September 4, 2009

Mad and Frustrated with Myself!!

Disclaimer:  If some of my words offend you, well, I'm sorry but I'm speaking from my heart - so bear with me!  Thank you

Ya know, I'm made as hell! 

I'm mad at myself for not following thru with the little voices in my head.

I'm mad at myself that it's taken me 10 cycles to come to the realization that something isn't right.

I'm mad that this hasn't happened for us yet.

I'm mad that I'm 36 years old and that I've delayed seeing the doctors.

I'm mad that it's September and in a few short months, my health insurance will change and the implications of what will and won't be covered is really bugging me.

I'm mad that what should be a simple process, isn't always so simple for MANY of us.

Let me back up a second and give some words of advice to some of you reading this.  If you ever have a feeling or inclination what something isn't right with you or your S.O. (significant other) when it comes to reproduction, please do yourself a favor and listen to that nagging little voice.

I have, for months, had this feeling, intuition, premonition, (or whatever you want to call it) that something wasn't right with Mr. Sunshine Bud when it came to getting pregnant.  Now, I'm totally speculating, as we have no answers yet.  Heck, he isn't even being tested until Weds., but I have felt for months (many, many months!) that something just wasn't right.  Rather than face the facts or seek answers, I just kept pushing that little nagging voice aside and made excuses.  That, right there is why I'm so MAD.

Maybe, if I just would have listened to my little voice, maybe just maybe, we'd be pregnant by now.  Or maybe we'd have answers and start working to resolve the issue, whatever it is.  Maybe rather than pushing that nagging little voice aside, I should have just called the RE.  Maybe I should have called the doctor rather than buy into the fact that another supplement or gadget would do the trick.

But look, I need to buckle down and realize that sitting here, having a pity party for myself will never get me any further.  So I need to take the next step.  I need to call the RE.  I need to not worry about the insurance and just do this.  I also need to realize that the waiting and excuses is what got me here and I have no one else to blame or be mad at other than MYSELF!

So with that, I'm off to call my insurance and figure out what they will and won't cover.

Until next time,

Sunshine Bud

P.S.  Please have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend - whatever your plans might be. 


Dandelion Bud said...

Girl, i have been exactly where you are. I know EXACTLY how you feel. you know where to find me if you need anything.


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