1st Monitoring Ultrasound

I have been taking Lupron for 11 days now. I had my first monitoring ultrasound yesterday. My lining was at 9 and my estrogen was high, and I had a large follicle, all of which is bad news.

 I got the news today though that they are not going to call off my cycle yet. They are doubling my dose of Lupron and I am scheduled for a second ultrasound on the 15th. I will find out then if I am still on for my September 19th transfer. It looks as though my body is still trying to ovulate. If I do the transfer will be off. It is probably due to a mix up, I never went on birth control. I am hopeful that it will all work out and that I will still get to go in September. If not, I will go in November.

I am getting used to taking the shots, although my husband gives them to me. I still haven't gotten up the courage to do it myself. We are heading to our hometown of Seattle next Wednesday, and my sister does not have internet, so my next update will be after my ultrasound on September 15th.

Childbirth Class

We had our childbirth class this past weekend! Long day. 6 hours in the classroom, but I do have to give the instructor props for giving us hourly bathroom breaks and letting us get up and move around for certain activities in the class. Going into the class I was really worried how the swelling in my feet would do not being able to get my feet up for that long, but it turned out fine.

I have a confession to make: I mostly signed us up for the class so that my husband would have a clue what he was in for...both when it came to labor & delivery, and for my recovery afterwards. I've read up on things pretty well, have discussed things with people a bunch, and have witnessed a birth. I wanted my husband to know how to time contractions, when it was time to go to the hospital, the different stages of labor, what he can do during labor to help...and that in the days/weeks afterwards he's going to need to step up. Mission Accomplished.

The class was pretty comprehensive. It started out with "Is it time to go to the hospital?" scenarios, went through each stage of labor (what to expect, how to cope, including videos of medicated & non-medicated births and a c-section), and recovery (both types of delivery).

I didn't really feel like I learned a whole lot, but I know the Mr did. Plus I think it helped him to see other Dads-to-be in the class, that he's not the only one facing this. Another confession from me: I liked being in the class around other 3rd Tri moms-to-be. It was nice to be around people that get the discomforts and worries going on with me these days.

One thing I did learn that I thought was kind of cool is that the baby typically twists when it comes out during delivery. From what the instructor said, baby will be kind of sideways a the start of labor and as its skull progresses through the pelvis it twists. Both the pre-labor positioning and the twist help line up the widest part of babies head with the widest opening (at that given stage) of the moms pelvis. I didn't realize that and thought it was kind of cool...especially because it means our little guy is spot on in his positioning (head down, with his back sort of facing to the left of my belly button). This image isn't one from the class, but it shows the twist.

(Image credit: http://www.epigee.org/health/birth.html )

Golden Birthday

Credit

Today I turn the big 31 on the 31st and am loving planning. I love the "idea" of a fun decked out party but am never creative enough to actually pull it off. This year I drug my sister along to help me shop and we went with the Gold theme with the number 31 everywhere. I will post pictures when it is all set up. Also, since I have been off sugar I have given myself the day to binge on all my favorite treats that I am giving up except for the very, very rare occasion ie., my birthday!! This is the run down of my day. In the morning we are getting doughnuts, then breakfast at the best restaurant up the mountain at a cute ski resort called Sundance, they have the best food ever!! Then off for pedicures, dropping my cute niece off at her first day of Kindergarten, eating a chimichanga for lunch, then snow cones and Dippin Dots, then pizza for dinner and finally cake, cupcakes, ice cream, cream puffs, cotton candy and Serendipity's frozen hot chocolate!! Yes I know I will probably not be able to eat all this but I have got to at least give it a try and I will most likely feel ill for a few days afterwards but when you are giving up sugar sometimes you need a little binge, or in my case a huge one!!

I thought this would also be a good time to write about my Fertility story since at 31 was I had expected to have at least two or three children not zero!! In reading "Unsung Lullabies" they talk about writing out your Fertility Story and your spouse do the same to realize what our expectations were for a family from a child and now. Then you would compare and gain insight on your spouses feelings and dreams. So here goes mine.

I have always wanted a family and envisioned when I was little that I would graduate college first, then get married and wait a few years to have kids. Mind you, I was thinking about getting married around 21 and starting having kids at 25. I wanted to have either three or five children because I am the middle of five kids and wanted to have a middle child as well. You know someone who you would relate to the most. I wanted to have all boys and had dreamed of being out rough housing with them, riding bikes, playing ball and running around playing cops and robbers with my kids. I was going to be the cool mom that got out there and loved playing with their kids and spent a lot of time with them. I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was in my mid thirties so I wouldn't be "old" while raising them and then could travel and do fun things when they were adults as well(Remember I was still young and thought 30 was really old and I would probably never reach that age).

Pretty much my original plan has to be scrapped since I got married at 26, waited to start trying for a year or two and found out that between Mr. Explorer Bud and I we had a less than 1% chance of conceiving the old fashioned way. Now I am just desperate to have "a" child let alone three or five! I will be well past my mid thirties before I am done having children or trying to have children, as the case may very well be. I worry I will be a tired mom that doesn't have the energy to play with my children when they do come around or I will have a bunch of early twenty year-olds to hang out with and have play dates when I finally have a child. I know sounds pretty trivial while I am writing this but just being honest about some of the silly, bitter thoughts I have at times. Overall, I am hopeful that one day we will get pregnant and stay pregnant and have a wonderful little bundle of joy but man does waiting around hoping and praying just sometimes suck!!! So this year on my Golden Birthday I am going to ignore what I don't have and desperately want which nobody can give me and enjoy the friends and family and fun things that I can have/do.

Okay, first I'd like to address Diva's post: GIRL...YES!!! It's so ironic that you posted that because a woman and I were talking about that very thing during lunch today. She's had an ectopic and is TTC. But I totally understand and agree. It's like when you buy a new car; you never see that model of your Toyota but then you buy one and they're everywhere! I see pregnant patients. Pregnant women on TV. In commercials. On Facebook. It's like an epidemic...and we're immune. *sigh*

It's been really hard these past couple of days looking at the BF since the baby shower. She's just so pregnant. And when she's not rubbing the belly, she's complaining about being pregnant. I want to tell her everytime she does, "wanna switch places?".

I got my labs back. Everything is normal so I'm happy about that. It would be nice to have a reason though. But oh well. They checked for lupus anticoagulant, factor v, thyroid, and chromosomal abnormalities. I wish they were able to tell me what all was being drawn before I got to the lab (I asked but the nurse couldn't give me many details) so that I could request a couple more. No biggie.

My BOTB has been in overdrive lately. I had to move some things from my baby box to something larger. Hehe. Other than some cute outfits, I have some pretty cool stuff. One of my coworkers had a Boppy pillow that she doesn't use anymore, I found a really nice sling for like $7 at a local baby consignment shop and before the first miscarriage one of my good friends gave me a nice photo frame with "now showing" on it. Oh yeah, and one of the girls doesn't want her glider/rocker or bouncy seat anymore and is going to give me those as well. Anyway it happens, I'm going to be rocking a child to sleep in that chair!

DISlike :(

You know those days when you feel like everyone around you is getting pregnant except you??? Well TODAY is one of those days... And it SUCKS!!! :-/

It also doesn't help that I STILL haven't seen any sign of AF. Not even a Post Card.

I am usually a pretty happy and chipper person... But today I feel angry and bitter. Granted, I do feel happy for those that are expecting, but I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn.

Don't mind me... I'll just be in the corner... Sulking :-/



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

SORRY

I have been a very bad blogger this summer. You would think with the summers off I would have this time to blog; however I haven't had much time to sit down and write. I have also been tying to stay as sane as possible with everything that is going on. I did find out from our insurance company that even though I was originally told I had no infertility limit, I can only do 6 ART cycles. The no limit applies to a monetary limit. So without realizing it, I have used up 1/3rd of our chances to get pregnant. I have to admit this freaks me out a little bit. I know we would never be able to try once our insurance runs out. Hopefully this upcoming cycle works.

Just a few hours ago, I took my last BCP. Hopefully AF will show up again soon so that I can start stimming for my next ER. I am cautiously optimistic that this must work. Third time's a charm right?

A little update...

First off, I'd like to thank Cactus Bud for the warm welcome! I am excited and honored to be a part of this family.

AF came back last Sunday. My first one since the m/c. On one hand I'm happy because I'm one month closer to TTC again, on the other...hey, it's Aunt Flo right? =o)

On the 19th I went to the doc's office for labs to find out why I've had "recurrent miscarriages." I called on Tuesday just to see how long it takes the results to come back and was told by the next day. I gave them until Friday just in case my OB was in the hospital or delivering. I called twice Friday; first thing and about 4pm. At close to 6pm the nurse called and told me that they couldn't find where I even came for the blood work or that it was sent to the lab! ARGH! I am so frustrated. I've been worrying about those results for a week and then it looks like I'll have to have ELEVEN more vial drawn and wait another week! I like my OB but her office sucks sometimes.

I went to the BF's baby shower today. Let me tell you, that was tough for me. I knew I had to go because I would have regretted it if I hadn't. But it was like a punch in the gut to watch her open all those presents and having everyone ooh and ahh. Have any Buds ever gone through something like this? Any suggestions on how to cope?

Sweet Child of Mine (32 Week Update)

Before I get started, I wanted to take a moment to welcome our new bud, Curly Bud. Its always nice to see a new face, and I am thrilled that there is another lady here to document their TTC After a Loss journey. Having been down that road myself, and knowing just how common pregnancy loss is, its such an important perspective to bring to the blog. Welcome, Curly Bud!

How far along: 32 weeks and 6 days. Just over 7 weeks to go! About a month until I'm full term. Woot!

Total weight change: Going by the doctors scale at my 32 week appointment today, +24. I officially broke the 200 mark today at my appointment. Not happy about that...but at least its for a great reason. On the plus side, at least the rate of gain has slowed some.

Maternity clothes: Always. I've pretty much moved into dresses at this point. It kills my hips to get pants on and off.

Stretch Marks: I've noticed a few additions right near the tiny ones I found ages ago. In the scheme of things, they are still pretty small.

Movement: Today on the way back from the pharmacy (another UTI, boo)I had the radio on and Sweet Child of Mine came on. I swear the little guy was grooving to the guitar riff. Too funny, especially since his father loves that song. Otherwise he's mostly been a wriggler. He's been changing position some (doctor suspected he's head down at today's appt, woo hoo!) and has the hiccups 2+ times each day.

Sleep: Ha ha ha. If I'm not up to pee, I've been restless with my mind racing with thoughts of delivery, the recovery afterwards and concerns about holiday visits.

Best Moment This Past Week: His dancing today was pretty funny. It was also great to find out he's likely vertex after being anything but for most of the pregnancy.

Most Difficult Moment This Past Week: Honestly, compared to the aches and pains I had a week or two ago...this week wasn't too bad.

Belly Button In or Out: Still an inny.

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing major.

Symptoms: Tingly fingers, particularly on my right hand. Bloat, including the infamous cankles. Hip pain, occasional cervical pressure and 3rd Tri exhaustion. According to my doctor, I also have a mild UTI. Joy. How sad is it that I had no clue I even had symptoms...the usual peeing more or feeling pressure is pretty darn hard to distinguish from late pregnancy.

Eating Success

I have been going strong on my Paleo eating and I am starting to see the results of my resisting all those delicious sugary treats that I love when I want to eat my emotions!! I have lost 3 inches in my waist and 1 inch in my hips with very limited exercise. I feel soo much better and more alert during the day and sleeping more soundly at night which makes sitting at a computer and reading legal documents a lot easier to do!! I haven't noticed yet a decrease in facial hair yet but I am sure I will notice that again soon. I am not incredibly hairy but I do need to wax my upper lip which is obnoxious to say the least!!

I was visiting with my friend that just went through her first round of IVF she gave me a copy of the book "Making Babies" that Diva Bud was talking about so I am going to get started reading that and returned a great book that I forgot about called, "What to Do When You Can't Get Pregnant". This is a great book that explains all the processes that you could go through in diagnosing infertility, what your OBGYN will do, when to move to an RE and an excellent description of every procedure you may encounter from blood work to IVF w/ ICSI. I would highly recommend it to anyone that doesn't know much about the procedures or what their next steps should be in the TTC process.

The next few weeks I will be busy reading up on some more holistic TTC methods and getting my eating and weight loss goals met. Oh baby sounds like fun!!

Intro

"Miscarriage is not tragedy. It’s not losing a child. It’s not life in a war zone. It’s not living in poverty. It’s not even the worst thing that has happened to me. But it’s loss. And it’s an icky, secret, festering loss. Hollow, haunting, and acrid.”

Pretty powerful words. Fairly accurate too. If I were in front of you all, I would ask for a show of hands that agree with this statement. Most of you would raise your hands. And some of you, like me, would hesitate. As I said, it’s fairly accurate but I don't agree 100%.

Miscarrying IS losing a child. You just haven’t met him yet. The two of you have only begun that special bond that is created between a mother and her child. From the time that egg is fertilized, your baby has an identity. The color of her eyes, her skin tone, hair texture, personality, smile and laugh are all determined. If you’re lucky, you get to see those things for yourself. If you’re not so lucky, like so many of us, you won’t be allowed this privilege until you pass from this life.

My TTC story? Long story short we had an “oops” in December. Everyone knew; our parents, the people we work with. No family history of miscarriage. At my 8 week confirmation ultrasound we found out that the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks 5 days. You all know how difficult it is to not only accept that news yourself, but to spread that message to those close to you. I decided to have the miscarriage naturally. It occurred about 3 weeks later. Icing on the cake of this scenario? Exactly 1 week after I miscarried, I find out that my BF is pregnant. Oh yeah. And guess who she asked to tell everyone. You got it; ME. Believe me, that’s an ongoing personal struggle to this day.

We decided to try again in May/June. Got it on the first try! We just knew the first time was a fluke…nothing to worry about. The date for the confirmation ultrasound rolls around and we’re so excited we can hardly stand it. The only people who know this time are my parents (my mom works in the lab where my HCGs were done), my BF and my supervisor. Anyone want to guess how the ultrasound went? Yep. Baby died at 6 weeks 6 days. Utter devastation. This time I decided to do the cytotec – get this fiasco behind us so we can start healing. The first round didn’t work. The second round was so horrible that I will never do the cytotec again. All that pain and heartache, and all we got was more of the same.

Now I’m waiting for AF to come back around so that everything will resemble normalcy again. My OB/GYN likes her patients to wait 2 healthy periods before trying again. That puts us to September-ish. We’re planning on waiting until October when we go on vacation for our anniversary. The BF? Due October 22 with a baby girl. Me and Mr. Curly Bud? Taking it one day at a time and praying that the old adage will hold up for us: third time’s the charm.

Thanks for listening and looking forward to talking to you again soon!