Still no AF!

I am excited and nervous that I still haven't seen AF! I also haven't tested either, a BFN is a huge blow (even though this is only cycle #3). Since I didn't temp this cycle I can only estimate that I am 12DPO. Last cycle was 29 days with a 14 day LP (although some of my TTC message board friends think I O'd later). So if AF doesn't visit by Wednesday I will test then.

As far as symptoms go I haven't had much. I have had some slight cramping, more like twinges in my sides today. I have had some serious gas today too, so painful I had to lie down. Luckily it is waning now. I have been somewhat nauseous yesterday and today but nothing too bad. I am definitely trying not to read into things though, last cycle was a real let down. I was so sure I was pregnant and then AF came.

My doctor told me that I could come see her if we weren't pregnant in 3 months but since then Mr. Buttercup Bud got new insurance and she is out of network. I might call her anyway just to see what she recommends. I am pretty sure Mr. Buttercup Bud will get a referral to a Urologist for a S/A.

I was pretty optimistic from the beginning to the middle of this cycle but the past few days I have become more pessimistic. With every trip to the bathroom I am always scared I am going to see AF. I will be sure to update with a BFP or AF announcement as soon as I know. In the meantime I will try to distract myself.

Best,

Buttercup Bud

I'm calling BFN

Still getting stark white sticks. And every morning before my PIO shot I can feel AF knocking on my door. Contrary to what the inexperienced IVFers all say (aka the "puppies and rainbows" assurances), it's pretty much impossible for me to get a positive beta at this point. I'd have some hope if I had even half a pregnancy symptom, but I don't. I'm super tempted to just stop all my meds and enjoy the holidays. I'm super tempted to enjoy the holidays anyway (and by "enjoy," I mean "drink heavily").

I've also had some time to reflect on my bitter infertile's New Year's resolutions:

• Switch RE's at my clinic
• Get a second opinion at another clinic
• Find out WTF is wrong with my lining
• Take a few cycles off
• Possibly kill more embies by putting them in my uterus
• Turn 40
• Suggest to Mr. GB that he start looking into adoption (I did all the IF work; it's his turn now)

The truth is we are running out of money. We won't be bankruptcy broke, but we won't have any savings left if we do another fresh cycle. And I refuse to put any more embies back until my lining gets above 8. These two things could severely limit our options to the point where adoption could be our only solution. It's not what I want, but what can you do? If your eggs are fvcked and your uterus is fvcked then there isn't much point in trying to have a baby.

Never in a million years did I think I'd be childless at 40. Most days I can deal with it, but I do have bouts of sadness. I was reminded once again of our childless status yesterday when I found out that our friends (who don't have kids--she's in law school) hosted their annual "cookie party" for all of their friends who have kids. So what that means is that 3 sets of our good friends got invited, but we did not. My best friend was among the invitees and we had lunch yesterday and she told me all about it. I told her it was too bad that my baby didn't have a skull, otherwise we wouldn't be childless and thus we'd qualify for attendance. This of course is my bitterness talking, and I'm sure my friend would have invited me if I'd asked. But then I'd be at a party with a bunch of OPKs (other peoples' kids) and that's no fun, either.

All this whining aside, I still love my life. I have a million things to be happy for and just one that makes me sad. That's pretty good in my book.

If you don't hear from me until after the holidays, you can safely assume that I've gotten my BFN and am too tipsy on champagne to post an update.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Golden Bud