AF May Be Arriving

So I just counted back to the last time AF came and that was March 12th so yep sounds about right a 68 day cycle!! I have been feeling like my boobs were a bit bigger and I have been craving lots of chocolate so I figured she would be coming or I was pregnant either one. Of course the more likely of the two is AF and this morning when I wiped there was a tiny bit of blood so she may or may not be coming or maybe implantation bleeding??!! Haa ha ahaa isn't it funny how we like to torture ourselves with maybes and hopefullies when it isn't true. Have you seen the show Pregnant in Heels? I think it is the most ridiculous show due to the Maternity Concierge's clients are so selfish and rarely seem excited or want a baby but of course can get knocked up without any trouble. The Maternity Concierge has been doing IVF to get pregnant and the first round she ended up with an ectopic pregnancy and they were starting her second round and she was feeling funny and they checked and sure enough she was pregnant. Now that is pretty exciting and it always makes me feel a little hope but that pesky negativity in me always reminds me they don't have the same issues as we did just the same IVF experience.

Oh on a positive note my friend who also needs to do IVF to have another baby wrote me and told me she is getting to start this Friday. I was soo excited for her but also a little jealous that she gets to start and I have to wait but mostly excited for her good luck and news!!

Having GREAT friends helps + follie check #1!

I had my first follie monitoring appointment this morning, but before I talk about that, can I just AW my dear dear Bud friends for a minute?! Chef Bud & Obsessive Bud. They are literally so.freakin.awesome. And let me tell you why....

First, Chef Bud - she is such a wonderful, sweet person. We met online on one of our favorite TTC message boards back in late June when Mr. Worry Bud & I started TTC. We have been there to root each other on through failed cycle, after failed cycle, but have both tried to remain positive & hopeful! Since we both started seeing RE's for our TTC issues around the same time, we kept in touch via email to support each other. I checked our mail this morning (forgot to last night...had to run to the grocery store to get some essentials before the crazy winter storm expected to hit our area in a few hours) & look what I got:

Lucky penguin Valentines socks, a very sweet card & a rose quartz heart shaped stone. The note with the rose quartz says "RQ represents love & fertility. It is said to help promote pregnancy & to protect the mother & unborn fetus from miscarriage."

Well, I sent a personal note to CB, but I just want to say publicly that you have no clue how much this gesture means to me. It brought tears to my eyes that someone I have never met IRL cares that much about me to put together something so special & send it to me. It makes me feel so good to know that I have such wonderful people out there thinking of me. My rose quartz heart & penguin socks will definitely be accompanying me to my monitoring & other appts. & procedures! Thank you again & again & again Chef Bud - you are truly a wonderful person, friend & are going to make a wonderful mother. I love you girl!

And then, there's Obessive Bud. She is an awesome friend & shortly after she joined the blog, we became close friends that talk pretty much everyday via text, phone or G-Chat. She has been so positive & has been a wonderful support system for me - cheering me on as I go! I just want to say thank you to you as well OB for always being there & for calming me down when I start freaking & WORRYing about everything I have going on. I love you too & you are an awesome friend. I can't wait to "meet" that precious LO you have growing big & strong inside you. I know that you will be an awesome momma!

And while I'm at it...to all the other Buds, followers, friends that have been thinking of us during our IVF cycle & have commented on my posts, leaving us well wishes & hope & prayers & love...I also want to say, again, to each of you: THANK YOU! It truly warms my heart to know how many other women out there care about my story & are thinking of me. Mr. WB & I want to express how much it means to us, but I honestly don't think I can put how much your support means into words. It has helped me to remain positive, upbeat & hopeful about this cycle! I consider each of you my virtual friends & just want you to know that I think about & pray for each you every day & night as well!

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Okay, sorry for the long prelude to this post, but I felt like I needed to express how much everyone's support has meant & continues to mean to me everyday! So, IDK how many of you live on the east coast, but we are expecting a huge winter storm today - many meteorologists are predicting that this could be one of the worst we have had in nearly 10 years! I mean the one in December dropped almost 2 feet of snow & this is supposed to be worse...eeek! Both that December storm & this one are predicted to be in the top 10 worse winter storms for this area! This photo shows the snow on my back deck form December - it was a lot!

Anyways, I say all this to describe my RE office visit this morning. I went in for my first follie monitoring appointment this morning & it was PACKED at my RE's office. I found out that they moved all of their Saturday monitoring appointments to this morning to avoid the craziness that is sure to take over my area in just a few short hours. Despite the office being a bit more packed than usual, I still got in & out in about 30 min. I got my blood drawn (only 1 vial again!), then emptied my bladder & walked back to the ultrasound waiting area. Once I was called in, my RE checked out my lining & ovaries with the "vag cam". He said my lining was getting thicker, just like it should & then he checked out both ovaries after 3 days of stimming with Gonal-F & Menopur. On my left ovary, he said he observed "12 less than 10mm" & on the right I have "10 less than 10mm". He said I appear to be right on track & that after they get my blood results back, then my nurse will give me call with directions on either adjusting or keeping my meds dosages the same. I asked if it started getting bad outside would they possibly not call with directions & they said they'd make every single call before leaving for the night! I love my RE's office staff - everyone is so nice from the financial coordinator - to the girl who draws blood - to all the nurses - and especially my RE. He's a great man & I have have such respect for him & confidence in him that he is doing anything he can to help us get pregnant. It definitely helps me stay positive when I feel so confident in the staff working with us!

While waiting to be called in for my u/s, I got a chance to chat with several other women cycling right now, one was doing an IUI, a couple doing frozen cycles, and one other doing fresh. It always makes me feel better to talk with someone else in a similar situation, or who has gone through the same thing I am going through now. We talked about how everything was going so far. I asked them if any of them were using Menopur & a couple had - we talked about how much that shot stings! It's hard to describe, but the best thing I can think of is that it feels kind of like fire being shot inside of you. Nothing I can't handle, but it definitely doesn't feel that great! So far, that has been the most difficult shot for me. Despite that, I am still remaining positive & hopeful and feeling pretty good so far! I do feel a bit uncomfortable in my ovaries b/c they are getting bigger with all the follies, but that was something I expected to feel, so again, nothing I can't handle! So, that's my update - sorry for such a LONG post, but I had so much to say! Thanks as always for continuing to pray for & think of us...I think about all of you everyday too!

And if you are in the storm area, stay safe this weekend! It just started coming down here!

Is It Just Me...

Or when you're trying to get pregnant, does it seem like everyone around you is suddenly getting knocked up?

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Like everyone else can, but not you?

Ugh.

One of my clients told me today that she's pregnant and she may quit her job next fall so she can stay home with the baby. She's 14 weeks along.

And one of our couple friends from college just told everyone that they're expecting Baby Number 1 -- and the wife has already quit her job to stay home. She posts on Facebook all day about how she wishes she looked *more* pregnant. Seriously? Who wishes they could look *more* pregnant?

And there are numerous other friends and acquaintances who either are expecting or have just given birth.

Would it be crazy to de-friend all of the pregnant people I know on Facebook?

I'm a bitter, impatient woman.

--End of Rant-- :)

A 2WW for Christmas

I have one day and one and a half hours of work left before I'm released for Christmas Vacation. So little of me wants to work right now that it's probably illegal. I just have no motivation to do any of my work. All I can think about is what I'm looking forward to eating for Christmas, wondering what I might get for Christmas from my parents (who always go above and beyond for no particular reason) and thinking about the idea of being pregnant.

Working for a baby supply company doesn't reduce my baby fever at all. Most people I know are deceived that if I'm around baby stuff and babies all day long (because working moms can bring their babies to work with them) that it is going to suppress that feeling of wanting to be a mom. What a joke! It's like telling someone who loves Oreos to stand in front of a freakin conveyor belt of Oreos and not touch one. What a tease!!!

To be completely honest, not many people know that we are TTC because frankly they would throw a fit. This is why I feel it's important for a short while for Mr. Travel Bud and I to keep our anonymous status in order to protect ourselves from outlashes. For serious. I did decide though that I needed to share my thoughts and feelings with people somehow since my mother looks like she's going to faint if I mention the idea of her being a grandma in her early 40s and any of my friends think I'm too young or wasting my life by wanting to have children so early. It's difficult to feel alone and not have any support, besides Mr. Travel Bud. I know that someday when I tell my mom I'm pregnant she'll eventually be happy, but I think she has irrational fears of me being just like her throughout my adult life. My mother had me when she was around 20 years old and she begged me to wait to get married until I graduated college, that didn't happen, and then she begged me to wait until I was about 27 or 28 to start having kids, and that probably won't happen. I think she just wants me to have a more easy and fulfilling life, which I appreciate her concern, but it's heartbreaking to know that if I had to tell my mom about being KU she'd have an adverse reaction initially. I want that moment to be a happy moment, not something I'm afraid of doing. This is why TTC for us is so hush hush. There's no need to give my mother any indication that we're TTC because there's no need to give her a premature heart attack.

My best friend is getting married soon and the last thing on her mind is having kids. She actually loathes the idea of having a baby someday, so talking to her is not the way to look for understanding or support. Plus, she'd probably have a little bit of an issue with me being 7 months pregnant at her wedding. Yikes. Most of my friends are not at the age where they're thinking about kids so it's hard to have people around as support. Most of my friends that are moms are a good 5-10 years older than I am. For me, I know I'm young, but if the doctor recommends that I try earlier on, I'm doing that to avoid as much heartbreak as possible with the looming thought of IF issues. With endometriosis running in my family there's no need for me to be naiive and put it off, when I could be proactive now and do everything I can to conceive in the easiest manner possible. If it comes down to it in the future, of course I'd go to any length to have a baby, but if I can avoid the heartache by taking preventative or proactive measures now, I will.

As for now in this cycle, I'm in the 2WW and should be able to test around the 3rd or 4th of January. I'm not feeling very hopeful this cycle as much BDing didn't go down between Mr. Travel Bud and I due to sickness a few nights, and an argument another night. It'd be nice to have that NY BFP, but I think I'm out this cycle. Until then, I'm just ready to enjoy Christmas with my family and friends.

Until next time,
Travel Bud

FINALLY...some good news!!

When I last left off, I was in talks with a potential insurance carrier that my job offers to see if they would cover our IVF prior to the 2-year of infertility stipulation. I was in good spirits because it looked as though we may be able to get coverage.

But, Wednesday was a bad day for the Worry Bud Family - the day just kept getting worse & worse. First, the answer from the insurance about waiving the 2-year IF stipulation prior to them covering 50% of IVF was NO. :o( Unfortunately, they cannot waive that & the guy who had been helping me said he did some research for me on the other potential carriers available to us in our area & none of them would be able to cover the IVF at this point either.

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As a result, we have decided to stick with our current insurance carrier - we are on separate insurance, but have the exact same insurance since we both selected the same carrier & work for the same employer (our insurance does not offer the "self + 1" option, only "self + family", so it's cheaper to stay on separate insurance until we have children). Our current insurance covers 85% of IF diagnosis & treatment, but 0% of assisted reproductive technologies (ART), so since we are still in the diagnosis/treatment phase, we are sticking with them. Although, if (God forbid) we are not pregnant by the end of next year, then we will most likely consider switching to the previously discussed provider, since we will be closer to the 2 year IF waiting period by that time. And with our employer, there are no pre-existing condition exclusions allowed for any of the insurance carriers.

Second thing that happened on Wednesday - we found out that Mr. WB's best friend & his wife are expecting. I am pretty good friends with his wife & they were not trying to get pregnant (although I have a suspicion, based on the discussion we had, that she may have been trying to get pg w/o him knowing - she's always trying to school me on the best time to have sex in order to achieve pg...little does she know, I know all that & then SOME about the subject!), but she was late & I told her to test, so she POAS & of course - BFP. Ugh. I hate feeling like this - they are both very excited/happy, so I'm happy for them, but it just sucks that we are dealing with this. I wish we could just be a "normal" couple, who could have sex & get pregnant. It's just that this whole ordeal has lessened the excitement of the "trying" part of TTC. Now it's more like GATC - getting assistance to conceive. I try to put on a happy face when others announce their pregnancy & I know it's not a race to get pg, but I just feel like we are beginning to get left behind because all of our friends are starting their families pretty easily (some even working on #2) & we are struggling to even get pregnant with our 1st. Sigh.

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And last but not least, my lovely AF decided to make an appearance on Wednesday evening. It started out light late on Wednesday, but my RE doesn't consider it CD 1 unless the flow starts before 5:30pm that day, so I marked it as spotting on Wednesday & AF/CD1 for Thursday. She brought along with her, a lovely set of cramps - thanks for that. So that means my LP is down again from 9 days to 8 days, but still better than previous cycles' 2-3 days.

But, finally, a bit of a silver lining in what has been a pretty horrible week for me - Flexible Spending Accounts (FSAs)! Hallelujah & praise God for them. Our employer offers an FSA that you can max out at $5K each year. The money is taken each pay period - PRE TAX, so it potentially puts you in a lower tax bracket & saves you money in the long run. The FSA is pre-funded for both of us, so it starts out with however much you elect to withhold. I had a lot of questions for the FSA program & got all of them answered, so here's our new plan to pay for IVF:

1. Both sign up for & max out both FSAs (spousal care is included, so I can use mine on him & he can use his on me if our individual FSA gets exhausted).
   
2. We will save as much as we can - approximately $1-$2K per month & finish up our testing/treatment prior to IVF. I am suspecting that Mr. WB will be seeing a urologist & perhaps getting some treatment to help improve his counts. And I will ask about getting on progesterone supplements for my LPD, so that we can continue to try on our own while we are doing the rest of the diagnostic testing & follow up with other specialists.
3. When/if we are recommended to go on to IVF, then we will put down as much as cash as possible, then finance the remaining portion thru Fertility Finance, which our RE is a participating provider with.
4. They will pay the balance on our account on our behalf prior to beginning actual IVF treatment.
5. Then we will get the statement showing the account is paid up from our RE & submit the claim form to our FSA.
6. The FSA will reimburse us $10K immediately & we will use that money to give to the finance company & then reimburse ourselves if any money is left over.

Oh & our current insurance company does cover some of the medications we will need for IVF - whew. So, I am hoping this all works out & we get a little one in my belly in 2010! We are currently still waiting on Mr. WB's medical records fromt he Dr. who performed his testicular torsion surgery & the results of the repeat S/A. Please continue to send all the T&P you have our way that this works out for us!!!

PS - I want to send special T&Ps out to Dandelion Bud - I am praying that your follies continue to grow as they should & you get your long awaited sticky little DB (or 2)!! And to Sugar Bud - I am so sorry for everything you are going thru & wish the best for you & Mr. SB...please let me know if there is anything you need.

Bad Blogger

I must admit I have been a bad blogger. My life has been chaotic with all sort of things to fill my days.
DH got laid off finally. It sucks, but honestly, I am glad that the waiting game is over so we can't keep getting our hopes up for more time. Now we can just move on.

I also hosted a Twilight:New Moon premiere event with some friends, and while you can criticize me all you want about the fact that I am almost 29 and head-over-heels for a fictional vampire, I seriously had a ton of fun. Aside from the movie itself, it was just great to get together with people. I don't get to do it much, so I had a blast.

My quarter-life crisis is definitely in full-swing. Suddenly I feel as though I am truly looking at my life for the first time.....or maybe just more closely than I ever have before. Thinking about what I truly want, and why. Thinking about why I have become such a cynic. Realizing that the reason I haven't followed many of my dreams is because I was afraid of what people would think. Scared to NOT follow them anymore. I am putting myself out there. I have made it my goal to do at least one thing every day that scares me. Simple or small, no matter. Yesterday the thing that scared me was to go to the gym and do 10 miles on the bike. I didn't think I could. And I did. So today I am going to do 12. Because now I know that I can.

I also made an appointment for a consult on the tattoo that I want. I have a tattoo that I got on my 18th birthday from a place that gave 50% off tattoos on your 18th birthday....so needless to say, I am now ready for a cover-up! I have spent a LONG time deciding what I want to do and I finally came up with a design that is super meaningful and beautiful, and I hope to get myself inked really soon!

Lastly, I booked a trip to NYC in March. A good friend lives out there, and I have been wanting to see her for years, but schedule and money and all sorts of other excuses prevented me from going. Not this year. I am going. I realize there is a possibility that I could be KU at that point in time, but I am going regardless. I don't want another opportunity to pass me by. I also was invited to the Sundance Film Festival in January, and that one might be a little bit more of a stretch for me, but I am going to weigh it out and see if it is feasible.

In any case, the point of this long drawn-out post is to say that 1) I am still here and 2) If you get one message from this post at all, let it be this. Never ever ever give up on your dreams! We never know how much time we have....all of our days are numbered. So how will you live them??? In the words of Thoreau: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined."

Pep talk concluded. Have a wonderful day!

Just hanging out & hanging in there...

Today I'm on CD 9....still taking the B6, drinking green tea & just hanging out...waiting to O. I would really love it if my LP would correct itself, but I'm so impatient that I do NOT wanna wait for that. If you remember in my last post I was trying to figure out whether I should try to go to another GYN & get a 2nd opinion on waiting it out 3 more months before going in about my short LP, or if I should just wait it out & hope hope hope my GYN was right. Well the day after I posted that & after much thought, I decided to go ahead and call my PCP to go in for my annual physical & try to see if they would give me a few blood tests I wanted. Well when I called to make the appt. the receptionist asked if I needed a pap smear & I said no, but I was surprised b/c I either: a) never knew my PCP also provided GYN services, or b) I forgot. So I told the receptionist that I'd like to speak with the Dr. about reproductive concerns though & she said that I could absolutely talk to my Dr. about that at the appt. My appt. is October 9th & I can't wait! When I go in I am going to ask that my progesterone, iron & thyroid levels be checked. I am hoping that whatever the problem is, it is something that can easily be fixed & that I get a BFP soon. Please pray for me that my Dr. is proactive & doesn't want to make me wait the next 3 months out like my GYN does...I would love to get a BFP before the end of this year, perhaps around the holidays - what a Christmas gift that would be!

In other news, my fellow 1WW (1 week wait) sistah on the internet message board I frequent - we joke about our 1WW b/c we have both had short LP issues since being off BCPs... hers have not been quite as bad as mine, but short nonetheless - just got a very faint line this morning, but I saw it in the pic she posted...it was faint, but there & you know what they say: "A line is a line"! We are all 99.99% sure (waiting on a blood test to confirm) she got her BFP this morning after several months of short LPs & recently being put on Prometrium to supplement her progesterone levels. I was SOOOO 'effing happy to see that from her b/c it seriously gives me hope! Congrats woman, you know who you are! OH how I hope it's that simple a fix for me too & I get whatever drug I need to fix my LP & we get KU soon!

Also, I went to watch the season premiere of Desperate Housewives last night with my 19 weeks pg BFF (they all seem to be new mommies or KU except me of course....or maybe it's just how I feel right now)...she finds out what the sex is this Friday! I am so happy for her & she has had such a rough time with being sick thru out the pregnancy that this is actually the first time I have seen her since early June (before she even knew she was pg). And of course, she is starting to get a little bump, which is so freakin' adorable! This is not her, but a good example of about how big her bump is:

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I am so happy for her, especially since she had some early spotting & was worried about m/c, but I am a little sad for myself since she & I had always said that we wanted to get pregnant together. It's not completely out of the question, but we would be pretty far apart even if I got KU in the next few months...and I guess God had other plans in mind for me, so I am just praying that he blesses Mr. Worry Bud & I with a baby soon. In the mean time, I will keeping hoping & praying with everything I have in me that God sees fit to bless us with a little one soon! Stay tuned...hopefully the next few weeks will bring good news!

You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

I'm having a little bit of a hard time today. I feel like that Tracy Lawrence song, Find Out Who Your Friends Are has been the theme song in my head for about the last 3 weeks. For the first time I've really realized that our life has changed and will continue to change for a long time.

Before I get ahead of myself you are probably thinking "Um... DUH! You're having a baby!!"

Well, so far I've prepared myself for making room for baby. I've never been a "health nut", but I'm starting to love finding new things that are healthy. To be honest, I used to drink... a lot, probably more than is healthy. I've quit, it was easy and I really feel fabulous about it. I've always worked out pretty regularly and while I've not been to the gym since my BFP due to the immense lack of energy, I plan on getting back on the treadmill when my energy comes back (please come back soon!). This list goes on...

What I wasn't prepared for is for our friends to start treating us differently.

Maybe it's in my head, or maybe it's the hormones that's making me think things that aren't really happening but either way, it makes me sad.

So, in my first post I talked about the girl, lets call her J, with the 18 month old. J's situation really kicked my baby bug feelings into gear and for the last year she's been my best friend. We literally talked or hung out every day but since my BFP, now 5 weeks ago tomorrow, I've seen her twice.

Granted she's working more, school is starting soon for her, and her boyfriend is back from working out of town but still... where did my bff go??? Is it really because we can't go to our favorite restaurant and grab the best drinks EVER anymore? Are you just really busy like you say you have been? Or is it because you seem to have adopted our other friends girlfriend as your new drinking buddy and bff? Yes... I'm admittedly jealous that I've missed multiple invites to go out with these two because they say they didn't want me to be uncomfortable. Ok people I'm pregnant... this doesn't mean I've turned into a hermit!

This isn't the only friend we've experienced this from but for the sake of me rambling on, it's the one that's effecting me most.

The thoughts of what I'm going to miss out on over the next 7 months are trying to take over the thoughts of what I'm going to gain in the next 7 months. These are thoughts I need to squash! Because really in the end I'll have gained something much more special... on to the next theme song!