I go back to the OB tomorrow, and I'm assuming we'll find out the status of the SCH, among other things. Which means either it will still be there, and my restrictions will continue, keeping me out of work, or it will have resolved and I will have to go back.
I don't know which one I want to happen. And either way, I feel like i'm being a bad mother.
If I don't go back, we're going to start having serious financial problems in 2 months (we went over the budget last night - we're fine with what we have right now until the middle of august). Knowing that we'll need $4000 for our deductible in december when the baby is born, that leaves us about 3 months of coverage in our savings account. DH has a lot of debt that he accrued before we met, that (if he stuck to the current plan) will have all been paid off by next year, from a different account that we have. We CAN dip into that, and slow down his progress, but that has been my priority for the time we've been married. It kills me to know that we might have to slow down paying that off. Obviously we'll do what he have to ... and if that means slowing down paying off that credit, then so be it - that just chafes me.
If it IS resolved and i DO go back... what am I going back to? The bleeding started after a miserable 13 hour shift. And they're going to be WATCHING me, waiting for something else to happen so they can put me out again - of this I have no doubt. I'm going to spend most of my shift worrying about the baby - am I being exposed to something I shouldn't be? Am I doing too much? Am I getting enough to drink? Can I find 10 minutes to sit down? And if I do find 10 minutes to sit down, am I going to have something said to me like "maybe you SHOULDN'T have come back".
So, the bottom line is, which is worse? The stress of worrying about the baby at my job, or the stress of money.
My husband says he'd feel better if i didn't have to go back right now, because he thinks I'd be more stressed out if I were working. At least money we can figure out. Maybe not live how we've become accustomed to, but making necessary cut backs and we'd figure it out.
Either way - i feel like i'm being a bad mother. I should want to provide all i can for my child financially, so I should be happy if I can go back to work. But I should also provide a safe environment for my baby, and I don't think I have that at work.
I don't know what I'm accomplishing by writing this. I do feel a little better after reviewing the budget last night - at least i know where all of our payments are coming from now, and I don't have to worry about the mortgage (which is my main concern). And honestly, none of this matters until we see what my OB says tomorrow..
I just wish I knew what I wanted her to say.
After a lot of thinking, I really think I'm better off NOT going back. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty saying that.
5 comments:
Oh, that's a really hard decision. My initial gut reaction is that you should protect the baby at all costs. I know it'll be hard to change your finances and possibly downgrade your lifestyle, but it's so worth it to know that your baby is safe and healthy.
Your health is going to affect the health of your baby (you already know this and probably tell others the same thing). You baby doesn't care about being the bjorn carrier or wearing clothes from the dollar store. Right now keeping your stress down and your health together is all that matters. That doesn't make you a bad mom at all, it makes you a great mom.
What a difficult predicament. My first reaction would be to go with your gut instinct. It's hard enough working in an environment you hate at any time, but with a complicated pregnancy, it's even worse and that stress is not good for either you or Smudge.
On the other hand, if the SCH has gone away, I would probably try going back to work and see what happens. Are you concerned that too much time on your hands between now and Smudge's birth will also be very stressful and you will spend much of that time obsessing about nothing but all the potential "what if" situations that can make someone crazy.
Tough call, but I would at least try work and then decide.
i'm not worried about any what ifs/time on my hands worrying scenarios. In that way, this is different than dealing with IF. All i did then was obsess. Now I guess I'm still obsessing, but it's in a good way. It's about bedding and furniture, and getting a crib vs using the sock drawer and picturing wrapping smudge up in the moby and going to visit daddy at work.
It's GOOD obsessing now.
It's all moot until tomorrow. Thanks for the support girls. I'll update - promise.
I don't know you personally, but I know you will NEVER be a bad mother. Smudge is very lucky.
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