August 25, 2011


"Miscarriage is not tragedy. It’s not losing a child. It’s not life in a war zone. It’s not living in poverty. It’s not even the worst thing that has happened to me. But it’s loss. And it’s an icky, secret, festering loss. Hollow, haunting, and acrid.”

Pretty powerful words. Fairly accurate too. If I were in front of you all, I would ask for a show of hands that agree with this statement. Most of you would raise your hands. And some of you, like me, would hesitate. As I said, it’s fairly accurate but I don't agree 100%.

Miscarrying IS losing a child. You just haven’t met him yet. The two of you have only begun that special bond that is created between a mother and her child. From the time that egg is fertilized, your baby has an identity. The color of her eyes, her skin tone, hair texture, personality, smile and laugh are all determined. If you’re lucky, you get to see those things for yourself. If you’re not so lucky, like so many of us, you won’t be allowed this privilege until you pass from this life.

My TTC story? Long story short we had an “oops” in December. Everyone knew; our parents, the people we work with. No family history of miscarriage. At my 8 week confirmation ultrasound we found out that the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks 5 days. You all know how difficult it is to not only accept that news yourself, but to spread that message to those close to you. I decided to have the miscarriage naturally. It occurred about 3 weeks later. Icing on the cake of this scenario? Exactly 1 week after I miscarried, I find out that my BF is pregnant. Oh yeah. And guess who she asked to tell everyone. You got it; ME. Believe me, that’s an ongoing personal struggle to this day.

We decided to try again in May/June. Got it on the first try! We just knew the first time was a fluke…nothing to worry about. The date for the confirmation ultrasound rolls around and we’re so excited we can hardly stand it. The only people who know this time are my parents (my mom works in the lab where my HCGs were done), my BF and my supervisor. Anyone want to guess how the ultrasound went? Yep. Baby died at 6 weeks 6 days. Utter devastation. This time I decided to do the cytotec – get this fiasco behind us so we can start healing. The first round didn’t work. The second round was so horrible that I will never do the cytotec again. All that pain and heartache, and all we got was more of the same.

Now I’m waiting for AF to come back around so that everything will resemble normalcy again. My OB/GYN likes her patients to wait 2 healthy periods before trying again. That puts us to September-ish. We’re planning on waiting until October when we go on vacation for our anniversary. The BF? Due October 22 with a baby girl. Me and Mr. Curly Bud? Taking it one day at a time and praying that the old adage will hold up for us: third time’s the charm.

Thanks for listening and looking forward to talking to you again soon!


Cactus Bud said...
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Cactus Bud said...


Though I'm sorry you've had losses, I'm thrilled to see another person on here TTC after a loss. Its such an important perspective. I was TTCAL when I joined the blog as well.

Wishing you all kinds of luck!


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