Waiting for the Big O

I finished my 3^rd cycle of Clomid yesterday. I am so thankful to be done with those pills. I honestly felt like a crazy woman. Mr. Determined Bud left on Friday for a friend’s bachelor party weekend and partly because of all the extra hormones I bawled that he was leaving me. All Friday and Saturday I was in a huge funk because he wasn’t here. I am going to blame the hormones because I was truly excited for the guys and their weekend of fun. Last night after my final pills I went out for Mr. DB’s friend’s wife’s bachelorette party. We went out to a few local clubs and I was lost in a world I didn’t fit in. Don’t get me wrong I had fun celebrating her last week of being single but it made me realize how much I have changed in just a little under 3 years. I am so thankful for all the changes I have been through. I am so thankful to not have to be in the world of hook ups and dating. I am truly content lying in bed with Mr. DB dreaming and planning our family and future!

As for me, I am in the waiting to see if I ovulate. I get to start peeing on the sticks in 3 days. I always feel like I am peeing on some kind of stick either hoping I am ovulating or hoping I am pregnant. Hopefully this is my cycle; hopefully this cycle gives Mr. DB and me what we have been dreaming for!

IUI #3 part two

We went for our second IUI of this cycle this morning. The numbers were decent this time as well. 29 million total; I couldn't help but do a happy dance. DH's numbers have never been that high. However the motility was only 36%; I guess you can't have everything. Progression was 3 again and the total mobile was 5.51. Once again the technician said that I had tons of CM. Hopefully all of this is a good sign.
I have to call our Dr. tomorrow to schedule a pregnancy test on the 5th and even though I am trying to optimistic, I am going to ask what our next step is.
Fingers crossed!

5 Days Post Transfer

It is day five of the 2WW. Today is the last day that the embryo's should be hatching and starting to implant. By Tuesday they are supposed to be completely implanted and growing so hopefully at least one of those four are doing what they are supposed to!! I have felt some pinching feelings the past few days but I am not sure if it is the upset stomach from Metformin or implantation twinges. Hard to say unless I can look inside and see what is going on in there!! This is what a six day old embryo implanting looks like, weird huh?!


Photo Credit



Today was the Progesterone shot in the left cheek which is the most sensitive and I did a lot of walking, squatting, leg swings and this time there is not a big knot and hopefully no bruise either!! Tomorrow we fly back to the States!! YEAH!!

6 Weeks!

(Image credit: http://archive.energyfarms.net/node/376 )

I can't believe my ticker for this pregnancy is now on Sweet Pea. Never made it past Appleseed last time. I can't even tell you how good it looked to see an image I'd never seen before AND see it say 6 weeks. Awesome.

Not a whole lot has happened in the last couple days. Only real news it that I might have experienced my first real bought with morning sickness all day yesterday. I'm still not convinced thats what it was though. I felt warm (to myself, thermometer was fine) and was pretty nauseous all.day.long. No puking, but that doesn't say much as I have a really strong stomach. Is it bad that I'm hoping its the pregnancy both to have a 'sign' things are progressing and because I don't want to deal with my husband being sick? Woke up feeling 100% today. So strange how things come and go.

Hoping all is going well in there. This is such a weird stage. I'm past the initial excitement of the BFP, but it feels like I'm years away from getting to see Baby CB on an u/s.

Speaking of seeing Baby CB on u/s, I got news yesterday (after an HOUR on hold) about the status of my referral. Rejected. I'm going to contest it next week, we'll see how that goes. As a back up plan though right after I contest it I'm going to go set up my appointments(hopefully including the first u/s) at the military clinic. I'm pretty much figuring the contesting will fall through, and that way I'll have the ball rolling for getting things going with the new hospital. If there's one thing I've learned as a military spouse its to roll with the punches...the only constant is change. Why should healthcare be any different? *sigh* Right now I'm just trying to be thankful that regardless of where I go for treatment, I have healthcare.

Infertility Checklist

Crazy, sobbing caused by watching commercials: CHECK
Talking to your follicles to make them grow (hey, it works for plants): CHECK
Looking at IF sites during work: CHECK
Scheduling weekend plans around medication times: CHECK
Have IF related argument with husband: CHECK
Having make-up sex via a catheter and technician: CHECK
Being very excited about fertile CM: CHECK

Even though I have technically been dealing with infertility for a few months, it is really starting to hit me that this is not how normal people have children. How nice would it be to go out and drink a bit too much and BAM you're pregnant! Or how about have a few nights of romantically planned passion? I can't even imagine what it would be like to not constantly think about IF, follicle size, CM. What did I think about prior to TTTC?

Mr. Plannerbud and I are coming to the end of our IUI journey. We has first of back to back IUIs this morning for cycle three. My doctor finally appeased me and upped my clomid to 100 mg. It did help. I ended up with two giant follicles, 20.9 mm and 30 mm. Hopefully size does matter! The numbers for the IUI weren't quite as good. 16 million, 63% motility, progression of 3, 5.04 total mobile. Everything is average or above average except for the count. Since Mr. PB's SA numbers are usually higher, the technician thinks stress and pressure have a lot to do with it. Our RE on the other hand says he isn't concerned. One good thing is that I had a plethora of fertile CM. The technician had to clean my cervix off three or four times before she could see enough to put the catheter in. Hopefully this is a good sign. We have one more shot tomorrow.

I never thought I'd say this...

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!

We had our elective gender scan last weekend and I knew immediately when she got there before she said it. You couldn't really deny the shot at all!!!


I was disappointed at first because I wanted Little Sunflower Bud to have a sister and do all those great sister things and I really wanted to be able to get all of her adorable clothes back out and use them again.

Mr. Sunflower Bud, on the other hand, was over the moon happy. There have been no boys on his side of the family. There are 4 granddaughters! His brother and sister are done having children so we were the last chance. Seeing his joy was contagious. It only took me about 2 days to get over my disappointment and embrace the fact that I'm going to have a SON. I get to mother both sexes and that is amazing to me.

My best friend and I went out shopping at Carter's the same day as my ultrasound and Baby Boy Sunflower Bud has the beginnings of a nice wardrobe!


My sister went shopping the next day and bought baby boy a bunch of things already!


My next door neighbor, who is also having a boy, and I are going out shopping Saturday night and having dinner. I'm so excited for this!

Here's a couple more shots of Baby Boy Sunflower Bud from the ultrasound.

Sucking his thumb:

And a beautiful profile picture of my perfect boy:


~~ Sunflower Bud ~~

This is the point where I start to lose it.

10 DPO. I think this is officially the worst day of TTC. I am on the cusp of being A) pregnant B) not pregnant and/or C) crazy. Right now I am officially C. I will be finding out in the next few days if I am either A or B. According to the test I took this morning I am still classified as B. The test was so white that even if I squinted real hard and cocked my head at a 45* angle I still couldn't envision that imaginary second line. You know, that second line you desperately pretend is there to lessen the blow of a BFN? Or am I the only one who does this?

Photo Credit

10 DPO is the most stressful day of TTC because I start second guessing everything. Every twinge, every gas bubble, every yawn. It's all up for interpretation. And I am at the point where I can't distinguish how I feel. Am I nauseated? I think so. But then again, maybe I just overate at dinner tonight? And I'm kinda tired. But aren't I always tired this time at night? IDK, I can't really remember if I usually am or not. And FFS, I am sick of feeling myself up multiple times a day to see if my boobs hurt. The only thing I can conclude is my right nipple is sore. Weird. Does that classify as sore boobs? Eff, I don't know. If I weren't in my 2WW, I wouldn't be blinded by potential phantom symptoms and I could figure these things out.

And just to be sure that my pregnancy hopes are kept alive, my chart took a rather large temp jump this morning. If I am not pregnant this cycle I am going to be super pissed! And I vow to stop charting after O is verified. Eff that. No more being lead on by pretty charts.

So please send me all your sanity vibes/dust/whatever you want to call it so I don't lose my mind over the next few days :)

PB&J Bud

Scary Day Yesterday

Yesterday was the scariest day of this pregnancy. Started out normally (sick as usual). Before lunch, I went to the bathroom and just like I do every time I wipe, I looked at the TP. This time, unlike every other time, there was red blood. I didn't even know what to think. I was terrified, but told myself I had to hold it together and see what happened. So I gave myself an hour--ate lunch, drank some water, surfed the web, and promptly at the hour mark went back to the bathroom. I saw lots more red blood, went back to my office, and called the midwife. I don't know if it's a good thing that the nurse who answered remembered me from my last miscarriage, but she did, and she was able to schedule me for an appointment an hour later with one of the midwives. She also was able to send an asap ultrasound referral to the hospital, with the hope I'd get the call to schedule it while on the way to their office for my appointment.

Then I called Mr. Magnolia Bud, and just started sobbing on the phone. I think he only heard "blood" "appointment" "coming to get you." Looking back, I'm sure he was terrified getting that call from me. But he was great about everything. After I picked him up, we went to the birth center. On the way, we got a call from ultrasound scheduling, and we scheduled one for 8am today.

At the birth center, I had a couple vials of blood drawn, gave a urine sample, and then got called back to meet with the midwife. We talked for a little while about my history, and then she pulled out the doppler. We were a little surprised, since we're still considered borderline early for doppler, but went with it...and she surprised us again when she immediately was able to find a strong heartbeat at 160. We listened for a little while, and Mr. Magnolia Bud started to tear up. I was still in shock that there was an audible heartbeat! She did a quick pelvic, during which she didn't see the cause of the bleeding, and then we talked for a while longer. We talked about some homeopathic remedies for nausea and insomnia, including nux vomica (nausea), calms forte, coffea cruda, calcarea, passiflora, pulsatilla, and aconite (all for sleep). She gave me a sample of nux vomica and calms forte--I tried the nux yesterday, and it kept me nausea-free for a couple of hours, it was great!

Anyway, back to yesterday's tale. After she finished checking me out, she said she didn't see any reason to worry. She said it was up to us whether to keep the ultrasound appointment, and she told me that oftentimes, stress can cause obscure reactions in women--including bleeding. I told her what had been going on with my job (promotion, awkward work situation with the former director now working for me, etc), and she said to minimize my stress and delegate wherever I could.

We ended up keeping the ultrasound appointment for another fistful of reassurance. Bright and early this morning, we headed in to the hospital for our appointment. The tech was one of the ones I had had during my miscarriage, though she didn't remember us. She too was able to find a strong heartbeat right away at 174, and the baby was measuring 10w1d. The doctor said at this point, they'll keep my EDD the same, and my risk of miscarriage has dropped to minuscule percentages since we've seen the heartbeat twice and are able to hear it on the doppler. He didn't see anything that could explain the bleeding, so to be safe, put me on pelvic rest and gym restriction for a week after the bleeding stops. Since it's tapered off to brownish-red spotting, I'm hoping the restriction will be lifted at my appointment next Friday. So today, I remain at 9w3d, with an EDD of September 19.

I also got the bloodwork back--all normal, except I'm Vitamin D deficient. So as soon as I get home from my work trip tomorrow night, I'll be kicking back and relaxing at home for the weekend...with my new friends, Vitamin D supplements.

As a prize for reading the saga, here's a pretty picture of our little baby from today! (Head to the right, arm sticking up, legs toward the left):

I hate waiting

So I am unofficially in the 2ww. I had my peak day on the monitor along with O pains and EWCM I am pretty sure I O'd on CD14. That makes me 2dpo today, only 12 more days until testing!

I started eating pineapple core yesterday and I was pleasantly surprised. The texture definitely isn't my favorite, think hard, stringy celery, but the flavor is still pineappley. Hopefully this works. Mr. Buttercup Bud thinks it is weird, oh well.

I have also been staying in bed on my back after we BD and not getting up until morning. Hopefully that helps as well. DH has been really into making sure we BD a lot this cycle. I think my impatience has worn off on him a little.

Since I wasn't temping I cannot be sure that I O'd but I would really like a break from BDing. That might sound bad but it does get tiring doing it every single day.

I have been reading a ton of books on birth, the history of birth, midwives etc and Mr. Buttercup Bud and I are really hoping to use a midwife when I get KU'd. Luckily, one of my best friends mom is a midwife who works at a really wonderful birth center. When we get KU she will give us a private tour! I am super excited about that. I have been to the birth center many times but never really got the tour.

Random funny Buttercup Boy story: Me and Buttercup Boy & Girl went to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up my prenatal vitamins. Buttercup Boy asked why I needed vitamins. I told him it was incase I had a baby in my belly to make sure it is healthy. So the little guy walks up to the pharmacist and says, "We need vitamins for our baby!". Out of the mouths of babes. It was super cute. Hopefully he has some sort of intuition!

Hope all my fellow buds are doing well!

-Buttercup Bud

Mind Games

Sometimes its a challenge to stay optimistic about this pregnancy. Its gotten easier since passing the 5 week 1 day milestone last weekend, but its still challenging at times. Today has been one of those times.

I have had almost no symptoms at all today. I'm trying to convince myself its normal, I'm only 5 weeks 5 days afterall. I've heard that this early its pretty common for symptoms to come and go. Still doesn't stop my mind from going THERE. I think its pretty common for newly pregnant women to worry when the symptoms aren't there. Its taken to a whole new level though when you've had complete lack of symptoms be a pretty notable indicator of a previous loss. Its almost like a flashback that plays in my mind on days like today.

I had a good wave of queasiness come over me just before dinner, so I'm doing a lot better now. Thankfully.

Today aside, I've overall been doing better than before meeting our milestone. I've actually caught myself looking forward to things months down the road. Things like figuring out how we're going to tell our families (just my BFF knows so far). Every day that passes, I'm getting a little more optimistic. I'm trying my best to enjoy every day that I'm pregnant. I know how lucky I am that this little bugger seems to be sticking, and I'm thankful for that each and every day.

Still no word from our insurance. I called the doctors office to check if they'd heard anything on Weds and they hadn't heard yet. I'd just like to hear the verdict so I can move forward one way or another. I'd really like to get the first ultrasound scheduled. In theory the heartbeat is supposed to be starting in the little embreyo anytime now. I'd just like some confirmation that it is, in fact, beating. I'm worried that if I don't get something scheduled soon, particularly at the military hospital if I have to go there (its HUGE), that I might have trouble getting in.

Symptom Update:
Aside from todays non-symptoms, I've pretty much had bloat. The Girls have gotten a little more under control...which is odd...didn't really think they'd go back down. I've had bits of what I guess is supposed to be morning sickness. Thing is that I seem to get it in the evenings or middle of the night. I've been noticing the growth pains a little more frequently this week. I'm thinking its because I'm now beyond where my uterus has every grown before for gestation. Oh and a random observation from early this week is that I think I felt my corpus luteum doing its job. It was this dull ache right about where my left ovary would be.

My sleeping has been a DISASTER lately. Tossing and turning All.Night.Long. Overnight is when I seem to have most of the growing pains (do those have a name?), which keeps me awake. Its when the 'morning sickness' is at its worst (still nothing more than mild nausea). Its also when my mind races about things I'm worried about (finances, my job situation, the insurance stuff, us being 3000 miles away from our support system). Then when I do fall asleep I have screwy dreams. The one that woke me up from a dead sleep the other night was a dream that my husband abandoned me and the baby. I know he would never do that, I think its just my mind going into overdrive worrying about EVERYTHING.