Mind Games

Sometimes its a challenge to stay optimistic about this pregnancy. Its gotten easier since passing the 5 week 1 day milestone last weekend, but its still challenging at times. Today has been one of those times.

I have had almost no symptoms at all today. I'm trying to convince myself its normal, I'm only 5 weeks 5 days afterall. I've heard that this early its pretty common for symptoms to come and go. Still doesn't stop my mind from going THERE. I think its pretty common for newly pregnant women to worry when the symptoms aren't there. Its taken to a whole new level though when you've had complete lack of symptoms be a pretty notable indicator of a previous loss. Its almost like a flashback that plays in my mind on days like today.

I had a good wave of queasiness come over me just before dinner, so I'm doing a lot better now. Thankfully.

Today aside, I've overall been doing better than before meeting our milestone. I've actually caught myself looking forward to things months down the road. Things like figuring out how we're going to tell our families (just my BFF knows so far). Every day that passes, I'm getting a little more optimistic. I'm trying my best to enjoy every day that I'm pregnant. I know how lucky I am that this little bugger seems to be sticking, and I'm thankful for that each and every day.

Still no word from our insurance. I called the doctors office to check if they'd heard anything on Weds and they hadn't heard yet. I'd just like to hear the verdict so I can move forward one way or another. I'd really like to get the first ultrasound scheduled. In theory the heartbeat is supposed to be starting in the little embreyo anytime now. I'd just like some confirmation that it is, in fact, beating. I'm worried that if I don't get something scheduled soon, particularly at the military hospital if I have to go there (its HUGE), that I might have trouble getting in.

Symptom Update:
Aside from todays non-symptoms, I've pretty much had bloat. The Girls have gotten a little more under control...which is odd...didn't really think they'd go back down. I've had bits of what I guess is supposed to be morning sickness. Thing is that I seem to get it in the evenings or middle of the night. I've been noticing the growth pains a little more frequently this week. I'm thinking its because I'm now beyond where my uterus has every grown before for gestation. Oh and a random observation from early this week is that I think I felt my corpus luteum doing its job. It was this dull ache right about where my left ovary would be.

My sleeping has been a DISASTER lately. Tossing and turning All.Night.Long. Overnight is when I seem to have most of the growing pains (do those have a name?), which keeps me awake. Its when the 'morning sickness' is at its worst (still nothing more than mild nausea). Its also when my mind races about things I'm worried about (finances, my job situation, the insurance stuff, us being 3000 miles away from our support system). Then when I do fall asleep I have screwy dreams. The one that woke me up from a dead sleep the other night was a dream that my husband abandoned me and the baby. I know he would never do that, I think its just my mind going into overdrive worrying about EVERYTHING.

IVF #2: 2 Week Wait Update

Who wants good news?

It's too early for a pregnancy test - so relax you crazies....

I'm 4dp3dt (7dpo) and I did have ONE blood test today. My progesterone level. The embryologist (Dr. S) who "made" my embryos was doing the blood draws today, so I took the opportunity to discuss their fabulosity (or at least 2 out of 3 of them).

She was VERY happy with our embryos. She even took it another step to explain the "compacting" 8 cell to me, and confirm that it did mean that my little embryo was indeed at least 1/2 day ahead in growth and that it was a good sign for continued growth upon transfer.

But for now, let's rewind for a minute to the abysmal cycle #1, shall we?

This time 3 months ago, I was miserable. My progesterone level was 26 and change, and that wasn't high enough for Dr Z, even though I had heard that for a medicated cycle, 25 was acceptable. So, I was started on vag chalk: Endometrin suppositories 3 times a day, in addition to my daily PIO (Progesterone in Oil) injection.

I wasn't pregnant - so it didn't matter.

Today, I got home from my blood draw with a question.

So I went to my infertility gurus (the girls who have gone before me) and asked the question:

How significant is the P4 right now? Last cycle it was 26.something at this time, and I wound up on endometrin 3x day in addition to the PIO. But I also wasn't pregnant.
If my P4 isn't up to par, does it mean i'm not pregnant? Or can you have a lowish P4 at this point and still wind up pregnant?

I got a really good answer from one of the girls, and I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her here, because I am sure that some of the girls who follow me might have the same questions.

"My RE likes to see P4 above 40 for an IVF cycle. He likes it higher that IUI cycles since the entire IVF process is so unnatural (I hate that word but don't know what else to use). His practice believes that since eggs are not rupturing out of follicles on their own, the chance of your corpus luteum (sp?) producing enough progesterone to signal your body to prepare for pregnancy is slim.

Thus P4 being monitored and supplements being increased if you are not where they like to see you. With that said, my RE told me (b/c he knows I worry about every.little.thing) that he has seem many, many IVF cycles with less than stellar progesterone go on to produce perfectly healthy pregnancies." - LCB34
quote credit

Well, that said, Dr Z wanted to see me above 30 last cycle, which explains the supplements he then put me on.

I guess the good news I'm alluding to is that right now, there's no vag chalk for me. My progesterone is 44.3!!

That's right - i said 44.3!!

So, the plan for now is just do what i've been doing, and return to the office one week from today for my beta.

As far as symptoms... there are some things i'm desperately trying to not over analyze. Things outside of the 2ww norm for me. One friend tells me that "new" or "different" is good. I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed.

If I get good news again next week, then i'll tell all - but for right now, and the slim possibility I have of NOT sounding crazy, i'm going to keep the symptoms to myself.

All I can do now is continue hoping that the good news keeps coming. I'm VERY hopeful and positive right now. I'm just so scared that I shouldn't feel that way - because last time is still VERY raw in my head. Does that make any sense?