December 21, 2010

Why Must She Toy With Me?

I am terrible. I haven't posted in weeks. Life has been crazy which is no excuse.

First, to address the title of my post, I am really really mad at AF. She toys with my emotions and crushes my spirit, and I am fed up with her. DH and I have moved into the "not not trying" phase. He is in the final phases of hiring for a job, and while it hasn't been formalized yet, we are quite confident that it will be. I am actively applying, and am feeling optimistic about a couple of different opportunities. That said, we decided that while we are definitely not actively trying, we would be ok if it happened.

I know this might seem crazy to some people, and maybe it is, but we were talking the other week about how despite how worried we were when our employment situations changed, we have really really been ok. Financially we haven't had to make many sacrifices. We have no consumer debt. We haven't been late on any bills. We have savings. We have made things work. Has it been perfect? No. It has not been ideal. But we have worked hard, and we have made things work. Comparatively speaking (and I know comparing is a terrible idea), but I know several couples with children who were in a worse financial situation when they made the decision to start their family, and they are making it work just fine. I know we could do the same.

Anyways, sorry about the tangent, but the point is, that AF was 2 days late. No symptoms. And this little voice in my head was telling me that despite the fact that it was extremely unlikely, maybe, just maybe, I could be pg. I didn't let myself think it for more than a split second, because I didn't want to be disappointed. But the little voice in my head persisted. It was somewhat terrifying to think that this could be it, but tormenting to think that it most likely wasn't. And then late last night, AF showed up. I felt partial relief, but mostly just sadness. And I think the sadness strengthened the notion that this is what I am ready for. It's not just talk. It is every fiber of my being that wants a child, that wants to start our family. And I hope with everything in me that we won't have to wait much longer.



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