Newsflash - I Have a Stubborn Child

We had to know from the beginning right - from the hell we went through getting pregnant, to finding out about the lost twin, to the bleeding hell with the subchorionic hematoma... nothing about this was going to be easy, right?

Well, my 12 ounce child isn't making it ANY easier.

Smudge continues to be the most stubborn and uncooperative child there is.

We had our anatomy scan today. S/he's frank breech, which means i have a head, 2 hands and 2 feet at the top of my uterus and a butt at the bottom. I gave a stern warning that s/he has 18 weeks to flip around, otherwise, we'll be meeting for the 1st time in the OR, and I'm not planning on that. There's plenty of time yet for said flippage to happen, so I'm not remotely worried about it. My placenta has also shifted to be more anterior than posterior now. It's actually right at the fundus. So, that might explain why it took so long to feel consistent movement, what with all of the hands and feet at the placenta.

45 minutes later - we got to see a hand!

The sonographer couldn't get all of the views they needed to check everything, but what they did see was absolutely perfect. We have to go back in 2 1/2 weeks to try to finish the anatomy scan, and we're also going to get a fetal echo, which is a specialized heart ultrasound, because apparently with the type of IVF (ICSI) we had to do, there is a miniscule risk of cardiac issues. We're not remotely worried - but if it's just an ultrasound, why not make sure EVERYTHING is okay... so they'll do it at the same time.

20 week belly

Meanwhile - we found out our risk categories for downs syndrome (1 in 880) and Trisomy 13 and 18 (1 in 10,000), so we'll happily take those odds. Apparently the average downs risk for my age group is 1 in 300 and once we finish the anatomy and fetal echo, he anticipates our risk dropping even more. (I already knew my results were "normal", but I'm glad the perinatologist told us the ratios.)

Smudge chewing on a hand

Since Smudge was incredibly uncooperative, we got awful pictures today. With the ones the tech gave us, she had to explain what we were seeing. I begged the one with the open hand from the perinatologist himself, since the tech didn't give it to me. I figured it was the only really clear picture the whole scan, and I wanted just one i didn't have to explain. He laughed at me when I asked, and happily handed it over.

Hopefully we'll get better ones in 2 1/2 weeks.

Anyway - here's Smudge at 20 weeks 1 day and my big ole 20 week belly. Its starting to get in my way now. It's so funny. I love it. 20 weeks and less than 10 pounds gained (7 the last time I got on a scale). I'm really proud of myself.

18 weeks pregnant?

Apparently, sometime while I was asleep, Smudge grew to about 7 inches long, and 7 ounces. A little foot is now an inch long and s/he can recognize my voice when I talk.

When the heck did that happen?

So, since this apparently happened overnight, here are some of the things I HAVEN'T blogged about this month.

First, these are pictures from my 14w5d ultrasound that I bullied my OB into doing before i went back to work after the sub chorionic hematoma:










The one on the left, Smudge is waving and the one on the right is my scary alien baby... but it's really cool (i think) because you can see the structures in the skull, the developing brain, the rib cage, the heart, the upper arms and the beginning of the pelvic bone. Smudge spent the overwhelming majority of the ultrasound snuggled on my placenta like it is a body pillow. It was really cute.

Most importantly, you can't see the SCH... it was gone and I went back to work. I still hate my job. SO hate my job. There are more issues every day. And as much as I love my OB, she's just never going to get it. I hope I'm able to convince her later on that she's going to need to pull me early. I just can't do it much longer. By 34 weeks, I want to be out. I really don't want to get into all of the issues here, but the bottom line is I have an assistant manager who would be more than happy to get rid of me. People tell me she keeps coming after me because she knows she can make me cry. Which is nice for her, but sucks for me, because being a hormonal mess at work REALLY isn't my thing. I'm still looking for another job. I probably send out 5-10 resumes every week. I thought I had something lined up for a little while, but it didn't work out.

The only pregnancy issues I've been having lately have been blood pressure related. And my blood pressure is ONLY elevated at work.

For now, I'm hoping the rumors of voluntary lay offs are true, and I'll be able to leave work with a full unemployment package. That would make things much better for us right now. My stress level would drop considerably and we would just figure out the money. Maybe not the most financially responsible thing I can do - but the best thing, health wise, i can do for my child and for me.

Nothing is more important than this baby.

I've been having wicked round ligament pain - to the point of being doubled over and wanting to vomit. This is normal. Who knew that pregnancy hurt? We all knew labor hurts, but pregnancy? Just gives me an excuse to rub my belly, though. Oh, and i'm still on pelvic rest because of the SCH, bleeding and the lost twin, so we're still on standby in the bedroom. Dr Loh wants to wait until after the anatomy scan to check the placenta again before she clears us. Last weird pregnancy thing for today... I'm already leaking. At 18 weeks, I can express fluid from my breasts. It's so weird. But it's clear, and it's normal, and I guess it means i'm getting ready. Almost 1/2 way there. I can't believe in 5 months, I'm going to be a momma.

Other pregnancy related news is that I made the decision that barring medical complications, I'm going to have a natural delivery. It's been discussed with my OB and she's completely on board. I've even hired a doula to help me through it (click on the link for my doula's website). It's really important to me that after EVERYTHING my body has screwed up in the last two years, I can prove to myself that it can do this ONE thing that nature intended it to do. And staying Team Green is part of it... our "green-ness" is going to be the light at the end of an unmedicated tunnel for me.

Meanwhile, we've been TRYING not to baby shop... I had a HUGE moment the other day though, while I was browsing in Gymboree while Mr. DB was drooling over the iPhone 4 in the apple store. Unfortunately for my wallet, they had the cutest collection of gender neutral monkey clothes. Mr. DB has a HUGE monkey thing, and I'll be honest. I do too. Here are some of the first things I've bought for Smudge (fair warning - cutest clothes ever below):























Other things we've purchased are just little things... whatever discount cloth diapering supplies we can get our hands on, some clearance things on discount websites, like an organic moby wrap for about $11 and a boppy with organic cover for $29.99.

But here's the big one... we haven't purchased it yet, but I'm pretty sure we've decided. We picked out our furniture. We still need a glider arm chair with an ottoman for the nursery, but the crib and all we finally picked. We LOVE the Essex collection from Munire in Chestnut.

photo credit

In other baby news, I had my 18 week appointment yesterday. My uterus is perfect. Heartbeat is perfect and Smudge was really active during the doppler. My OB kept asking if I could feel the movements, but I can't quite yet. Hopefully soon. The best news? My blood pressure (94/58) and my weight (only gained 7 pounds so far!). I'm going to have to start wearing compression hose at work (stupid spider veins and swelling), but if that's what it takes to avoid the varicose veins my dad has, I'll do it.

And I'll leave you with this. I can't believe my fat ass is posting it here, but here goes nothing. This is an 18 week bump picture. You'll have to trust me that it isn't all regular fat. It truly is a baby bump. I'm hoping it becomes more obvious. We're going to start taking weekly pictures from here out. But I'm definitely starting to look pregnant and not just fat.


DH and I also had a conversation about #2 last night. Sounds kind of silly, since #1 isn't even here yet. But since our post baby plan for birth control is our mutual infertility, we're sort of hoping for a miracle baby within the first year. If miracle baby doesn't show up within the first year, we plan on going back to Dr Z as soon as Smudge is weaned to cycle for #2. It always makes me feel good to have a plan.

Anatomy scan is two weeks from today. Can't wait to see Smudge again. Until then....

Conflicted

I spent last night a total mess. Remember how I said I wasn't going to worry? So much for that.

I go back to the OB tomorrow, and I'm assuming we'll find out the status of the SCH, among other things. Which means either it will still be there, and my restrictions will continue, keeping me out of work, or it will have resolved and I will have to go back.

I don't know which one I want to happen. And either way, I feel like i'm being a bad mother.

If I don't go back, we're going to start having serious financial problems in 2 months (we went over the budget last night - we're fine with what we have right now until the middle of august). Knowing that we'll need $4000 for our deductible in december when the baby is born, that leaves us about 3 months of coverage in our savings account. DH has a lot of debt that he accrued before we met, that (if he stuck to the current plan) will have all been paid off by next year, from a different account that we have. We CAN dip into that, and slow down his progress, but that has been my priority for the time we've been married. It kills me to know that we might have to slow down paying that off. Obviously we'll do what he have to ... and if that means slowing down paying off that credit, then so be it - that just chafes me.

If it IS resolved and i DO go back... what am I going back to? The bleeding started after a miserable 13 hour shift. And they're going to be WATCHING me, waiting for something else to happen so they can put me out again - of this I have no doubt. I'm going to spend most of my shift worrying about the baby - am I being exposed to something I shouldn't be? Am I doing too much? Am I getting enough to drink? Can I find 10 minutes to sit down? And if I do find 10 minutes to sit down, am I going to have something said to me like "maybe you SHOULDN'T have come back".

So, the bottom line is, which is worse? The stress of worrying about the baby at my job, or the stress of money.

My husband says he'd feel better if i didn't have to go back right now, because he thinks I'd be more stressed out if I were working. At least money we can figure out. Maybe not live how we've become accustomed to, but making necessary cut backs and we'd figure it out.

Either way - i feel like i'm being a bad mother. I should want to provide all i can for my child financially, so I should be happy if I can go back to work. But I should also provide a safe environment for my baby, and I don't think I have that at work.

I don't know what I'm accomplishing by writing this. I do feel a little better after reviewing the budget last night - at least i know where all of our payments are coming from now, and I don't have to worry about the mortgage (which is my main concern). And honestly, none of this matters until we see what my OB says tomorrow..

I just wish I knew what I wanted her to say.

After a lot of thinking, I really think I'm better off NOT going back. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty saying that.

The Sweetest Sound in the World

I really considered getting a doppler once I graduated from Dr Z, to sustain me during the long waits between OB appointments. (How anyone expects an infertility patient to be able to act like a "normal" pregnant woman is beyond me.) I did my research, found the best ones that could hear an early heartbeat that wouldn't completely break the bank, and started stalking ebay and craigslist (nationwide) so I didn't have to pay full price.

Then I started bleeding. Stupid subchorionic hematoma.

What a nightmare that was. Thankfully my doctor's office is wonderful (we love Dr Loh and nurse Maggie) and we were able to see that Smudge was okay right away... but now the anxiety level was even higher. How on earth was I supposed to handle the long wait between appointments now?! Bleeding, scared to death? That's conducive to relaxation. Sure.

So I made a plea to a group of women who know I how feel. Fellow infertiles, both pregnant and those who already have their take home baby/ies. And someone came through.

Thanks to the kindness of strangers, I now have a doppler I can call my own. I tried to pay for shipping, and I promised I would return it in 6 months, but she says no. She's 41 and she's done. It's mine.

And last night, for the first time, we heard Smudge's heartbeat. Not a ultrasound simulation in m-mode. Smudge's actual heartbeat.

Want to hear? It's music to my ears.

12 weeks and ALREADY? This is ridiculous!

Show of hands... at 12 weeks pregnant, the very 1st day of your second trimester, how many of you know women who were already out on disability?

Oh, just me? Shocker.

So, let's take a show of hands then on who is surprised that if anyone was going to be out on disability at 12 weeks pregnant, it would be me?

Ah, yes, that's what I thought.

So, once diagnosed with the subchorionic hematoma, my OB said I could go back to work with a lifting restriction. Work said, "oh, if you can't lift, you can't work". It's ridiculous. 99% of my job involves things OTHER than lifting patients. They'd rather cover all of my shifts than let me do the overwhelming majority of my job.

Insanity.

Well, i'm not going to complain. It's going to make things REALLY financially tight. As soon as I know how much my disability will be, we'll have to revamp the budget a little. I was hoping to have some of our savings account intact for when the baby gets here... that might wind up being an issue now. But we'll deal with it as it happens. My job was HIGHLY stressful, and scared me every day. At least now I know Smudge is safe. That's really the bottom line, and all that matters.

In other news, we had our NT scan yesterday. The MFM (Maternal-Fetal Medicine) doctor said things couldn't look more perfect. The saw the nasal bone (which apparently is really important), the nuchal fold was 1.3mm (needs to be less than 3.3mm), they visualized the stomach, the bladder, 2 hands and 2 feet and the heartbeat was perfect at 163.

So, now we just wait for the blood work to come back, which will tell us with 95% accuracy of our risk for Downs Syndrome and 97% accuracy our risk for Trisomy 13 or 18.

Smudge is officially exactly like my husband: bald, stubborn, sleeping during the day and cranky when you wake him up. The baby didn't want to cooperate at all during the scan, so the sonographer had to resort to creative tactics to get him to move. Once Smudge finally started moving, little arms and legs were flying all around... he was VERY annoyed. But once things settled down, Smudge actually grabbed onto the feet. It was really cute.

Next OB appointment with Dr L is on June 9th. Until then, i'm hoping this spotting stops at some point - for now it seems that I'm down to spotting at least 1x a day.

Smudge is SO Grounded

I really can’t complain about this pregnancy so far. I’ve had nausea, I’ve been dizzy and I’ve definitely been extremely fatigued. But I can’t complain. If barely being able to hold my head up is the worst of my 1st trimester, then I definitely can’t complain.

More than anything else, I have never spotted. Not once. Not a hint of it.

So this morning, when I saw that blood on the toilet paper, on the last day of my 1st trimester, I just about lost my mind.

First I called my husband, told him I was spotting. Then I called my doctor’s nurse, and was barely able to hold my voice together. I told her what had happened, and that I knew everything was probably fine, but was there any way she could fit me in tomorrow, just to get checked. Thankfully, Nurse M knows about everything we’ve been through. She was mostly worried about me. She told me that she could hear me shaking on the phone. She was going to call Dr Loh (who was at the hospital) and call me back. Meanwhile, I called a good friend who would keep me occupied until Nurse M called me back.

When Nurse M called back, to my surprise, they weren’t going to fit me in for an ultrasound tomorrow. She was sending me immediately to the radiology place they affiliate with for an ultrasound. She faxed a prescription and said they were waiting for me, and would take me as soon as I got there (it was about 40 minutes away).

Our sonographer was Linda, and she was wonderful. Seriously kid gloves. Exactly what I needed. As soon as she put the wand on my belly, we saw a little arm pop up. All I wanted was to see the heartbeat, but Linda kept saying that with all the movement, everything was fine. Then we saw the perfect heartbeat beating away at 173. And then I breathed.

The ultrasound was amazing. 15 minutes of watching baby acrobatics. And Smudge was MOVING. All over the place. Cartwheels, somersaults, the works! Kicking and waving up a storm. It was great to see. And as soon as I saw s/he was okay, I pointed at the monitor and said “you’re grounded”, and the baby promptly raised it’s arm.

I’m fairly certain my child just gave me the finger.

Measurement-wise, we’re ahead in everything. The head is measuring 6 days ahead, abdomen 1 day and femur 3 days. I even got a NT sneak peek… the baby wouldn’t cooperate well, but from what she was able to see, she said she saw no significance to the area at all. So, although highly unofficial, I’ll take it.

Linda did find all three fibroids… so they’re still there, but the largest is hanging off the back of my uterus, so that’s fine. The two smaller ones are embedded in the wall, but not interfering with anything.

Then I saw the little black patch at the bottom of the screen. I’m a nurse. I’m not an idiot. I know what blood looks like on an ultrasound. I pointed it out to Linda and asked her if it was a subchorionic hematoma, and she said that, yes, that’s what she would call it.

Well, now we have our answer.

I’m 100% convinced that the HORRIBLE day I had at work yesterday, where I was on my feet for 12 hours, wasn’t able to sit hardly at all and didn’t drink nearly as much water as I would have wanted to, combined with the SCH is the reason why I spotted today.

Needless to say, I’m not going in tomorrow. I already called out.

So, here I am, sitting on my comfy chair with my nalgene bottle filled with water and the remote. Smudge is waving at me from the ultrasound picture on my right.

Today is the last day of my first trimester, and I absolutely love my baby.

It’s real. I’m pregnant. And I’m going to do whatever I have to in order to assure this baby is born healthy.