November 18, 2010


I want to start by sending my thoughts and prayers to all our buds who have recently lost their little ones. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I hope you all get your sticky baby soon.

As I was walking around the mall the other day, I was thinking about my next post. Something my mother had said to me the night before was ringing in my ear. "Remember years ago," she started, "when you desperately wanted to find the guy you were supposed to marry. This process isn't much different than that. You found a fantastic guy and time for a baby will come." Not totally comforting at the time as I had spent the night before with my college friends and the conversation revolved around my friend's pregnancy, shower, etc. However a few days later, I can accept it a little better. Maybe this is an SSDD process, same sh!t, different decade. Haven't I experienced all this before. The pain at hearing about a friend's (no matter how distant) engagement. Have to keep it together through my cousin's wedding, when I was as single as I was all through high school. See women with engagements rings everywhere. Every commercial on TV was for David's Bridal or an upcoming show about yet another couple getting married. Holding hope that every guy I dated (and there were plenty in college) was the one and we would live happily ever after. I was even engaged at one time. At the time the ending of that relationship was devastating, but looking back, it was the exact right thing to do. Will I think the same thing about this crazy TTC journey? Is my life really just repeating itself?

It is beginning to get bad. When I was on said shopping trip, I noticed that mall was decorated for Christmas. I remember last year around this time thinking "I will have my baby by next year or at least be very pregnant." It's crazy (and a little painful) to think we are no closer to that goal. I have only become a little more neurotic and depressed. It seems like anything will set me off. Santa waved to me in the mall and I had to duck in the nearest store to try to keep the tears from falling. I see adds for performances of the Nutcracker and my eyes water. This was my favorite thing about the holidays as a child and I can't wait to share it. When did the season that was my absolute favorite time of the year turn into the time of year I am seriously dreading?

I am desperately trying to hold onto the old adage of "It will happen, when it is meant to", but I am not the most patient person. Unlike the journey of trying to find the "one", if I don't succeed one night, I can't go out and try the next. I have wait an entire month to try again. At least our results appointment in about two weeks (November 29th). As scared as I am to know that something is wrong, I am even more scared that everything is going to come back and say there is nothing wrong, just unexplained infertility. I don't know if Mr. PB and I are ready to jump into medical interventions, but I also don't know if I could really continue just trying.

Ladies, I wish you a happy and fulfilling Thanksgiving. I am lucky to have a large and healthy family, which includes all four of my grandparents and four little 2nd cousins. I just need to focus on them until I am blessed with my own. Next time I post, I will have results for you.



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