Not much to update

I did take my first belly pic this week, so that was fun to send out to friends who haven't seen me in a while. My mom, being the sentimental sap that she is, told me this morning that she goes to her email every morning to look at the picture. This morning she sent me an email that said "The world is beautiful with you and baby bump being in it. Love Mom" Yep, I teared up. I'm kind of fearful to go home for Christmas because I know she has already started spoiling her unborn first grandchild.

On Monday we hit the 15 week mark. I have never loved Mondays so much in my life. I get so excited to check my email on Monday morning because of all the email I get from baby sites telling me what my baby is doing at 15 weeks and how big he or she is. I especially love to see what fruit thebump.com compares Baby Hopeful Bud to each week. This week s/he is the size of a naval orange. I usually love oranges, but that is one fruit that hasn't agreed with me being pregnant.

Over the weekend, which was mine and Mr. Hopeful Bud's 1st anniversary, I got the terrible stomach flu. It was way worse the all of first trimester put together. Which really isn't saying much since I really had a very smooth first trimester, but nonetheless it was awful. Mr. HB was wonderful though and made me feel loved and cared for all weekend long.

That's about it, not much else to report. Just still waiting until our next appointment on December 30th.

Take care and remain hopeful!

Love,

Hopeful Bud

And that vacation was freaking AWESOME!

I cant even tell you how fun it was and definitely needed. The best vacation ever. To be honest it shed alot of light into our life and our grateful and fortunate we are.

We are both healthy. We both had the time of our lives and enjoyed every.single.minute of it. It was complete bliss. We got to visit 3 continents in 1 trip. We got to see 2of the seven wonders of the world. We did things most people of our age never do. Or people in general never get to do. It was amazing. Just what we needed.

I realized I can wait for a baby. I mean don't get me wrong I want one but I can wait. I saw some new parents there and they were struggling. Struggling to take photos, feed the baby, take excursions, see the awesome port of calls. I know when the time comes we will deal with it but at the same time I know I can think of a MILLION other things to keep me busy. Like planning another trip to this awesome place.


Malta. This tiny little country / island near Italy. Its so amazing. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Peaceful. We are going back. I don't care what we have to do.

On our trip we realized how much we both really enjoy traveling. If we don't have kiddos it makes it alot easier to plan and travel. We really want to go to Australia some time in 2010 and I know we can make it with a little one but it would be so much easier without.

So this is how I am getting through the days when I see pink or red. Like today. I haven't cried (yet). I haven't said why not me because I look at where we have been, what we have been through and realize we still have time. Maybe we can go to Australia in 2010 or 2011 and make it our babymoon? Who knows. What I do know is we are saving TONS of money without a baby and I can do TONS of stuff with that money. No daycare = an extra 800 dollars a month in our pocket.

Its the little things like that that keep me going.

So on to cycle # 7. Maybe this will be the cycle? If not Ill make it. I mean whats 1 more cycle. I have went through 6 already.

Enjoy some photos we took!

holy crap

I really don't have a more appropriate title for this blog entry.

After all of the roller coaster emotions of the past week - thoughts of being canceled, thoughts of having diminished reserve - I can't believe I was just told what I was told at the RE's office this morning.

I'm triggering tonight.

My lining went from 14 to 16mm overnight! This photo shows what a trilaminar pattern looks like:

photo credit

These are my follicle sizes from the last three visits:

• Monday: 16, 15, 13, 13, 13, 11 (Dr Z only counts the ones above 10)
  
• Wednesday: 19, 18, 15, 14, 14, 13 (6 small - meaning under 10; Dr B counts everything)
• Today: 22, 22, 20, 18, 18, 17, 15, 14, 10

photo credit

Yep - you read that right... 5 mature follicles!!!!!!! And with the way things have been going, I wouldn't be surprised if the 17 and 15 caught up by saturday.

I found this cool website that explains mature follicle sizes (remember, i'm on Gonal-F) and what happens after trigger:

• How big should my lead follicle be before I take my HCG shot?
  

A lead follicle should be at least 16 mm on an hMG like Pergonal, it should be at least 18 mm on a recombinant FSH like Gonal-F, and should be about 22 mm on Clomid. Occasionally Gonal-F can produce mature eggs in smaller follicles, in which case other measurements such as E2 and progesterone should be used to indicate maturity. (The difference in ideal size is due to the difference in mechanisms by which the medications work. For example, the mechanism by which Clomid works often takes a bit longer because it is indirect. Therefore, the follicle has more time to grow before the egg is actually mature).

• How much do follicles grow each day?
  

Follicles grow 1 to 2 mm a day both while taking ovulatory stimulants and after the HCG shot.

• Will smaller follicles "catch up" in time to release eggs?
  

Follicles generally need to be at least 15-16 mm to contain fertilizable eggs (although it is possible in rare cases for follicles to be as small as 14 mm and still contain fertilizable eggs). If the smaller follicles are close in size to the lead, they may "catch up" and release. HCG will usually result in most mature follicles releasing eggs. Otherwise, most likely only the lead follicle will ovulate.

I'm starting to think that sometimes Dr. Z is just TOO cautious. Like last week when he said, "i'm not worried YET". Today he said that tomorrow morning when I go in for blood work (they measure my estrogen again and my HCG levels, to make sure i've gotten enough of the trigger) he wants to see my estrogen go up, stay the same, or not drop more than 20%. He said if it drops more than 20% it's indicative of immature eggs that won't fertilize. I asked him if he expects that to happen. He said, "It shouldn't". Why couldn't he just say "no".

But it's not going to happen. Not with all of these follicles. Not after everything i've been through.

We're triggering tonight.

Retrieval is saturday.

Holy crap.

Hello, My Name is Bad Blogger...

OOPS!
I've been a little MIA lately... I have no excuse other than laziness. So I guess I have a lot to report since it's been a good two weeks since my last update.

First of all - we are now 25 weeks and 4 days knocked up! Woot woot! I'm feeling it though - BIG TIME. I'm not sure if I've just been eating crappy or if Baby GB is having a growth spurt but this last week I've been just completely and utterly worn out and I feel absolutely HUGE!

I'm going to ignore the fact that I made Mr. GB bring me chocolate cheesecake for dinner on Monday night - along with the fact that I ate an entire Totino's pizza for lunch today. In all seriousness, I need to get my act together and start eating better and get my butt back in the gym a few times a week. So that's my goal - Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays from 5-6pm is my time I'm devoting to the gym - this was supposed to start today. Which brings me to excuse #1 why I skipped my first day back at it:

ICE SUCKS!!! Rather, a pregnant lady, holding a 16oz decaf latte in one hand, her purse and lunch bag in the other, wearing Ugg boots should not step out of her car onto a sheet of ice. She's bound to fall down - and that I did. Thankfully I landed on my left hip and not all that hard. Baby GB seems to be ok in there as he's been moving around all day but I called Dr. C to make sure they didn't want to see me just in case. She said as long as I'm not cramping or bleeding I should be ok. I thought maybe I'd take it easy and start the gym on Friday?! Sounds good.
Photo Credit

Also, this past weekend my BFF was in town with her 6 month old son. So we kind of got a taste of what we're in for. Now if any of you remember from my very first post - I declared myself a reformed baby hater. Reformed I am! But I'm not going to lie - other people's kids still make me nervous!!! I about passed out when she asked me to change his diaper, like I was going to break him or something?! I find this so silly since I'm about to be changing A LOT of diapers but I'm sure it'll be different when it's my own. (**ahem** I hope?!)

I suppose I'll leave you with thebump.com's 6 month update :)

Baby's now the size of an eggplant!

That oh-so-handy sense of equilibrium is kicking in, and baby's learning to distinguish right side up from upside down.

9 weeks 2 days....

Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.....


This one is a little late because we were out of our apartment all weekend since the building was being tented for termites. If you have never had to leave home because of tenting, I pray you never do. It's a PITA! We had to pack ALL our food from the pantry, cabinets and fridge find accommodations for our dog, get a hotel for us. A lot of wasted money. When we got back on Sunday we had to wash all the sheets, clean the floors wipe down the kitchen. I still haven't tackled doing all the dishes since we have some that I cleaned in the dishwasher when we got back.
I'm just taking it day by day.

I met my new OB on Friday. He's a pretty cool guy. He's a biker, which I thought was pretty funny. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about having a male OB but he made me feel really comfortable and the appointment went really well.

So aside from that, I'm doing okay. Sometimes a little too okay and it drives me nuts.

Now, I apologize in advance for those of you that are reading that that have had crappy pregnancies where you were throwing up all the time etc. But, I'd actually feel better about all this if I felt that way.

I do get nauseous but not to the point of dry heaving or actually throwing up. My boobs are a little sore but mostly it's just the nipple area. I get mild headaches here and there same goes for the light headedness. I've had a stuffy nose since I got my BFP and just some uterine stretching related pains. Gas is my new BFF. Both kinds. Luckily, my husband finds it hilarious.
Meanwhile, I have 2 friends that are pregnant and also due in July and the feel terrible. They don't understand how I would be much more comfortable with this all if I felt worse. The days I feel awful all day are the best days :) Yes, I know, I'm nuts (Mr. LB definitely thinks so). But I think I thought that since the road to getting pregnant was so difficult that the pregnancy itself would be too.

People ask me if I'm excited and I can't say yes. I feel like it's not safe to be excited yet. I'm hoping after our next appointment I'll start to be. My sister-in-law however is over the moon :) This will be her first niece/nephew and she can't stop gushing over it. She was in town this past weekend and there was lots of talk about baby, baby shower, gifts, strollers, breast feedings, all things baby. My family is really excited too but they're more in tune with how nervous I am so they hold back a little more. My OB did make me feel a little better about one thing I was concerned about and that was the progesterone hiding a miscarriage. He said that not amount of progesterone in the world would keep me from losing an abnormal pregnancy. So the only thing left to be concerned about is whether or not the bagel is growing.

Next appointment is scheduled for December 30th (11.5 weeks). We'll be having out First Tri Screening that day. It will be the first time we see the bagel since our 7.5 week u/s when we saw the baby and HB. So needless to say, that is what's bringing on all this extra paranoia about symptoms and lack thereof.
After that my next appointment with the OB is on January 7th (12.5 weeks).

I don't think I've ever done so much praying in my life.

I promise you as neurotic and crazy as I sound in this entry I'm not like this all the time lol. But it feels good to just get all these thoughts out somewhere.

I'll be back on Monday!

Monitoring Update #92347596: I'm SO not getting cancelled

I knew IVF was going to be a roller coaster of experiences and emotions - but I wasn't prepared for the extremes of it all.

Two days ago, i walked out of the RE's office crying hysterically - trying to prepare myself for the possibility of this cycle being canceled. Follicles not responding. Lining steady at 8mm.

But it was only day 9 - and what did i know about how long this might take. They expected me to respond immediately, since I don't have a diagnosis other than MFI. (I still think they oversuppressed me with the BCPs and Lupron - but that's another post.)

All i know is - i haven't left the RE's office smiling in a long time. It feels like years.

It was today.
My lining is up to 14mm in the trilaminar pattern (the three layers needed for implantation)! I still have 6 growing follicles - my two lead ARE MATURE(!!!) at 19mm and 18mm. (There's also a 15mm, 2 @ 14mm and 1 at 13mm, along with 6 labeled "small".)

All i know is the lining would NOT be growing if there wasn't abundant estrogen and i am SO not being canceled!!!!

Keep the juju coming, girls... it's working.

A long update

I'm sorry I am just now getting to this, but honestly, I just didn't have it in me to update and tell my story again. However, I am gaining strength and am ready to share.

My last post was about our first pregnancy appointment. If you remember, they couldn't find the heartbeat because "I had come in too early." In the back of my mind, I knew that this wasn't correct, however, I convinced myself that it was.

So, here is what happened next - Tuesday, December 8th, I went to try to find the HB again and they still could not find it. Dr. D decided to check my betas and have me come in Thursday, December 10th, to check the betas again. On Thursday, there was still no HB found and my betas were rising - they should have been able to find a HB. It was then determined that I, in fact, had a Blighted Ovum. (If you click here, you can learn more about what that means)

I am heart broken and still in shock, but I am dealing with it. Dr. D advised that since I have had no cramping, spotting or bleeding that I should have a D & C (dilation and curettage) because the empty sac could continue to grow for up to 2 more weeks (which would put us at Christmas) and then I would miscarry on my own. I decided to take his advice, as the only way to really have closure is to end this, move on and look forward.

I have to give kudos to several people during this hard chapter in my life. To my wonderful husband, who has been nothing but a pillar of love and strength. To my friend Stephanie, who has been so supportive and loving. And lastly, to The Getting Pregnant Board on The Nest. These women have been the best support system a woman could have. Thank you to all of these people!

I will be having my D&C tomorrow, December 15th at 1:45 CST. I am nervous, but hopeful. Please pray for the Sugar Bud house, as we are dealing with this.

Finally getting somewhere!

Alright. So I had a mini-meltdown yesterday.

I don't know if it's because everyone and their mom seems to be pregnant around me, or if I keep getting the "So, are you pregnant yet?" questions, or if it's simply for the fact that I have baby rabies.

I finally cracked to Mr. Snow Bud, and told him that we are taking all the right steps financially, we are doing great, much better than we expected. We are saving, we are financially stable, we are OKAY. We talk about getting pregnant daily, babies are a daily passing conversation. I'm ready. I've been ready. Nothing has changed for me, I want a baby.

Of course, I said this all through tears and was a big sniffling mess. I received the hugs, and he even tried to cheer me up by offering to go get chinese food and watch girl movies all night. He didn't say much otherwise.

.... Until this morning. He said that he stayed up last night thinking about what I had said, and this morning thought about it, and decided that he may be able to get on board with a St. Patrick's day continuation of TTC date. He said that at that point, we will be able to see if we are still in fact on track, doing well, and gives us both a date to look forward to.

YAY!!

Let's hope this isn't how our St. Patty's goes this year...

Until next time,

Blood Work and U/S... Check!

AF showed up right on schedule, Wednesday 28 days after the m/c started. So I called to start scheduling my appointments.

Here is a recap of our plan found in this Post:

1. I need to fast and then draw blood for RPL (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss...)
   
2. Mr. Bud Draws blood (genetic testing)
   
3. Wait for AF ( I have never been so anxious for her little butt to show up)
4. Day 2-3 after AF - Hormone u/s (Pelvic u/s)
   
5. After AF & Before Ovulation - HSG (X-Ray to evaluate the Uterine cavity, cervical canal, and tubal patency).
   
6. Ovulation - use OPK and once + call doctors to schedule:

• Progesterone blood Test (To determine P4 blood level after ovulation) 7-10 days after + opk
  
• Endometrial Biopsy (A small piece of the tissue lining of the uterus is removed for evaluation) 11-13 days after +opk

Friday I had my first appointment which was my 2-3 days after AF showed to have my Pelvic u/s. The tech told me everything looked great, and had blood drawn.

Saturday Morning Mr. Bud and I went to have our blood work drawn for all types of genetic, chromosomes and other testings. I had to fast since 12 midnight and was kind of nervous on how much blood they were going to take out. Everywhere I read its says up to 30 vials of blood... Holy cr@p!!!

Here is a pic of all the stickers for each Vial...
a total of 17 (the Internet is a scary place).



The phlebotomist made a comment that made me wonder is this what is causing my m/c's. She first asked me if I am trying or am planning on getting pregnant, then I told her that we are starting to test because of multiple losses. After I was done she told me that my blood is very thin/watery, and hopefully I should have some answers. What does that mean?!?!? She really did not want to get into detail but that made my head spin... Off to the wonderful world of Google.

My Next step is once AF finishes schedule the HSG, most likely sometime next week.

IUI #1 and Antiphospholipid Antibodies Oh My...

All went well at our 1st IUI yesterday. It was not painful at all. Dr. B told me I had to listen to 4 songs on the Muzak before I could get up out of the stirrups lol.

Photography Credit

My last blood test came in and Dr. B discovered that I have an Antiphospholipid Antibody. Specifically I have antibodies against ANNEXIN V (prevents blood clots in the placenta). Dr. B explained that Phospholipid molecules are normal components of all cell membranes. Some also have glue like properties and allow cells to fuse. Antibodies to phospholipid molecules can, therefore, cause problems. Specifically, they can damage the inside of the blood vessel wall. This allows blood cells to stick to the site of the injury and cause blood clots.This most likely explains why I am getting pregnant put not holding the baby. Nevertheless I start baby aspirin and prednisone tomorrow and take throughout the 2ww.

Photography Credit

On a super happy note Mr. Blessed Bud's post wash count was 50 million and Dr. B said his motility was excellent. GL to everyone else in the 2WW.

Beta is in 2 weeks...

Until Next Time,