Baby Makeup Bud is here!!

I'd like to introduce you to our December Miracle!

Born December 1, 2010 via C-Section

at 8:08am weighing in 7lb 6.6oz and 19" long!

He's the best thing I've ever experienced.

I'll have a birth story for you as soon as we're settled in at home :)

SSDD in the sucky lining department

Here we are on Day 15 of estrogen supplementation for my FET and my lining is at 6.5mm. It's a good thing we built an extra week into this cycle because I'm going to need it. On the plus side, I'm above the bare minimum of 6, and the nurse said their research indicates that donor recipients have equal success for linings of 6 or greater. On the sucky side, I was hoping for a lining miracle and I am not going to get one.

The transfer is still set for 12/17.

My due date is this weekend.

I'm happy for my newly (or very!) pregnant Buds, but at the same time it sucks to be me.

Why can't I stop?

Seriously, I POAS a little while ago. I'm 6 weeks pregnant. I have no business POAS. But the week and a half between appointments to see the heartbeat has me in a total panic today.

The line isn't getting any darker. Granted, it's darker than the control line. A lot. But I thought maybe by now, the control line would have disappeared entirely.

I'm a total freak, I know. But I'm still having a hard time accepting this as real. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have horrible dreams every night about something bad happening and I tp check every time I go to the bathroom.

I really want to relax and enjoy this pregnancy but I'm having such a hard time doing so.

I Never Test on Thursdays

But today I did. It felt like the right thing to do.

And there it was.

A second, oh-so-faint line.

I don't even have a picture for you, because I took it with Mr. CB's phone and he hasn't emailed it to me. I'll get one up soonish.

Faint, but it was there.

This was my conversation this morning with Mr. CB:

Me: Honey?

MrCB: ::groanmumbleugh:: (he was sleeping, poor guy)

Me: Come here.

MrCB: No.

Me: It's positive.

MrCB: I thought it was too early to test.

Me: Regardless, it's still positive.

And then there were hugs and kisses and me crying like a loon.

So there it is. A BFP. I am equal parts thrilled (I spent the morning sending up "thank you" prayers every five to ten minutes and bursting into tears between times), disbelieving (I checked the test at least twenty times this morning to make sure my eyes weren't just enjoying their own little joke) and terrified (intermixed with the thank you prayers were "please let this baby stick. and be healthy. and happy." prayers). Being among the TTC community for the past nine months has taught me nothing if not that a new baby life is fragile and oh-so-fleeting sometimes, and while the "M" word is in the back of my mind, I am refusing to allow it space in my conscious thoughts.

My EDD, according to FF, is August 16. August. Meaning, God willing, I will be holding Baby CB this time next year. And they will be almost four months old. I'm in shock, and I don't think it's really hit me yet.

Praying, praying, praying,

First O After M/C, Check!

I haven't been posting as much as I'd like to recently, because it's been hard for me to talk about the in-between. You know, the time in-between when I miscarried, when I felt my worst (physically and emotionally), and now, when I feel sort of better but still have some terrible moments that strike unexpectedly.

Mr. Magnolia Bud and I spent Thanksgiving weekend with my family, and had a nice weekend. Not stress-free or relaxing, by any means, but at least we were able to spend a little fun time with people who are important to us. My family lives near Chicago, so it was a chilly weekend!

Today is the first day of Hanukkah, and Mr. MB and I are using it as a new beginning. We're trying to stay positive, and are both tentatively excited about TTC again next cycle. I'm more ambivalent than he is, but as this cycle progresses, I find myself thinking ahead instead of only about what happened. We decided that even if we're going to not-not try, I'm still going to be taking Vitex and Maca Root, so that if I do get pregnant, the corpus luteum will be at its strongest and will have the progesterone it needs to survive until my body takes over. We're also excited about Maca's reputation for increased energy & libido...I haven't really had the best sex drive since the miscarriage. Poor Mr. MB!

Speaking of this cycle, it looks like I've O'd! At 3DPO I had solid crosshairs, and they've since changed to dotted...but I have a feeling it's from CM inconsistencies. I've been taking a lot of antihistamines this cycle since I had hives about two weeks ago. All of the open circles are from taking my temp too early, given all the travel we've been doing for a few weeks. I'm hoping this means my cycle will get back to "normal" in a couple of days with AF's arrival...

AF is being a weirdo... and so am I!

Yesterday I mentioned that AF came to town... but I must mention that she made her official appearance this morning, a little later than I thought/felt. I wondered to myself how it could be possible, since I was having such terrible cramps yesterday (you may recall me wrapping up my post quite quickly due to the sharpness of the pain). I would go to the bathroom and find nothing more than very, VERY, mild spotting. I was a little worried, but figured today would be the day... sure enough, she appeared this morning shortly after I woke up.

What I find strange is that AF is acting a bit strangely. It is already strange enough that I had such unbearable pains yesterday (I was in pain sitting,

standing, bending over, etc.) with no blood, when the full-blown menstruation appeared, it was very dark brown and lumpy/clotty. I have continued having cramps, but I nipped them in the bud (no pun intended) this morning by taking some Advil, so that may have helped. It is just soooo strange, I can't even wrap my mind around what is going on.

I am going to be going to the Dr. soon, and might make an appointment with the GYN as well (she is the wife of my PCP) and talk to her a bit about what is going on. I talked to her a while back about Fertility issues, and such, and she mentioned that I shouldn't worry too much until I was ready to TTC if I thought I was having issues (I wasn't even engaged to Mr. DBud then, but I was just looking for a "heads-up"). I haven't been TTC-ing long, but my period is acting so weird, that I just feel I need to know what's going on here.

On top of all that... I am super emotional. I went to Target today with Mr. DBud and my Mother to see some stuff, etc. and I happened to be in the baby toy aisle. I started playing with this baby cell phone. Mr. DBud came up behind me and said, "You want to have a Baby, don't you..." and I almost started crying. I don't know what's wrong with me! UGH! I hate feeling so weird. Hopefully I ca

n get ahold of all this soon. I know I keep saying that, but honestly, I try to stay positive no matter what, which I guess is good considering this might be a tough road. And does it help that they keep putting a commercial with "3 is the Magic Number" as the theme song?

FML.

The end.

Three Cheers for Progress!

39 weeks pregnant. Holy cheese and crackers.

I am without a doubt carrying differently this week, and rapidly running out of anything that could be considered "under my belly".

We had our 39 week appointment today, and I was terrified that if there were still no progress Dr Loh would bring up induction - not to schedule - but to start the conversation. Fortunately, it never got to that point... because we have progress!! 1cm, moving anterior and a dropping baby. YAY! I know it means nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it makes me feel a little better. And then after the appointment, I lost my mucous plug and had some bleeding.

I don't know if it's an infertility thing, but seeing bright red blood in the toilet FREAKED me out. My mind immediately went to a bad place. Even though i JUST saw the baby. I know I'm going to have palpitations for the rest of the day every time i go to the bathroom.

We also had a quickie ultrasound to check the fluid levels. Dr Loh said it's not uncommon for IVF pregnancies to have fluid issues towards the end - but my fluid pockets were all great. I may not be able to get pregnant, but my body loves BEING pregnant. Now if only I could get these contractions I've been having to actually stay regular instead of petering out all the time!

And even better than all of that news... i lost another pound. So, now it's 19 pounds for 39 weeks. THAT couldn't make me happier. I'm still well within my goal of 20 pounds for the pregnancy, and that thrills me. Dr Loh and Mr. DB are both really proud of me.

So - we're pretty much at the end. I'm ready. But as ready as I am, I can't help but think about after... i think i'm really going to miss being pregnant. I never thought I would love having a giant santa belly and watching it jiggle like the ocean. Yeah - i hate the back/hip/leg pain, and not being able to get up by myself, but I love this closeness and the feelings that only I can feel. In a couple of weeks this baby goes from being mine to being everybody's.

I can't believe how fast this has gone or how close I am.

Beta #1= Success!

I just got a call from our nurse at the RE's office.

Beta #1 (9dp5dt)= 152! That is a fantastic number. I go back in 2 days to see if it is doubling correctly.

I actually got my BFP at 5dp5dt on an HPT. I decided to test early since that was really the only normal thing I get to do during an IVF cycle, and I was dying to know if I was PG. I tested out my trigger and it had been out for about 4 days. I got a BFN the morning before my BFP.

I woke Mr. Sassy Bud up to tell him and he said "Yayyy! Can I go back to sleep now?" To be fair, it was 3am. I was up getting ready for a football trip we were going on and he still had another 45 minutes to sleep. I thought his reaction was cute.

I am so thankful that I have had a perfect IVF cycle so far, minus getting very sick during the first week of stims. After 22 months, I can finally say, I am pregnant!

More Doors Closed...

Happy Holidays everyone! It is December 1, and I can hardly believe that it is almost time to ring in 2011. I know that December will go by in a blur, and I am just trying to take it one day at a time. It has been a rough few weeks, but we did have a nice Thanksgiving and a nice much needed break from reality.

I had a week off from work over the holiday. My in laws came into town, so as much as it is fun to have visitors over the holidays, it still was VERY busy and I felt very depressed at times. But, I worked through it and got over the bumps in the road. The saddest thing was AF's arrival the day after Thanksgiving. It is always hard to see her come, even though I know she is expected. She has been coming with a vengeance recently, and it is so hard to get through the first couple of days once she arrives.

The next thing that has been hard is being turned away by the adoption agency that we thought we would be using. I finally received the application and I read over it carefully. They kept stressing how they only work with "born again Christians" and those of Evangelical faith. So, before I even began filling out the app I contacted the case manager to ensure we qualified. Nope. We don't. I guess being Catholic doesn't have its perks right now. The sad thing about this is that this agency had a really reasonable fee (it was based off of 10% of your income), and that was a huge factor for us in working with them.

So, now I am back to square one. The agency we really love that we met with this summer has a high price tag, and we just don't know if we can swing that. Well, we CAN, but it is going to be tough and we are scared to take that plunge. I want to go ahead and sign with the agency, so that we can actually go ahead and apply for grants (most require you to have signed with an agency or have a home study done already), and Mr. JB is weary because of the money involved.

Any suggestions from my BB family?

Thanks for listening.

~June Bud

Guess who came to visit??

Aunt Flo! And right on schedule... Which is a good thing, I guess. For as irregular as I have been my entire life, it's great to know that things are sorta working in here! But I really must mention... My cramps are horrendous!!!!! Like I can barely function from how bad my pains are :-/ I already took 3 advils and am hoping they will go away. Ugh! This is terrible!

So yeah, I have some updates... we have pushed back our TTC window to March, which sucks!!!!! But we have a good reason... Mr DBuds company got Aflac which begins on January 1st. They have good benefits for Maternity and stuff, so it works out. The only bad thing is that we have to hold off a bit so we can benefit from the benefits :) I guess it's good in a few ways because I will be getting myself checked out (made my first Dr's appointment to get referred to an RE), and we can have more time to save some money, etc.

But right now, my cramps are so bad that I have to end my short post here. I will be around later when I compose myself...

See ya later!