June 8, 2010

And the beat goes on...

I am slowly trudging my way through the beginning of cycle 6, and as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I wasn't really expecting this. Let me take you back to last Wednesday and Thursday. I was 11dpo on Wednesday and had no cramping, but I did have sore boobs, which in the last two months have popped up as a pms sign. I also had two new symptoms: a backache in my lower back and itchy boobs (I know I don't get it either). I was sure these were signs of something good. However the lovely HPT quickly told me I was wrong with a BFN. Obviously my body is just coming up with new ways each month to torture me. Then comes Thursday, 12 DPO. I had yet to make it through 12 DPO without spotting and sometimes spotting heavily. I kept waiting for it to show, but it never did. I had to chaperone a trip to PawSox to watch our school band play, and I was very excited that by 10:30 when we were getting ready to leave, nothing had shown up. I even made a comment to one of my closest friends who was with me. That had to be my mistake. I was so confident that this was the cycle, even though I kept trying to tell myself that it couldn't be. I woke up Friday morning, expecting a good day. I had a personal day from work and was going to a 5th year college reunion pub crawl with some of my closest friends. My mood quickly plummeted when I looked at my BBT; my temp had dropped an entire degree. Not one to give up hope, I tested. BFN! Not even 1 hour later AF showed up. I called DH to let him know and he spent most of his break talking to me. I was just feeling broke and I still do feel as though something is wrong.

Anyways, I went to the pub crawl with my friends, and we drank like champs. At least I didn't have to try cover the reason why I couldn't drink on a pub crawl. At some point in time during the night I was talking to another friend who is quietly TTC. I found out that one their first month trying she had gotten pregnant, but had an early miscarriage. As much as my heart went out to her, I continued to feel bad for myself. I don't know why. I don't want a miscarriage. I want a safe and healthy baby, but I couldn't help but feel a little more down after hearing this news.

For the remainder of the weekend I tried to stay away from all things baby. MTV had a 16 and Pregnant marathon on and since trash tv is my addiction, I simply rewatched season 2 of True Blood (coming back June 13th!). I had totally forgotten about the baby shower scheduled at work on Monday for a co-worker. I was blind sided with this news when I came in at 7:30. Not only did I forget (suppressed maybe?), but I didn't have gift. Luckily a friend let me go in with her. Let me tell you try to smile and seem upbeat a work baby shower when only 1 person knows you are TTC and failing is torture. Luckily the mother-to-be was quick and I could excuse myself to get some more work finished. I know more showers are coming up since our school has a baby due in September and December; at least I will probably have the summer to prepare.

So where do I go from here? I decided this cycle to begin using CBEFM and I am hoping I get better results with this then with OPKS, since I never got a real strong positive. I went back to the gym last night with my SIL to try to loose the eight pounds I put on after my wedding. DH and I talked and decided if I am not pregnant by October we will talk to my doctor. Technically we have only been actively trying since January, but I have been off BCP since October '09 and we didn't really try to avoid all that hard. Being the goal oriented person I am, I have set a new goal to be pregnant by the time I start school again in the fall. Hopefully it won't just fly past me tauntingly like my current goal (to be pregnant by the time I get out of school). I hate that this is the one thing in my life I can't control. I guess that is just the way it is.


Ms. Understood said...

I'm sorry that you are going through such a disappointing TTC journey. I hope you get good news this cycle. I use a CBEFM (I bought it to use when we TTC, but currently I use it to see when I'm ovulating so I can TTA). It has been spot on every month lining up with my temps. Good luck.


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