Confession Time.....

I have a confession to make......

I am taking Clomid unmonitored.

::gasp::

I have debated outing myself publicly because I know people feel very strongly against unmonitored Clomid. But I figured what the hell, I'll come clean and document my experience.

I have been taking Clomid unmonitored since April but I had to take a break for the month of May (since I was out of town and away from H during potential O). I am getting ready to start another round of Clomid in the next few days since I am currently on CD 2. While I feel that this is a decision that shouldn't be made lightly, me, my H and my OB have had many in depth discussions (as well as hours of research on the internet) regarding Clomid and it's side effects. I feel comfortable with my decision to forgo the ultrasounds. The risk of OHSS is relatively low on Clomid alone and I just don't think that paying out of pocket for the ultrasounds is worth the added expense. I am sure some of you are rolling your eyes right now. And maybe I will regret my decision because stats don't much matter if you're the one with the negative side effect.

I was put on the lowest dose of Clomid and thankfully I had minimal side effects during my first round. Unfortunately I didn't get pregnant. The only noticeable side effect was painful ovulation, but it was nothing a little Tylenol couldn't cure.

So that's my big confession :) Nothing too major but it is somewhat of a controversial subject.

PB&J Bud :)

Goals Being Met

Each year I have a goal to learn something new and to travel someplace new as well which has pushed me to expand my knowledge and talents and get to see some fun places. So I am putting becoming a certified Doula as meeting the "learn something new" goal I have. I have been loving the library lately becuase I can get as many books as I want on infertility and also on training to become a doula. Maybe becoming a doula is my way of coping or deflecting my obsessiveness about not being pregnant or doing any IVF.

I think it is facinating to learn about the pregnancy, birth and postpartem periods of having a baby maybe it fills that void of not having one. Strangely it doesn't make me sad to be reading, watching videos or talking about birth/babies. I will definately be very prepared when I do get pregnant and get ready to give birth that is for sure!!

I recently spoke with an older friend that I learned she had infertility issues as well but was from Japan and started her fertility treatments there and the different experiences she had with the various doctors. Also how she coped with not being able to get pregnant and not being able to even hold a baby without her breaking down in tears. It was interesting to compare our feelings and how we react to the same issues similarly or differently. I think I like to push myself into the uncomfortable situations like going to baby showers, holding babies, talking about our problems and chatting about how cute everyone's babies are becuase it makes me continue on with my life and not have the focus be on Mr. EB's and I's "Problem". For me I am a happier person when I can push forward through the tough stuff and at least fake it till I make it on the otherside of being happy with my life.

All messed up

Today is day 5 of my new cycle and the last day of AFs visit (thank God). I was anxious for her to arrive so I can start a new cycle already, but I definitely didn't look forward to the symptoms. And let me say, AF came with a vengeance!!! The cramps and bloating were out of control. The upside was that I am finally not constipated anymore (I know, TMI, but seriously!). So I am glad to be on a new, fresh cycle. :) too bad my period tracker app is all out of whack now... :-/




My next cycle should begin June 30th... So I made a note of that.

Someone I know suggested going to the dollar store and getting the OPKs and PTs to prepare for the Summer ;) hopefully we'll be able to BD a lot... Practice helps ;)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Highs and lows

That's what it's all about lately.

I'm on day 23 in the hospital. On one hand, I can't believe 3 weeks have gone by already. On the other hand, holy cow I've been in the hospital for 3 weeks!

We've had some complications and even a scary weekend last weekend spent in L&D where they thought they might have to deliver.

My OB said I've passed the honeymoon phase where I was lucky to have no physical symptoms but that I can expect to have more bad days now. Today was one of them... I was so sick today with nausea, vomiting and a killer headache. Thankfully, I'm feeling a little better now.

I've had a few ultrasounds recently due to Baby SB starting to show decels on my NST's. My fluid has dropped from 22 to 10. This, combined with the decels, is a sign that my placenta is starting to fail. A wonderful byproduct of the pre-eclampsia. I have another fluid check on Wednesday and then next week another detailed ultrasound with the MFM to check growth.

They finally detailed for me what the main things that will mean delivery are at this point:
1. My urine protein level needs to dramatically jump (my last 24 hour urine test was almost 1,000; my next test starts tomorrow morning, if it is close to or over 2,000, we'll be looking at delivering)

2. Fluid level. It's already decreased dramatically but if it goes 6 or below, we'll have to deliver immediately.

3. Unable to control my blood pressure with meds anymore. We're nearing that point. I'm checked every 4 hours and 50% of the time they stay in the range that we want to see right now... but more and more they are dipping way too low or spiking way too high.

4. Bloodwork. Thankfully, I've remained stable on that front. We had a brief scare where my platelets were dropping but they spiked back up and everything else is in normal range. HELLP is something I very much want to avoid.

They've taken 37 weeks off the table at this point. We aren't likely at all to see that goal. They are starting to talk about being lucky to make it to Friday (32 weeks). We're still holding out hope for 34 weeks though.

Little SB comes home Tuesday. She's been with her grandparents in Canada for the past 2+ weeks. I've missed her something fierce and I can't wait to see her. She gets upset sometimes when we talk on the phone and finds out that I'm still in the hospital. Hopefully, she'll feel better about it when she comes home. I have lots of crafts, puzzles and games planned for her visits to help make her feel better about things. My IL's are planning on staying until June 15th to help out with her and the house so that's a HUGE help.

Here is the last ultrasound picture we got a few weeks ago with the MFM. Cracked us up to see him in this position:
For the most part, the nurses here are AWESOME. There is one that I don't really care for and I dread her shift. But the rest are a lot of fun and keep me entertained and in good spirits. I'm the only antepartum patient right now and they've all commented on how much fun I am and what an easy patient I am. I look forward to Antepartum Treat Sundays where I get goodies like this:
Today's treat was even better... it had tons of candy bars, popcorn, cookies, more Bath & Body Works stuff in it and some flags for Memorial Day.

My friends and family have been so awesome. My room is completely decorated with flowers, plants, balloons, pictures their kids have drawn and pictures of DD. They've even started a "card shower" and I'm getting cards in the mail practically every day and those are up all around my room as well.

So here I stay... chugging along... knowing every day I keep him inside is about 3 days he doesn't have to spend in the NICU!

And I leave you with my belly pic from last week... don't mind the mismatched clothes, I'm going for comfort in here... not style!

~Sunflower Bud~

Ohhhh, We're Halfway There...

(Image courtesy of http://www.thebump.com/ )

Half Baked, Baby!

So incredibly excited to get to this milestone. It seemed so unattainable before and now, here we are, halfway. Baby is also a freakin' melon for the first time in my fruit ticker, which is exciting and a little scary all at once. The ironic thing is that I can't stand melons, and I'll be seeing a lot of them from here on out.

Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day Weekend!

FINALLY!!!!

AF FINALLY decided to show her (ugly) face!!! It was about time :-/ and the cramps have already begun.

I am so glad that we can continue TTCing now that I started a new cycle. It really sucks to have to sit and wait for AF to show, not having any idea when she will.

I knew she would eventually show up, seeing as I even cracked open a box of digitals and peed on one. I wasn't surprised to read "Not Pregnant" on the pretentious little screen, but a part of me still held on to a gleam of hope. Well, c'est la vie! A new cycle has begun, and it's time to get in gear.

I am planning to start taking better care of myself, and hopefully improve my chances that way. Only time will tell if we're meant to be parents or not. We are leaving it up to the big man upstairs ;)

Anyway, hope everyone enjoys there long weekend!!! AF showed up just in time to slightly ruin mine, though in the end it's bittersweet :)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

So tempted...

To POAS!!!!! I am 21 days late, so of course that sparks a temptation to pee on stuff... I have been feeling slight cramps, and have been slightly constipated, but that's about it. I need answers!!!

So, as of now there's not much else to report. I hope to have good news soon about moving on with my TTC journey...



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Popsicles, anyone?

In another month or so, Mr.Planner and I will be transfer two of our own Popsicles. We met with our RE on Monday to figure out what had happened with our last IVF. We got some of the hardest news that we could get. Nothing went wrong. According to our RE, we had a perfect cycle up until our results. We were just the unlucky couple that fell on the bad side of the statistics. While our RE may not be the most touchy-feely man, he did do a good job to make me understand that nothing I did affected the results. Not the 10 hour days, not the stress, not the bad diet, nothing. That was very comforting. So, what is next?

We are moving ahead to a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with my next cycle. We have three embryos frozen, one of high quality and two of average. Our RE said that some embryos don't survive thawing, so we could end up from anywhere from zero to three embryos. Hopefully we will have two good popsicles to transfer come the time. This cycle is so much easier than the IVF. I have to take some estrogen pills to stop me from ovulating naturally and then I have to take some progesterone suppositories to help build up my lining. I don't have to have any injections or any surgery. As my RE said, this is our "Hail Mary" cycle. The chances are lower for a frozen cycle than for a fresh, but there is still a better chance than a normal couple (about 35%). I am trying to keep an open mind, but it is difficult. I am sure this will be as upsetting as the IVF if it doesn't work. Hopefully though I won't even need to think about it.

16 Weeks

Belly Measurement/Weight: + 2!

Physical Progress: My midwife says my uterus is just below my belly button.

How I am feeling about my body: I still feel really good. I did get sun burnt today along with an itchy rash. Sun burn + itching = sucky!

Cravings/Aversions: I love chocolate milk lately and still candy.

Energy Level: Tired today from my allergic reaction to the sun.

Baby Movement: Yes! Just a little rolling feeling, so cool!

Thoughts/Feelings/Emotions: Still enjoying this pregnancy.

16 Week Appointment Update: I got a blood draw today for neural tube defects, not because I have any risk factors but because it is that time. I am still anxious about it though. I think I will call Monday and check for results. We scheduled our tour of the birth center/hospital for June 1st. Our anatomy scan as well as a fetal echocardiogram (due to the abnormal NT results) is July 6th. On June 8th we are going to a natural birth "expo" type thing where there will be counselors, people who specialize in wraps to show us, and a bunch of other stuff. It is free through the hospital! Lots of exciting stuff coming up. Plus next month I will be half way done!

Names: Our boy name is Asher, we are still working out a middle name. We really liked Mia for a girl name but it is in the top 10 for 2010 and that is WAY too common. I swear I have looked at every single name ever and we can't find one we love. Suggestions are welcome!

19 Weeks

How far along: 19 weeks 3 days

Total weight change: +8. The 2nd Tri packing on of the weight has begun...

Maternity clothes: Pretty much all the time.

Stretch Marks: No, but sometimes the skin feels tight.

Movement: I'm feeling the little guy most times when I sit/lay still. Usually its rolls, occasional flutters. Still no solid thumps.

Sleep: Better than last week. Still up about 3 times a night for the bathroom.

Best Moment This Past Week: Feeling more regular movement and not having the stress of the week before.

Most Difficult Moment This Past Week: Nothing really comes to mind. In the scheme of things, its been a really great week so far.

Belly Button In or Out: Definitely still in

Cravings/Aversions: Food. Lots of it.

Symptoms: Mostly the appetite and our wiggly little boy. My feet are starting to get a little achy sometimes. I'm thinking their changing like I've heard some womens feet do while pregnant. Editing to add in that heartburn started up during the later half of the week.

What I'm Looking Forward To: DH being able to feel his son kick.

15 weeks: A light at the end of the tunnel

Silly Blogger.  Sorry I haven't posted in so long, every time I tried to log in, it would tell me there was an error, and after a while, I stopped trying.  I can't believe I'm at 15 weeks!  Even more unbelievable, after today, I only have 8 more days of school.

After school is out, I'll have about a month off, in which I need to do tons of things to start getting ready for baby, as well as many teaching related things. I need to start looking at registering, and all of the baby furniture/items we want.  Start thinking about names, looking at daycares.  The list is a bit overwhelming.  In addition to that, there is the school stuff - I have a 3 day training on drug awareness and prevention, and I have to prep a completely new class to teach in summer school this July.  June is just going to fly by!  In July I'll be teaching summer school.  Then comes August with more baby stuff, the 1st baby shower, a family trip to Niagara Falls, and possibly a trip up north with friends.  Oh, and of course prepping for the fall and my long term sub.  Whew! 


I've been looking for a check in list to use for myself, and for my posts.  I want to get better about keeping track of this pregnancy.  I finally found one I like on Buttercup Bud's posts.  I hope you don't mind me stealing it Butter Cup!


Belly Measurement/Weight: At my last appointment last Wednesday, I was still barely back up to my prepregnancy weight.  I think this is because I was overweight before, and the hyperemesis gravidarum.  Also, it wasn't until after we found out I was pregnant that I started the medicine for my thyroid, which could also be keeping the weight gain off, and keeping me at a healthier weight. 
Physical Progress: Baby is now the size of an orange according to the bump.  Everyone keeps saying that is so big!  Also, I'm in maternity clothes pretty much all the time.  I was lucky enough to get a tub of them from another teacher who had her last baby almost 2 years ago.  I'm so glad I don't have to buy all new clothes, just select pieces. 
How I am feeling about my body:Pretty good.  I like that I'm showing, though it does get a little uncomfortable.  I do have one stretch mark.  Of course I'd rather I didn't have it, but oh well.  I wish that I could stop throwing up, that is the one thing I can't wait to be done with.  Whoever said m/s stopped at 12 weeks lied. It has gotten better though.  I generally only vomit once a day after dinner.  Once or twice a week I get away without even that.  I'm hoping that it's better enough soon that I can get off the Zofran (because yes, that is still on the Zofran.) 
Cravings/Aversions: No real craving - but I have an aversion to many, many things.  Food in general most of the time. 
Energy Level: It's getting better.  I'm not as dead tired, and I don't even need a nap most days anymore! 
Baby Movement: None yet that I'm sure of- I'm hoping I'll feel some for sure soon. 
Thoughts/Feelings/Emotions: Just happy.  ^_^

Ridiculous...

I am officially 18 days late... Maybe AF went on vacation, or something, but I wish she would've let me know :-/

If she doesn't arrive in the next week or so, I am going to make an appointment with my OB/GYN. I've just about had enough.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

18 Weeks

Seeing as I'm 19 weeks tomorrow, I guess I best get this update in.

How far along: 18 weeks 6 days

Total weight change: +6

Maternity clothes: Pretty much all the time.

Stretch Marks: No, but sometimes the skin feels tight.

Movement: Yes. This week it started to go from sporadic (every couple days) to more regular (each of last few days). Mostly I'm feeling rolls.

Sleep: This week my sleep has been pretty lousy. Lets just say that worries about the amnio results coupled with a UTI equals not a lot of good sleep.

Best Moment This Past Week: Finding out the results of the amnio. Baby is a perfectly normal little boy.

Most Difficult Moment This Past Week: Waiting for the results of the amnio. Torture. The UTI also sucked, but not nearly as much as the wait.

Belly Button In or Out: Definitely still in

Cravings/Aversions: Food. Lots of it.

Symptoms: Mostly the appetite and our wiggly little boy.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Telling the rest of the family we're expecting a son!

Welcome to 3rd Tri!

I can't believe I am in 3rd tri already!

I just had my 28 week appointment. I'm now going every 2 weeks. Everything was great, except she noticed that my blood pressure has been creeping up over the last few appointments so she wants me to keep an eye out for any headaches or vision issues.

I am noticing that I am much more tired in the morning, and it's getting harder to move around with this belly.

We finished Brynn's nursery! Here's a preview of her crib (minus the mattress) and name wall.

We are going on vacation to Dallas and Vegas in a few weeks and I am hoping I don't swell up or get super exhausted while we are there.

That's about all I have to report for now. Everything is going great and I really can't complain!

AF May Be Arriving

So I just counted back to the last time AF came and that was March 12th so yep sounds about right a 68 day cycle!! I have been feeling like my boobs were a bit bigger and I have been craving lots of chocolate so I figured she would be coming or I was pregnant either one. Of course the more likely of the two is AF and this morning when I wiped there was a tiny bit of blood so she may or may not be coming or maybe implantation bleeding??!! Haa ha ahaa isn't it funny how we like to torture ourselves with maybes and hopefullies when it isn't true. Have you seen the show Pregnant in Heels? I think it is the most ridiculous show due to the Maternity Concierge's clients are so selfish and rarely seem excited or want a baby but of course can get knocked up without any trouble. The Maternity Concierge has been doing IVF to get pregnant and the first round she ended up with an ectopic pregnancy and they were starting her second round and she was feeling funny and they checked and sure enough she was pregnant. Now that is pretty exciting and it always makes me feel a little hope but that pesky negativity in me always reminds me they don't have the same issues as we did just the same IVF experience.

Oh on a positive note my friend who also needs to do IVF to have another baby wrote me and told me she is getting to start this Friday. I was soo excited for her but also a little jealous that she gets to start and I have to wait but mostly excited for her good luck and news!!

Results Are In!

Normal Baby Boy.

No trisomy of any kind. No neural tube defects. Just a healthy little boy on the way.

I can seriously not even put into words what a relief it was to get that phone call. Knowing that there is a decent chance there may be an issue with your child and then having to wait to find out for sure...its torture.

Getting this news is seriously one of the best days of this entire pregnancy.

I am alive :)

Hello all! How is everyone doing? I am doing great, Little PB&J Bud and I just got back from a trip to San Francisco. We had a blast but we are happy to be home. I took a charting break but I am hoping I made it home in time for O, which I am not sure if I did or not. Only time will tell. Argh, traveling only intensifies the stress of TTC!

Speaking of traveling........I travel a lot. I am a SAHM and I am very fortunate in that I have no restrictions of when I can travel (ie - no vacation time issues). Mr. PB&J is a Border Patrol Agent which means we live in rural Texas, by the border and far from family. I really dislike the town we live in (it's a dump) but it has been our home for the last 8 years and will continue to be our home for at least a few more years. Any opportunity I get I try to travel back to Florida to visit family. Both my parents and my ILs live in Orlando and I like to visit them every 4 to 6 weeks. Unfortunately Mr. PB&J Bud doesn't get to accompany us on most of our trips so booking travel around potential O dates can be stressful, especially when I don't O consistently on the same CD. A few cycles we have had bad timing because we were both in two different cities. Which has lead to a few breakdowns by myself.

And speaking of stress........I think over the last 6 months I have REALLY become obsessed with TTC. I have Googled every aspect of TTC that I thought could have pertained to me and in turn I have made myself one big stress ball. Not to mention the stress I put myself though with my POAS addiction. I was really causing myself unnecessary stress. I recently surpassed the one year TTC mark and I think with that I accepted defeat. Not defeat in that I will never get pregnant, but defeat in the sense that no matter how much research I do or how many sticks I pee on, the outcome will still be the same. I can't keep putting myself through the same heartache cycle after cycle. It's exhausting and it's not healthy.

Lately I have been trying to keep myself busy. I have redirected my attention to my old hobby of mine, photography and I feel a sense of relief. No longer do I dream about pregnancy or miscarriage. No longer are my thoughts consumed with TTC. I mean, I still chart, use OPKs, and have sex as often as I can but TTC is not ruling my life anymore. I try not to let myself become overwhelmed with my emotions but instead I just stick to the basics. I feel more sane because of it and a better wife and mother.

So that folks, is an explaination on why I haven't been posting more often. But stay tuned, I have a confession to make in my next post!!

.........don't you hate when bloggers do that?!?!........

PB&J Bud :)

15 weeks!

Hello week 15! Here is a little update on Baby Buttercup Bud and I:

Belly Measurement/Weight: As of my last appointment I had actually lost 3 pounds and am at 120. I have not measured my belly yet.

Physical Progress: I wear maternity clothes all the time now. As you can see in the picture above Baby BB is making him/herself known to the world with that bump.

How I am feeling about my body: Actually, I am a little embarrassed to admit this but I feel sexier now that I am showing. I also feel empowered walking around "showing" the world what my body can do. Pregnancy is pretty amazing.

Cravings/Aversions: I LOVE pickles, red chewy candy, slurpees, potatoes and bread. Not really any aversions anymore.

Energy Level: Way up from 1st trimester, I feel like myself again!

Baby Movement: None yet but hopefully soon!

Thoughts/Feelings/Emotions: I am so excited to be able to enjoy my pregnancy. The weather is getting nicer and I can be outside with the kids playing. We have started grilling again too, yum. In 4 1/2 weeks I am graduating culinary school and I am so happy about that. I cry if anyone around me or on TV cries. It is really insane.

That is our update, more next week!

Vitamin Woes

So I have been slacking since I feel like I am in limbo and have nothing TTC related to share. I have been taking my vitamins but Mr. Explorer Bud has decided that they just make him feel sick so he has stopped taking them the past week. I may just have him take the Vitamin C, Vitamin E and Zinc only and let the rest go by the wayside and see if that makes it easier on his digestive tract. I am sure eating healthier meals as well would help but that is a whole other story.

The other day I had a dream I had a baby and then I kept misplacing the baby, forgetting to feed the baby and all sorts of problems. It got me thinking that maybe I was pregnant since I was dreaming out it and all but then I brought myself back into reality that no I was just having a weird dream!! Hopefully when I do have a baby I won't be so careless!!

Other than that there is nothing new or exciting on the TTC front just lovely limbo!

3 BFNs and NO sign of AF

photo credit

This has got to be one of the WORST feelings ever!!! I am officially 11 days late, and there's still no sign of AF or a BFP. I think it's pretty safe to say a BFP is a bust at this point... I have tested a total of 3 times in the past 11 days. I have been having some mild cramps, almost like a tightness, in my lower abdomen area. I was hoping I would have an answer as to what is going on, but still nothing. No spotting, blood or a 2nd line.

I cannot go on with my TTC life until something happens... and THAT really sucks :-/

BFFN

That's right, IVF #1 was a BFN. Even though I was preparing for it, I am actually shocked. We had two very strong embryos, I stayed on bed rest for two days (RE recommends 1), I drank my POM, I ate my pineapple core, I didn't drink after first day of stims. I can't believe it.

As hard as it is, I think we are going to try again. DH wants to try another fresh cycle; I would as well. I have my WTF appointment with my RE next Monday. I am hoping to move it up. Last time we talked, the RE said we would do a frozen after the fresh. My problem with this is that while we have three embryos frozen one is very high quality and two are okay. If we couldn't get pregnant with two high quality embryos, what are our chances with only one? During this appointment, I am also going to talk to him about Mr. Plannerbud's low sperm count with all our procedures, especially the IVF. Maybe there is something that we missed.

While I am doubting that I can get pregnant, the back of my mind is telling me that it will happen. A quote a friend on one of my support board gave me the other day keeps ringing in my head. “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.” -Anne Radmacher

Inches Yes, Pounds No

So it's been a crazy couple weeks for me. Been trying to get back into the groove of things, but that's been a challenge in itself. With working, trying to work out and moving it's been a mess.

They, being the military, keep moving the things around with the move date and things we have to do.... which doesn't help cause you can't do anything until they get things straight. So we finally know where we are moving and now we are starting all the paperwork process. Then before you know it we will be moving. I hope you will be patient with me as I trying to make it through this moving process... :) pretty please.

So on to sorta good news on my progress. I haven't lost any weight, nor have I gained... so that is a major plus. BUT I have lost inches... not that I've measured myself, but usually when I put my pants on fresh after being washed they are tight... this time they weren't. Then I put my shorts on from last year that were tight... and guess what.... yeap they weren't :) so happy. I've learned you can't just go by the scale when trying to loose weight cause sometimes the inches go and sometimes the pounds go. I am happy either way. Makes me feel good.

The other thing that is sorta good is I think my AF is trying to start... which yeah I still haven't gotten. I think it is because of stress. Which is shocking cause I didn't realize I was stressed. I handle things pretty well and with my job (that most think is stressful) I feel it is a stress reliever. I know call me weird, but my friend says I just handle it so well that I can overlook the fact that I am :( and that would explain why I am so tired, run down, and perhaps why I haven't gotten my cycle yet. So I've promised to do something... like take a bubble bath or sit out by the pool every week... to help relax my body :)

Well, I hope you all are doing good... and if not I pray things will turn around. I have to catch up on everyone's stuff :( sorry. It's just been crazy and it will till I get things sorted out with this move and whatnot's.



photo credit

Wow, where do I even begin?

Well, I'm typing to you from my new home. The hospital.

On Thursday/Friday, I noticed that my swelling in my feet was more excessive than it normally is. Putting my feet up didn't help, drinking a ton of water didn't help. Even sleeping at night didn't help like it normally did.

So on my Mom's advice (she's an RN), I stopped at one of those blood pressure monitors at CVS Pharmacy. 188/82. Ouch. She told me to go try another one at another store because they aren't always accurate. So off we go to WalMart to try their's. 170/90. Still bad.

I felt perfectly fine so I didn't think it was a big deal but I called my OB. She freaked out and ordered me to come in ASAP. I explained that I was actually in another state visiting for Mother's Day. So she ordered me to go to the hospital there immediately. Off we went.

They checked my blood pressure, which was still very high, my swelling, my reflexes, etc. As of then, my urine was clear for protein, my blood pressure dropped a bit but was still very elevated. My reflexes were hyper which I didn't know was a bad thing and I had Clonus in my feet. I was admitted and spent Saturday - Monday morning in the hospital on constant monitoring. More blood draws then I can rememember, 24 hours urine test, constant baby monitoring, etc.

On Monday, they discharged me with strict instructions to go straight to my local hospital at home. When I reached my own hospital, my blood pressure had spiked into dangerous territory... 180's/100's. I was admitted and have been here ever since.

My 24 hour urine test revealed protein level of 500, I have extreme reflexes and Clonus and my blood pressure is out of control and was still spiking.

Official diagnosis.... mild pre-eclampsia bordering severe. (there's apparently no moderate, it's one or the other).

We've met with my entire team of doctor's from my OB office, the Head of the NICU and the Chief of Maternal Fetal Medicine has been assigned to my case as well. I'm not going home at all until the baby is born. This hospital is my new home until then. :( They are very concerned with how quickly everything changes and that a lot of my symptoms are actually on the severe range. I've been put on blood pressure medicine to try and regulate it, baby is monitored for an hour twice a day, daily blood work, blood pressure check every 4 hours and frequent ultrasounds to check on baby's growth.

Our ultimate goal is 34 weeks. The doctors think this is being optimistic. Realistically, they are hoping we make it 2 more weeks.

I'm not fully stuck in bed anymore and have a little freedom around my room. I can sit in the rocker and eat and read. I can get up and go to the bathroom or shower. But when I'm in bed, I have to keep the Flowtron on my legs which prevents blood clots. I have to report every single headache, blurriness, cramp, etc. Anything at all.

My VBAC is out. :( It's going to 100% be a c-section. But I've been assured that my recovery will be much easier than it was with my daughter.

I'm having a hard time adjusting. I miss my daughter more than anything in the world. I've only gotten to see her a couple times and she's very confused. My MIL is going to take her up to Canada with her for 2 weeks so that Mr. SB can focus on work and being at the hospital with me and to keep DD entertained and occupied so she's not scared and worried.

Today, I've had lower blood pressures thanks to the medicine and I've got a detailed ultrasound scheduled this afternoon with the Chief of MFM. I'm having a lot of dizziness and nausea from the medicine but I know it's all for the best.

The longer I can cook Baby SB, the less time he spends in the NICU.

Still no sign of AF...

SO annoying! I am officially 7 days late, and there is nothing I can do. I POAS again today... this time, the line took FOREVER to show up... but there was only 1 line, and absolutely NO sign of a 2nd.

Words cannot express how annoyed I am. If this cycle was, in fact, a bust (as it seems it was) it would be nice to know, so I can get on with my life, and continue trying to TTC in peace... but I can't do that until AF shows her ugly face.

I remember the days when seeing AF show up was a major relief... and at this point, it will be. After

being regular for about the last year, going back to being irregular sucks. The big one.

Honestly, I am trying to stay positive, and out of the whole "bitter" state... but I can't help feel like that sometimes :-/ I don't know what else to do. I just hope that when it's meant to be, it'll happen... For now, that's all I can do.

That and hope that AF shows soon...

Impromptu Anatomy Scan

I feel a little weird doing two posts in a row, but I don't want to leave people hanging after the last post.


Yesterdays appointment with a specialist turned out to be A LOT more than just a consult. I'm so incredibly thankful my husband was able to get out of work in time to join me.


Not only did we get a consult, but we also got an impromptu anatomy scan. They did a Level II u/s looking specifically for the markers of Downs Syndrome, but also did a general check to see how the little one was doing overall. Since I'm far enough along to tell if baby is a boy or girl, we got to find that out a couple weeks earlier than expected as well.


Baby BOY did not have a single marker detected on the ultrasound for Downs Syndrome. Not one. I was especially relieved to see the heart looked perfect given my previous experience with Downs babies.



However, since only 50% of Downs babies have detectable markers in ultrasounds AND our risk ratio was so high (1:10), we did an amniocentesis yesterday. That's really the best way to get a conclusive yes or no answer at this point in the pregnancy. Results of the amnio should be back in a couple of weeks. Yeah, the wait will stink...but I'm feeling so incredibly much better about the situation after seeing Baby Boy pass yesterdays ultrasound with flying colors.


The anatomy scan itself was pretty neat. They looked at everything it seemed. Head measurements, heart, kidneys, toes...you name it. I'm kind of bummed the images of the little guy sucking his thumb didn't make the cut for the CD we got. Also there was one of his little leg and foot that was precious that we didn't get a copy of either. Its really amazing to see how much he's changed in the last month. He's gotten a lot bigger and has a lot more meat on his bones. Finding out the gender was just a bonus, but we're absolutely thrilled. My intuition was right!


The amnio was nerve wracking, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. Once I told them we were going to go for it, they whipped out a pre-sterilized kit and got right to business. Everyone gloved up. I got swabbed down. From there they took the ultrasound wand and found where baby was. They got him turned so he was facing away from where they were going to poke and pinned him there by keeping pressure on the ultrasound wand. I didn't watch the needle go in, just kept my eye on the ultrasound screen. The needle prick didn't hurt much more than any of the bazillion blood samples I've given this pregnancy. It was kind of scary seeing a needle in the same tiny space as our little one, but they did really well to stay away from him. I'm under doctors orders to take it easy the next couple days and to go to Labor & Delivery if I have any signs of infection, fluid leaking, or possible miscarriage. Thankfully I've had none of that thus far, just some discomfort at the needle site on par with any other time I've been stuck.


This picture sums up how they did the amnio better than I probably did. (Photo credit: http://modernmedicalguide.com/amniocentesis/.)



Funny moment after the amnio yesterday: As they were decanting the sample from the needle into vials after the procedure was done, I blurted out, "Wow, it really does look like pee." Classic.

1:10

I had an OB appointment today. It was mainly just to check in and to listen to the heartbeat with the doppler. I also (finally) got my results from the NT scan weeks ago.

First the good news: Baby had a heartbeat and it was right on target for 17 weeks (~150bpm). Baby was moving all around in there. I also found out that that strange 'bug walking around inside of me' sensation I've had several times in the last week (and once at 13 weeks!) is, in fact, fetal movement.

Now the bad news: My NT results show that Baby has a 1:10 chance of having Downs Syndrome. To give you some perspective on this, based on age alone my risk was more like 1:400. These are not favorable test results. Based on what I can tell, the risk is largely going by the blood test results since the ultrasound itself showed no obvious problems (measurement was 1.4, nasal bone present, etc).

I have an appointment tomorrow with a specialist in Fetal Assessment. I'm hoping to have them go over the results with me, particularly the blood tests, to make sure that my doctor interpreted them correctly (she told me I was the first patient she'd ever sent for an NT Scan). Beyond that they will more than likely recommend an amniocentesis.

We'll likely go through with the amnio. I don't like the idea as there is a small risk of a miscarriage, but the idea of 23 weeks of not knowing what is going on with our child is even scarier for me. Plus if we are the 1:10, there are specialists who'd need to be seen to check for some other issues common with Down Syndrome babies.

Not going to lie, I'm terrified. My only close association with Downs Syndrome is with a cousin that died as a child of a related heart defect. I know there are wonderful stories out there, and I know firsthand the incredible amount of love Downs children have to share, but I also know that there are very real risks that come with it.

In the meantime, trying to focus on the fact that there is a 90% chance baby is perfectly fine.

Bittersweet Day...

First off, I want to take a moment to wish all the Mommies, and the Mommies-to-Be, (Buds and Non-Buds) a Happy Mother's Day :) I hope you all had a wonderful day with your Families!!

So, today was pretty bittersweet for me... As I told Mr. DBud this morning while in bed... This would've been my 1st Mother's Day... But sadly, it wasn't. We all know why. Still, I was happy to share it with my Mom, Mother-in-Law, Grandmother and other family members. It was a nice day, overall. But still, there has been no sign of AF, and I am officially...




I haven't bothered POAS anymore, but I guess I will try again around Wednesday or Thursday, when I'll be a whole week late... This will officially be the first time my period is late in about a year (not counting the time I got my BFP).

I think it's safe to say I need to wait this out and keep trying naturally a little longer (using OPKs and maybe temping again)... I believe that if by August or so things haven't progressed, and we don't get anymore BFPs, we will officially try and seek help. I just don't want to go crazy with the whole situation. Not yet, anyway. For now, we'll just continue waiting for AF to show.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Happy Mother's Day!

(Image credit:http://tinyurl.com/3k645g4)

I just wanted to wish my fellow buds and all those that read the blog a very Happy Mother's Day.

Whether you've got a baby in your arms, are pregnant, or are waiting for a BFP...Happy Mother's Day to you all!

I'd like to send a special Mother's Day hug out to those that have had a pregnancy loss as I know what a difficult day today can be. My heart is going out to each and every one of you.

Embies on board!

As I mentioned in my last post, I had my ER on Sunday. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. We did however get some bad news right before I went into surgery; Mr. Plannerbud's sample was low (just about 3 million) that we had to do ICSI, which our insurance may not cover. We had to decide whether we would take the chance and possibly have to pay $2500. It was a big decision to make when I was already nervous, but we decided to go with it since it meant a 75% of fertilization. That decision made, I went into surgery. They were able to get 12 eggs! We were so excited.

The next day or so I was uncomfortable, but Mr. Plannerbud was amazing. He waited on me all week and helped to make me as comfortable as possible. All of this was made even better by our fert report: 7 out of the 12 fertilized. We were very excited, and so were my parents. My dad kept telling me that he hoped the "kids were playing good in nursery". It is so great that are on board with all of this.

Three days later, on Wednesday, I went in for the transfer. I pulled out all the stops and had pre- and post-transfer acupuncture at the clinic. Mr. Plannerbud and I are hoping this will be our one and only IVF, so we are doing everything we can. After my first session, the doctor transferred two embryos; one was 10 cells, one was 8, both were considered high implantation potential and had no fragmentation. The nurse who was working with me was hilarious and had me almost in tears during the whole process.

We are now in the waiting process. I go in for my beta on May 15th. Mr. Plannerbud and I are going back and forth on whether to test before it or not. Hopefully my next post will my BFP!

As a parting gift, a picture of my possible future children:

No sign of AF or a BFP...

So, AF is officially one day late...




I went and bought 2 boxes of PTs, CB digital and FR, and decided to POAS (a FR to start). Result? BFN. Disappointed? Yes. Surprised? No. I had a feeling it wouldn't be that easy... And really, we didn't actively try this month, so I am not completely upset... we only BDed once around my supposed "O" date, and I haven't used any OPKs or anything either. It is what it is. I guess we'll wait and see when AF decides to show up (hopefully soon if she's meant to) and I will just need to start trying harder.

Honestly, I don't want to become obsessed with the whole TTC idea... I wish it required no thought or worry on my behalf... But it does. I would've been 17 weeks, give or take, this week, and it just sucks that I keep thinking about it. And what's worse, when having dinner with my cousins the other evening, I come to find out that my cousin's sister in law is pregnant and due 2 days before I was... Not to mention she's having a girl. I wanted to run into the front yard, dig a hole, and burry myself.

I don't want to become all bitter and mental, and I still think I'm far from that, but I guess we'll see what happens after we actively try!! Here's hoping...

To my fellow expectant Buds... I am very happy to read about all your successes... You all keep reminding me what this is all about :)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

20 week update

20 weeks! Halfway through this pregnancy! I'm shocked at how quickly this baby is growing, and how fast this pregnancy seems to be going.

We had our 20-week midwife appointment this week. We talked about going to concerts (ok), whether we'll be circumcising if we have a boy (yes, and got a referral to a mohel), weight gain (10lbs at 20 weeks, which is right on track), movement (my placenta is in the front, so it will most likely be another few weeks before we feel baby consistently), and birth classes (going great, we started on Monday). My uterus is about an inch above my belly button, and I'll tell you what--it's so weird to hear my stomach rumbling from midway between my belly button and ribcage when I'm so used to hearing it tell me it's hungry down near my bladder! Even precious Magnolia Cat looked at me oddly when it grumbled during petting time last night!

We also started childbirth classes on Monday. There are 7 other couples in the class, and we're taking an 8-week series focused on natural birth. The first class was great--we did some get-to-know-each-other exercises, did a quick relaxation exercise, and watched three birth videos. Seeing a placenta on video is not for the faint of heart! Everyone in the class is between 20 and 27 weeks, so it's nice to have a group of people going through the same things we are, at roughly the same times.

Hope you all have a great week! Sending lots of love and baby dust to each of you...
Magnolia Bud

16 Week Update

I figured now was as good a time as any to do my 16 week update. Lots of changes going on in the last week or so. Namely that the tummy is becoming more visible. On Easter weekend my bump was visible to myself and those that know me well. Now...well, lets just say that a stranger asked if I was in the insurance office to discuss maternity care. Made my day to be asked that (remind me I was happy to look pregnant 6 months from now, lol).

The last couple nights I've been having trouble sleeping. Namely whenever I accidentally roll over onto my back I'll wake up with my ute area in pain. I'm figuring this is Mother Natures way of telling me to stay off my back. Unfortunately, the theory I had of sticking a spare pillow behind me to slow my roll didn't work, I woke up in pain with the pillow next to me. I ordered one of those Snoogle things from Amazon (credit to them for the image). I'll report back to let you know how it works. Its gotten rave reviews from everyone I know in real life and online.

I may be switching back to my civilian OB. Long story short I don't have much faith in my one at the military hospital. I'm to the point where I'm nervous about their competency in such things as basic as interpreting test results and administering an epidural. I'm terrified of an emergency coming up on delivery day and them being unable to handle it. Right now we're just looking at financials to see if I can make the switch. So far its looking promising. I guess I'll update on that as well. I'll be sticking with my current care definitely though my appointment (office visit & doppler check) on May 9th. Not positive if I'll still be there for my anatomy scan at the end of the month...leaning towards not. Guess I'll update on that too.

How far along: 16 weeks 4 days

Total weight change: +3 (Lost a pound in the last week. Not sure how I pulled that one off seeing as I'm eating like a teenage boy)

Maternity clothes: Pretty much all the time.

Stretch Marks: No

Movement: Not yet.

Sleep: Just having to get up a couple times a night to pee. Last couple of nights I've woken myself up when I accidentally rolled onto my back. Apparently my ute doesn't approve of that anymore. We'll see if the Snoogle remedies the situation.

Best Moment This Past Week: Tuesday a stranger looked me up & down and asked if I was asking specifically about maternity care.

Most Difficult Moment This Past Week: The lack of symptoms/movement and potentially switching OB care. Again. The nerves about my appointment next week are starting up as well.

Belly Button In or Out: Definitely still in

Cravings/Aversions: Food. Lots of it.

Symptoms: Not really much to be honest with you. Little bit of RLP today, but otherwise nothing blatant. There have been things like a big appetite, tiring easy and a bit of a bump though. Oh & skin tags are popping up like nobody's business. Joy.


What I'm Looking Forward To: Movement

Here are a few belly shots from the past week. They were taken near the beginning of the week in the evening (belly is a little bigger in the evenings).

1 more day...

Well, this is it... 1 day left until AF is due! I promised myself that I would not test early this cycle... I am planning to wait until AF is late (i.e. Thursday) before POAS.

At this point, it just continues to be a waiting game...







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A start of a new cycle

Quick update on me: Last cycle was a bust and I am not pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow with my OB to figure out the next step in the TTC process for me. I am nervous about what he might suggest but ready to move forward and finally get pregnant. I will be sure to post any updates.

Also need to apologize for my sparse updates lately. I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind off the setbacks of TTC. I mean to post, but when I sit down to actually write something the sadness becomes overwhelming. Basically I was trying to avoid my emotions. And I didn't want to depress people with my Debbie Downer attitude. It truly is not my personality!. But bottling up emotions is not best and I hate to admit that lately I have taken out some of my TTC frustration on Mr. PB&J. Poor guy. We had a heart to heart talk this weekend and I feel better about where we've been, where we are and where we're going. I have learned that I need to talk about my feelings so I will be posting more regularly. Today I woke up and felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. It's amazing what communication can do!!

I hate to post and run, but I am going to post and run. I have a busy day but like I promised earlier, I will post tomorrow with updates from my doctors appointment. Hope everyone is having a GREAT day :)

What a week, er weeks!

We had quite a scare after our NT scan last week, so I decided not to post until we got some results. Baby's Nuchal Fold was measuring 3.5 mm and the office where I had the scan done likes to see it below 3 mm. Luckily my 12 week appointment was after the scan so the doctor at the other office had time to call my midwife so she could give us more information.

Mr. BCB and I went next door to the office finding information on Google to make us feel better. We went into the office and our midwife's assistant got us and took us back to the room. She took my blood pressure, which was normal and my weight, I lost 2 pounds. My midwife Sarah came in soon after. She made a little small talk before she informed us that the doctor who read our scan results said that our chances of having a baby with Down Syndrome were 1 in 6! What?! 1 in 6?! My midwife kept telling me she was sorry and hugged me and I broke down. She told us our options were to have a CVS in 2 days or an Amnio at 15 weeks. We opted to do the CVS so we would know sooner.

Mr. BCB left the office worried, calling our immediate family and best friends to let them know and ask for prayers. Our friends and family were very supportive through the whole process and I think Mr. BCB and I became closer. So we banned the internet so we wouldn't worry more than we needed to in the time we waited for the CVS. We showed up for the CVS in good spirits. The tech who was supposed to check baby's heartbeat decided to retake some measurements. Baby BCB's Nuchal fold was measuring only 2.7mm. Had that been the measurement the first time we would have had a simple blood test and not been worried. After we got some more pictures of our sweet little baby we went to have a consultation with the doctor before the CVS.

Dr. F was incredible. She was very positive and answered all of our questions with patience and care. She told us the initial test, called a FISH test would just be looking at Chromosomes 13, 18 and 21 for those corresponding trisonomies. If baby had Trisonomy 13 or 18 we would have had to look at a D & C because baby would most likely die during or after birth. Trisonomy 21 is Down Syndrome and we would have had to make a a decision about that as well. Mr. BCB and I decided to move forward with the test.

Dr. F did the CVC transcervically so it was not painful. I had to have a full bladder and that was the worst part. Dr. F and her staff were funny and Mr. BCB and I joked with them the whole time. That whole office was amazing and I have a lot of respect and admiration for the staff.

I just got a call from Dr. F this morning and Thank God, our baby does not have any of the above mentioned chromosome abnormalities. Dr. F said that the rest of the results back soon but she is not worried because it is very rare that anything comes back abnormal with the other chromosomes. We are so relieved and thankful.

Dr. F also let me know that they know the gender of baby BCB but we are team green so she didn't tell us. I kind of wish she would have accidentally told me because I do want to know but Mr. BCB and I agreed to wait.

Other than that craziness I feel good. We are rounding the corner into second trimester, woo hoo! I am starting to get my energy back and I am happy to have a "normal" pregnancy. We have not bought anything for the baby but I am hoping since we are in second trimester now we can begin our purchases.

I still really want to eat, potatoes pickles all the time. Yum!

Here is a picture of my healthy little baby. I cannot wait to meet him/her.

12 weeks - NT Scan

Whew!  On Friday we reached the 12 week mark and had our NT Scan!  It was so great to see baby TB again, and get the reassurance that everything is alright in there. 

I cried again, of course.  I had been panicking the week before that we would get the the NT scan and there would be no heartbeat, but everything was good!  Little TB had a heartbeat of 167 beats per minute.  When we first started the ultrasound, the baby was wiggling around.  Then the tech had me go empty my bladder, and when we came back, baby TB had rolled over and fallen asleep.  At one point he/she even had the hiccups!  It was so cute. 

We were so happy all day, and sharing the pictures with everyone.  We haven't come out on facebook, but we have told our family and friends, and I'll be telling my students this week.  Eep!  I'm not looking forward to telling my students.  It just seems very awkward to me.  They all know where babies come from, and I do not want my teenage boy students imagining anything.  Yuck!  I'm sure it will be fine, but I'm just nervous about the whole thing. 

On a less squicky note, our first appointment at the birth center is scheduled for Tuesday!  I'm so excited to start seeing them, and another of the many great things about them, is they have evening appointments, so I don't have to take off of work!  Yay!

As for a 12 week update, I do feel like I might be starting to show.  Even the elastic pants I bought a few weeks ago are starting to feel tight, as are my bras.  It may be time to start shopping soon.  It's strange to think about, especially in light of the fact that I am still not back up to my pre-pregnancy weight since the hyperemesis gravidarum.  I'm still taking anti-nausea drugs most of the time, and I'm still throwing up about 3 times a day, but I think it is starting to get better.   When I do vomit, it's not as much, mostly fluids, and I am eating real meals again most of the time.  I can only hope that this will vanish soon and I can experience the supposed awesomeness of the 2nd tri without puking. 
That's it for now, hope everyone is having a great weekend! 

Mother's Day Delimma

So with Mother's Day coming up I have a dilemma that I am not sure how to handle. Every year that I have been married my husband and I take our mother's out for a special day of good food and pampering and a little gift. Last year my MIL gave me a gift as well and a cute card that went on about how even though I didn't have children that I was still a mother to my niece and nephews and such. I felt awkward and a bit sad because it brought attention, I felt, that I wasn't "real" mom. It wasn't too bad since it was just my mom and her in the car with me when she gave me the gift. She in no way meant it to be that way but I think she didn't want me to feel bad since she was getting a gift for my SIL who does have a child and felt she should get me one to? She is the nicest lady in the world but since she has known about our infertility issues she has been walking on eggshells I feel like and is trying to overcompensate because she doesn't know what to say to, is how I think. So here is the issue, this year we will be down in Vegas with the in-laws and the SIL's Family over the Mother's Day weekend for a little getaway/wedding that the SIL's family is attending (Sorry for all the long relational chain). Anyways I debating whether or not to call my MIL and tell her that I don't want her to get me a gift for Mother's Day because I am not a mother and I feel like it points out the fact more when she pretends that I am especially when it is around everyone else which is embarrassing to me and makes me feel really sad about the fact that I don't. I in no way feel sad on Mother's Day when I am focusing the attention on my own mom and my MIL because they were wonderful Mom's and they should be celebrated. I also hate when everyone has to be included on holidays just to be included when they didn't earn that title as a parent.

So, should I talk to my MIL or just let it go, she may not even get me a gift this year, and not make a big deal out of it?