SSDD: My lining still sucks

Went in for a follow-up ultrasound today. I'm on 4 estrogen patches and 2x/day estrogen supps and guess what, my lining hasn't budged. It's still around 6.5. Well technically we did manage to find an angle that measured 6.8, but this took a lot of probing and there were still plenty of angles that measured barely above 6. There is also a spot of fluid in my uterus again, though it's close to my cervix and they think it's mucus (my last estrogen count was in the 1600s and the mucus seems like a logical diagnosis). Whatever.

So the nurse called the doctor in to look and although you need glasses to even see my lining on an ultrasound, it does show a nice trilaminar (aka "triple stripe") pattern. The doctor was pleased enough that we got the green light to move ahead with my FET on 12/17. In the meantime, I'm going to start drinking POM juice again and maybe start taking baby aspirin (the doctor gave me the ok but I didn't have any so I haven't started yet).

Sigh.

All this goes to show that no matter how much money or time you spend, you may not end up with a baby. I am beyond encouraging words or "power penguin vibes" at this point. I wonder if the people who say "Keep trying" have any idea how much $$ we've spent (at last count it was something like $33k in insurance and another $30k or so out of pocket). For us, "keep trying" really equates to "keep spending money." Clearly throwing money at my uterus is getting me nowhere. We have 5 frosties and I am grateful that they don't cost much $$ to put back, just patience. I'm already starting to plan ahead for when those fail. We'll probably try a frozen egg bank next, though I'm afraid they might reject my shitty uterus. Maybe we'd get better results with donor sperm? Who knows. Maybe we should just get another puppy and get on with our lives.

And I'm still waiting for the much-hated-by-infertiles question "Why don't you just adopt?"

Well because that takes years and tens of thousands of dollars too, and I don't see the odds being any better than what we're trying now.

Maybe we need a gestational carrier. I can't even fathom what that would cost.

The puppy idea is sounding better and better.

I'll post an update after my transfer.

Golden Bud

SSDD in the sucky lining department

Here we are on Day 15 of estrogen supplementation for my FET and my lining is at 6.5mm. It's a good thing we built an extra week into this cycle because I'm going to need it. On the plus side, I'm above the bare minimum of 6, and the nurse said their research indicates that donor recipients have equal success for linings of 6 or greater. On the sucky side, I was hoping for a lining miracle and I am not going to get one.

The transfer is still set for 12/17.

My due date is this weekend.

I'm happy for my newly (or very!) pregnant Buds, but at the same time it sucks to be me.

Definitely responding!

I had my first monitoring appointment today. 5 nights of Follistim so far. I have 5 follicles. 16, 15, 13, 12, 10. The nurse said there is a risk of being canceled (they cancel with over 3 good size ones). I'm to do one more night of Follistim and go back tomorrow to see how they look. Hoping only the larger ones grow large and the smaller ones stay under 16. Still waiting on my blood test results.

My lining was at a 5, which she said was still pretty thin. They like to see at least 7 for triggering.

Since there is also a significant absence of cervical mucous, they may be doing a post coital test tomorrow as well.

The power of negative thinking

8.1

I can't even believe it. My lining increased from 5.6 to 8.1 in 2 days. I could see the improvement the second the ultrasound picture appeared. The doctor was thrilled. The nurse was thrilled. I was just...shocked. There appeared to be a spot of fluid in my uterus, but the doctor wasn't concerned and said it wasn't near where the embryo would be transferred to.

Now we're back on the rollercoaster with the upcoming transfer, the freeze report, and of course the beta. You'll have to pardon me for not being overly excited. The negativity seems to work in my favor. I'm debating whether to cancel the pity party I'd planned for tonight (margaritas and mexican food). Maybe just skip the margaritas.

I'm waiting for my transfer time on Sunday. Mr GB isn't going because we are very superstitious--he didn't go last time and I got pregnant, so he won't be going again this time. (And frankly that's fine with me--we've done this so many times and the last time he did go he brought a Starbucks coffee and a muffin and got muffin crumbs all over himself in the very room where the embryos are transferred. So much for a clean room.)

I'll post updates as I have them.

Yours gloomily,

Golden Bud

My uterus sucks after all

After 3 days of extra estrogen pills and POM juice, my lining has not shown any improvement. The doctor wasn't there today and the nurse admitted she was worried. I asked her if she thought it could be scarring from the D&C (known as Asherman's Syndrome) and she said maybe. She wanted to talk with the doctor first before saying any more. I was thinking of just canceling this cycle, freezing what embryos we have (we'll know details tomorrow), and then having another hysteroscopy to check for scarring. The doctor, on the other hand, wants to increase my estrogen dosage and check again on Friday, thus in my mind postponing the inevitable. If I don't have a miracle with one estrogen pill once a day, I don't know how I can expect a miracle after doubling the dose.

I think today was the first time I ever cried at the RE's office. The nurse was sympathetic and told me she'd struggled with infertility herself. I ended up calling in sick because I had 3 meetings in the morning and there's no way I'd be presentable, let alone functional today. Of course now it's after noon and I'm going stir crazy waiting for the doctor to call. I have my work laptop with me but sadly my biggest accomplishment so far is finishing up two DVDs to send back to Netflix.

Can this get any harder?
Can our luck get any worse?

Unfortunately given our history, the worst is yet to come. 

I'll sign in for our fert report tomorrow and after my next ultrasound on Friday.


Golden Bud

Twenty four

Just got the call--our donor's egg retrieval is Tuesday, our 3rd anniversary. I hope this is a good sign. What's definitely a good sign is the number of mature follicles she has--24! Wow wow WOW!

In the meantime I've been drinking POM juice and thinking thick thoughts. I was trying to remember what I'd done differently in past cycles and I realized one major difference--I was taking baths almost nightly right up until embryo transfer. For whatever reason I hadn't been taking baths this time, so I took one last night. And I'll take another tonight and tomorrow and then see what Tuesday's ultrasound brings.

I also found a great blog post from an RE, Dr. Licciardi, that talks about how lining thickness might not be that critical (scroll down to The Endometrium Part III). It gave me a lot of hope.

Til Tuesday,
Golden Bud

I spoke too soon

In my last post I said my uterus rules.

Apparently, it does not.

On Friday I went in for a lining and estrogen check. As soon as the vag-cam was in place I knew something was wrong. I barely recognized my own uterus. Turns out my lining is thin, which is yet another new problem for me. Can you believe my terrible luck?

The nurse called in the doctor and they checked all my old lining stats and pictures from my last hysteroscopy (during my D&C). The doctor doesn't think it's a physical issue, like scarring, just a poor cycle. Last time (my previous donor cycle) by this point my lining was 9 something. This time it's 5.6. They want at least 7, and the nurse told me she'd seen twin pregnancies on a 6 so that's the bare minimum. Fortunately my transfer is over a week away, which they tell me is plenty of time to build my lining. The doctor gave me estrogen suppositories and I've been drinking POM juice and raspberry leaf tea, two home remedies to build lining. My estrogen test came back at 441, which is a good number (they want >150), but at this point I think lining thickness is more important than estrogen level.

In other news, my donor had been in earlier that morning for her Day 8 ultrasound. The nurse gushed that the donor looked great and was doing really well. She had 15 measurable follicles plus another 40 or so. Our donor is going in for another ultrasound on Sunday and they may have her trigger then, which means her egg retrieval will be Tuesday, which happens to be our 3-year anniversary. I love the thought of our children being conceived on our anniversary--it would be a fitting beginning to the next step of our journey.

I go in for another ultrasound on Tuesday to check my lining again. I hope hope hope it's thickening up. I don't know what else they can try...I've heard that Viagra suppositories also work...maybe I'll end up on those. I was also thinking of making an acupuncture appointment. It never did much for my follicles by maybe it'll work for my lining (ironically I threw out her business card on Friday. Serves me right). Thank goodness we are planning for a 5-day transfer to buy a little more time. Worst case we'll have to freeze everything and start a frozen embryo transfer ASAP. Fortunately I think we have a really good chance of having a good number to freeze, so my lining issues aren't the end of the world, but still, talk about stress I don't need!

I've also been shopping for my donor gift. Mr. GB will deliver it to the clinic when he goes in to give his sample. Her favorite color is teal and she likes yoga, so I got her a teal notebook, votive, and an "OHM" necklace. I still need to write her a note...I'm so not good at that part. I'm sure I'll think of something.

Til Tuesday!
Golden Bud

Suppression Check, checked!!

I got to the RE at 7:30am for the monitoring cattle call, where it's first come first served from 7-8:15 for blood work and vagcams. Considering that I didn't get out of there until 9:45, i think next time, i'll be there right at 7. Maybe even a few minutes before. Might be rough, considering it's almost 40 minutes away, but I was almost late for work this time, and don't want to take that chance again.

Anyway - the update.

I took my first shot in my leg today, previously i've been doing them all in my arms. starting monday, i'll be taking 4 injections daily. I needed more options than my arms. And since it seems that my RE is more strict than some others, i can't take them in my abdomen. The leg shot hurt, but at least i'll be able to do them myself.

Bloodwork (bw)
I don't know if I'll even find out the results of the blood work this time, but I really don't care yet. I'll want to know my estrogen (E2) levels and progesterone (P4) levels as time goes on.

Ultrasound (us)
We're very happy about my vagcam results. My IVF Nurse (F) did it this time, rather than Dr. Z, so the eyes on the US were different. She also had a much lighter tough, and wasn't looking for things as aggressively as he does. 10 days ago, Dr Z saw 14 antral follicles. F saw 11. I'm okay with that. She said the most important thing is that there's obvious activity in both ovaries. The other great news is my endometrial lining. It measured 7mm. F said that is a great starting point. Apparently they like to see lining from 8mm-13mm for implantation, and I'm well on my way to that point. It's also homogeneous, which means it's one layer right now. Eventually, they'll want to see it at three layers for implantation to occur.

Stimulation Protocol
So, here we are... i'm ready to start cranking these follies out! Sunday morning, I'll reduce my Lupron dosage by half to 10 units (and hopefully lose these migraines in the process). Then, sunday night, I'll take 150 units of Gonal-F and 1 vial of Menopur.

Monday starts my new schedule:
In the morning:

• Gonal F 75 units
• Lupron 10 units
  

At night:

• Gonal F 75 units
• Menopur 1 vial
  

My next monitoring appointment will be thursday morning. My dosages may be adjusted based on the bloodwork results and the ultrasound that day.

Thanks for all of the continued good wishes and T&P. With your support, I might just get through this.

Staying Positive

I had a bad week. I felt really yucky at the beginning of the week from the estrogen patches I had been on since last Saturday. I was OK with it though, thinking that it would be worth feeling crappy when the patches did what they were supposed to do and thickened up my lining. But at my appointment on Wednesday, I got the bad news that my lining was only 5.4 mm. I just couldn't believe it...I think the u/s tech had to repeat it twice because I was so shocked. It's a good think that both Mr. CB and I were off work that day, because as soon as she walked out of the u/s room I started crying and I was really glad he was there with me.

I did have a good size follicle (20 mm) so they told me to still do my HCG trigger Wednesday night and have timed intercourse Wed, Thur and Fri. We're going through with the plan and will also start progesterone on Sunday, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I hate that this process has turned from a husband and wife making love to create their child to a clinical, forced, stressful process. I am trying to have faith and be strong, but as the months go by it gets harder and harder.

Photo Credit

I'm doing my best to stay positive. I wasn't very good at it on Wednesday and Thursday but I just needed some time to process everything and get back to my happy place. I'm just going to keep putting my trust in God and know that there is a plan for us. And I know my doctor is doing everything she can to help us. So now I wait the end of this cycle out, hope for a miracle, and if no BFP then we will see what the RE has in mind for next month.