Egg Retrieval & disappointing fert report. :o(

We did my ER yesterday morning at 8:45am. I was a little scared since I had never been under anesthesia, but everything went well...I was literally in the operating room talking to the nurses, then the anesthesiologist told me he was administering part 2 of the drugs & next thing I know I was back in my recovery area. I rested there for a bit, then the nurse had me walk around & they discharged me. Before we left, the nurse told me that they got 17 eggs! I was happy with that # since my nurse told me that the average # was 10-20 eggs retrieved. When we got home, I laid in bed all day & let Mr. Worry Bud cater to me. :o) We were told to expect a call with the fertilization report today between 12pm-3pm.

Well, Dr. G just called me & here is my very disappointing fert report #s:

• 18 eggs retrieved (I guess maybe they counted wrong yesterday?)
• Only 7 were mature
• 5 fertilized - 1 abnormally, 4 normally

So 4, we have 4 embryos developing. I am soooo disappointed with this #s & I'm sure Dr. G could hear the disappointment in my voice, b/c he said that he knows going from 18 down to 4 seems very disappointing, but he triggered me a day earlier than he had originally expected to since I was responding so well to the meds & at risk for OHSS. I told Mr. WB that I thought I was being triggered a bit early, but that I figured that was the reason why - and although, I know just how dangerous OHSS can be & I'd never want to risk that for more mature eggs, it is still disappointing. Dr. G was saying that 4 was still good though since we will only be transferring 1-2 anyways, but I'm still upset. He asked if I had any questions, and I couldn't think of any, so he said he'll call me again tomorrow with an update. Ugh. This pretty much means that if this cycle fails, then I'll have to do another very time consuming fresh cycle (vs. an Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)). :o( I'm trying not to think of that outcome, but realize it's a possibility & still trying to stay positive about this. I know God is watching over our 4 little embryos & is seeing to it that they continue to thrive. Please, Lord...watch over & protect our babies. Please let all 4 of them continue to grow & thrive & allow the two best to be ready for transfer on Tuesday or Thursday. Thank you for all that you do for us. Please help us to be the one thing we want to be more badly than anything else in this world - parents. Please help me to remain positive & optimistic about our chances for a happy & healthy pregnancy after this cycle. I love you Lord, Amen.

Sorry for a bit of a depressing post, but I'm still pretty upset about the #s. I know God has a plan for us & our embryos, but it is difficult not to be upset that only 22% of our embryos fertilized normally. And now of course, I'm starting to think of the "what ifs". What if he had allowed me to stim one additional day? What if he did & I developed OHSS? What if more were mature & fertilized normally? Would I feel a bit more excited rather than nervous? What if this cycle fails? I know the answer is that we will try to immediately cycle again (& luckily, we did Shared Risk so we have several more cycles left), but still...ugh. How will I handle that? Please send us any spare prayers, thoughts, vibes - anything you got - that our embryos continue to grow & make it to transfer this week. And also that 1-2 of the transferred embryos stick & we are celebrating our BFP in a couple of weeks. Thanks guys for everything. :o)

Introducing...

The ET went very smooth! We transferred 2 4AA perfect blasts! Before the transfer Dr. B the embryologist (she ROCKS) sat down with me and went over how the rest of our embryos were doing. So far, only 1 fizzled out (the 4 cell) and the rest of our little munchkins are still growing and she said we defintely already have about five to freeze and most likely more. Dr. V came in for the transfer and gave me a high five (he ROCKS too) and said he was very proud. The transfer took no more than 15 minutes and they made me lay down afterwards for 20 minutes. When I showed Mr. Blessed Bud the photo he smiled. Thank you all so much for your Thoughts & Prayers and Encouragement! Beta is 2/22... and God willing Our Little Munchkins are here to stay...

Have a Happy Valentine's Day...

Chart Obsessing

I am hopefully entering another 2ww this weekend. My temps have been all over the place this cycle. I have some problems with anxiety, and it was in full force for a while last week. I'm sure this had something to do with my temps being so high. I woke up several days with my heart pounding out of my chest. I have no real reason for it either, just normal life stress. This is what anxiety has done to my chart:

It looks kind of like an EKG!

I was afraid that the anxiety issues would delay ovulation, but I think I actually may have another normal cycle. The other night, I actually had EWCM! I have not had any since coming off of BCP. I switched to drinking green tea instead of taking the supplements this cycle, so I will attribute my fertile CM to that.

I also got a +OPK yesterday, along with 2 consistent higher temps. I doubt FF will take into account my "high stress" markings for the beginning of the cycle, but I will override it if I have to. As a fellow GP'er reminded me, beautiful charts mean nothing. They are just used to confirm O and measure your LP.

I won't stop temping after O though, because no matter the outcome, I like to submit my charts to the gallery to hopefully help others learn about their cycles.

This is my 13th month TTC. Sometimes it is hard to stay positive, especially when others around you seem to be able to get pregnant so easily. I give a lot of credit on staying positive to Mr. Sassy Bud. He has been amazing through this whole process. He was ready for children much earlier than I was. However, he stayed patient and never pressured me to make the decision to TTC. He is always so encouraging to me, despite the crazy things that have gone on with my cycles since we started this journey. I feel very fortunate to have him in my life. I hope to be able to repay him by making him a father one day.

Last weekend I hosted the baby shower for my friend that is moving away. It was so nice to be able to give her and her husband that memory before they leave. She got so many great gifts! I decided not to have any games at the shower because they are not really my thing. I think people spend enough time eating and watching the gifts being opened, that it is not necessary to make them suffer through doing silly things. Apparently the girls that attended agreed with me, because they all thanked me for not making them play games! Instead, we gave a few gift baskets away by placing stickers under the plates. Quick and easy, just my style.

So, here's hoping my temps stay up, and AF stays away!

This is Killing Me

I haven't posted in a really long time. Mainly because this is killing me. This waiting. This hoping. This completely not-in-control-of-my-own-life feeling. I hate it. There are plenty of days that I am ok. Unfortunately today is not one of them.

I wish there was something new to report, but you all know everything already. We want a baby. We can't have one because DH was laid off, and I am looking for a better job. This has been the same story for months now. No change. No interviews. No sudden lottery win that would exempt us from waiting. Meanwhile, I have 3 friends that are pregnant, a sister that is trying, and about a million and a half acquaintances and old friends that have announced on Facebook, and every single time I hear it my head knows I should be happy for them, but my heart makes me want to cry, or throw something, or run away so I don't have to hear about it anymore.

One of my friends had a baby this morning. Her second. I want to go see her and her new son, but I don't know if I can emotionally handle it. I just feel beaten down, worn out, basically spent. Maybe if I sleep on it I will be ok. Things are usually better in the morning, and a lot is forgotten with the start of a new day, but tonight, I just really needed to vent. Frankly, this sucks.

Day 3 Report/5 Day Transfer is On!

I spoke with the Embryologist this morning and our Day 5 Transfer is set for Saturday at 10:00 am. She said so far all is going very well and that she is pleased.

Photography Credit

For multicell Day 3 Embryos my Clinic uses a grading system of 1-3 in chronological order and they reverse this numerical order for blastocyts on Day 5 using a grading sytem of 4-1 with letters (4 being the best and 1 being the worse) ...

Grade 1: even cell division, no fragmentation
Grade 2: even cell division, small fragmentation
Grade 3: uneven cell division, moderate fragmentation


Our Day 3 Report

12 8-10 cells Grade 1

1 6 cell Grade 2

1 4 cell Grade 3

Praying that all goes well with our ET on Saturday...

Decisions, decisions leads to $, $, $!!

Finding the "perfect" bedding for Baby Hopeful Bud has been quite an adventure. I thought I found it right away and I was so excited about how easy it was, but the fact that I kept looking led me to believe that the one I thought I loved, may not be the "perfect" one. So three weeks later, after sending countless emails of bedding pics to my sister and friends, I believe I have finally found the "perfect" bedding for our Girlie. It is way more pink then I ever thought I would get, but I love it, and I haven't looked at a single other option since finding this one. I'm thinking that if we paint the walls a light green, that the pink will be subdued a bit.

We also purchased the crib last week and it is ready for pick up. I'm a bargain shopper, but it is amazing how expensive things are already starting to pile up.

The one awesome bargain that we bought is thanks to my sister. She found a solid oak dresser/changing table on craigslist.com and we loved it. Being super creative, she has offered to refinish it for us. I'm so excited.

So we have the crib, bedding and dresser/changing table. The next purchase is the rocker/glider and then the nursery furniture will be complete. One to more details and decisions which will inevitably continue costing more and more money. She will be so worth it though!!

Take care and stay hopeful!

Triggering TONIGHT!!!

OMG, I can hardly believe I'm typing this right now, but I am triggering TONIGHT for my Egg Retrieval (ER) on Saturday! Eeeek! I'm a little nervous about how large the needle is, but I'm sure it'll be fine...just like all the other injections. I am hoping my sister (who is a nurse) can come over & do this injection - Mr. Worry Bud is a little nervous about doing it & this one must be done exactly right!

Photo Credit

Backing up a bit...this morning I went in for my fourth monitoring appt. & u/s this AM. During the scan, Dr. G said, "everything looks great & you may be triggering tonight for a retrieval on Saturday." I was like, "really"?! And he said he'd have to confirm by looking at my b/w, but to go ahead & sit down with a nurse to get trigger instructions & make an appt. for tomorrow morning just in case I needed to come in tomorrow. Well, I got my instructions & made my appt. & the front desk lady said, "okay, see you tomorrow." And I said, "actually, hopefully you won't see me tomorrow :o)" & she laughed. The rest of the afternoon, I have been waiting on a call from my nurse letting me know if I am ready to trigger...she called about an hour ago & said, "I have good news, you don't have to come in tomorrow for any more monitoring b/c you're triggering tonight!" I was so excited, I forgot to ask my Estrogen/E2 levels, but here are my follie measurements from today's scan (my office only measures the largest 4 on each side):

Left: 18.5, 16.6, 16.1, 13.9 & several smaller ones
Right: 17.9, 17.1, 15.6, 15.3 & several smaller ones

I am still waiting on a call from my center's surgery scheduler for the exact time to trigger, but it's definitely tonight with my ER on Saturday. I have really been so fortunate this whole process --> the whole week of all my daily monitoring - out of work; ER on a Saturday with plenty of days to recover because Monday is a federal holiday! I think the Lord has truly been overseeing this whole process & I'm so excited about the fact that in a couple of weeks, we could get the best news of our young, married lives!! Please continue praying for us & sending any positive vibes you have our way - I know they make a big difference!

I Wanna Quit the Gym....

Haha remember that episode of Friends where Chandler tries to cancel his gym membership??? LOL - that's what my afternoon reminded me of....

Photo Credit

So I know what you're thinking - this girl has gestational diabetes, she's 33 weeks pregnant and she should be spending at least a few hours a week getting some exercise and she should NOT be canceling her gym membership. Yeah yeah!

I didn't really try to cancel my membership - I just tried to put it on hold for a few months. I figure it's starting to get light out earlier at night so I'm going to start taking walks after work with my two other pregnant girlfriends. (That should be a funny sight!) Also, once Baby GB is here I figure for at least a month or two I'm not going to be spending much time at the gym. They do have a daycare but I don't think they take infants - also, since it'll be spring time and I'm in LOVE with my jogging stroller, I'm going to try to make good use of that while I'm on maternity leave.

Anyway, I go in and tell the front desk girl that I'd like to put my membership on hold. She asks why and I explain that I'll be having a baby in 6 short weeks and I don't feel I'll be using it as much as I'd like in the next few months. She tells me that this shouldn't be a problem as they do it all the time however they will need proof that I'm pregnant. At this point - the front desk girl gets the SERIOUS side eye from me...

... said side eye doesn't faze the girl whatsoever.

So I say to her - "Proof?" - as I turn sideways showing her my 33 week belly? "Seriously? This ain't a beer belly lady!" She barely breaks a smile and tells me yes, they need a doctor's note and as soon as they receive it that they'll be more than happy to put my membership on hold.

Wow... I just laugh and say ok. Even my doctor laughed at me today when I called for the proof! She joked that I should POAS and bring it in for them... now there's a thought!!! :) I told her something in writing should be sufficient. :) tee hee!

IUI #1 = BFN

I found out last week that our first IUI didn't work. It's been almost a week, and I think it's taken me that long to come to grips with my emotions and to start feeling like me again. I will be the first to admit that I was a wreck. When I first found out Thursday morning before work, I felt like someone was standing on my chest and I couldn't breathe. I spent Thursday in a depressed fog, and then Friday became a miserable brat. I was mean to Mr. CB and just felt so sorry for myself. We went to Orlando to see my best friends, and had dinner at a friend's house Saturday night. When the talk turned to babies (they all have little ones around a year old) I just couldn't take it. I left the table, cried in the corner of the kitchen and then felt like crap for making my friends feel like crap.

Photo Credit

I am still sorting through my roller coaster emotions, but I think I am getting a better handle on how to stay positive. I think I spent so many months being ok with what was happening and getting through the BFN's without a lot of melt downs, but now it's caught up to me. During the IUI cycle, I kept thinking it wasn't that big of a deal, it was JUST an IUI, that so many girls have been trying longer and are doing much more serious procedures like IVF and dealing with worse diagnosis, like MFI or PCOS. I have realized that I can't minimize what I am going through, and my struggles and emotions are just as valid as anyone else dealing with a different stage of IF.

Our original plan was to take a few months off if the IUI didn't work, but of course that has changed! When I realized the IUI didn't work, I decided that night that I wanted to move on to the injectable cycle right away. I called the doctor first thing Friday morning, and learned that I had to take an injectable class before I could even start. So February was out. Right now, I'm signed up for the class next Friday, and my nurse is working on getting my medicine list and doseages. We are all out of pocket for injectable meds, so we are expecting to spend $1500-$2000 on the meds I will need. I can't believe we are spending so much money for something that may not even result in a baby, but right now we're in this 100%, and will do what we need to in order to bring home our Baby CB.

Photo Credit

We've also looked into acupuncture. I read a post on an IF message board about a woman who saw an acupuncturist and had significant lining thickening, so I figure it's worth a try. We're hoping to get in next week for our first consult. I feel like even if we don't get specific results in regards to fertility, it will be something to help me relax and de-stress...which I definitely need right now!

Photo Credit

Purgatory

In the past week I have found that I really am dealing much better with things, and in the last couple of days, I have actually found myself thinking that our next IVF might actually work.

Then I catch myself. Because I thought that last time too.

It's so weird. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel - but even though I'm gearing up for IVF #2, I still find myself just in this purgatory between IVF failure and IVF possibility.

It's even harder now knowing that this is all my fault. I can't blame the sperm anymore. We bypass the sperm problem by doing the IVF with ICSI. If the IVF fails, i have no one to blame but my shitty eggs. That's a tough pill to swallow.

And to add insult to injury, i'm just going to bitch about the BCPs, AKA devil pills, for a minute. I've been on them for 5 weeks, and I have 2 1/2 more to go. Last week I started spotting, and this week, i'm full on bleeding. Bright red, clots, fun fun fun. It's not heavy - but I have to use a tampon. It was too heavy for a liner. My nurse says it's okay - just keep taking the active pills.

Great - i'm doing IVF, I have shitty eggs, I have to be on BCPs for almost 2 1/2 months and i get to bleed for 4 weeks.

Ain't life grand?