It's ALIVE!

I'm very happy to tell you all that todays ultrasound went well. Not only was there a heartbeat (cue my exhaling for the first time in weeks), but Baby Cactus Bud was wiggling all around too. It doesn't show in the picture very well, but at different points during the scan I could see all four limbs, the spine, even a hand that seemed to be going to the face. It was really surreal to see the image on the screen. I seriously could've watched it all day.

This is the third different doctor I've been to for this pregnancy, not counting the ER trip. Thankfully from now on (hopefully) I'll be going to the same building with the same 'team'. I'd like to try and get the same doctor if I can as I liked her, but I'd like to meet them all since I don't know who'll be delivering when the time comes. With the change in doctor came a change in my due date. Again. I'm now back to October 15th, the date that comes up if you go by my last menstrual period. October 15th is also exactly what the baby was measuring, 11w5d.

The bulk of the appointment was going over my history. I'm happy to say that not only did the doctor have a clue about my history, but the nurse that weighed me in did too. I was totally expecting to have to tell them about the miscarriage, it was nice to only have to add on how far along I was at the time.

After the history was done, they tried to do an annual exam. I had one at my civilian doctors in January...but they don't have access to the records. Whatever. The ultrasound was going to be vaginal anyways, so I knew I was already going to spot. If you *need* to do a pap, knock yourself out. I warned them that I think I have a sensitive cervix and that I was pretty sure it would bleed with that...but they wanted to try. Lets just say that the doctors reaction to how sensitive my cervix is involved the word "Wow". She ended up throwing in the towel on the pap smear (so much blood it would come back inconclusive from the lab) and gave me paperwork for my medical records to be sent to them. Ha! Told ya! I've now been officially diagnosed as having a 'very sensitive cervix'. As much as it sucks to know I'll be spotting pretty bad in the next day or so, I'm pretty happy that they came to the same conclusion I did about the spotting and that its nothing that will threaten the pregnancy. Unfortunately, she says I'm stuck with it for the duration of the pregnancy. Kind of a bummer, but I'll take it in a heartbeat if it means a baby in the end.

I asked the doctor how my heart-shaped uterus will play into things moving forward. She said that with anatomy like mine, the trick is usually getting pregnant. This surprised me as I seem to get pregnant pretty easily (50% of the months we tried), its staying pregnant that is more challenging for me. From what she said it didn't sound like she anticipates my having higher chances for early delivery or a c-section. Very good news.

She said all my bloodwork came back normal (at the first appointment they took A LOT of blood and a urine sample). I was sent for another blood draw today, this one to go with the NT scan which is next week.

I ended up having a job interview this afternoon, so my shopping spree for clothes that actually fit had to be put off till tomorrow. Looking forward to it more than I thought I would. I'll also likely be pulling the trigger on a home doppler soon too. I figure it will ease my worries in the month between doctor visits and will come in handy at the end of the pregnancy when the kid can't move much.

My next appointment is April 7th for the NT scan. The next regular appointment I have is May 9th. That will just be a doppler check and Q&A time.

23 week appointment and a game plan!

Went in for my 23 week appointment today. Everything looks great so far. I've had hideous lower back pain for the past 3 days to the point where I can't get up and down sometimes without crying. Turns out that baby boy is burrowed way down deep in my uterus. He has all this room to move around and he's shoved himself as low down as he can go. And stretched out sideways. So mama is in a world of pain right now until he moves. I'm pretty sure he's afraid of big sister who likes to still climb on me and get a little too rough sometimes so he's hiding.

Met with one of my OB's today instead of a PA and instantly liked her. We discussed in detail my concerns about my last labor/delivery and what I want out of this one. She knows how badly I want the VBAC to be successful and how scared I am of another failed induction. She was encouraging of us hiring a doula. I also discussed that I don't want an epidural offered to me. I want to ask for it when I want it. I'm afraid if it's offered, I'll be weak and take it. I want to have it when I'm ready for it and to only have it offered if we're nearing the window of me not being able to have it at all. So she wrote that down in my folder and told me to also discuss this with my L&D nurse when I go into labor.

The latest they are willing to let me go is 41 weeks. If I haven't gone into labor naturally on my own by then, we will not induce. My choice. My VBAC success with an induction is low based on my history of failed induction and slow progression. The recovery from a c-section after an induction based labor is shown to be more difficult than recover from a scheduled c-section. Those aren't odds I really want to gamble with so at 41 weeks, I'll opt for a scheduled c-section if I haven't gone into labor on my own. Since I want to push it as late as possible, she said we will schedule the c-section for 41 weeks exactly. If that ends up being the case, Baby Sunflower Bud and Sunflower Bud will share a birthday. Not a bad birthday present, in my opinion. :)

~ Sunflower Bud ~

Tufts you suck!

Last time I posted, I was anxiously counting down the days until AF shows up. Now I am begging and pleading for AF to be a week or more late. Why? Because my insurance denied our claim for IVF. They say I need to do three FSH + IUI cycles first. After sobbing on the phone to my RE, he agrees that IVF is our best bet. He feels as though the IUIs have a very slim chance of working. Yesterday they resubmitted the request with notes from him this is best chance for us with the lowest possibilities of problems (like HOM). If they reject it again, then the office will just put in for the IUIs.

That being said, the chances of us actually being able to do anything this cycle are slim to none. I absolutely hate that we are being forced to wait and it is so messing up our plans. Mr. Plannerbud and I just booked a cruise mid-July. Have much thinking we decided to keep our trip booked, even though it means we won't be able to cycle that month. If we have to do the three IUIs, we want to do them back to back as much as we can, so May, June and August. We would then begin the IVF hopefully right afterward. Just the thought that it may be September before we can do something that actually can get us pregnant is heart wrenching. I really don't know how I'm going to handle to disappointment until then. It just seems way too long away.

FINALLY!!!!!

AF finally showed up! I haven't been this happy to see her in a long time... It has already been a little over 6 weeks since our miscarriage, and while AF is a painful reminder of what an emotional journey this has been so far... I know my journey hasn't been as long and difficult as some of my fellow buds and readers, but it really sucks when it actually happens to you :-/

I am fine with it... But the only thing I don't like is being in limbo, like I said in my last post. I appreciate all the T&P, and want to say that I do see the silver lining... I am just praying for some clarity in the meantime.


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Sweet Pea at 8 Weeks

That is my little sweet pea! We were not expecting an ultrasound but the midwife did one and it was incredible! Little Buttercup Bud's heart rate was 160 BPM and going strong. It was amazing. We printed out the picture and now it is on our fridge.

The midwife said according to her wheel I am due 11/10. However, I am still sticking with my calculations because I know when I ovulated. Besides, 2 days doesn't really make a difference because baby will come whenever he/she is ready. Although I do think an an 11/11/11 birthday would be cool.

Mr. Buttercup Bud and I were so excited/relieved to see our sweet little baby. It was wonderful seeing our little baby for the first time, even though he/she looks more like a kidney bean. I was so proud of our little baby for his/her little heart pumping away.

My next appointment I will be 12 weeks, wahoo! Almost out of first tri, thank God! I am so ready! I have been so sick. Our midwife offered to give me a prescription for nausea but I declined. I am really trying to be med free all the way through. Even if that is crazy, I figure I might as well start now so I can be prepared for a natural birth.

Until next time!

Buttercup Bud

3.5 Weeks

So its been 3.5 weeks since it was for sure a failed cycle. I felt like I had come to terms with it not working, that we really were going to be doing nothing for the next year in terms of medically intervening with TTC and that we may not have kids for a while. Then of course I then had three baby blessings that we went to (which is great just makes me sad we don't have our own to bless), then my lovely knocked up cousin was there for two of those, just rubs in the envy (love it and my 17 year old cousin told her mom that she can't believe "the cousin" was keeping her baby becuase she would be a better mom than "the cousin" at 17, so true) and then we went to my in-laws and seeing them playing with my nephew mad me even sadder that we don't have any kids for them to love on. So pretty much I am back to a HUGE pity party and spend a lot of time in tears. Mr. Explorer is very supportive and says it is alright that I am a bit of a wreak again but that I will feel better and worse probably some more! It is nice to have someone just to let me be a big baby without trying to get me out of my funk, sometimes I just want to be sad!!

April Mr. Explorer Bud and I are going to get onto the healthy eating band wagon and back to working out. I am sure that will be helpful to get out of this pity party and feeling better about my weight and fitness levels! I think I will sign up for a Triathlon this summer so I have something to plan for and train for so I have something besides babies to obsess about. Poor Mr. Explorer Bud was going off our broken scale to gauge his weight gain and then he was out of town for the weekend and used the hotel scale and recieved a rude awakening, 20 lbs heavier than he thought he was!! This morning we mushed our bellies together to compete who has the ugliest fat belly!! He won when he made it look like a hairy butt crack!!

So I will be looking forward to April when I hopefully will stop thinking about babies or the lack thereof!

Standing at a crossroad

Hello, all. I have been MIA for a bit for a few reasons... Partly because I haven't really wanted to think about this whole TTC thing for a bit, and really there's not much to say at the moment. It's been 6 weeks since our loss, and I am doing a bit better... I still wish things were different, but I know that's normal. It's just funny because 2011 has already been a very interesting and trying year... And we're not even in April yet! It's been a bit exhausting, to tell you the truth.

AF had not appeared yet, so I am waiting for that while we decide what our next move will be. Also exploring some BC options aside from an actual BCP... Any suggestions?

The next couple of months are a major crossroad for us... We will be deciding if we are putting TTC back on the shelf and will TTA due to my career, or if we are going to start trying again in full force. I guess we'll have to wait a bit more and see! In the meantime... I'll try to be patient. The keyword here is "try".




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Spring is in the Air Giveaway Winners!

Hey guys! Thanks to everyone who entered the Spring is in the Air Giveaway on Bloomin' Babies last week & a special thanks to our awesome & very talented host - Mimi's Babies! I am so jealous of today's winners because I absolutely love her Etsy shop!

Without further adieu, winner #1 of a beautiful, handmade flower headband {of your choice}is...
 

Lucky #7

nicole, who said...

I like the Eggplant Purple Crochet Flower on Black Skinny Elastic Headband!

And winner #2 is...


Lucky #13

Tracey, who said...

I like the ladybug headband -too cute!
 

CongratsNicole & Tracey !! Thanks so much for entering our Spring is in the Air Giveaway & for reading/checking out Bloomin' Babies!! I'm sending you an email & you will have 48 hours to respond to me or I will have to select another winner{s}. I hope each of you enjoy your prize!!

We hope everyone enjoyed this great giveaway & hope to bring our readers regular reviews & giveaways more often...so if you didn't win this time, keep an eye out for our next giveaway! Thanks SO much again to all of our readers & followers!! Have a great week. :)

Losing Hope at 10 DPO

This morning I awoke to pure excitement thinking today would be THE day. Today would be the day my life would change forever. Today would be the day I would get that BFP I have deperately wishing for. I hopped out of bed at 5:00 AM knowing that it was finally an acceptable time to test. I had only been counting down the hours since the morning before. I had woken up at 2 AM but I decided to get a few more hours of sleep and let my HCG hormones build up. I had also fought back the urge to test at 8 PM the night before during a moment of weakness. I quietly slipped in the bathroom, being sure not to wake a sleeping Mr. PB&J and grabbed a HPT. I took a deep breath as I tore open the packaging with a mix of emotions playing through my head. I waited in pure agony as the result window was washed over with urine.

::Nothing. Nothing. Test line. Hmm. Where's the result line? Why is it not showing up? Don't lose hope. Maybe it just hasn't been enough time. You are only 10 DPO, your HCG levels are still week, if at all present::

While I am looming over the bathroom counter starring at test results I have seen all too often, and hoping that when the three minute window has lapsed I will see two glorious lines, I get a glimpse of my bathroom trash. At first I laugh. Holy fuck, I am only 10 DPO. Haha. I'm pathetic.

But then another emotion creeps in. Saddness. Sadness for the $30 of test I have wasted in the last three days. I feel like a junkie. And I feel sadness for the hope I have lost with each negative test. Not just the hope I'd lost over the last three days but the hope I'd lost over the last year. Every month my bathroom trash can shows a similar picture. And a years worth of sadness boils over and I start to tear up.

Today I am having a hard time accepting the failures over the last year. This one year mark is a tough pill to swollow. While I know it would be foolish to say this cycle is a bust I just can't believe I am here. 1 full year of TTC and nothing to show for it. Depression is not something I am accustomed to. But each month, around 10 DPO, my hope turns to despair. I'm an optimist and TTC is beginning to change that.

I just want to get these next few days over with so I can move on. Move on to another cycle (or pregnancy.......not likely) and a new attitude. Like I said I am an optimist at heart and somehow, someway my hope is renewed with each cycle day 1. If I lose hope, then what? But maybe that iswhy I crash so hard come 10 DPO? But I can't lose hope....

**Side Note - I do typically use internet cheapies to support my POAS habit. Just this cycle I ran out and my only option was to buy a box (or two) of HPTs from Wal-Mart. Well, ok, that really that wasn't my only option. My other option would have been NOT to test. But that's not gonna happen. I just don't want any of you to think financially irresponsible as well lacking in self control. I do have limits :P**

PB&J Bud :)

Houston, We Have A Fetus!

11 Weeks!

Most places seem to agree that the fetal stage begins right about now, so I guess that means we have a fetus in there. From here on out things are being fine-tuned and growing like crazy. The bambino should be about the size of a lime this week. Crazy to think I'm clear up to lime already when sweet pea seemed unattainable before.

I'm starting to get really nervous and excited about my ultrasound that is FINALLY due to happen on Thursday. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm hopeful that I might actually get to see a heartbeat and a wiggling baby in there. I'm preparing myself for bad news though. Maybe that sounds strange to some, but its easier for me to be pleasantly surprised than heartbroken again. If anyone has some spare good thoughts to send my way on Thursday, I'd appreciate them. I'll be going to the appt on my own since Mr Cactus Bud can't get off from work.

If it goes well, there will be a shopping spree to follow. I've been itching to get a home doppler and need to get maternity pants. Haven't been able to pull the trigger and do either yet. I'm figuring it will be my reward for a good appt this week.

(Image credit: http://tinyurl.com/5uccd5v )

How far along: 11 weeks

Total weight change: +3

Maternity clothes: No, but most days I really need the pants. Getting some will be my reward for having a good appt on Thursday.

Stretch Marks: No

Movement: Too early

Sleep: My back has been giving me issues in the past week (I'm prone to back issues even when not pregnant). I've had to resort to Tylenol to help as my lack of sleep was interfering with my functioning like a human being.

Best Moment This Past Week: Getting to the baby to the fetus stage and being in the home stretch to the elusive ultrasound. Also a good moment was realizing I'd made it 10 days+ without spotting (Probably because I put myself on pelvic rest and have been faithful to Mr. Metamucil. I needed a break from the bleeding or I'd be BSC with the ultrasound looming right now. Sucks to be on rest, but I think it clearly tells us whats the cause of the spotting.)

Most Difficult Moment This Past Week: Having the ultrasound looming out there. I"m alternately excited and terrified of it.

Belly Button In or Out: Definitely still in

Cravings/Aversions: I was able to eat scrambled eggs this week! Been downing milk and cheese like there is no tomorrow.

Symptoms: What symptoms? Seriously, the only symptoms I've been having with regularity are sore boobs and a slowed down digestive system (and all the joy that comes with that). Nausea is all but gone (occasional wave in the evenings, that's it). Food aversions are lessening (mostly I want to eat everything in sight). Oh, I guess ninja hunger would be a symptom. I call it ninja hunger cuz it sneaks up on me.

What I'm Looking Forward To: The ultrasound on Thursday and telling family in a couple weeks.

Take care,