Two Week Waiting.

I didn't really know how to prepare myself for my first charted two week wait. I've read a million and one posts about phantom symptoms, but I'm too level-headed for that. Or at least I like to tell myself that I am.

Today I'm 9DPO. I was relatively happy with the way my chart looked up until this morning. I had a pretty big temp drop, still above the coverline, but I'm ready to count myself out this cycle. I am cramping and I feel like AF is on her way. I realize it's pretty early to prepare for the worst. I think this is my defense mechanism. Instead of getting my hopes up, I'm being realistic and expecting and AF. That way, there are no let downs.

I had a fun day yesterday. I spent it with an adorable 11-month old little girl. She is the daughter of one of my good friend's sister. Yesterday was the first time I met her, but I must have a way with babies, since she spent the entire day on my lap. That was not good for a girl waiting to POAS! We had Chinese for dinner, and her mom caught me really off guard. She opened up her fortune cookie, pretended to read it, and said "The person directly across from you is pregnant." Neither her nor my friend are aware that Mr. Sassy Bud and I are TTC. I think my face was a mix of shock and horror until I realized she was joking.

My fortune was interesting. Last night I thought it may have even meant something.

"Good beginning is half done."

What a perfect fortune for someone halfway through their 2ww!

Ahh, well. Maybe next cycle will be better.

Be careful what you wish for.

Disclaimer: There are no pictures in this blog entry. I didn't write this to entertain. I cried almost every second I was typing. This isn't about being bitter, this isn't about being sad, and it most certainly isn't about trying to make people feel better about what we're going through. This is about life. Real hard honest painful unfair life. If you're looking for funny pictures and entertainment, you're going to have to look elsewhere.

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Be Careful What You Wish For

When we got our male factor diagnosis, I cried. I told my husband that I would rather have something be wrong with me, so this didn’t have to be on his shoulders.

What an idiot I was.

Since I was a young teenager, all I have ever wanted in the world is to be a mom. All I have wanted to do is to take care of my babies. Raise them and have the best family I can have.

Now I’m 34 years old… and I’m being faced with the possibility that we might never have that family.

3 weeks ago, I found out that our first IVF cycle failed. I knew that I didn’t respond the way they thought I might. I knew that our embryos were pretty sub-par. But I also KNEW that I was over-suppressed from the lupron. I KNEW that with a different protocol, I would respond better, and my eggs and subsequent embryos would kick ass.

Dr Z had other ideas. Half way through my stims, he became convinced that I had diminished ovarian reserve (DOR), AKA really old sucky eggs. He said that if this cycle didn’t work, he was going to do some additional testing.

But I KNEW it wouldn’t be necessary.

I was so wrong. About everything. And as usual, Dr Z proves why we picked him as our doctor.

The tests came back. My AMH is 0.5. That sucks. It worse than sucks. It’s sucktastic.

He says that he's not ready to throw in the towel YET. He likened my ovaries to a baseball team. He said that I have the players, but it was difficult to tell what condition they might be in, and how many might be on the bench. I said, "Great, I'm the New York Mets" (and honestly, after being a Mets fan for my whole life, I should be used to the disappointment).

Dr Z said now that he knows what the problem is, he can treat me more appropriately. He said my ovaries are a lot older than I am... probably about 42 or so… and now he has to treat me like that. He wants to see how I respond to a new protocol (my nurse should be calling me later today with details). But he also said that if this next cycle doesn't work, his recommendation would be donor eggs (DE).

My husband and I had already had a LONG talk the morning before we spoke with Dr Z about where we were going to draw the line. I finally know where he stands with all of the options, and I'm relieved about that. He's okay with DE, but not donor sperm. Okay with domestic adoption, but not embryo adoption.

We won’t move on to DE until we get a second opinion. So, if IVF #2 fails, we plan on probably getting two second opinions: one at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), a leading center for ART, via phone consult and another at a leading medical center in Manhattan. Following those, we'll probably be moving onto DE.

However, DH is convinced that now that we know about these issues, IVF #2 is going to work.

I'm going to start acupuncture again, start seeing a chiropractor and we're going to try to go to an infertility counselor, because i'm really depressed. The IVF not working was bad enough - now I’m a devastated mess. There hasn’t been a day without crying since I found out. I don’t know how much more I can take.

There’s no question now that I’m in good hands. Dr Z clearly knows what he’s talking about. I can't imagine many people would have looked at me last cycle and said DOR. I thought I was just over-suppressed, but he saw my response and said, “Look, even with your normal FSH and normal antral follicle count (AFC), something is wrong here. This isn't because of medication. We need to run more tests.”

He was right. I hate it - but he was right.

He also said that my blood work came back positive for the genetic mutation MTHFR. I’m going to find out exactly which mutation tomorrow, when I get copies of my blood work. Dr Z says I don’t have to take any blood thinners, but he has me now on very high dose folic acid. I’m taking a total of 5mg daily. He says that he needs me on it for 4 weeks before we can try again, so we can still plan on cycling for March. I’ll have to continue taking the high dose folic acid as long as we’re TTC or pregnant… which right now feels like the rest of my life. Another complication of MTHFR is elevated homocysteine levels. However, my homocysteine levels are normal.

I’m sorry that this was so long. It’s all the information I have. I feel like all of my dreams are slipping away from me. It’s very easy for people to say “oh, it’s not bad news” and “oh there’s still hope” but this is the end of the world for me.

I’m 34 years old and my eggs are crap.

The worst thing about this is the not knowing. In the beginning, my evaluation was normal. Every single part of it. Dr Z says these tests are really expensive and the insurance companies won’t pay for them unless they can be shown cause, which the failed IVF cycle gave us. I wish we had known about this 2 months ago. Or 7 months ago when we went through our initial testing.

And I hate what this has done to me. EVERY girl I see whose only diagnosis is MFI, I think to myself “that’s what you think” or “for your sake I hope so”.

Because up until 2 days ago, MFI was my only diagnosis too… and I had all the hope in the world.

Now it will be a miracle if I can even use my own eggs.

From the top to the bottom in one phone call.

Be careful what you wish for.

My I to the V to the F is On!

Walk by FAITH not by SIGHT Corinthians 5:7

Oh Happy Friday
Having been on BCP's for the past 3 weeks, I was happy to go to Dr. B's on Friday to have my IVF Suppression Check, Ultra-Sound and Blood Work. I got the ALL CLEAR and received my IVF Calender and Nurse K told me what Meds she would be ordering for me from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy.

My Protocol
I will be on the Antagonist: Step-Up/Step-Down Protocol. I have PCOS and I will continue taking Metformin. I also have one copy of MTHFR C677T and a small amount of Annexin V Antibodies so I will be on low dose Predisone, one Baby Aspirin per day and Lovenox. The main benefit of the protocol is that women with PCOS tend to be at a higher risk of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome)which can cause the ovaries to enlarge severely and require hospitalization. With this protocol Dr. B can trigger me with Lupron and prevent the risk of OHSS as opposed to triggering me with HCG, which can make OHSS symptoms worse.

Photography Credit

Moving Forward by Faith
Saturday my Meds arrived from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy and I start Stimming on Tuesday. I am praying that everything goes smoothly with this cycle and that God's will be done in me and Mr. Blessed Bud's lives...

Baby Shower!

I got so caught up in Glucose Hell that I completely forgot to post about my fabulous baby shower that my mom & my sister threw for me!!! It was Jan 17th at my mom's house and we had so much fun. It was so good to see all my family - it would have been nice to see my girlfriends but now-a-days we are spread all the way out from Virginia to Texas to Oregon and all over Washington so I totally understand!

First of all, they went with mexican food - which I of course couldn't get enough of! Between the Cornbread Taco Casserole, taquitos, chips, salsa, and guac... lets just say I'm glad I hadn't gotten my Gestational Diabetes diagnosis beforehand!!!

The first game we played was a baby word scramble - I tell you what some ladies were very saavy at unscrambling these words! Me? Not even the easiest of words could I get!!! Who knew what a Layette was anyway??? Is that like a bassinett cause I do have one of those??? Ha-Ha

Second game was HILARIOUS - my sister took newborn diapers and melted a different candy bar in each. They then get passed around and everyone has to guess which candy bar is in each... via smell, texture and **ahem** taste (for the oh so brave!). So funny...Then they had everyone take a piece of yarn to guess how big I am around my belly... all I have to say is I'm glad I was only 30 weeks and we didn't have the shower 6 weeks down the road as some of the guests may just have been right - but for now... THANKS GUYS... THANKS! :)

And... PRESENTS!!!! Seriously I'm so thankful for everything everyone picked out. I can't wait for Baby GB to make use of everything!And last but not least - I'll leave you with the best picture of the day... I love my dad! :)

More to come on the Gestational Diabetes diagnosis in my next post!!! (I think I have a little bit bigger outlook now that I've met with my nutritionist.. thank goodness!)

Meetings, procedures & classes, oh my!

The last two days I have been staying pretty busy gearing up for our IVF cycle. Last night I attended the IVF Support Group meeting I talked about yesterday. When I got there, I saw a couple sitting outside in the hall & when I tried them, the doors to my fertility center (different location than my normal office - same place I went for my HSG) were locked. So I rang the doorbell & the group facilitator came out to let us in, the couple sitting outside followed me in, saying they didn't realize that there was a bell to ring! Then the facilitator, who is a licensed clinical psychologist, went back to her office to grab a few things. While we were waiting for the meeting to begin, the couple & I started chatting a bit. The other couple & other lady who was attending showed up about 10 min. later & we got started! It was really great to get to talk to people in similar situations & having similar feelings about their upcoming IVF cycles. One of the ladies attending even has an estimated ER three days before me! We all exchanged information & left saying we'd keep in touch. It was seriously awesome. I have absolutely no regrets about attending & I plan on doing it again next month if I am available - for sure! I highly recommend that anyone facing IF - whether you feel like you are really having a hard time or even if you feel like you are coping with your IF pretty well - attend a support group meeting either thru your RE's office or check out RESOLVE to see if there are any group meetings in your area. Talking to other women in a situation similar to you is really very powerful & takes away a lot of the feelings of being broken & isolation that you may be feeling. (Photo Credit for above photo).

Today I had a saline sonohysterogram (SHG) & mock embryo transfer (MET). I did not realize I was even getting an SHG until I got to the office & they gave me a paper to sign agreeing to undergo the procedure. I thought it would just be a MET, but I guess my RE likes to do both at the same time to ensure there are no problems uterine problems that had not been caught. Anyways, the whole thing went by pretty quickly. He inserted the cathetar & released a little of the solution in slowly. Mr. WB was right there with me & my RE showed us where the catheter was & the solution being released in side my uterus, and also showed us the shape of my uterus & ovaries - both of which he said looked perfect! No cysts or any other problems he could identify.

After that, we headed over to the injection training class. It was very informative & we got to meet a few other couples from our center. The nurse leading it was my nurse, who I LOVE! IMO, the scariest of the shots seems to be the HCG Trigger shot, but I think I will ask my sister (a nurse) to do that one for me. If she's unavailable at the time I need it (doing it exactly on time is VERY important as it must be done 36 hours prior to retrieval), then Mr. WB can do it. We start Lupron injections on Tuesday. I can't believe we are really getting this cycle started...hard to believe that our greatest wish could become a reality in just about a month! I am hoping that everything continues to go smoothly & my body responds well to the meds. As always, thanks so much for the all the T&P (sorry I always end like this ;o), but I really do want to express my gratitude to everyone thinking of us)! (Photo Credit for above photo).

Is It Just Me...

Or when you're trying to get pregnant, does it seem like everyone around you is suddenly getting knocked up?

Image Source

Like everyone else can, but not you?

Ugh.

One of my clients told me today that she's pregnant and she may quit her job next fall so she can stay home with the baby. She's 14 weeks along.

And one of our couple friends from college just told everyone that they're expecting Baby Number 1 -- and the wife has already quit her job to stay home. She posts on Facebook all day about how she wishes she looked *more* pregnant. Seriously? Who wishes they could look *more* pregnant?

And there are numerous other friends and acquaintances who either are expecting or have just given birth.

Would it be crazy to de-friend all of the pregnant people I know on Facebook?

I'm a bitter, impatient woman.

--End of Rant-- :)

IUI #1 is scheduled!

Our first IUI is scheduled for Sunday and I am feeling such a mix of emotions. I am excited, nervous, optimistic, scared and worried all at the same time. When we went in this morning for our ultrasound, they told me that my follicles looked great (I had three at 18, 15 and 14) and the my lining looked better but not great (6.5). I asked the nurse what she thought about us doing an IUI and she said it was up to us. We asked to talk to my doctor, and she is on maternity leave! So we just had to make the decision on our own. We talked to the financial person to get an exact price, and we decided to just go with it!

I am doing two more days of the estrogen patches in hopes that by Sunday my lining will get a bit thicker. We have to go in on Sunday at 7:30 am for Mr. CB to do his thing =) then the IUI is scheduled for 9 am. It seems like a pretty easy, painless process. It's amazing to me that when I first started this TTC journey, things like IUI's, RE's, trigger shots, etc. were foreign and scary, and now they are my everyday life.

I have been feeling the past few weeks that IF is taking over my life. Mr. CB has been very worried about me, and how down I've been. I know I need to not worry and not stress because I can't control any of this, but I haven't done a good job of staying happy and positive. I decided to call my insurance and get some information about seeing a therapist. I have an appointment scheduled for Monday and I hope that she can help me sort through all my feelings.

So we have a big weekend ahead for the Chef Buds...wish us luck!

Baby Hopeful Bud is a girl!!

It's amazing how much my life, outlook, thoughts, perception on things has changed in the last 24 hours since finding out we were having a baby girl. In some strange way seeing her on the ultrasound yesterday for the first time made it all the more real. I'm sure the same change in attitude would have happened if we saw that we were having a boy too.

So yesterday when we went for our u/s, I think both Mr. Hopeful Bud and myself knew that we were having a girl, but we both wanted a boy so badly that we never really admitted to each other that we thought it was going to be a girl. :) Wishful thinking sometimes has a way of clouding intuition. When we went into the room with the tech I told her that I didn't want to know the sex of Baby HB until the very end, that we wanted to spend as much time with our baby as possible and just wanted to enjoy every moment. So the tech went about her business of finding the kidneys (good!), finding the bladder (good!), beating heart (a beautiful 138 bpm), perfect sized brain, good blood flow through the umbilical cord, everything looked great! Baby HB wasn't moving around much at all, so the tech kept pushing and shaking my belly with the wand saying "wake up little one!" Finally after the fourth shake, she started to wake up, but not before giving the biggest yawn ever. I know I'm biased, but I'm pretty sure that yawn was the most spectacular thing that any baby has ever done before. :) After her big yawn she started kicking and wiggling all over. The whole experience was just precious!! After about 15 minutes of just watching her, the tech said "are you ready to find out what you are having?" We looked at each other and said "yes". Without any hesitation she said "It's a girl!" Of course I was already crying, but started to cry even more upon hearing those words. I guess I never realized how much I really wanted a girl. The tech said she weighs approximately 12 ounces and is measuring right at 20w1d, which is just one day difference then my due date.

The only cause of concern on the ultra sound is that my placenta seems to be too close to my cervix. So the tech requested that I get another u/s at 28 weeks to make sure that my placenta is moving away like it should be. Our doctor said that in 90% of cases, the placenta moves away normally on it's own. My understanding is that if it doesn't move away, this could lead to Placenta Praevia. I guess we will see in 8 weeks. I'm just excited that we get to see our little girl again!

Well, that's about it. Telling friends and family was so much fun. Now we get to start narrowing down name, bedding, thinking about registering. So much to do and so little time!!

Take care and stay hopeful!!

We're approved, part II & staying positive!

This week, I have been working out all of the many financial details that go along with OOP IVF. We received final approval & signed off on our $20K loan for the shared risk program. Mr. Worry Bud & I are going to pay the other $2K OOP tomorrow when I go in for my mock embryo transfer (MET) & injects training class. Now, the only other thing money-wise is completing the FSA forms for reimbursement. Usually with FSAs, they require that all services you are being reimbursed for have been rendered, but in this case I'm not sure how they are going to handle it since technically "services" could mean anywhere from 1 cycle (hopefully!) to 6...more if you count the FETs that are included in the program. The financial coordinator from my fertility center says that she has had to deal with several patients who did shared risk & used their FSA for partial reimbursement & she doubts there will be a problem. I had a few conversations with an FSA representatives before signing up & they assured me that my IVF would be covered, so I hope we don't run into any road blocks with them. Mr WB & I agreed that I, Worry Bud - an avid questioner of circumstances - will never be completely satisfied with any answer any one gives me & to just take a leap of faith that everything will work out how it should, and so that's what we did. I will be talking to our RE's financial counselor tomorrow a little more about how to get the documentation for FSA reimbursement.

Photo Credit

Tonight I am attending a free (woot!) IVF support group the counseling group that works with my fertility center is holding. I am hoping to meet other women in a similar situation & gain even more hope & confidence that this will be it for us!! Tomorrow is my MET & injects training, and we got all of my meds on Tuesday (I'll post a pic of all the meds next time). I start Lupron injections & baby aspirin next Tuesday, so in just a few short days. So far, I'm feeling good & very positive about this cycle. As I mentioned before, I am doing a lot of preparation emotionally to get through this cycle - I know it'll be tough & I definitely have my moments of being worried if it will work or not, scared & nervous about everything I will have to endure, but I am trying not to focus on those feelings right now. I am acknowledging & accepting the fact that they are there...my IF counselor I went to see last week says that those are normal feelings & that I need to just accept that there is a certain degree of uncertainty, but in the end there's nothing you can do to change that, but how much energy you put into those feelings are what matter. So I am making a conscious choice to focus my energy on being positive & reflecting on the VERY exciting possible outcome!!! Again, thank you SO much to everyone who is keeping us in their T&P during this time...it means so much to us! :o)

Pregnancy love list

So it's crazy to think that I'm already more than a third done with this pregnancy. I'm really hoping my energy will return soon. I'm pretty good at trying to avoid caffeine, but some days after my early morning shifts I'm not able to function without a diet coke. It is glorious!
I'm dying to shop for baby stuff with all the amazing clearance sales going on right.

Some of my favorites this time around are:
Bubble baths: I take one pretty much every night. It is the one thing that seems to help relieve my back pain.
S'mores: Microwave s'mores are my obsession. I make them all the time. For some reason they taste good pretty much all the time.
Mott's natural applesauce: I try to only only eat applesauce without added sugar to make it healthier. Mott's is the only natural one that tastes any good.
Yoga pants: Pretty much my uniform when I'm at home.
Oberweis Chocolate Milk: Simply amazing. I'm not a huge milk drinker, but it just tastes so good.