Let the wait begin!

Wednesday's monitoring appointment was a bit better. My follies grew to: 18, 14, 13, 13. One dropped off so they didn't even tell me the measurement. My E2 took a nice leap to around 350 which they were very pleased with. The nurse told me that it indicated that there *could* be more than one egg. That would make me happy because I was a bit bummed at only one good follicle.

They had me trigger Wednesday night at 7pm. I shoved a bag of frozen corn down my pants to numb that butt cheek good and cold. Mr. Sunflower Bud seemed to really enjoy doing that shot. I only cried just a little bit. :) I am so not a needle person at all.

I'm hoping that the 14mm follie caught up to maturity by ovulation. I'm having cramping pains on both sides so hopefully that is a great sign of ovulation on both sides. The 18 was on the right and the 14 was on the left.

Thursday morning was the second post coital. This test was not good. My cervical mucous was much better than it was on Tuesday. Dr. P said it was clear and flowing and he was very pleased with it. However... the majority of DH's sperm were not swimming around freely. Instead they were staying in one place just shaking like they had been electrocuted or having a seizure. Dr. P let me see this under the scope and it was the weirdest thing. Mr. Sunflower Bud's sperm analysis was "donor quality" so we were perplexed by this. Dr. P believes that one of us has a sperm antibody that is causing the sperm to react this way. He estimated that only around 10% of the sperm on the slide were actually swimming properly.

So... our chances for this cycle working are much lower than we anticipated. We're giving it our all with sex twice a day until Saturday but we're really just kind of looking at it as a learning cycle. They will be better able to adjust my dosage of Follistim next cycle now that we now I need to start out at a more aggressive dose since I didn't respond very well to the lower dose this cycle.

We're also scheduled for IBT testing to determine if one of us has the sperm antibody. Mr. Sunflower Bud has to have another SA since it's been a year since his last one and they are also going to do infection testing on him as well.

Going forward, Dr. P said that we will go straight to IUI and will not consider TI anymore due to the "shaking sperm" problem.

As is in my nature... I've already started testing out the trigger because I just enjoy seeing 2 lines on a test. Already getting lighter, yay! Hopefully it won't last the whole 10 days.

Unmotivated Bud is Unmotivated

My chart is behaving a bit oddly. My temps are a good bit higher than they normally are this early in the cycle, but the hills and valleys thing looks only too familiar, so, you know, whatever.

Right now, my motivation to temp and chart is falling off the proverbial deep end. It's not that I'm giving up. Not even close. I'm just finding myself waking up in the morning and forgetting to temp, and then saying "oh well. I'll temp tomorrow." Or, like I did this morning, waking up at 7:30, rolling this way and that (because if I ignore the fact that its morning, it can stay bedtime, right? Right?), and probably completely muddling my temp. So I'm not really sure that my temps are incredibly accurate, but CM doesn't lie, and there is no way I'm ovulating any time soon.

A few firsts this cycle:

Vitex: I can't be sure if it's doing its job or not, though my sex drive is lower than normal and I've heard that's a pretty common side effect. Affect? Effect?

OPK's: Started those on Tuesday. A little early, perhaps, but I have forty of them and I don't want to miss the elusive surge. Illusive? Elusive?

NaNoWriMo: I'm participating this month. I don't think that has anything to do with my fertility, but it's still pretty nifty, I think.

Trying to force myself into motivation,

Last Ultrasound for a While

I had a repeat ultrasound today to make sure the cytotec had done its job earlier this week. There was still a little fluid in the uterine cavity, but the doc wasn't concerned and told me that at this point, I should expect wonky bleeding--I may spot for another few weeks, or the spotting may taper off. Apparently I should also expect my period in the next 4-5 weeks.

I liked the doctor I saw today--he told me that because they had confirmed I didn't have an ectopic and wasn't having any complications as a result of the miscarriage, I should hold off on having betas drawn and just test at home with an HPT in another few weeks (if that was something I'd be comfortable with). I realized while I was waiting for my appointment today that I have had six doctor's appointments since October 20 (16 days--5 pg/mc related, 1 LEEP/pap related). Plus another appointment scheduled for Monday. Two thumbs up for no more blood draws or ultrasounds for a little while!

Physically, I'm feeling pretty fine. I've picked up my running again, and it's going pretty well. My bloating has disappeared for the most part--now I'm just left with the same extra 5-10 pounds I wanted to lose before getting pregnant the first time. So it's time to lose them! In an ideal world, that number would be closer to 10, but it's tough for me to lose much while marathon training. So I'm really looking for a flatter stomach and my clothes fitting better.

Emotionally, I'm doing better. I haven't cried yet this week, and while I still think about the m/c every day, it's getting easier. After I left my appointment this morning, I got really sad to think that I would have been 10 weeks today, but it was more of an acceptance/sadness than an angry/upset sadness. It was also upsetting to see my diagnosis as "Completed Abortion." I'm now 100% behind anyone who says the terminology associated with miscarriage needs to be changed to something more sensitive/culturally competent.

Mr. Magnolia Bud and I have started talking about two big things. When we want to try again, and what level of care we're comfortable with when we do get pregnant again. If it's o.k. with the midwife, we're going to start trying next cycle (or as soon as they clear us). I also think that we are going to stay with the birth center and midwives for early pregnancy care the next time I get pregnant. We are going to give TTC a few cycles more on our own before pressing for testing, but if I'm not pregnant again by my January cycle, I'm going to be requesting testing and treatment (only if warranted, of course) for luteal phase defect.

I read a great article at inciid.org this week (link here) about luteal phase defect, and while I've suspected I have LPD for several cycles (luteal phases of 8/8/9/8 days, chart link on sidebar), it was interesting to read about the three potential causes of LPD. I know that there's no way to tell what the cause of my miscarriage was, but with my short luteal phase, I feel like something might be wrong (that can be treated). For the time being, I'll start taking Vitex along with my other supplements.

Hope you all have a great week. Lots of love and sticky baby dust to all!

-Magnolia Bud

Adoption Series Chapter 3

It did not seem to take long at all...the results of the DNA testing for lil JB's birth father came back all too quickly. There was a 99.99999 something % chance that he was his father. Now we knew. Where was this man? Well, he was in jail. We soon found out that he had been in jail more years than he had been out in his lifetime. He was in his early forties, and a life of crime was basically what he had led. We breathed a sigh of relief, because in all reality...how could a man in jail parent this darling child? Apparently, we spoke too soon.

It was not long before our case manager was calling us to tell us that lil JB had a grandmother in NY. A grandmother that worked full time, had her own apartment, and had raised three children. Well, in all actuality, I believe she raised TWO children, because lil JB's birth father had not ended up anywhere but in jail. But, she was blood and the foster care system always feel it is best for a child to be with his parents and if he cannot be with his parents, then a suitable relative or non relative. The fight began.

The case manager stated that they would have to look into her as a possible placement. This could take up to a year to determine if she was a suitable place for him to be placed, because they would have to submit paperwork through the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. It didn't matter that he was a special needs child (black and under the age of five), it still took time. The other thing the grandmother would have to do per NY state law, was become a licensed foster parent. This all seemed so far out of reach, but the state expects the agency to look into this. They must exhaust all arenas. At this point it was about February of 2007. We were feeling deflated. We were scared. We just wanted lil JB to be here with us, forever. We knew it would be a long battle.

The next thing that happened was his grandmother decided to take a trip to Florida. With her nephew in tow, she flew down here and visited with other family and friends in the area. Then the big bomb came...she wanted to see lil JB. We offered to the case manager to have her over to our home. The case manager felt it was best for the visit to take place in her office. So, on one sunny afternoon in late March, the case manager picked up my baby boy from daycare and brought him into the office to meet his grandmother, and essentially his cousin. We waited with bated breath.

My husband ironically (sometimes to the day I wonder if he really did) had a staffing at the case manager's office that afternoon. He decided he would pick lil JB up after the visit. The case manager asked him to come back to her office a few minutes after the visit was scheduled to end because she wanted to ensure that the grandmother was already gone to avoid any interaction or possible conflict. Conflict? Who us? Haha. Anyways. It just so happened that as my husband was leaving the office with Isaiah he ran into the nephew in the parking lot, who yelled out, "Bye Isaiah!" So, my hubby took it upon himself to go over and introduce himself. They got to talking, as the nephew seemed to be around our age, and apparently had a little boy back at home the same age as Isaiah. My husband offered for them to meet up down the road at McDonald's and continue the visit. The nephew agreed and said that he and his aunt would meet them their. So, off they went.

The visit went well, and my husband got along great with these relatives. As they were talking and getting to know one another, Isaiah played in the play area. All was going well. When it was time to leave, the nephew pulled my husband aside and said, "It is so apparent that Isaiah loves you, and that YOU are his father. I would hate for him to be taken away from you, when he is so well adjusted. I will talk to my grandmother and try to get her to drop the request to take custody of him. It just wouldn't be right. If we all remained in contact, I am sure that this would work out okay." My husband had never been so grateful in his life. So, now we waited in anticipation to see if the grandmother would drop her pursuit...

~June Bud

Another monitoring update...

Day 2 of monitoring didn't start out very well. Started out with a post coital test which was horrible. My CM was so thick that the sperm were stuck in it and not moving. This was not what my RE expected to see with an estrogen level of 168. I did have a very nice "I told you so" moment because I've been telling him over and over again that I have CM issues. Now he believes me. I love being right. I gloated for a good part of the morning over that.

Ultrasound showed that some of my follicles shrank and others didn't grow at all. I'm currently at: 15, 14, 13, 11, 10.

I was told that I was in pretty big danger of having my cycle canceled to poor response. *cry* I was in pretty poor spirits as I left the office and prayed for most of the day that my estrogen levels cooperated and would keep me in the game.

Thankfully, they didn't fail me. My estrogen rose to 240. Yay!

So they upped my Follistim dosage to 150 tonight. Triple my original dose! Yikes! Mr. Sunflower Bud is getting very good at giving me shots. While I was so proud of myself for doing 2 whole shots myself, I chickened out after that. He's gotten a more steady hand and it didn't even hurt at all tonight. And I had to have 2 shots instead of just 1, since I had to switch to a new cartridge.



I go back in again in the morning for another monitoring appointment and another post coital on Thursday morning. That post coital will determine if we will need to do IUI.

So more prayers tonight that my follicles kick into gear already and my estrogen rises a ton! I'm on day 7 of stims now.

Stupid Estradiol.

The nurse called me this afternoon and told me that my Estradiol level was very low for as many follicles as I have. It was only 168. She said that indicated that only one follicle was most likely functioning.

Naturally, I was completely upset. After all of this, we get ONE follicle??? *sigh*

They upped my Follistim to 75 for tonight and I go back in tomorrow morning at 8am.

We're also doing the post coital test tomorrow, which means we have to get up early in the morning to have sex. I haaaaaaate morning sex. UGH. I am so not a morning person. But there is some concern about my lack of cervical mucous. The nurse said it should definitely be noticeable by now and it's not. So here's hoping for some answers there.

Hoping for better news tomorrow. Maybe a nice spike in Estradiol and some growth of 2 more follicles. *crosses fingers*

IVF Update: BCP & Lupron

I feel like my pre-IVF cycle is moving right along!

I am on my 3rd and final week of BCP. The first few days I felt completely fine on it. Then I became an emotional mess for another few days. I think my body has finally gotten used to it. I feel totally normal now!

I started Lupron 5 days ago. Lupron is taken as an injection to my stomach. The first few injections were uncomfortable. The needle itself didn't hurt but the injection site stung for about 15 minutes after. I figured out that if I pinch the skin before putting in the needle and then let go of the skin before I pull it out, the Lupron doesn't leak out at all, which is what I think was causing the pain. Mr. Sassy Bud did my first injection, but he got home late the second night so I did my own. It was actually really easy and I prefer doing it myself. I never thought I would be able to give myself an injection so I am proud of that. I have heard some pretty nasty side effects from Lupron, but so far I haven't had any. I do my injection right before bed and feel totally fine in the morning.

On Sunday I go in for a suppression check. This is to make sure that the BCP and Lupron are doing their jobs. A few days after that I start my stimulation meds, while continuing the Lupron. I can't believe how quickly everything is happening. I should be all finished with my IVF cycle, including betas, by the end of this month.

Definitely responding!

I had my first monitoring appointment today. 5 nights of Follistim so far. I have 5 follicles. 16, 15, 13, 12, 10. The nurse said there is a risk of being canceled (they cancel with over 3 good size ones). I'm to do one more night of Follistim and go back tomorrow to see how they look. Hoping only the larger ones grow large and the smaller ones stay under 16. Still waiting on my blood test results.

My lining was at a 5, which she said was still pretty thin. They like to see at least 7 for triggering.

Since there is also a significant absence of cervical mucous, they may be doing a post coital test tomorrow as well.

So this is what happens when you make plans...my birth story

I had so many plans. Plans to have final lunch dates with girlfriends & co-workers. Plans to do some final baby shopping & some final tidying up around the house. Plans to enjoy the final few weeks of my pregnancy with Mr. Worry Bud. Plans to attend a close friend's bachlorette party on October 16th (they went on a wine tour earlier in the day & were gonna do pizza & movies at the bride's house, so I was gonna attend that part). We also had a final baby shower being thrown for us by Mr. WB's co-workers on October 21st. And I even volunteered to act as team leader for my boss who is going out of town for the last couple of weeks in October...we had just talked about it on the morning of Wednesday, October 13th & he asked if I was sure since the time I was volunteering to act on his behalf was only literally days from my due date. I was SO sure I told him..."there's no way Baby Worry Bud is coming before the end of October," I said. And that very same night my water broke & the next day, our little girl arrived!

Now that I've been a mommy for a little over 2 weeks now & things are starting to settle down just a little bit, I decided to finally sit down & write out my full birth story. This is gonna be LONG & very detailed {meaning TMI, reader discretion is advised} because I want to have the whole thing documented for me to be able to come back & read later on, so bear with me.

I went to work on October 13th & everything seemed normal enough. I was 36 weeks & 4 days pregnant...Mr. WB & I had started carpooling so just in case I went into labor at work, then Mr. WB would be able to pick me up & drive me to our hospital. But that day, I rode the metro (my area's local public transit rail - my job subsidizes the cost of it) because Mr. WB stayed home to telework (I switched my telework day that week due to a mandatory meeting). Now if you aren't from the a highly populated city, then it's important for me to note that everyone walks FAST to get on & off the trains and up & down the escalators, etc. So I got a decent amount of exercise in that day because I power walked in the morning & afternoon while commuting...not sure if that is important to my story or not, just my hypothesis, LOL. Anywho, I had a normal day at work, no real contractions to speak of. I had been having a couple of Braxton Hicks contractions the weekend before & that day as well. Not enough to be alarmed or call the doctor or anything, maybe 3-4 a day since the previous Saturday. I got home at my normal time - around 6pm & changed into more comfortable clothes. It was a really nice evening, so we planned to grill some pork chops that night. Mr. WB was out on the deck getting the grill ready & I was relaxing on the couch in my normal spot. :) Then, as I was watching TV, waiting to get started cooking, I felt this pop & gush around 6:45pm'ish. And I immediately stood up to get off the couch. I hadn't sneezed or coughed or anything, but I was in denial that my water had broke, so I just figured I lost control of my bladder randomly for some odd reason. Well, that was NOT the case at all!

I went to our powder room to try & pee & just see if that's what was going on. I said to Mr. WB, "The weirdest thing just happened to me..." He said, "What?" And I said, "I think my water just broke." Then he said, "Stop playing!!?!" So I told him I wasn't kidding & I made him come in the bathroom to check where the "water" was coming from (I had peed & then when I was done the gushing had not stopped - it would gush then stop, then gush again & I could feel that it wasn't coming from the same place pee comes from, haha). He checked & said, "Ummm, yeah that's definitely not pee!" So then he started getting excited & frantic at the same time, saying let's go to the hospital...NOW! I told him to calm down & then I remembered what my OB said at my 36 week appointment - she said if 1 of 3 things happened, then to call the Dr.'s office before heading to the hospital. One of those 3 things was my water breaking, so I had him call my OB instead while I cleaned up in the bathroom & then I put on a heavy pad & went upstairs to finish packing my bag for the hospital. I had never finished doing it! I planned to finish it during the upcoming weekend, but clearly that was too late! It was after office hours, so we left a voice mail for my Dr. & finished throwing stuff in my bag while waiting on the Dr. to call back. The baby's bag was packed already at least. :)  It's important to note here for all you other 1st time moms, I had NEVER lost my mucus plug or had a bloody show that I read so much about while pregnant.  My water just broke while I was resting on the couch with no warning. I did notice a light amount of blood on my pad that I changed once more before heading to the hospital, but otherwise, I didn't have any of the other labor warning signs. When my Dr. called back, she asked me a bunch of questions to try & ascertain if my water had broken & she agreed that it probably had, so she told me to come to the hospital to get checked out - not to rush because it was not an emergency since we had 24 hours to deliver the baby after my water broke to prevent infection.   So Mr. WB walked the dog & I put some food down for him. We got everything together, Mr. WB packed up my SUV & we headed out. I wish I had eaten something because once I got to the hospital, they didn't allow me to eat ANYTHING but ice chips. And I was SO hungry after a while.

On the way to the hospital I called my sister, dad, mom, Mr. WB called his mom & I texted a few close friends to let them know what was going on. I'll never forget that car ride. I think I was still in denial that it was happening right then. Mr. WB & I talked about how we felt about the baby coming so soon - excited, nervous, scared, happy...just a flood of a lot of emotions. So we got to the hospital & went up to labor & delivery (L&D) & they were ready for me because my Dr. had already told them I'd be coming in. They put me in a triage room (which was empty) to check me in, ask me some questions & I think the original plan was to do a test to ensure my water had, in fact, broken, but all the nurse checking me in did was take one look & she knew that it had. I wasn't in triage for long - they moved me to my labor, delivery & recovery (LDR) room shortly after (around 8:30pm), which was big & spacious. My Dr. came in shortly after to check in on me & we discussed my wishes during the birth. I told her I wanted an epidural, but not until I was at least 4-5 cm dilated. She checked my cervix & I was only 1 cm dialated, and since I wasn't really having any good contractions on my own, she said she wanted to give me a low dose of pitocin to see if it would help me progress.

The pitocin started working & it was rough - I mean ROUGH! Like the worst pain I ever remember feeling in my life. I was literally loosing my effing MIND. When I was about 2-3 cm dilated, I asked for a narcotic pain killer to help me manage the pain for a while longer before asking for the epidural. I was scared the epidural would slow down my labor, so I tried to wait it out. The pain killer they gave me in my IV (forgot the name) helped for like a minute, lol. It made me feel nice...between contractions, which were coming about every 5-7 minutes or so at this point, so I took little cat naps between them. The pain killer didn't work for long though. My contractions started to get more & more painful & closer together. I'm talking nobody touch me, grabbing on the bed rails, shaking all over, moaning in agony pain. When my Dr. came to check me again, I was close to 4 cm dilated & she asked if she could talk me into the epidural now & I said YES PLEASE. I had previously told Mr. WB not to let me get a epidural until I was at least 4-5 cm, so he innocently reminded me about that & I told him I literally didn't care what I said before, I needed this epidural! So the Dr. ordered it & it took the anesthesiologist an hour & a half to get to me. Apparently it was a really busy night for births, but sheesh I thought I was gonna loose my mind waiting on him! I was having contractions so closely together - about 1.5-2 minutes apart, so they kept coming while the anesthesiologist was placing the epi. I had to stay SO still, which was hard with all the pain I was in. Anywho, I got my epi around 4am & could only feel it in my right side at first & I thought I was gonna be one of those people you read about that still feel labor in one side after getting the epi. But my nurse told me to lay on my left side for a little while & see if that helped...it did, thank goodness. :)

It took about 10-15 minutes for the full effect of the epi to kick in, then I was all good. Numb from the waist down, so I didn't feel much by way of contractions after that. It was so nice to get a break from those contractions, whew. After that I went to sleep for a couple of hours & woke up around 6:30 am or so. My {new} nurse (they had changed shifts in the middle of the night) checked me & I was 9 cm! She called my Dr. who came in & told me that I'd probably start pushing in about an hour or two, so she told me to call my mom & sister, who were going to be in the room while I was pushing. I called them both & told them when to be at the hospital. By 7:30 am my sister had arrived, but my mother decided to go run an errand before coming to the hospital, lol. Just like my mom!! Ugh. Well by that time I could literally feel the baby's head on my pelvic bone. I told the nurse that I felt like her head was about to literally fall out of me, so she checked me & she was like "oh yeah, she's right there & your 10 cm, 100% effaced!" So she called my Dr. & told me to do a practice push, which I did & she told me to stop & not to push anymore until my Dr. arrived. She said that the baby was right there & ready to come with just a few pushes. By the time my Dr. arrived my mom was STILL not there, so she asked if I wanted to wait for her. My sister had just called to see where she was & she said she was turning into the hospital campus, so I said that I didn't want to wait any longer. I figured by the time she got there the baby wouldn't be out anyways. After a few pushes {about 5 min.}, my mom finally arrived & by that time I had gotten the hang of pushing. I pushed for maybe 10 more minutes for 10 seconds each time & she slid right out @ 8:10 am! They laid her right on my tummy & Mr. WB cut the umbilical cord. I cuddled her for a few seconds until they took her over to get cleaned up, measured, weighed, etc. She was so beautiful & cried right away! She got APGARs of 8 & then 9 & weighed in at 4 pounds 13 ounces & was 17.5 inches long. A teeny tiny little miracle - our sweet little baby girl!

And while they worked on her, my Dr. delivered the placenta, which I asked to see - [TMI ALERT] looked kinda like a redish purplish octopus, and sewed me up - I had a minor tear. The placenta was sorta gross & amazing all at the same time...my child had received everything she needed from me through that thing while growing away inside of me? The miracle of childbirth & God. Simply amazing.

After I got all cleaned up, my dad & little sister came by to visit & see the babe before I was moved to my post-partum room. And that's my birth story!

Although she was small & technically pre-term, she was really healthy, but had a little trouble maintaining a normal body temp & she had some jaundice. Due to her bilirubin levels/jaundice, she had to stay in the hospital one additional day for photo-therapy, which was scary for me & made me sad, but was best for her in the end. And I think it looked much worse than it actually was - I think she liked the warm lights & she did excellent sleeping under them:

 My poor baby! It looks worse than it was, she was pretty calm under the lamps (the nurse told me it was 85 degrees & comfy under the lights). It's just scary seeing your 3 day old baby with those "sunshades" on in that big incubator.

We are still adjusting to being parents & caring for a newborn is much more hectic than we both expected, but we are loving every minute of it! I am not saying goodbye just yet though, I still have a couple more posts in me - one of which will be What I learned being KU... the 3rd Tri Edition!

And for kicks, here are my final two sets of bump shots @ 35 & 36 weeks (in chronological order):

I Hate Facebook

How is it that every time I miscarry, as soon as I sign onto Facebook a friend of mine has updated their profile picture with a sonogram picture and everyone is all OMG! Congrats! Are you pregnant? Is it a boy or a girl? When are you due? I've had enough.

I'll admit, I'm bitter right now. In the past I have half-heartily written my own congrats on my friend's Facebook wall, but this time I just cannot do it. Come to think of it, in the past I have done a lot. I have shopped for maternity clothes with friends, bought baby outfits, planned baby showers and marked on my calendar when they were finding out the sex because I thought that I just had to get over it and stop being so selfish. Now? I just cannot do it anymore.

Please don't misunderstand - I am very happy for my friends, but right now the wound is too fresh and I just cannot fake it anymore. To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. What it comes down to is this: In the past two years I have been pregnant a total of 4 times. And all I have to show for it is an extra 30 lbs, saggy bubbies and more heartbreak than anyone can imagine. I'm starting to lose faith, and I'm scared that I will never be able to carry a baby to term.

Mr. SB and I have an appointment next Monday (our anniversary! what a way to spend it.) with a high risk pregnancy specialist. We are going to see what they have to say. Our old doctor, whom I still adore, has done all that he can for us. He did his job. He got us pregnant. Now we need to move on to someone who can keep me pregnant.

We have decided that if our new doctor wants us just to try again without a new plan of action, we will move onto the next. I think it is silly to keep trying the same thing and expect different results (also the definition of insanity, I believe).

But right now I choose to be bitter. I choose to hate all things baby on Facebook and I choose to cry in front of others. I have always been perceived as being strong, unemotional and on occasions, have been accused of not having tear ducts. I realize now I cannot keep up this act anymore. I need to start being real.