Hormones Rising

I did finally get my blood work done and my estridol and Fee Testosterone levels were still low so I had them put in one more pellet of each to hopefully maintain the higher levels. I do feel better emotionally the past few days which has been nice. I am back to being motivated and alert, so I am hoping that it isn't just the upswing of my emotion cycle!!! Another nice thing is the Dr. put the incision higher up on my butt so when I am bending or sitting or climbing into the 4-runner it doesn't stretch it like the last time.

Hormone Update

So I don't know if it is the extra hormones but I am super emotional lately. I feel like crying most days and when I do man the water works are hard to stop. I am struggling to hold it together most days and am feeling super overwhelmed and jealous of all those people that have babies. I am sure it is just a phase but it is an annoying phase to say the least, I hate crying about a lot of nothing!!
I am supposed to go get my hormone levels checked but of course I have now lost the blood work order so I will have to locate the dang thing before getting my blood drawn! So we will see how high my levels are and if they still aren't high enough get more pellets put in.

Hormone Replacement Therapy

So with the New Year, we have a new plan. We are going to Hormone Therapy for the next 4-6 months, I am going to lose the extra weight, get in shape and try another IVF cycle at the end of our hormone treatment cycle. This is something I can do to try and improve our chances and something I have control over so pretty much it will keep me sane, for awhile! :)

I met with the RE today and talked about what Hormone Replacement Therapy ("HRT") could do for my "issues". The RE said that HRT has shown to improve egg quality, help increase insulin sensitivity and balance my hormones to treat my PCOS symptoms, increase my sensitivity to the fertility drugs in future IVF cycles and help me feel better overall. I did appreciate this statement from the RE "You deserve to feel good after all the stuff you have been through". Amen to that!! With treating the PCOS and Hypothyroid symptoms I should be losing this lovely extra 15-20 pounds I am carrying around, have more energy, clearer mind, sleeping better, better sex drive, stronger nails, less dry skin and better muscle tone (I used to have amazing muscle definition before all these problems started).
I had my blood drawn to test my thyroid levels, total and free testosterone, FSH, progesterone, estradiol, and prolactin. My veins are a nurses nightmare because they are by feel only and like to disappear and it seems my left arm is really the only one nurses can find. I had to drink 32 oz of water, eat some crackers and be stuck four times to get enough blood to run the tests. PURE JOY :)
We will wait and see what all my levels are looking like so the RE will know the dosage to give me of hormones. The procedure sounds pretty simple, the RE will make a small incision above my hip and place a pellet of natural testosterone and estrogen mixture that will sit and be absorbed over the next 4-6 months. Every day 14-28 of my cycle I will need to take natural progesterone to make sure my lining is shedding properly. The effects are supposed to be noticeable from 1-4 days of putting in the pellet. If they are not then they may need to add another pellet due to my hormone levels being depleted for so long that they need an extra boost.

After 4 months the RE will test my Testosterone levels to see if they are down to a normal level and if they are we can do another IVF cycle then or we will need to wait till about month 6 when the hormones have completely left my system.

I am going to also start talking with acupuncturists in my area that specialize in infertility to see what they recommend for someone with my problems doing IVF and what they charge.

I am getting tired of the emotional roller coaster and am ready to do all that is available out there. I am not sure how much more I can handle of failures, it is just so depressing and long and stressful and tiring and emotional and, and, and...

3rd Tri Freak Out

(Image credit:http://www.parentdish.com/tag/crying%20babies/)

I think I've officially had my first dose of what I've heard referenced as the 3rd Tri Freak Out. OK, not going to lie, I've had several doses of it in the last few days...but the best one of all was on Sunday. I cried into my french toast as we were eating breakfast. Seriously. Sitting there, shoveling food into my mouth, tears streaming down my face. Classic. I'm sure my husband was having a WTF moment of his own sitting there watching that.

I think it was the combination of several things creating the perfect storm. For starters, my crossing the line to 3rd Tri matched up pretty much exactly with the EDD from my first pregnancy...so I was emotional anyways. Then there is the fact that our Baby Shower is this weekend (5 days from now. EEK!) and our registries are virtually untouched. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for any and everything people are willing to get for us...but we are first time parents, are living on one income, and still have A LOT of the most basic stuff to get. The realization that in just a few months this little one will be joining the outside world and I'll be the one getting him there and feeding him (going to try breastfeeding) hit me like a ton of bricks. As did the fact that we still don't have a name for this kid. The icing on the cake was getting word from my parents that they aren't planning on flying out until about 10 days after baby is due since that works best with their schedules. Now, I live clear across the country from them and I knew the chance of them dropping everything and coming here for the birth (or immediately after) was slim...but its been a reality check having it be certain. Been even harder emotionally since I know that they will be there on a moments notice for the births of my brothers children (brothers live near them). **

The good news is that the freak out spurred action.

Soon after I finished my french toast, my husband and I sat down and had a long talk. We made a list of priority things to get after the shower, really exciting things like the pack and play (with bassinet) that we hope for the baby to sleep in at first, the breast pump to help me with possible engorgement and such, a place to change the baby (we have the furniture, but not the pad or much else). We discussed what classes we wanted to take together (CPR, childbirth and a labor and delivery tour) and what ones I'll take solo (breastfeeding and one on having a Navy Baby). I've been able to schedule all but the CPR class already...looks like August is going to be a busy one for classes!

I'm still struggling with regards to the parents thing since, in an ideal world I'd have wanted my mom in the delivery room, but I am thrilled that they are coming over to visit. This may be the only trip they make over here the entire time we're stationed here and I know that to them its a huge deal to be doing it as they don't travel much. My MIL has offered to fly out on a moments notice to help us with the immediate post birth stuff, something she's done for all of my husbands siblings (he's the last to have kids). For awhile I was debating this...didn't want my mom to feel bad and such. The thing is though, is that my MIL let my mom have first choice of when to come out here, and my mom made her choice. Right now I'm leaning towards doing what is right for our family and saying that as long as the birth isn't within a few days of when my parents are due to fly out, that her coming here sounds great. If the dates end up too close together, she can come after they leave (we don't have room here for more that one set of visitors at a time). I know we will really be able to use the help then and I think, personality and experience-wise (she had 4 kids of her own) that she'd be a good person to have around.

Oh and with regard to the name issue...we've narrowed it down to two possible first names and a certain middle name. You'll have to stay tuned to see what it is though...I won't be revealing that until the baby is born.

**I just want to clarify that my parents lack of being here for the birth isn't because they don't want to be. Its a mix of the distance, their schedules, a lack of vacation time and finances. The not being here is hard on them as well.

Its Here

(Image credit:http://tinyurl.com/6kc4lkm)

The due date from my first pregnancy has finally arrived. It seemed ages away when I miscarried last November. 35 weeks later, here we are.

I've had such a crazy mix of emotions this week. On the one hand, I'm grieving over what could've have been had the first pregnancy worked out. On the other, I'm so thankful for the little guy I've got growing inside now. Its a strange feeling knowing that he'd not have been possible had the pregnancy with his sibling worked out. In my situation, the first pregnancy would've only been at the 13 week mark when this pregnancy began. What's hard to explain is that I want the impossible. I want BOTH babies.

To make this week even more emotional, we're also at the crossover to 3rd Trimester (27 weeks tomorrow). I'm finding that a part of me wants to mourn what today should've been, and another part wants to celebrate the milestone for the little one on the way.

As sort of an aside, I'd like to suggest to all those that know someone who has had a miscarriage that you ask them when the due date would've been and acknowledge it when the time comes around. Not a single person I know in real life has acknowledged what today is, not even my husband. Not surprising for nobody to think of, but it kind of stings. It seems like a lot of people don't realize that even if a pregnancy loss happens really early on, there's a good chance that the mother-to-be has already calculated roughly when the due date would be. Its a date that sticks in your mind, no matter how much life has changed since the miscarriage happened.

A start of a new cycle

Quick update on me: Last cycle was a bust and I am not pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow with my OB to figure out the next step in the TTC process for me. I am nervous about what he might suggest but ready to move forward and finally get pregnant. I will be sure to post any updates.

Also need to apologize for my sparse updates lately. I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind off the setbacks of TTC. I mean to post, but when I sit down to actually write something the sadness becomes overwhelming. Basically I was trying to avoid my emotions. And I didn't want to depress people with my Debbie Downer attitude. It truly is not my personality!. But bottling up emotions is not best and I hate to admit that lately I have taken out some of my TTC frustration on Mr. PB&J. Poor guy. We had a heart to heart talk this weekend and I feel better about where we've been, where we are and where we're going. I have learned that I need to talk about my feelings so I will be posting more regularly. Today I woke up and felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. It's amazing what communication can do!!

I hate to post and run, but I am going to post and run. I have a busy day but like I promised earlier, I will post tomorrow with updates from my doctors appointment. Hope everyone is having a GREAT day :)

Vacation Report and 4 Week Update

We made it safely back from vacation at Disney World yesterday, and had a great time during the week we were gone! We head down with friends every year or two for the marathon weekend, and this year was no different. I usually run the half and the full (Goofy Challenge), but my midwife only cleared me for the half this year. It was a struggle to get Mr. Magnolia Bud on board with me even running that, but he finally came around. I had a great time, even though it was my slowest half ever. At least being pregnant, I was able to set a PPR--pregnant personal record, haha! I felt really lucky to run a lot of it with my best friend who lives in another state. She knows about our miscarriage, and was SO excited to find out that I'm pregnant again.

After the race on Saturday, we spent Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday at the parks. Mr. Magnolia Bud is such a kid at heart--he had a great time. He also insisted on buying a couple of onesies. One from the race expo that has the race logo, a picture of Mickey, and says "In Training: 2030," and the other is orange with a picture of Tigger's face that says "Grrrr" underneath. I've given up trying to stop him--we won't be back there before Baby MB is at least a year old. However, they're going in the back of the future nursery's closet until we actually bring this baby home.

Here's my 4w4d pregnancy update. I'm not sleeping well, but am able to get 5-6 hours a night. My boobs are sensitive and noticeably bigger. I'm bloated. I'm tired. I'm having WAY more cramping this time than last time. Every day, and it feels like menstrual cramps. Mainly light, but some are more moderate strength. Nothing that I've needed to medicate, until last night. Last night was a doozie of a night. I woke up about 3am with pretty serious cramps that went away after I used the bathroom. But then I got nauseous and hot, and spent a solid 10 minutes dry heaving. Then spent another 30 lying on the bathroom floor still sweating. My poor cat Tiger probably thought I was dying, so he came over and was licking me and sitting with me--what a good caregiver :)

Last time I was pregnant, the exact same thing happened to me at 5w5d--the same day the baby stopped developing (though we didn't find out about it for another 2.5 weeks)--so needless to say, I'm on edge. But the other part of me is telling myself that the cramps are my uterus getting ready to grow even bigger with this baby, and that getting sick at night this early is a good sign that things are progressing normally, since my Mayo Clinic book says morning sickness generally strikes between 4-6 weeks. My first appointment is tomorrow, though we're not having an ultrasound--only confirming the pregnancy and scheduling the first ultrasound for sometime after 6 weeks to confirm a heartbeat.

Time to get to work! My new position is kicking my butt, but in a good way. Golden Bud, I'm thinking of you as you and Mr. GB talk through your options.

Lots of love and baby dust to each of you!
-Magnolia Bud

Sick and Sicker - a 9w Update

Being pregnant is wonderful. The idea of a teeny little person growing inside me, the congratulations from all the nice church people, the way Mr. CB rubs my still non-existent baby bump all affectionately while we lay on the couch.

So yes. It is good.

But there is one thing that I would give anything to be able to do again.

Really, the ability to take any medicine without feeling like I am the worst mother on the face of the planet would be super. I have the cold to end all colds and seriously, it's not ok.

In other news:

Morning sickness is slowly abating. I've added soup and canned ravioli back onto the list of foods that don't make me want to be violently ill.

Emotional turmoil is NOT slowly abating. Mr. CB has the same cold I do, poor guy, and the sound of him sniffling makes me want to murder a puppy. It's not rational, but the sheer anger that swells in me at that noise is a bit intimidating.

We have an appointment to hear Baby CB's heartbeat on the 31st. I'm excited about this. Because it's too early to feel any movement yet, All I have is an ultrasound picture and the upcoming heartbeat jam session to convince me that there is, in fact, a baby growing inside me.

I am slowly getting out of the habit of freezing every time I have pain in the uterine area and panicking over the idea of a miscarriage. I've had a fair share of ligament pain when I cough and sneeze and laugh and live in general, and I'm finally allowing myself to accept that it is a normal part of pregnancy and that the baby is probably ok.

Crazy as always,

Morning Sickness and Crying into my Cheerios

I have a theory.

I think morning sickness waits, and lulls you into a false sense of "Oh, I'm not going to be sick during my pregnancy! Huzzah!"

And then it hits you and you find yourself calling your husband at work and telling him that you're pretty sure the baby is starving to death because you can't eat anything and you're going to be the worst mother in history.

On the bright side, I just started the "morning sickness diet" given to me by my doctor, and so far, so good. It mostly involves eating saltines before you get out of bed and then immediately going to the kitchen and eating a bowl of oatmeal before your stomach realizes what's going on and rebels. It's working out pretty well.

Oh, quick story for you: Yesterday, I couldn't even enter the kitchen to get something to eat, because every time I would try, my stomach would veto the entire decision as soon as I walked past the sink. So I had to wake up my husband (who works evenings) and ask him to get me a bowl of cheerios. He did, and as soon as he handed it to me, I burst into tears. Big, sobby, hiccupy tears, for literally no reason. Poor Mr. CB just rubbed my back and looked befuddled.

In clinical news, I had my first consult last Friday. Nothing crazy to report. They mostly just drew blood and made sure I knew not to smoke crack or do Jager Bombs on New Years. They did, however, let me know that, because my LMP and my O date are so far apart, I get an ultrasound at my first real appointment so they can figure out how old the baby really is. It's not strictly "necessary", but any opportunity to see Baby CB should be taken advantage of, I think.

Despite all the craziness, I am so far beyond thrilled at this point. My pants have all stopped fitting, which tells me that Baby CB is growing just like he/she should, and all the pregnancy symptoms, as unpleasant as they may be, serve to remind me that I really am growing a little person. MY little person. It's mind boggling, but so wonderful.

One Month Out...

It's been one month today since my miscarriage. And I'm still feeling pretty blue. The week leading up to the miscarriage was really, really hard, but it seemed to get easier from there. About a week ago, I got really emotional again all of a sudden, and have stayed that way since. I'm crying at the drop of a hat again, I feel very detached from what's going on (at home and at work), and I've lost my appetite again.

We've told a few people now about our loss, and while they say all the right things when we tell them, nobody has asked since how I'm doing. Granted, they probably wouldn't like my answer a whole lot right now, but it would still be nice to be asked...

Mr. Magnolia Bud and I have decided to give it another week, and if I'm still feeling like this once we're back from our Thanksgiving travels, I'm going to call a therapist. Thanks to the profession I'm in, I feel lucky to have a referral line open to me 24/7, and am able to see a therapist for free when I need one. Honestly, until now I haven't felt so vulnerable, so alone, or so helpless in my entire life.

I'll leave you with two good things that have happened, despite the emotional roller-coaster. I've been traveling a lot for work. Two weeks ago, I was in Atlanta and was able to spend a long evening with one of my best friends. It was the first time I had met her son, who was such a joy to spend time with. He is such a happy baby, and she is so excited for us to be TTC. Last week, I was in D.C., and was able to reconnect with a dear friend. We've known each other since we were 14--freshman year of high school--and spent more hours together through high school and the first half of college than I would ever dare try to count. We lost touch after that (my fault), and it was incredibly good to reconnect last weekend. I hope it's the start of rebuilding our friendship.

In other news, I'm still waiting for AF to show, though I had a teeny bit of spotting over the weekend. My temps are still all over the place, and I wonder if AF showing will give me the closure I need to move on.

The End...and New Beginnings

Today I had my final appointment at the midwife's office for this pregnancy. No internal (thankfully), and two tubes of blood (betas...phlebotomist drew into the wrong tube the first time around). I'm not going to be going back for repeat betas after today. The midwife recommended waiting for two periods before we try again, so that puts us at January (give or take) before we can TTC again.

I stopped spotting yesterday, and the midwife told me that with normal use of cytotec, women will have a period about four weeks after using it. Because the bulk of my miscarriage happened naturally, she thinks it may come earlier than that, or around that time frame. Since I'm charting, she said I'd probably have some indication (hopefully ovulation) that AF is on her way. We also talked about fertility supplements and fertility teas, and she recommended starting to drink a fertility tea to help my body recover after the miscarriage.

I expected this appointment to be a relief, knowing that we could move on, but instead it made me sad. Sad because I should be hearing the heartbeat on doppler now; sad because this is the end; and sad because we have to start over...and we can't start over quite yet.

So for the next couple of months, I'm going to work on getting my body and mind back in baby-ready shape. My half marathon/full marathon weekend kicks off two months from today (it's the Disney World Goofy Challenge), and I'm taking part in the 200-situps challenge with several online friends. I'm also going to continue with my yoga practice, and to make some headway on my 101 in 1001 list I'm going to be taking part in a Yogathon in December: 108 sun salutations in an afternoon to raise money for lung cancer research.

That all said, my posts for the next two months will probably involve workouts, charting, stories from my travels, and projects around the house. I won't be enjoying the break from TTC, but I'm going to make it productive.

Next time you hear from me, I'll be in Atlanta! I'm heading down to speak at a conference, but am more than happy to visit--we used to live there, and one of my BFF's lives there (with her 7-month old baby, who is TOO adorable). I'll be there the rest of the week.

Hope you all have a good week.

Lots of love,

Magnolia Bud

Last Ultrasound for a While

I had a repeat ultrasound today to make sure the cytotec had done its job earlier this week. There was still a little fluid in the uterine cavity, but the doc wasn't concerned and told me that at this point, I should expect wonky bleeding--I may spot for another few weeks, or the spotting may taper off. Apparently I should also expect my period in the next 4-5 weeks.

I liked the doctor I saw today--he told me that because they had confirmed I didn't have an ectopic and wasn't having any complications as a result of the miscarriage, I should hold off on having betas drawn and just test at home with an HPT in another few weeks (if that was something I'd be comfortable with). I realized while I was waiting for my appointment today that I have had six doctor's appointments since October 20 (16 days--5 pg/mc related, 1 LEEP/pap related). Plus another appointment scheduled for Monday. Two thumbs up for no more blood draws or ultrasounds for a little while!

Physically, I'm feeling pretty fine. I've picked up my running again, and it's going pretty well. My bloating has disappeared for the most part--now I'm just left with the same extra 5-10 pounds I wanted to lose before getting pregnant the first time. So it's time to lose them! In an ideal world, that number would be closer to 10, but it's tough for me to lose much while marathon training. So I'm really looking for a flatter stomach and my clothes fitting better.

Emotionally, I'm doing better. I haven't cried yet this week, and while I still think about the m/c every day, it's getting easier. After I left my appointment this morning, I got really sad to think that I would have been 10 weeks today, but it was more of an acceptance/sadness than an angry/upset sadness. It was also upsetting to see my diagnosis as "Completed Abortion." I'm now 100% behind anyone who says the terminology associated with miscarriage needs to be changed to something more sensitive/culturally competent.

Mr. Magnolia Bud and I have started talking about two big things. When we want to try again, and what level of care we're comfortable with when we do get pregnant again. If it's o.k. with the midwife, we're going to start trying next cycle (or as soon as they clear us). I also think that we are going to stay with the birth center and midwives for early pregnancy care the next time I get pregnant. We are going to give TTC a few cycles more on our own before pressing for testing, but if I'm not pregnant again by my January cycle, I'm going to be requesting testing and treatment (only if warranted, of course) for luteal phase defect.

I read a great article at inciid.org this week (link here) about luteal phase defect, and while I've suspected I have LPD for several cycles (luteal phases of 8/8/9/8 days, chart link on sidebar), it was interesting to read about the three potential causes of LPD. I know that there's no way to tell what the cause of my miscarriage was, but with my short luteal phase, I feel like something might be wrong (that can be treated). For the time being, I'll start taking Vitex along with my other supplements.

Hope you all have a great week. Lots of love and sticky baby dust to all!

-Magnolia Bud

I Hate Facebook

How is it that every time I miscarry, as soon as I sign onto Facebook a friend of mine has updated their profile picture with a sonogram picture and everyone is all OMG! Congrats! Are you pregnant? Is it a boy or a girl? When are you due? I've had enough.

I'll admit, I'm bitter right now. In the past I have half-heartily written my own congrats on my friend's Facebook wall, but this time I just cannot do it. Come to think of it, in the past I have done a lot. I have shopped for maternity clothes with friends, bought baby outfits, planned baby showers and marked on my calendar when they were finding out the sex because I thought that I just had to get over it and stop being so selfish. Now? I just cannot do it anymore.

Please don't misunderstand - I am very happy for my friends, but right now the wound is too fresh and I just cannot fake it anymore. To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. What it comes down to is this: In the past two years I have been pregnant a total of 4 times. And all I have to show for it is an extra 30 lbs, saggy bubbies and more heartbreak than anyone can imagine. I'm starting to lose faith, and I'm scared that I will never be able to carry a baby to term.

Mr. SB and I have an appointment next Monday (our anniversary! what a way to spend it.) with a high risk pregnancy specialist. We are going to see what they have to say. Our old doctor, whom I still adore, has done all that he can for us. He did his job. He got us pregnant. Now we need to move on to someone who can keep me pregnant.

We have decided that if our new doctor wants us just to try again without a new plan of action, we will move onto the next. I think it is silly to keep trying the same thing and expect different results (also the definition of insanity, I believe).

But right now I choose to be bitter. I choose to hate all things baby on Facebook and I choose to cry in front of others. I have always been perceived as being strong, unemotional and on occasions, have been accused of not having tear ducts. I realize now I cannot keep up this act anymore. I need to start being real.

Clomid Cycle #3

I've debated writing this post. I am usually not an emotional person, and do not wish to be portrayed as such. I view emotion as weakness, and for the most part, try to keep it at bay - especially in front of strangers.



However, I think it is time to come clean. I could just sit here and type to you matter of fact postings describing how crazy fertility drugs make me, but that is not the reason why I joined this blog. In my short 4 month here, I have come to see you all not as strangers, but as a supportive community. You have all shared your ups and downs with me, and I think it is time to share mine with you.



After AF decided to announce her presence (on her own this time, which is very out of character), I began Clomid cycle #3 on 100mgs of pure insanity.



This time? Was kind of anti-climatic. I was a little weepy the first night, and I continue to have a few hot flashes, but so far I have not been an emotional basket case nor have I spit my gum on the side of someones car because they cut me off in traffic (Wait, did I forget to tell you guys that story? Its probably for the best.). Basically, I have just been hanging out and FREAKING THE EFF OUT over becoming pregnant again.



I'm scared to death that if I become pregnant and lose a fourth pregnancy, it will be the one that breaks me. On the other hand, I feel like I cannot move forward with my life until I get past this hurdle. I feel like I have been stuck in a time warp, and when I think that we have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Not to mention how much I feel like a failure. I feel like I am letting everyone down with my infertility. My poor husband - what did he do to deserve this?

Speaking of my poor husband, I think he knows more about the female reproductive system than any man ever wants to know. No man should know what EWCM is, let alone what it looks like.

So here I am, wallowing in my own pity, and moving forward without knowing if I should. However, if I always feared the unknown, I would be sitting alone, in my house, with approximately 10-15 cats (all of which I would be knitting socks for).

I think right now its best to take a chance. Because without chances, I think we all would become Crazy Cat Ladies.....and I'm not that great of a kniter anyways.

A Month Ahead of Schedule...

We pulled the goalie!

Mr. Magnolia Bud and I had a conversation last month about O time where we laid out all the reasons to wait for two more cycles before TTC. At that time, our reasons were slim--I'm running another marathon Jan. 8-9, and he'd like to have more money in the bank. We continued talking, and as he realized that we had a fully-funded e-fund, are making significant contributions to our retirement accounts, are paying extra toward our mortgage and student loans each month, and would be able to meet daycare costs (our big worry, since they're really high in our area), that concern seemed to diminish. Especially because we can meet the costs of having a baby on our current salaries while still putting a little extra toward our long-term debt.

That all said, we didn't change our TTC date then. We left it open, with October as the goal. As you know, I've been getting ready to make a serious attempt in October. HPT's, CBEFM, pregnancy books, the works!

Well, wouldn't you know. Mr. Magnolia Bud, normally the chart-stalker who wants to know every bit about my temps, my CM and what my chart says on any given day, has stopped asking this month. He also, all of a sudden, turned from condom-crazed Mr. MB into "let's see what happens" last night.

So we did!

My temp went up today, and is in my usual post-O range. Given that I had my usual pre-O dip two days ago, I may have O'd yesterday. In which case, our timing wasn't bad. But I also had a couple of glasses of wine last night and temped an hour late this morning. I'm not discarding the temp though...But now I have to wait and see.

I need to take my PNV's now, just in case. I had been getting lax about taking them, even though our midwife just recommended a new brand that I really like--nutraMetrix Isotonix Prenatal Multi. It's a powder that you mix up in the cap and drink, and is a little fizzy like EmergenC. There's no artificial filler, and is as easy on my stomach as my Flinstones were.

I'm a little bit nervous, but more excited than anything. Have a great day!

Slow and steady wins the race?

Just a quick update to say I had another monitoring appointment today at CD 21 and I do have a 14 mm follicle in my left ovary, so I am inching towards some progress here! My next monitoring appointment is on Tuesday. I hope hope hope I will have made more progress by then and the IUI will be a go!

As the IUI keeps getting more delayed I have been becoming a bit of a basketcase. Today when I was waiting for my u/s, a husband and wife (also American) came into the clinic with their twin babies to show them off to the staff. It was her first visit back to to the clinic since she got pregnant apparently, and she started crying. I started to get a little weepy, too, and my feelings were so complicated in that moment. I was crying because I was happy for her, and perhaps projecting a little by sharing in the emotions of her moment, but I was also crying because I was wondering whether I would some day have the opportunity to go back to that clinic with my baby(ies) and Mr. Blueberry Bud.

When we first started TTC, getting pregnant and having a baby seemed so concrete, like this was something that was really going to happen to us and it was such an exhilarating and exciting feeling! As time passes, the idea of having a take-home baby, like the kind you can push into the fertility clinic in a stroller, seems more and more abstract. Some day soon, I hope.

Smelling The Roses

Unfortunately, my type of personality is the one that falls on the border between slightly neurotic and complete lunatic. Throw in The Clomid Factor, and I'm sure you can guess where my head is at right now. I am the type of person who always has to be in the driver seat, and who can always manage the situation (Hi! I'm an only child - can you tell?). I am that person that strives for perfection with whatever task I'm undertaking, and because I'm that persistent? I usually achieve it.

Hello my name is Sarcastic Bud, and I am a control freak.

So, as you can imagine, infertility has hit me where it hurts. Its such a foreign concept to me that I am not perfecting the art of making a baby (Wait, I'm definitely perfecting the art of making the baby, just producing a child from it. TMI? Sorry about that - I'm also an over-sharer). And as much as I just want to hold my breath and stomp my feet in protest because I have not been able to get knocked up and keep a pregnancy for almost 2 years, I know that won't get me anywhere (except maybe a trip to the funny farm, or to the nearest preschool).

But I had a moment of clarity yesterday. I have been investing so much of my time and energy into getting pregnant, I haven't taken a moment in a long time to take in all of the wonderful moments that have been happening in my life. And the good? It far outweighs the bad. In fact, the only bad thing - ahem, bump in the road - in my life right now is this infertility business.

And I would like to take this opportunity right now to share with you, the awesomeness that is my life (in list form, because I am a master list-maker).

1. I am financially stable.

2. My complete kick ass marriage. My husband is my best friend and lover all rolled into one. I have never had a connection with anyone like I have with him. The support that we have given each other over the past year has touched my heart, and made me realize how lucky I really am.

3. I don't have a mortgage to pay. My house was inherited from my grandparents.

4. My dad is now cancer free. He was diagnosed last summer with colon cancer and it completely killed me. My dad is my hero, and to see him going through what he had to go through made my heart actually ache. But now? He's back to riding his Harley and planning his next tattoo (ya, I have a cool dad!) because he has been in remission since March.

5. My husband is the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. This is why I'm so good at trying to make babies.

6. The job I am so lucky to have. Who gets their dream job in their 20s? My job is the job I having been wishing for every since I graduated college. I still feel sometimes that I am a little girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes when I'm getting ready for work in the morning, or that I don't actually deserve this job, but ever day I walk in there kicking ass and taking names to prove that I belong there. I get paid to do what I would do for free.

7. I have a wonderful friends. Friends that will be there to dry my tears or buy me a box of wine (keeping it classy) - depending on what the situation calls for.

Yes, this list is a little self-indulgent and maybe boring for others to read, but it has helped me out a lot. If you are going through the same thing that I am, I encourage you to make a list too.

Life goes by far too quickly and if you focus too closely on the negatives, you will miss the positives that makes life worth living.

As for me, I am taking the time right now to stop and smell the roses around me. And there has never been such a sweeter scent in my life.

And we're off... AKA... Um, when did it turn March?

I've been waiting almost 3 months to start IVF #2. March used to be SO far away. And now? Now I didn't even realize March 5th was here.

It hit me about 1 hour ago. Oh, I have to go to Dr. Z in the morning and then start injections tomorrow night.

Wow.

I'm having a weirdly difficult time with this cycle. Not in emotionally preparing for it, but I think in my LACK of emotionally preparing for it. I'm not being negative, but I'm having a difficult time being really positive, also.

It's a weird feeling. I just kind of feel like, okay, let's get this done.

I remember WAY too clearly how I felt getting that IVF BFN, which (i'm sorry if this offends you in any way) is worse than any other BFN possible. And I'm so scared that I might ever feel that way again. One girl on a message board I frequent even said that an IVF BFN is worse than a m/c, (she had both). She said that at least with the miscarriage she got tons of support and love and with the BFN she got a lot of "well, you'll try again" or "better luck next time" and no one really understood how completely devastating it was.

I'm not saying that I agree with that statement... just that it's an interesting perspective. I don't know if I believe it - But i think pain is pain, it's all real, and it's not my place to judge it.

It's really a strange feeling that I have right now. Mr. DB really thinks that it is going to work, now that we know everything. My acupuncturist tells me I'm healthier than she's ever seen me. She thinks it's going to work I really HOPE it's going to work. But I'm scared to "think" either way.

Do you know what I mean?

Anyway - T-23 hours til vagcam.