day old (in Sept) is now learning to crawl! Crazy.

It was great to be around family and friends with regards to the pregnancy as well. There was so much excitement, it really was catchy. Several of my aunts mandated I show them belly pics as things progress. Not too fond of that idea, but will probably send enough to appease them. My MIL and SIL took me on a maternity clothes shopping spree. The were soooo generous. I'm really glad I got over my issue with being ready for maternity clothes and was able to embrace the situation. My parents were honestly a little luke warm with regards to the pregnancy. They are excited, but having issues with the 3,000 miles between us. They want to be there for our little family and spend all the time they can with their grandbaby...but distance & finances are throwing a wrench in that. We'll make the best of it.

I did get some unexpected news on Easter. I'm not the only one in my immediate family expecting. I'm going to be an aunt again! My brother and his wife have a baby due in late November.

For those curious about air travel while pregnant: One of the airports I went thru security at had back scatter and one didn't. I just went through the metal detector. For the back scatter, the sign said it had the equivalent of two minutes in a plane of radiation exposure. If I'd been running late, I'd have just gone through. I mean, I was flying clear across the country...two minutes of exposure isn't going to make much difference. I wasn't in a hurry though, so I asked for a pat down. TSA was pretty good about it, though the pat down was a little more intimate than I'd have liked (running hand under and between breasts, getting inquisitive about the band on my maternity jeans). All in all it wasn't a big deal.

Probably should include my 15 week update since I'm at 15 weeks 5 days already.

Been feeling pretty good this past week. My biggest news is that I think I'm starting to have the beginnings of a bump! I was putting on my PJs one night on the trip and noticed my belly was sticking out further than my boobs. Glance at a mirror & sure enough! It seems to be more in the evenings when my muscles are tired. This timing also coincides with when my back tends to ache and when my lower abdomen muscles ache (both recent developments). No new cravings or aversions assuming I told y'all about the pork aversion issues that began last week. I've been hiding from the scale...will face that one in the coming week. No appointments this week, so nothing to report there. Best moment of the last week was spending time with family and sharing the excitement of the pregnancy with them. Worst was dealing with my parents issues with the distance between us.

Heading Home

(Image Credit: http://www.abcteach.com/directory/clip_art/transportation/)

Tomorrow morning, before the sun is even up, I'm heading to the airport to catch a flight back home. I'm getting picked up by a cab before 5am...there is something seriously wrong with that. It will be a long day of travel seeing as my destination is clear on the other side of the continent, but it will be good to see everyone again. I'll be there for a week.

The last time I was home was when Mr Cactus Bud and I headed out with our dog for the West Coast. We moved since his work decided he needed to be stationed over here for awhile. We've been here about 6 months now. So, I'm heading back. Its a multi-purpose trip. Not only will I be spending Easter with family for the first time in about 5 years, but it will also be my first chance to see my best friends newborn. It will also be a chance to visit with our nieces and nephew that live in the area, including one that literally was born days before we began our trek over here. Added bonus is that news of our pregnancy has just hit the presses back home, so I'll get a chance to see some of the people who are really excited about the news. I know it may sound a little selfish, but I've been looking forward to being the bearer of this good news for years now...its surreal that its actually happening.

Needless to say with all the baby-ness the coming days will involve, I'm incredibly thankful to still be pregnant. I was thankful anyways, but if this pregnancy hadn't stuck I probably wouldn't be taking this trip. Its hard to explain if you've never been down that road, but being around babies or those that are expecting can be really hard when you've had a pregnancy and lost it. Its almost like you had a teaser of what you could have, and then had it taken away. I don't think I'd have had the strength emotionally to handle the trip if things hadn't worked out thus far with the pregnancy.

Quick update on how Week 14 is going so far: I've literally had zero symptoms the last few days, and its been freaking me out. I guess its pretty normal for this stage, but its really weird to feel normal. Thankfully this evening I've been having some ute cramping, which hopefully is letting me know the little bugger is growing. I really don't feel like I have much more updating to do about this week. No appointments, no new symptoms, just kinda plugging along.

We Have Arrived

My mom and I are finally here in Panama!! This time around I was mostly packed a week ahead of time, met with my doctors and purchased a panama map for my GPS system to hopefully minimize my time getting lost!! Our flight was soo much nicer this time around as we flew business class and the food was 10x's better tasting and the seats were wide and comfy to sleep on which helped get some sleep as we flew the red eye. We arrived at 10:30 in the morning and Eric, our Medical Tourism contact, met us at the airport to take us to my first appointment. It was a good feeling to know that someone was waiting and things are taken care of and I can just relax and enjoy the journey. Last time there were so many unknowns, including if the medical tourism company was a scam or real! I remember flying into Panama City and saying to my Mom, "so do you think someone will really be there to pick us up?"

Our first appointment went smoothly, we met with Dr. Berbey's assistant and he did the initial ultrasound, we went over the surgery and what happened, my medicine schedule and our next appointments. It is a nice feeling to know what is going to happen, how to do my injections, what will happen at each appointment, and a past round to compare to.


This round I am on 3 amps of Menopur (10 days), 3 tablets of Clomid (3 days) and 1 amp Cetrotide (4 days). My first injection stung but I know that it will get better and then get more irritated towards the end of the two weeks but hopefully it will be all worth it!


We are are currently wrapped in our cozy robes and tucked into bed watching Biggest Loser definitely a good motivational show to be watching so I think I will have to take those people's dedication and hard work and transfer it to my IVF cycle!!

We're Approved!!!

Yesssssssss. One less thing to worry about: we got a letter in the mail on Friday that we have been approved for our Fertility Center's Shared Risk program!! I was told that acceptance into the program was contingent upon completion of all fertility workup screening results + your mock embryo transfer (MET). All the testing is done, but we don't do our MET until this Friday January 22nd. I guess my RE, after looking over all of our test results, spoke to the committee & they felt confident enough to approve us for the program! I am sooo happy that we know we are approved, but now we have to pay up! We owe the full $22K for the program by January 23, 2010. We plan on putting down $2K, financing the other $20K & then using both of our FSAs to immediately pay the finance company $10K back. Then we hope to pay off the remaining $10K within a year. I left a message with my RE office's financial counselor to call me tomorrow to help me apply for the loan. Mr. WB & I have always been very responsible with money & thankfully, we both have excellent credit, so I don't anticipate there being any issues getting the loan. But, of course, I'm a worrier, so I always worry until something pans out, lol.

I also got the call about shipment our my meds from the mail order pharmacy - I overestimated how much the meds would cost us OOP...they will only be about $260 including shipping! We should be receiving our meds on Tuesday. I know that we are truly very fortunate to have this Rx coverage & God willing, if this cycle gives us a little baby Worry Bud, then I plan to donate any unused meds to an internet message board that I frequent's Rx donation program.

On January 22nd, I have my MET & injection training class, so hopefully that'll help me with my fear about giving myself injections. Then, on January 26th, I start my first Lupron injection, along with baby aspirin. That's only a little over a week away & I am surprised how quickly this cycle is coming up on me! I told my mom & sister the tentative dates for our IVF cycle & my sister is SO excited! She's trying for #2 & is hoping that we are pregnant together. She is so confident that it WILL work & she's hoping for twins for the WBs! We went to Target & browsed the baby aisle; she was just so positive & enthusiastic for me, it feels good to have her in my corner.

Photo Credit

Her confidence that this cycle will work for us really lifted my spirits & I have been really positive about everything all weekend. I hope to keep this optimism going into our upcoming IVF cycle. I don't think she'll ever know how much her support means to me. And with any luck (& some divine intervention), we will both be expecting new nieces or nephews soon!

Talking about IF with others

I don't know if it was the post-Christmas blues, the end of 2009, or our upcoming IVF, but starting the middle of last week I was feeling pretty horrible - lonely & anxious to be exact. I told Mr. Worry Bud about it & told him that I think I want to speak to one of the IF counselors at my RE's office & he agreed that I probably should...he even offered to go with me! So, I am calling today to to see if we can get an appointment sometime in the near future. I just want to be sure I talk about my anxiety & why I am scared with someone who has experience with IF. I feel like it will better prepare me for IVF & all the emotions that go along with it.

Photo Credit

I also told my mother & sister about our IF this weekend. They were both very understanding & supportive & I am soooo happy I told them. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off me now that they know. I can't really explain it, but that's how I feel. It made the whole rest of my weekend better after talking to both of them about everything we are going through. I saw both of them in person & I basically just explained how we started seeing a Dr. about my short cycles & that as part of standard procedures, they test both partners. I told them that all of the testing on me came back normal, but the testing on Mr. WB revealed that his semen quality was not ideal for us to conceive the natural way. I told them that I would not discuss the specifics of the S/A findings, and they respected that. I told them the Dr. gave us a less than 5% chance of conceiving on our own & that Mr. WB & I had decided to move forward with IVF. My mom - who is not a very emotional person - said that she was very sorry to hear about it & asked lots of questions about my RE (success rates, how good the fertility center was). My sister asked more about the IVF procedure itself & I explained all that I could & told her we'd be starting shortly. They both asked how much it was going to cost us & I told them what we were paying & how many cycles it included. I am so happy that I told them now - they are probably the only IRL family (or friends) that we will tell. I think we may talk about it more after we have children, but for now we want it to be a private matter.

My next hurdle will be telling my job. We have a very very liberal sick leave policy & I know my supervisor won't ask too many questions, but I am still scared to tell him/them about what's going on. I'm not sure how exactly I will tell them, but I will most likely do it in the next month or so. Obviously before the actual IVF cycle starts, but probably after the mock embryo transfer & any other testing/procedures that takes place in the month preceding the actual ER/ET. I want to talk privately with my boss & ask that he keep the information to himself, and say that I am undergoing treatment for a non-serious (it is to me, but I don't want to give TMI) medical condition that will require outpatient surgery & monitoring appointments before/after the procedure. I think that telling them once, even if we have to do IVF more than once (H&P that we don't!), then they won't really question me switching my telework days around, coming in to work late, or taking sick leave when needed. I am not going to give them a time frame & hopefully they won't ask. I hope that they respect my privacy & do not tell any other management (some of the managers in my office have big mouths)...and I don't want any of my colleagues questioning me about what's going on. Photo Credit (for above image).

As far as my current cycle, I have been slacking this past weekend on temping - I would wake up & then fall back asleep before temping. I temp REALLY early - at 5am, so it's really hard to wake up on the weekends! I did temp consistently until I confirmed my O for cycle #7 and then off & on since then. I noticed this AM (7 DPO) that my temp dropped pretty close to the cover line, so we will see what happens. I am not feeling the familiar twinges that tells me AF is coming, but sometimes I don't really before hand. Once/if (still wishful thinking that we could have a miracle BFP ;o) AF starts, I will call my RE nurse & get further directions on when to start the BCPs. I am feeling okay, mostly just ready & full of hope to become a mommy soon! Please continue to pray for us & send any positive thoughts for a successful 1st IVF attempt our way...your T&P mean more than I can ever express in words!

Disappointed

Well, AF reared her ugly head yesterday. No baby this cycle. Welcome to the New Year.

Mr. Nerdy Bud was so great yesterday -- reassuring me that we'd keep trying and that everything will be alright. I know it's only the first cycle, but we tried *so hard.* I haven't been on BC for a year. I don't know what could've happened, and that's what's driving me crazy.

How do you girls do this? Just keep trying month after month, staying positive?

I think the hardest thing was being with my siblings all last week, seeing them with their babies and wondering what it would be like to be a mom, too. I took some portraits of each little family with their babies, and while it was fun, it made me a little sad, too.

Here are some of my favorites:

On a brighter note, today is my one-year anniversary being married to Mr. Nerdy Bud. I can't help but think how great it would be if we were celebrating a little something extra. But I guess it's not meant to be.

We're going to dinner tonight at a fancy Italian restaurant and we got small trinkets to exchange for gifts. Christmas was really good to me this year (a Canon Digital Rebel XS), so I don't expect much.

I hope you all have a wonderful day, and thanks for listening!

The Talk

It's snowing outside! And that's quite a feat, as I live in the Lone Star State!

This White Christmas miracle has put me in a very positive and hopeful mood as I reflect on the changes in my life since we decided to start TTC. This is quite a change from the last few days, as I've been moody and negative. I'm sure Mr. Nerdy Bud is very happy right now!

I know there's no physical difference, but I feel different. Sometimes, I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says, "Active baby-maker." I know it's all in my head, and that nothing has happened yet. But I can't help but get my hopes up. And I'm so scared that it's going to do me in.

Earlier this week, I went to visit my mom, who lives about an hour from my house. We see each other often, and I couldn't wait to tell her about my news. You know, that we were trying. I'm still up in the air as to whether that was a good idea.

Not that she wouldn't be supportive, but that she'd be overbearing. Upon telling her that Mr. Nerdy Bud and I were trying she squealed in glee and proceeded to quiz me about how often we do it. Shudder. That is not something I want to talk to my mom about.

Another problem: My mom knows me all too well. I can't fool her. She immediately sensed that I was stressed about this whole process. I have such a hard time with things I can't control. And this is *majorly* out of my hands. She told me I need to relax and have fun with this -- easy for her to say -- and that my stress could cause my body to have a negative reaction and make it harder to conceive. She's no doctor, but I value her wisdom.

So that's where I'm at: trying not to freak out and stay a little less stressed. Enjoying the cold weather and the snow and hoping that this time next year, we'll have a little one to share the season with.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and that more miracles are forthcoming!

A 2WW for Christmas

I have one day and one and a half hours of work left before I'm released for Christmas Vacation. So little of me wants to work right now that it's probably illegal. I just have no motivation to do any of my work. All I can think about is what I'm looking forward to eating for Christmas, wondering what I might get for Christmas from my parents (who always go above and beyond for no particular reason) and thinking about the idea of being pregnant.

Working for a baby supply company doesn't reduce my baby fever at all. Most people I know are deceived that if I'm around baby stuff and babies all day long (because working moms can bring their babies to work with them) that it is going to suppress that feeling of wanting to be a mom. What a joke! It's like telling someone who loves Oreos to stand in front of a freakin conveyor belt of Oreos and not touch one. What a tease!!!

To be completely honest, not many people know that we are TTC because frankly they would throw a fit. This is why I feel it's important for a short while for Mr. Travel Bud and I to keep our anonymous status in order to protect ourselves from outlashes. For serious. I did decide though that I needed to share my thoughts and feelings with people somehow since my mother looks like she's going to faint if I mention the idea of her being a grandma in her early 40s and any of my friends think I'm too young or wasting my life by wanting to have children so early. It's difficult to feel alone and not have any support, besides Mr. Travel Bud. I know that someday when I tell my mom I'm pregnant she'll eventually be happy, but I think she has irrational fears of me being just like her throughout my adult life. My mother had me when she was around 20 years old and she begged me to wait to get married until I graduated college, that didn't happen, and then she begged me to wait until I was about 27 or 28 to start having kids, and that probably won't happen. I think she just wants me to have a more easy and fulfilling life, which I appreciate her concern, but it's heartbreaking to know that if I had to tell my mom about being KU she'd have an adverse reaction initially. I want that moment to be a happy moment, not something I'm afraid of doing. This is why TTC for us is so hush hush. There's no need to give my mother any indication that we're TTC because there's no need to give her a premature heart attack.

My best friend is getting married soon and the last thing on her mind is having kids. She actually loathes the idea of having a baby someday, so talking to her is not the way to look for understanding or support. Plus, she'd probably have a little bit of an issue with me being 7 months pregnant at her wedding. Yikes. Most of my friends are not at the age where they're thinking about kids so it's hard to have people around as support. Most of my friends that are moms are a good 5-10 years older than I am. For me, I know I'm young, but if the doctor recommends that I try earlier on, I'm doing that to avoid as much heartbreak as possible with the looming thought of IF issues. With endometriosis running in my family there's no need for me to be naiive and put it off, when I could be proactive now and do everything I can to conceive in the easiest manner possible. If it comes down to it in the future, of course I'd go to any length to have a baby, but if I can avoid the heartache by taking preventative or proactive measures now, I will.

As for now in this cycle, I'm in the 2WW and should be able to test around the 3rd or 4th of January. I'm not feeling very hopeful this cycle as much BDing didn't go down between Mr. Travel Bud and I due to sickness a few nights, and an argument another night. It'd be nice to have that NY BFP, but I think I'm out this cycle. Until then, I'm just ready to enjoy Christmas with my family and friends.

Until next time,
Travel Bud

What a week

So lets just say this week (plus a couple of days)has had some serious ups and downs.

It all started last Thursday night when I went over to my moms and we started our yearly marathon baking session. we had 22 different things on our list to make and we were giving ourselves 3 1/2 days to make it and get the cookies separated and packaged up for delivery to friends, family and coworkers. Well Thursday night we started by mixing up the 6 recipes that had to chill and chopping dried fruits and nuts for some of the other recipes, fairly easy and relaxing.


Friday morning we got up and started baking our little hearts out. About 1 pm we discovered that one of moms pairs of oven mitts had a hole in the thumb, this led to a huge blister that covers about a 1/3rd of the side of my thumb. I however did not drop the pan of cookies or cry (yay me), but if little Daffodil Bud could hear the words coming out of Mommy's mouth then she heard somethings she probably shouldn't have.


Saturday and Sunday went pretty much the same way lots of work but we got all of our baking done, mom and I are both sore and tired but we accomplished a lot and even made baklava for the 1st time.

And while I am at my moms busy baking our new operating system for our computer came in and Mr. Daffodil Bud got us all fixed up!

So then Monday starts off, pretty good day in all actuality, I changed my hours at work to do a 3pm-11pm shift for the day instead of my 11am-7pm so I could do laundry and get some extra rest before work. I get to work and have to go to the bathroom so I set my stuff down at my desk and go toward the bathroom. I got to an intersection in one of the hallways and just have to hug the corner as I got really really dizzy. 2 of the CSR's see this and drag me to an office and make me sit down, the one even went to get me water. My face was all warm and very red. Finally after 10 minutes or so I feel like I can at least make it to the bathroom and then back to my desk, one of the CSR's escorted me back and then told my co-workers to keep an eye on me. I felt warm and my face was red for about 2 hours after all of this but I stayed in my chair until I had to go to the bathroom again.



Well about 9pm my face starts to feel all warm again, no dizziness but just that warm flushed face again. So I decided to go and take my blood pressure with the portable monitor we have at work, 141/80 not terrible but a bit on the high side for me. I post to one of my favorite message boards about being a bit worried, one of the girls, a nurse talks some sense into me about at least calling my doctors after hours number to see what they say and at 11pm I am off to the hospital. My BP when we get there is 151/70. They take me up to L&D and I have to pee in a cup and get hooked up to a monitor. Baby is fine my BP goes down to a better place 135/65 , nothing showing any reason for it to be elevated at all. I think I just way overdid it on those cookies and baby and my body said hey there lady hold up a sec and rest.



Tuesday after I got my car picked up from work and went home I just took it easy and relaxed.

Wednesday morning my fingers and ankles were a bit swollen so I called the doctors office about being concerned and was there anything they wanted me to do before my appointment on Thursday. Well apparently the message system was broken or at least that is what they told me Thursday morning when I went in and I got a call about 6 hours after my appointment on Thursday.



At my appointment my urine was +1 for protein, my favorite(at the doctors office Gen) nurse told me they start testing for pre-e at a +3. My Bp was great 120/64, I have only gained 3lbs so far and was told I need to start gaining a lb a week and little Daffodil Bud's heartbeat was 142 and I am measuring right where I should be for 21 1/2 weeks. So I am fine, baby is fine and all is well. Lets hope and pray it stays that way!



Well Ladies (and any gentlemen that may read) this was a long long post. If you have made it this far thanks for reading. Here is this weeks bump picture at 21 weeks 1 day.

FINALLY...some good news!!

When I last left off, I was in talks with a potential insurance carrier that my job offers to see if they would cover our IVF prior to the 2-year of infertility stipulation. I was in good spirits because it looked as though we may be able to get coverage.

But, Wednesday was a bad day for the Worry Bud Family - the day just kept getting worse & worse. First, the answer from the insurance about waiving the 2-year IF stipulation prior to them covering 50% of IVF was NO. :o( Unfortunately, they cannot waive that & the guy who had been helping me said he did some research for me on the other potential carriers available to us in our area & none of them would be able to cover the IVF at this point either.

Photo Credit

As a result, we have decided to stick with our current insurance carrier - we are on separate insurance, but have the exact same insurance since we both selected the same carrier & work for the same employer (our insurance does not offer the "self + 1" option, only "self + family", so it's cheaper to stay on separate insurance until we have children). Our current insurance covers 85% of IF diagnosis & treatment, but 0% of assisted reproductive technologies (ART), so since we are still in the diagnosis/treatment phase, we are sticking with them. Although, if (God forbid) we are not pregnant by the end of next year, then we will most likely consider switching to the previously discussed provider, since we will be closer to the 2 year IF waiting period by that time. And with our employer, there are no pre-existing condition exclusions allowed for any of the insurance carriers.

Second thing that happened on Wednesday - we found out that Mr. WB's best friend & his wife are expecting. I am pretty good friends with his wife & they were not trying to get pregnant (although I have a suspicion, based on the discussion we had, that she may have been trying to get pg w/o him knowing - she's always trying to school me on the best time to have sex in order to achieve pg...little does she know, I know all that & then SOME about the subject!), but she was late & I told her to test, so she POAS & of course - BFP. Ugh. I hate feeling like this - they are both very excited/happy, so I'm happy for them, but it just sucks that we are dealing with this. I wish we could just be a "normal" couple, who could have sex & get pregnant. It's just that this whole ordeal has lessened the excitement of the "trying" part of TTC. Now it's more like GATC - getting assistance to conceive. I try to put on a happy face when others announce their pregnancy & I know it's not a race to get pg, but I just feel like we are beginning to get left behind because all of our friends are starting their families pretty easily (some even working on #2) & we are struggling to even get pregnant with our 1st. Sigh.

Photo Credit

And last but not least, my lovely AF decided to make an appearance on Wednesday evening. It started out light late on Wednesday, but my RE doesn't consider it CD 1 unless the flow starts before 5:30pm that day, so I marked it as spotting on Wednesday & AF/CD1 for Thursday. She brought along with her, a lovely set of cramps - thanks for that. So that means my LP is down again from 9 days to 8 days, but still better than previous cycles' 2-3 days.

But, finally, a bit of a silver lining in what has been a pretty horrible week for me - Flexible Spending Accounts (FSAs)! Hallelujah & praise God for them. Our employer offers an FSA that you can max out at $5K each year. The money is taken each pay period - PRE TAX, so it potentially puts you in a lower tax bracket & saves you money in the long run. The FSA is pre-funded for both of us, so it starts out with however much you elect to withhold. I had a lot of questions for the FSA program & got all of them answered, so here's our new plan to pay for IVF:

1. Both sign up for & max out both FSAs (spousal care is included, so I can use mine on him & he can use his on me if our individual FSA gets exhausted).
   
2. We will save as much as we can - approximately $1-$2K per month & finish up our testing/treatment prior to IVF. I am suspecting that Mr. WB will be seeing a urologist & perhaps getting some treatment to help improve his counts. And I will ask about getting on progesterone supplements for my LPD, so that we can continue to try on our own while we are doing the rest of the diagnostic testing & follow up with other specialists.
3. When/if we are recommended to go on to IVF, then we will put down as much as cash as possible, then finance the remaining portion thru Fertility Finance, which our RE is a participating provider with.
4. They will pay the balance on our account on our behalf prior to beginning actual IVF treatment.
5. Then we will get the statement showing the account is paid up from our RE & submit the claim form to our FSA.
6. The FSA will reimburse us $10K immediately & we will use that money to give to the finance company & then reimburse ourselves if any money is left over.

Oh & our current insurance company does cover some of the medications we will need for IVF - whew. So, I am hoping this all works out & we get a little one in my belly in 2010! We are currently still waiting on Mr. WB's medical records fromt he Dr. who performed his testicular torsion surgery & the results of the repeat S/A. Please continue to send all the T&P you have our way that this works out for us!!!

PS - I want to send special T&Ps out to Dandelion Bud - I am praying that your follies continue to grow as they should & you get your long awaited sticky little DB (or 2)!! And to Sugar Bud - I am so sorry for everything you are going thru & wish the best for you & Mr. SB...please let me know if there is anything you need.

20 weeks or so update

20 weeks have gone by and we are halfway to meeting baby Daffodil Bud. This time seems to be flying by and yet so far from when she will be here. I am starting to get a bit nervous over the fact that we aren’t registered yet and don’t have the big furniture picked out. We do have a cradle that we will be using at 1^st when she gets here so if we don’t have the crib set up we will be ok but it is so hard to believe that there is so little time left.

This weekend I am going to my moms for the weekend and we will be doing our yearly bakestravaganza. We are making 22 different kinds of cookies/candies this year which is actually a few recipes less than normal and we are doing this over 3 full days instead of 2 1/2 because mom knows that I won’t be as able to run on my feet for everything this year. Next year may be very fun. I know that baby Daffodil Bud will be too young to participate just yet but I wonder how well a full weekend of baking will go with an 8 month old around unless Mr Daffodil Bud is willing to do a whole weekend at home with baby and no me.

It is so hard to think that next year all my plans will include a new little person and while I am excited beyond belief that she is on her way and already halfway to being here I also feel somewhat nervous.

So as I work on the nervousness I leave you all with my 20 week "bump" pic.

17 weeks down and lots of excitement

One more week is almost done in the 40 week wait to little Daffodil Bud's arrival.

This week I had a doctors appointment where of course I got to hear that sweetest little swishing sound of baby's heartbeat. Things are progressing normally and the heartbeat was 140 this week. So far I have only gained 2 lbs but my weight is shifting to where people say they can tell I am pregnant and not just my normal overly fluffy self.

The biggest event so far for this week was getting the big ultrasound scheduled. Next Friday the 27th, Black Friday, instead of joining the madness of shoppers we will be sleeping in and then going to see if our baby will co-operate so we can find out if this is a Boy or if it is a Girl.

Thankfully we have a few things happening before Friday so I can not obsess for a whole week about the ultrasound. My baby brother is a senior in high school this year and he and the rest of the football team are still in the playoffs for the state championship. They play this Saturday for Semi-Finals at 1pm so there is that fun and then of course Turkey Day on Thursday.

Of course if my brother and his team beat their opponent this Saturday then it is on to the state championship game at Ford Field in Detroit on Friday afternoon so Friday may be a busy busy day.

So hopefully next week I will have lots of exciting news to report. Until then here is the 17 week "bump" picture :) 

My RE Consultation

We went in for our RE Consult on Tuesday. Yes - I realize today is Thursday & that I shouldn't keep everyone in such suspense, but sorry - I got busy! But, before I tell you about the actual visit, let me set the scene: So a little over an hour before I was supposed to be at the RE's office, I was meeting my mom at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to switch my old car from my name to her name (giving it to my little sister who is a minor) & to surrender my plates since I just bought a new car. So, after we wait in line & get up to the counter of the DMV, the lady says we need a notarized statement saying that I am giving the car as a gift to my little sister to avoid paying sales tax. I told my mom that I just wanted to get this done with & get the car out of my name so that I didn't have to insure it anymore. I also didn't know I had to surrender my plates - I thought I could just transfer them over to my mom's name, but NOOOOO the Virginia DMV is difficult & makes you actually surrender the old plates & the new owner needs to get new ones! Can you say a 'effing.waste.of.my.time?! Since I was oh so ready to be done with this whole shenanigan, I told my mom that we would run over to her house & get the plates off the car, then run to the bank for the notarized statement & then run back over to the DMV to finish switching the title over to her name. Well, by the time all that was done, it was 2:00 PM & I was supposed to be at the RE's office by 2:10 PM since it was my first appt.

Well, on my way speeding home to pick up Mr. Worry Bud, I remembered that I had not printed out my charts, so I had to call Mr. WB & walk him through how to print out charts in Fertility Friend, lol. When I got home, we grabbed the charts, paperwork, medical records, etc. & ran out the door. It was 2:08 PM by that time & I live about 10 minutes from the RE's office. Needless to say, we were late - we arrived at like 2:21 PM & then I realized I hadn't filled in our insurance information on the front of the registration form. And I also neglected to fill out another form, so I was still filling those out when we got in the office! Ugh...crazy day!

Finally, after all that craziness & after I got weighed & they took my height, the doctor comes out & calls my name. We shook hands & then walked back to his office. He basically reviewed our paperwork & asked follow-up questions about our medical & family history. Then he went on to explain the whole reproductive process & we discussed my concerns. He agreed with me that my LP is "a little on the short side" (his words, not mine - I personally think it is A LOT on the short side). He explained all the testing we need to get done - regular b/w, CD testing & an HSG for me plus an SA for Mr. WB. He also suggested some genetic testing to test to see if we are carriers of cystic fibrosis &/or tay sachs - we still haven't decided if we would do this or not. I asked about testing my progesterone levels & he said that he certainly could, but that regardless of the levels his initial approach to treatment would be the same. He told me that because of my health & age, he thinks that I have an excellent chance of conceiving without invasive procedures. He told me that he believes that I am ovulating, but just late & possibly weak, but he thinks that a low does of fertility medication (ie, Clomid) will help correct my problem. Chef Bud also suggested that I push to get some progesterone supplements along with the Clomid, so that is something I am absolutely going to be bringing up with the Dr. as well.

After we left the office, I really felt like Mr. WB was apprehensive about all the testing & possible cost of everything. We were unable to speak with a financial counselor at the consultation because the lady was out of the office, so they are supposed to be having someone from another office call me this week to discuss costs. I have actually done a bit of research on my insurance & it appears that they cover 85% of testing and treatment, but 0% of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) - ie, IUI, IVF, etc. The good thing about working for the federal government though is that we have 50+ health care plans to choose from - all with different levels of coverage for certain conditions/Dxs, co-pays & deductibles. And also, the government has negotiated with the available insurance carriers so that there is absolutely NO EXCLUSIONS for pre-existing conditions. So, I think for now, I plan to stick with my current insurance company & make a decision about switching at a later time if we need to.

Tough Decisions:

Photo Credit

So, like I was saying, Mr. WB seemed very apprehensive, which made me feel like he thought I was overreacting or jumping the gun on all of this. He told me that he is just confused because he doesn't know too much about all of this stuff & he does think I am just worrying a bit too much (go figure - once again, hence my name) & a bit too early. I told him that this is how I see it: I would rather do the testing now & find out that nothing is wrong, than wait to do the testing & find out something is wrong a year from now. After a serious discussion, he agreed with me & is okay with moving forward...but still wants to know how much everything will cost out of pocket. If I do not hear from a financial counselor by the end of the day, the nurse told me to call & ask to speak with someone at the end of the week, so hopefully we will get some definitive answers on that front soon.

At this point, I am being optimistic & trying not to stress too much about the whole thing. I hope Dr. G will help us quickly correct my LP issue & we get our BFP very very soon! Oh & 1 more thing - check out my chart (link under "The Beautiful Buds" section over there --> on the right hand column of the blog), today I got CH's on CD 20 & this morning's temp jump was crazy - I don't think my temps have EVER been that high post O. I am not getting to excited about it, it's just odd & worth mentioning. I was just telling Obsessive Bud today, what if my LP does fix itself & I get pg on my own?! How exciting would THAT be?!

Updates...

Hey everyone. I'm back - I needed to take a step back from everything & evaluate my options after my breakdown post last week. I wanted to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to everyone for all the thoughts & prayers sent my way. It's just so disheartening that all of this is happening to me...to us. I know that many women have bigger problems on their hands TTC & I feel selfish, but I can't help but feel horribly for myself and my Mr. Worry Bud. Of course he is amazing & tells me that everything will be okay, I just need to be patient. :o) But, I guess it's the fact that I never ever thought I would encounter any road blocks in my TTC journey (who does?), so it was hard for me to accept that something not right is going on & it was all weighing heavy on my heart.

I am so fortunate to have a coworker who can relate to my situation - she is encountering some difficulty TTC, so she and I talk a lot about everything we both have going on. She gave me a referral to her RE to start getting tested & *hopefully* find out what's going on. She (like many other women on my favorite message board) said that she thinks I should just go straight to an RE since they specialize in fertility & they can most likely provide the best help. IDK why, but I have this fear that the Dr. & I will sit down to talk and he will be like you have been trying how long? Uhhh, why are you wasting my time? Then bust out laughing at me for being a crazy baby-obsessed woman (Or something along those lines)!

Photo Credit

I know, I have absolutely NO reason to even think like that, but for some reason...I do. So after thinking long & hard about everything going on, I decided to take that step & call the RE. I am hoping this new Dr. will help me to figure out what's going on & get me pregnant ASAP! I can't wait to bring a little miracle into this world...and make my husband the happiest man in the world (again!). My appointment is coming up here quickly on November 3rd & I am both excited & scared at the same time. But, Mr. WB will be there with me & I know know he will help me to remain somewhat calm.

In other news, I was talking to my older sister yesterday (she's older by like 2.5 years) & she said she & her husband are about to start trying for baby #2. I hate feeling like this, but I am SUPER jealous...I wanted to be the next to get pregnant & I still may be, but still...hmph! I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my sister & I love my nephew & it'll be great to have another little niece or nephew, but I wanted to be the next one - you know what I mean? My nephew was an accident - in fact, she wasn't even married to her now husband at the time, so she said as soon as she gets off BCPs she will probably get KU again. Which means, we may be pregnant at the same time if all goes well with my RE! In a way that would be cool, but I also wanted to be the PG one! It would be my 1st though, so I have some satisfaction in that fact, lol. I'm literally LOL'ing as I type this b/c I sound sooo ridiculous saying all of this. Really, I'll be happy for my sister, just a little sad if she is pregnant AGAIN before we even get pregnant for the first time!

That's all I got for now - I am on CD6...still spotting from AF's appearance last week. I took a break from temping during her visit to see if I was less stressed not doing it & it honestly makes no difference. I don't think it's charting that stresses me out - it's the fact that my LPs have consistently been alarmingly short for the past 4 months & nothing I do is helping that is stressing me out. I also added in vitex this cycle, but I hear it sometimes takes several cycles for it to kick in so we shall see how that goes.

13 weeks and stress galore

Wow 13 weeks in just a few short days I will be in my 2nd trimester. It is still so surreal that baby Daffodil Bud is coming.



This week has been pretty good, little to no nausea anymore, still tired but I guess if the body says I need sleep I better sleep when I can.



The weekend brought some stress, Friday night after I got out of work I found out that my grandfather was in the hospital. He is the primary caregiver for my grandmother who has Alzheimer's. I am very worried about them both and can't help but wonder if my baby will ever get to know a couple of my grandparents the way I go to know my great-grandparents.

This is the time of year that one of my moms folks always fall ill and end up in the hospital, it never seems to fail that sometime between September and November one of them ends up in the hospital. 3 years ago it was grandma with a very bad bladder infection that had turned into E. Coli. 2 Years ago grandpa was in for about a week and a half, he had all sorts of tests and they found colon cancer. The cancer was removed with clean margins but he never had and chemo or radiation afterwards. Last year Grandma fell and broke her hip and was in and out of the hospital from November until January with various infections, etc while her hip was healing.



So this year it is grandpas turn. He went to the doctor on Friday because he hadn't been feeling well. The family doctor thinks it was/is the flu but asks that grandpa go to the ER because of H1N1 and be tested for that. He was pretty dehydrated and needed an IV. Upon a physical exam the doctors found grandpas belly to be tender so they did some tests and found an abdominal mass. At this point they don't know if something is just blocking his bowels, if it is scar tissue or if it is a recurrence of the cancer. We are unlikely to know anything until Monday.


My grandmother is currently being cared for by my aunt, uncle and mother until she can be placed in a home temporarily. She can go to a couple of different places but until she has had a chest x-ray to determine her health status she can't be placed. So tomorrow my mom gets to take her for the x-ray and hopefully get her settled in to a care facility until my grandfather is either well enough to take care of her again or decides that it is finally time that he can no longer do it all.


I wish that I could do more to help but not knowing if grandpa has/had H1N1 and not wanting to worry about putting me or the baby at risk I can't help.Thankfully the family 1)understands why and 2) because I am a grandchild I am not really expected to help but last time he was hospitalized I was able to.


Now on to other news. My mom and I had plans to go shopping yesterday which because my aunt and uncle were able to take care of grandma yesterday we were able to keep those plans. In our shopping yesterday I got to a maternity clothing store that actually carried plus sized clothing :). I actually now have 2 pairs of jeans that don't need the rubber band button trick and a cute new shirt. Also I now know what sizes I need should I want to order some more online.


I have an OB appointment on Wednesday this week so hopefully I will be updating more about baby later this week :).

12 weeks

So today marks my 12th week of pregnancy. 12 weeks such an incredibly short time in a journey of 40 but feels like forever even. Some days I still have a hard time believing that I am even pregnant, others when I wake up feeling queasy and exhausted it really sinks in.

A week and a half to go until my next Doctors appointment, also that day will mark the 13 week 3 day mark that is the benchmark for the 2nd trimester. I am having a hard time believing that we are almost a 3rd of the way through the waiting for our baby to be here. There is so much that we have to do yet and I think that Mr. Daffodil Bud and I are going to be freaking out more as we get closer to D-Day. We haven't really shopped for any furniture yet, I mean I have window shopped and have an idea of what I would like for baby furniture and what it is going to cost us but Mr. Bud hasn't gotten to really look at any of this yet.

We really don't have anything going on to much to report about so I am going to go to a couple of funnies from the week of what family has said to me.

On Tuesday my mom found out what the dates are for the spring car sale, that the credit union she works for, are May 7th and 8th. So she calls and leaves me a message that the baby better not be late. Like we really have any control over that but thanks anyway. When I got to actually talk to her I told her she'd better talk to her grandchild about that one and while she was at it could she ask it not to come 3 weeks early like mommy did. If this baby comes 3 weeks early like I did I would have it on Easter. Now I know this sounds selfish(because frankly it may be a wee bit) but I would like to enjoy my ham, mashed potatoes and deviled eggs please! To which she responded the baby will come when it comes. Really mom? I never thought that that would happen :)

Now on Thursday Mr Daffodil Bud went to get Subway for lunch. The woman that manages our local Subway is a friend of Mr. Bud's from high school. Well apparently she recently( about 4 months ago) had a baby girl. So Mr bud tells me when I get home from work that night about his friend having had a baby girl and says to me "you'll never guess what she named her" to which I reply "the name I have had picked out for years?". Yeppers his friend has named her daughter the name I have picked out for ours if we ever have a daughter. I told him I really didn't care, the name is a family name that I picked out when my great-grandmother passed when I was 19. The name is gaining popularity again but I don't care if my future daughter goes to school with 4 in every class, it is a family name meant to honor a woman who meant the world to me.

So there are our crazy things this week. Hope to have more to report on next week once I have seen the doctor again.

Every family has nuts some just don't fall far from the tree

Well right now I am 10 weeks and just waiting for my next doctors appointment and just experiencing the same symptoms I have been. Nausea,tender breasts and fatigue.


So I thought now would be the perfect time to talk a little about family and how sometimes they are just a bit nutty. Now don't get me wrong because I love my family but sometimes they are just too much.



To start off we'll talk a bit about my stepmother. When I was a junior in high school my dad and stepmother got together. She had just had a baby and very shortly thereafter she and my dad were expecting my baby brother. When I was a senior in high school my father and stepmother had my brother and then got married. Flash forward nearly 18 years, I have gotten married and am expecting my 1st child. My stepmother is freaked out by the fact that she is going to be a grandma. She is younger than my dad and only 8 years older than me. I realize that becoming grandma at 43 is a bit scary but I am more than old enough to have a baby. If it were my 18 year old stepsister or 17 year old brother about to make her a grandmother I would totally get the freak out but I am just not being understanding because it is me and find it ridiculous that she is acting for lack of a better term so bratty about it all.



Then we have my mom. My mother is a very kind loving person and would do anything for me including drive me to the brink of insanity. She was Momzilla when we were planning my wedding and while I was grateful for her help I had to remind her that it was my wedding more than once. Well now she keeps getting on me about Mr. Daffodil Bud and whether or not he's chosen a boys name yet. I have had a girls name picked for many years and mom knows it. She is just concerned that if Mr. Daffodil Bud doesn't come up with a boys name then when we have an ultrasound that it will end up being a boy. She really wants the baby to be a girl and is calling the baby by my girls name when she refers to it.



Next we have my mother in law. As far as mother in laws go I have pretty much hit the jackpot when it comes to someone who I know cares about me and I can feel comfortable around. The thing that she is doing every time I am around her is trying to feed me more food. She keeps insisting I need more because I am eating for two. I keep telling her that I don't need an extra candy bar, slice of pizza, etc. because I am not hungry for it and trust me when I need extra I start feeling like starving marvin. She is good about what she calls the baby though one time its granddaughter then the next its grandson. She is at least waiting until we have the ultrasound to permanently start calling it s/he.



And for this installment of the nutty family chronicles we have dear Mr. Daffodil Bud himself.

I asked him to come up with a boys name seeing as how I had a girls name already picked (that he has already agreed to). He is a wee bit redneck and works in a shop with some that are more than a wee bit redneck. So one night he comes home and says he had a name. So I asked him what it was. He says Cooter Billy Bob. Um nope try again so then he asks how about Jorge Jesus and I had to ask him which one of us was Hispanic. Not that there is anything technically wrong with that name but Mr. Daffodil Bud and I are two very pale skinned ethnic mutts. So we are still at square one on a boys name.



And for not having much to say this post got long in an instant. Thank you for reading about my nutty(and mostly lovable) family.

MIA? RIP? too many abbreviations for me

So why have I been MIA? Well, we had to take an emergency trip because Mr. BrainyBud's only grandfather was dying and we hopped in the car to see him before he passed. Image Source
Mr. BrainyBud is pretty torn up still but not full of emotion quite yet. On the way home, he asked if I would be open to discussing changing our son's name to reflect his grandfather. Of course, I am open to it. We decided to wait until we've conceived and find out the gender before bringing it up again. We've had our daughter and son's names picked out for YEARS so changing one now, just seems strange.

So, do you have your (definite) names picked out?

Do they reflect family names?

Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud

Ahhhh Family.....

Yesterday my aunt and uncle hosted a small cookout for part of the family, basically my mom and I and my grandparents along with my aunt, uncle and their 2 sons. Well my grandmother has Alzheimer's disease and of course you never know on any given visit what she'll remember and what she won't.



Yesterday had been one week since most of the family found out that we are expecting and I was surprised that grandma remembered except for the comments were priceless. 1st thing she said to me when I walked into my aunt and uncles was "boy you are putting on weight"hmmm not really but thanks.

A little while later she asked me if I was pregnant again, ummm no grandma I am still pregnant with my 1st.



Now sometimes with grandma you have to wonder if she knows who she is really talking to but she called me by name so I guess she thinks I am fat and pregnant with my 2nd or 3rd and not my 1st.



Gotta love family.....