February 16, 2010

Sorry to be a debbie downer.....

This month has been so hard for me. As my EDD approaches, I'm finding it really hard to deal. The only time I find peace is at night, when I'm sleeping. When I'm working, I can usually focus on work but even now it's starting to affect my performance. Almost every day I shed at least a few tears and more often than not, I'm crying myself to sleep.

Poor Mr MB doesn't know what to do with me. He asked his buddies at work how to help. I don't really mind him asking, because I think it's a sweet gesture. He is so strong. And I know he's not nearly as affected by our loss as I am, and that's okay with me... but man is he strong. He's such a rock. He's my support system. He's everything. But for some reason I just can't keep it together.

I remember back in December we went to a perinatal bereavement service that the hospital put on and one of the speakers (also a mommy who had had a loss) said, "Grief is 100% healthy, but when the days seem to run together like a rolling thunderstorm with dark clouds, you should seek help." My thunderstorm won't go away. So, I'm seeking help. I plan to look at therapists in my area that specialize in grief. I just don't think I can do it myself anymore. I have a degree in psychology, so you'd think I'd be more comfortable doing this but I am scared to death!

I've seemed to lose a lot of myself through our loss and my grief. Mr MB and I are also trying to change our health-habits and he's going so good. Down almost 15 pounds since 1/1/10 and I've been stuck at -5lbs for three weeks. I can't think of a single thing that motivates me these days. Usually I am motivated by SOMETHING... but my brain just shuts off.

As for TTC... AF is due any day now, my chart is confusing as all get out. FF took my cross hairs away, I had a +OPK but may not have ovulated at all (at least its not saying I did since it took my CHs away), all HPTs I've taken have been BFNs... and to top it off, I found out two of my friends are expecting today and my trainer at work found out she was having a girl today. *sigh* It's been a rough day. I'm really hoping AF doesn't show this week and I can be blessed with a BFP. If not, I'm charting for one more month and then if that cycle is negative I'm calling our OB. I need some answers.

What are your guy's experiences with therapists? When did you know it was time to seek help?


Worry Bud said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now MB. Major hugs and T&P being sent your way!


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