October 12, 2009

Selfish Drain of Society

That's what someone commenting on the New York Times IVF article called people like me: "Selfish drain on society".

Why don't I just adopt? Don't I know there are millions of older and disabled children in the foster care system waiting for a home? It's like buying a puppy from a puppy mill rather than rescuing one. Infertility treatment is like plastic surgery. It's natural selection. Insurance shouldn't pay for "lifestyle treatments", unlike type 2 diabetes, and lung/heart problems. (Don't get me started on how as a society we're paying for people with lifestyle induced illnesses like those THAT commenter seems to think are acceptable to pay for.)

The comments go on and on and on.

I spent all night crying.

I got home from work at 11:45pm. DH and I laid in bed, and I was sobbing like a baby.

Why is it so wrong that i want to have a baby? I CAN have a baby. My body was made for it. It works like it's supposed to. It WANTS to have a baby. It spits an egg out every cycle, right on time. It's hormone levels are right on target. And then it met a man... a man who 28 years ago, laid on a operating room table, and had a surgeon screw up.

Hopes dashed.

We want a baby. What makes us ANY different from anyone else in this country who wants to have a baby? We're paying our way.

Why does that make me a terrible person? Why am I a selfish drain on society?

Why can't we just be parents?

Maybe I had to read this article to know how I really felt. Yes, I remember, as a NICU nurse, saying those things 3-4 years ago... that IVF is directly responsible for the increase in prematurity. It's responsible for those tiny little babies that I took care of every day at work. Under 1 pound. Under 25 weeks gestation. Fragile and strong, at the same time. Not understanding. How could I? I held those babies as they struggled to breathe. I've held them as they died. And DH held me then as well.... as I cried for those babies that I tried to save.

One of the fragile and strong that I took care of: 1 week old born at 25 weeks gestational age.
Today a healthy and perfect 2 year old.

And now I'm one of those women... just wanting a baby. I'm not like some of those mothers I didn't understand. We're not doing IUI with unknown numbers of eggs fertilized. In IVF, I would NEVER transfer more than 2 embryos, and we're considering talking to our doctor about what our chances would be if we only transferred 1. I have no genetic or reproductive issues... I should be able to carry to term. And even if we become pregnant with twins.... the overwhelming majority of twins are carried to term... healthy.

Making the decision to do IVF, a decision I never thought I would make, was hard enough. Why do I have to be made to feel this way? Why does it have to be even harder now that we've made the decision? As if the daunting thoughts of daily injections, egg retrievals (ER) and embryo transfers (ET) aren't enough stress.

Don't we deserve the chance to be pregnant?


Courtney said...

I think you absolutely deserve a chance! I haven't read the article, and I don't think I will, because it will just upset me. But please know there are plenty of people who are rooting for you and who believe in your right to conceive a child with your husband!

Heather said...

I didn't read all of it because I know that it would probably upset me. Everyone deserves a chance. What is wrong with people that want to have a child through whatever ways possible. We might do adoption one day, but don't I get a chance to try first?

There are people rooting for you and I can't wait to see a BFP from you.

Emily & Blake said...

I have not read the article yet. However, it seems that people are horribly biased and tend to stamp opinions on issues that they have never personally experienced.

You completely deserve to carry a child (or children) to term and to enjoy every minute of it. I sincerely hope we are celebrating your BFP soon!!

Jenifire said...

You deserve to be a mom and your husband deserves to be a dad. No one and no article should ever make you doubt that or make you feel otherwise. You DESERVE it.

My friend had an IVF treatment just 25 weeks ago and is carrying her twins. She had gotten KU the old-fashion way 2 years ago, but the baby didn't stick. Then after trying for 2 years she did IVF. Those babies will be no less loved than nor less deserved than if she had gotten KU the old-fashion way.

So yes, you DESERVE the chance to be pregnant too! ::::HUGS::::

Dandelion Bud said...

thank you girls. very much.

Flora Bud said...

Oh Dandelion, You deserve this more than anything. You and your husband are two strong individuals that will continue to fight until you have your child. People are biased until its their situation and then they will be rooting for the IVF.

It is NOT fair that our insurance companies do not cover Infertility however they cover the Bi-pass surgery... This is a Natural Selection as well. These two situations NEED to be covered by our insurance.

Pls keep your head up and keep fighting, you will have your baby.


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