Upon entering the testing zone.....

Four days and counting until my FF designated test date: 13DPO.

For most women TTC, the 2ww is full of suspense and mystery symptoms until you’re close enough to your missed period to POAS.

For me it’s just the prelude to the next cycle… in this case, cycle #10.

Once we got our diagnosis, I thought the 2ww would have less significance for me… less symptom hunting, less “what if?” and yet this morning, there I was. Only 9DPO for goodness sake – and I was peeing in a cup, ready to dip that test strip…. I wasn’t thinking logically. I was thinking about weird cramps and transient nausea… nipple discharge, vivid dreams and sensitive smells… at 9DPO.

With almost zero chance of getting pregnant, and almost zero chance of seeing a positive even if I were, I was taking a home pregnancy test.

I was so disgusted with myself that I didn’t even wait to read the strip. I threw it out.

And 10 minutes later, when Mr. DandyBud asked about my early morning plans, I dug it out of the garbage to read it.

You see, the problem with getting an infertility diagnosis is that even though you know it’s not going to happen, you still sit there and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and

It just really really hurts my heart.

There won’t be any surprise BFP for me in 4 days. The pain of knowing that is almost unbearable.

And idiot that I am… I’m still hoping.