Scary Day Yesterday

Yesterday was the scariest day of this pregnancy. Started out normally (sick as usual). Before lunch, I went to the bathroom and just like I do every time I wipe, I looked at the TP. This time, unlike every other time, there was red blood. I didn't even know what to think. I was terrified, but told myself I had to hold it together and see what happened. So I gave myself an hour--ate lunch, drank some water, surfed the web, and promptly at the hour mark went back to the bathroom. I saw lots more red blood, went back to my office, and called the midwife. I don't know if it's a good thing that the nurse who answered remembered me from my last miscarriage, but she did, and she was able to schedule me for an appointment an hour later with one of the midwives. She also was able to send an asap ultrasound referral to the hospital, with the hope I'd get the call to schedule it while on the way to their office for my appointment.

Then I called Mr. Magnolia Bud, and just started sobbing on the phone. I think he only heard "blood" "appointment" "coming to get you." Looking back, I'm sure he was terrified getting that call from me. But he was great about everything. After I picked him up, we went to the birth center. On the way, we got a call from ultrasound scheduling, and we scheduled one for 8am today.

At the birth center, I had a couple vials of blood drawn, gave a urine sample, and then got called back to meet with the midwife. We talked for a little while about my history, and then she pulled out the doppler. We were a little surprised, since we're still considered borderline early for doppler, but went with it...and she surprised us again when she immediately was able to find a strong heartbeat at 160. We listened for a little while, and Mr. Magnolia Bud started to tear up. I was still in shock that there was an audible heartbeat! She did a quick pelvic, during which she didn't see the cause of the bleeding, and then we talked for a while longer. We talked about some homeopathic remedies for nausea and insomnia, including nux vomica (nausea), calms forte, coffea cruda, calcarea, passiflora, pulsatilla, and aconite (all for sleep). She gave me a sample of nux vomica and calms forte--I tried the nux yesterday, and it kept me nausea-free for a couple of hours, it was great!

Anyway, back to yesterday's tale. After she finished checking me out, she said she didn't see any reason to worry. She said it was up to us whether to keep the ultrasound appointment, and she told me that oftentimes, stress can cause obscure reactions in women--including bleeding. I told her what had been going on with my job (promotion, awkward work situation with the former director now working for me, etc), and she said to minimize my stress and delegate wherever I could.

We ended up keeping the ultrasound appointment for another fistful of reassurance. Bright and early this morning, we headed in to the hospital for our appointment. The tech was one of the ones I had had during my miscarriage, though she didn't remember us. She too was able to find a strong heartbeat right away at 174, and the baby was measuring 10w1d. The doctor said at this point, they'll keep my EDD the same, and my risk of miscarriage has dropped to minuscule percentages since we've seen the heartbeat twice and are able to hear it on the doppler. He didn't see anything that could explain the bleeding, so to be safe, put me on pelvic rest and gym restriction for a week after the bleeding stops. Since it's tapered off to brownish-red spotting, I'm hoping the restriction will be lifted at my appointment next Friday. So today, I remain at 9w3d, with an EDD of September 19.

I also got the bloodwork back--all normal, except I'm Vitamin D deficient. So as soon as I get home from my work trip tomorrow night, I'll be kicking back and relaxing at home for the weekend...with my new friends, Vitamin D supplements.

As a prize for reading the saga, here's a pretty picture of our little baby from today! (Head to the right, arm sticking up, legs toward the left):

Baby Makeup Bud's Birth Story

First, let me apologize about this taking so long. Life with a LO, your own business, and finding your way after such a huge life changing event has been harder than I thought! Here's my birth story...

After my failed induction the week prior as well as my zero-progress & regression news at my appointment on the 29th, we scheduled a c-section for 12/1 for a few different reasons (blood pressure was rising after my failed induction, dr didn't want me going over 41 weeks, and I was full term).

We went in at 5:30am and was sent right up to L&D for admittance. It was so amazing, my L&D/OR Nurse got my IV in the first try - which compared to my visit last week where they stuck me FIVE times before they got it, was awesome. After all the boring admit stuff, at 7:30 I walked in to the OR with sweaty palms and a pretty high heart rate from being nervous.

They sat me on the table, put a really warm blanket on my shoulders and my Doctor stood in front of me holding my shoulders & rubbing them. He gave me a little pep talk, telling me how great of a mommy I've been thus far and we're only minutes away from having our baby boy in our hands finally - that got my heart rate down quickly. He then started talking about his trip to Cabo (the next day!) that he was taking their whole office to. We got to talking about Jamaica and our honeymoon last year... all this was happening while the anesthesiologist (who was AMAZING) was injecting the numbing needles in my back - which was what I was most scared of.

After a few tries with placement the anesthesiologist finally got my spinal in and within a minute my toes were tingly and warm. I laid down on the table and it took about 10 minutes to go completely numb. 7:46am is when they made the incision and at 8:08am our beautiful baby boy was born! It went by really fast between my hubby and the anesthesiologist talking me through what was happening and just talking about random things. He was wedged up under my ribs still, so high the assisting Dr had to really push him down to get him out.

I could hear Baby MB's first cry as soon as they pulled his head through the incision. My heart MELTED and at that very moment, our world changed forever. He had a strong cry, too! They took him straight to the warmer after giving us a first glance and he cried a little bit as the nurses were cleaning him up. I started talking to him and calling his name (we did this a lot during pregnancy) and he turned his head in my direction right away. They put him on my chest and we snapped a few photos.

Mr MB and Baby MB went to the nursery for all his weigh-in, stats, and vitals while I got put back together and stitched up. It took about 20 minutes to get stitched & stapled (about 30 staples) and then I was off to the recovery room for about an hour. I couldn't wait to see my LO so that hour went by pretty slow.

Once I was done in recovery I was taken to our room and finally got to truly hold him. We tried breast feeding right away and boy was he hungry! He latched on right away.

Recovery from the c/s hasn't been too bad. I took what many people told me very seriously - stay on top of the pain meds and don't try to be super woman. I've been on 800mg of ibuprofen every 6 hours and I alternated tylenol and oxycodone between those every 6 hours. The first day after the surgery was rough getting up and moving around so I took it pretty easy.

Our doctors were quite proud!

one of his first photos!

And a few photos from his first two months:

Making Funny Faces

First Christmas!

Smiles!

One of our fave cloth diapers!

Thank you so much to everyone who gave support and lent prayers through my pregnancy. There were some scary moments, but it was all worth it. If you'd like, you can follow me to my personal blog to read and see more about Baby Makeup Bud.

I know what I'm feeling is normal

I wrote this entry almost a week ago, and debated whether or not to post it... today I finally decided to.
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I Know What I'm Feeling is Normal

You sit on the end of a table, holding your husband's hand. The RE sits in front of you with a clipboard. That clipboard holds your hope, your dreams, your future, your past. Everything you've lived for... on those lines. Then in the upper corner... a picture.

Embryos.

Three of them. You can see them. Oh... YOUR embryos. The RE hands you the picture. Explains what you're seeing and what you're looking at. You lay back, still holding your husband's hand, and the embryos are inserted through your cervix where they should stay for the next 36 weeks. And you're still holding the picture.

The whole procedure takes less than 10 minutes. You're now PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).

After 30 minutes of rest at the doctor's office, you go to the acupuncturist. Where she tells you not to pull your shirt up today. You're being treated as if you're pregnant.

Then you go home. Your doctor wants you on bedrest for 2 days. So your husband treats you like you're pregnant.

Your husband talks to the embryos. Tells them secrets that you're not allowed to know. That's okay. You have the picture. Your embryos.

You look at that picture every day. All day. You can see the babies the embryos are going to become and the stories you'll tell them about how they were conceived. You imagine bringing them to meet the doctor, and hanging their picture on his wall... next to all of his other success stories. You picture showing them the photo one day, and telling them that it is the first picture you ever had of them.

You inject yourself with hormones every day - to convince your body that it's pregnant, because with IVF, sometimes it forgets. Injections and Pills in the morning, suppositories three times a day, more pills at night.

Your body thinks your pregnant. Your mind thrives on the hormones. Your eyes keep staring at that picture.

But one afternoon the phone rings.

All of the hormones, the dreams, the imagination.

Gone.

You're not pregnant.

Even though you still have that picture.

You turn the picture over, and write the date on the back, then slide it into your nightstand. You can't throw it away. In your head, these were already your babies. You think you do this for closure. But it just makes the hurt worse.

IVF #1
1/4/10
BFN