My Butt Is Bruised and Other Ramblings

I only have to do the Progesterone shots every other day but man is my butt sore!! The first two weren't bad going in but yesterday's was painful going in and I had a big knot for a few hours!! I was checking out my buns this mnorning in the mirror and I have several bruises sprouting up, hopefully this will end in a pregnancy so that I can feel like this was all worth it!!

Being on bed rest is soo boring!! The days drag and I am waking up about 5:30 each morning and not going to bed till 11:00 pm. Sleeping on my back is for the birds but so is laying around the apartment. My mom and I did go and get a snow cone today which was delicious. It had lots of sugary goodness that made my day!! The good thing about staying in Panama till Monday is that I will only have to wait 5 days for the blood test. Being here still doesn't feel like I am done with the IVF yet but just waiting for another appointment.

So far on this trip we have run into 4 people that are from Utah as well and we have had a wonderful time chatting in English with them. It is really nice being able to talk to someone in your own language when you are in a foreign country!! They of course ask why we are here and most of the time when people ask I will tell them why I am here but other times I just say for vacation. I am not sure why I just don't tell everyone but sometimes I don't feel like explaining everything or I figure they won't be all that interested. I guess I am still a bit self-conscious about people's opinions on what we are doing and don't want their pity either. I am fairly private with my problems and don't deal with with people's sympathies but I have been trying to work on that since I think it helps me deal with the process and my emotions. Mr. Explorer Bud likes to joke that he shows emotion like a girl and I like a guy! It is true but since being married to him I have slowly been opening up and learning how to handle the expression of emotion. Don't get me wrong I still will rarely cry in front of someone or express my emotions with people unless pried to do so but I am way better!! The one thing that makes me want to share my experience is that I have heard lots of positive stories from people of someone they know who was successful and it makes me feel positive about our cycle or when I am able to help someone else out with more information about the IVF process or where to get information. It is always amazing how many people who are in the same or similar situations as we are and it makes me feel less broken and frustrated. At least I am not the only one in this lovely boat!!

IUI#5 update

Unfortunately, IUI #4 ended in a BFN. At first I had high hopes for it, since it was my first injectables cycle. However, my high hopes were dashed by having only one follicle and my gut feeling that the timing of the IUI was a little too late (we BDed the morning before just in case). Of course, hope is a wicked thing, and towards the end of my cycle, I started feeling positive again since I was feeling similar to the way I felt at the end of my 2nd IUI cycle when I got a BFP.

When I went to get the dosages for my meds for IUI #5, I was caught off-guard when the doctor decided he wanted me to have a hysteroscopy right then and there to see if my myoma (which they had been following via ultrasound for quite a few months) had invaded through the uterine wall into the uterine cavity. Unfortunately, this was the case, but the good news is that right now it is still only minimally invasive, and while I was told that I may need surgery to remove it in the next year, I was given the go ahead to continue cycling for now. If this cycle doesn't work, we'll do 1 more IUI (6 total) before moving on to IVF.

Today (CD10) I had a monitoring appointment. I'm not sure why, but I am feeling pretty good about this cycle! I have a few small follies on the right and 2 good-sized ones on the left (at 15 and 16 mm). Lining is 8mm. I am continuing with Puregon today and tomorrow night, triggering Saturday morning, and doing IUI on Sunday. I didn't get to see my E2 and progesterone levels. My extremely bruised tummy will be happy for Sunday!

Pretty Chart =/= Pregnancy

I wish it did. Because I would be KTFU! Last cycle I had a beautiful chart and I was sure it would end with a + HPT. Ha. Boy, I was wrong. When AF showed up at 14 DPO it hit me hard. Not only was it my first cycle after my Chemical Pregnancy (and there is a school of thought that you are more fertile after a miscarriage) but my chart totally lured me into thinking there was a baby in my uterus when in fact, it was empty :(

Minus the 14 DPO temp dive, isn't pretty? Well it meant nothing! My body played a cruel joke on me!

This cycle I am doing my best not to buy into the same baloney of a "pretty chart is a sure sign of pregnancy" because again my chart is looking promising.

Look at those high temps! They are well over the cover line!

Like I said in my last post, I did test today at 9 DPO. Of course it was a BFN :( I am embarrassed to make the confession that I actually started testing 7 DPO. And I tested again yesterday morning at 8 DPO. I know, I am an idiot. Something comes over me in the mornings and I become delusional. Some how I can convince myself that it IS a good idea to test, even if I am only 7 DPO. Are you rolling your eyes?! Haha. I have read on the internet about TTC'ers who get a + HPT 7 DPO and then I can't control the urge to test.

And I will make one more confession......I started using OPKs 5 DPO. My reasoning? Well, I wanted to do an experiment to see if the OPKs will fade into a + (BTW, there is no fading, just stark white OPKs). It still doesn't justify my delusional train of thought, but hey it didn't cost me much money to support my POAS habit. Thank goodness for internet cheapies. Or I would be crazy AND broke. Besides, if I am KU I don't want all of my HPTs and OPKs to go to waste........another weak excuse.

Is anybody else out there a POASaholic? Anyone? Or am I in a league of my own?

PB&J Bud :)

Final Medical Update/Follow-Up

I called the Doctor's office to follow up on yesterday's appointment and blood work. I found out that I am A positive (yay! No RhoGAM shot) and that my HCG level was at 1... Good news, I guess.

When I get out of work, I will pick up my prescription to help the process along a bit, so we can put this past us... At least one can hope :-/

Still, it's even hard to put something like this behind you when TheBump and BabyCenter keep sending e-mails about the progress of my pregnancy (which no longer exists), even though I updated my account to show no due date :-/ going to have to look at that again and make sure it has been changed correctly.

Thanks for the continued prayers and support, ladies! I really appreciate it :)




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Follow-up with OB/GYN

So after yesterdays tragedy (there really is no other way to put it in my eyes) I had a follow-up appointment with my Doctor. Mr. DBud accompanied me to the appointment for moral support, and so we can both get all the facts. She checked me out and saw that my cervix was perfectly closed up, and the bleeding wasn't too profuse. I actually haven't even passed much tissue, to tell you the truth - a bit TMI, but c'mon, it's a sit about TTC and birthin' babies for chrissake! ;) ;) ;)

Anyway, so we chatted a bit about what may have happened, etc. I mentioned

my first tests that I took the week before and how faint the results were, and we also discussed all the symptoms I felt leading up to the actual miscarriage. She predicted, based on my symptoms and tests, that one of 2 things may have occured... I may have had a Chemical Pregnancy or a Blighted Ovum. Either way, it was definitely a miscarriage, so I am officially going to fall under the "TTC after a Loss" category, and have to wait 4-6 weeks for everything to get cleaned up down there and for AF to show her ugly face before we can think of TTCing again. My Doc gave me a prescription for a pill that will help flush me out (I forgot the name of it right now, and already dropped off the prescription), but said I may not need to take the full 9-days. She also told me not to continue taking it if I felt that it was making me cramp too much and not too much blood was coming out. She also sent for some blood work to find out my blood type (yup, it has taken me 28 years to find that out...), so if I am RH Negative, I'll need to get the RhoGAM shot. But, the part that really sucks now is NO SEX for about 4 weeks... BLAH!!!! Me. not. happy. Mr. DBud. not. happy. either. It would've been nice if we could've "relieved some stress". Oh well...

I started wondering why this happened to us the way it did, and I can't help but wonder... being Catholic and having strong beliefs in God... did he do this because he wanted me to know that it IS possible for me to get pregnant, but that right now is not a good time? I mean, I have a big audition coming up i

n three weeks, so who knows? Maybe HE wants me to do that first... But one thing is for sure... having to wait until at least April to TTC again gives us time for things to happen, especially giving me time to see where my Opera career is headed (because of the big audition). I am glad to know I was able to conceive without much help, and hope that next time I have a sticky baby to take home in 9 months...

So, for now, I am not going anywhere. I will continue to post here and there, letting you know what's up. But I am sure my TTC Journey won't be very eventful until AF shows up, signaling a new cycle. In the meantime, tons of luck and baby dust to all my Buds and all the readers!!!!! I love you all, and am so glad you can all be part of this journey with us :)

Signing Off.....For Now

Its been a long time since I last posted. I kind of wanted to be out of the trying to conceive world as long as possible. I've been through a lot in the past 6 months, and as of right now, I am taking a baby break.

Gone are the days where I check for EWCM, wonder why my bubbies hurt and am peeing on every stick in sight. Also no more prenatals. And like Golden Bud said, I'm proud to report I can finally poop again like a normal human being. No more BDing to procreate, just doing the wild monkey dance because its fun again. And most importantly, not having my world revolve around making babies.

We actually had a pregnancy scare a few weeks ago. AF was MIA, I was exhausted and the teetas were extremely sore. We were scared. As the test line darkened, we both held our breath and prayed for only one line to show up (hi, are we 16 again?). Only one line did show its face, and as my luck would have it, AF showed up the very next day...she has impeccable timing (right after I shelled out $20 for a pregnancy test). Things have definitely changed in the SB household.

I may give this whole pregnancy thing a try in the summer, but as for now, I am signing off. Congrats to all of my Buds who are expecting their LOs and welcome to our new members. I will miss this blog and the positive impact it has brought to my TTC journey. Love you all!

XOXO SB

Embryo's On Board

My mom and I drove all the way to the Dr.'s office all by ourselves!! We were really nervous since this was only the second time to do it and the first without following someone. There is a huge three lane round-a-bout that we have to drive around which in Utah not that difficult in Panama a whole different story. We did it though and got a parking spot near the office and even got there early. We did get a delicious snow cone before heading out so I think the sugar eased the jitters and helped us get there!!



After consulting with Mr. Explorer Bud, my mom, the Dr., God, a few friends, and of course the internet I decided to go with 4 embryo's to implant. It is fun to get dressed into the surgical outfit then get taken to the dark room to view those little embryo's. It is like my own personal science experiment!! The four are all grade one and 8 cell so hopefully at least one of them takes. Then we get to head back to the "Operating Room" to do the Transfer. Of course I just have the little paper gown that opens in the front so pretty much you are spread eagle with the gown wide open. At least I am not embarrassed about my naked self otherwise it would make for a very uncomfortable procedure. I have the Dr., the scientist, my mom and the nurse all getting a good look at those nether regions!! This time I learned that I don't need to drink very much water for my bladder to be full, last time they said to drink 6 to 8 glasses of water so I did and had to let out my bladder several times because I was very uncomfortable! But the procedure itself isn't uncomfortable and is only about 15 minutes long. Then I get to lay on the table and chill out for a while which is nice.

I am supposed to be only sitting or laying on my back, walking no more than a mile per day, no hanging out in the sun, no activities that will make me sweat and don't get stressed. All easily done but it does make the 2WW a really long time since I am not doing much except work and home!

We have a Fetus!

Yesterday marked week 9 of pregnancy. That means the baby is officially a fetus! We're thrilled to have made it this far, and have gotten really hopeful since hitting that milestone.

Over the weekend, I noticed I was more energetic during the day. That continued into yesterday too, though I'm still not sleeping well, and am still bloated. Apparently I got a little too cocky, since last night about 7:30 (thankfully after Jeopardy was over!), I started to feel more sick than I've felt in weeks. Lying on the bathroom floor, dizzy with the sweats, groaning about how terrible I felt, sick. Thankfully Mr. Magnolia Bud was out with his best friend for the night, so I didn't worry him more than usual. About 10:30, I felt well enough to sit up and scoot into our room and lay in the bed. The nausea continued all night long, which meant no sleep for Magnolia Bud last night...which means I'm a bit of a zombie today.

This week, the baby is the size of a small strawberry (or an olive/grape, depending on which site I read). He/she is about an inch long, and the tail is completely gone! Touch pads on the fingers are starting to form, and the eyelids and ears are fully formed.

We're starting to tell a few people--just our best friends and bosses at this point. We're planning to tell our families the weekend after next, since our first doctor's appointment is the 25th.

We've been pulling out our Doppler every few days to see if we can hear a heartbeat, but because I have a retroverted uterus, we're not expecting to hear it for another 2-3 weeks at home. It's still neat to try, and since we know it's still early, we're not worrying about not hearing it.

We also bought our first "big" baby item last weekend. I met a woman who was selling her (used for less than a month) Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper, the one we wanted to get. She was selling it for half price, so we bought it. Mr. MB set it up when we got home, and it looks great! (And I know this may be controversial)--we covered the mattress and sheet with a blanket, and the cats have been loving it! They play in it, lounge in it, look out the window from their co-sleeper perch, and are having a really great time with it. For now, we don't see the harm in letting them explore, since baby's still not coming for 7+ more months.

Aside from a few (SO CUTE) little sleepers (gender neutral, of course), we've only been buying cloth diapers. So far, we have 9 Bum Genius 4.0's, 14 econobums, 24 newborn prefolds, and 12 infant prefolds. Over the next 1-2 months, we'll be buying several thirsties duo covers in both size 1 and size 2, to complete (for now) our CD stash. I know it's early, but so far I haven't paid more than 50% of list price for anything! I'm a sucker for deals!

On that note, I'll sign off and try to get some work done.

Sending healing thoughts to Diva Bud, labor thoughts to Flora Bud, and well wishes to everyone else.
-Magnolia Bud

It's over :(

Well, we just got home from the Hospital, and the news is not good... We officially miscarried. Happy Valentine's Day to us. :-/

After experiencing the spotting yesterday, I kept a close watch on my vaginal discharge. At around 5:20pm today, I noticed some heavier, brighter red, bleeding, accompanied by some brown clots. Of course, I freaked out and called my Doctor... She advised me to go to the ER. I got home and was accompanied by Mr. DBud to the hospital.

The end result? My cervix was closed shut, but it was full of older blood. They ran, not one but two betas and both came up negative. Conclusion? Brief miscarriage.

I spoke to my Doc on the phone again after leaving, and agreed to see her tomorrow afternoon for a check up, so she can take a look for herself and we can discuss everything.

I am absolutely heartbroken... I have cried and cried. I just want to bury my head in the backyard and stay there... But thanks to Mr. DBud, I don't need to. He stood by me the entire time, and was truly my rock. I don't know what I would do without him. I guess Valentine's Day for me this year was about truly seeing what I have next to me in a whole new light... And boy, am I lucky.

I will be posting another update tomorrow after meeting with the Doc... Until next time! Keeping my chin up :)




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Peak Day!

The "O Machine" says I peaked today, yay! The last two cycles it was two days off though, so I am pretty sure I haven't actually O'd yet. I am thinking tomorrow is the big day though. I have had all the usual symptoms, EWCM, O Pains, and increased sex drive (Mr. Buttercup Bud loves this).

I decided to eat pineapple core this cycle, so I am going to start that on Tuesday. I honestly feel really good about this cycle. I have been very relaxed and have not over analyzed every single thing. I am honestly relieved to not be temping. I was worried I was weird for not doing it but now that I stopped I am so glad I did. I don't feel like Mr. Buttercup Bud and I "need" to have sex, it became fun again.

Usually I am a control freak and I had a hard time not being in control my first two cycles. This cycle has been much better. I hope this is it, because I feel really good about it! A few of our friends are pregnant so sometimes I feel the need to "rush" things along. Alas, that isn't possible so we try and wait and wait and try.

Our two bud kids are so ready for a brother or sister! I guess nothing really new to report, other than I am anxious to be in the 2ww again.

Congratulations to Cactus Bud and Diva Bud!

-Buttercup Bud