October 13, 2010

The Strange TTC of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Here I am again in the dreaded 2WW and I feel like I have developed multiple personalities. I have my usual optimistic side that always looks at the glass half full (Dr. Jekyll) and a newly emerging pessimistic side that is incredibly bitter and cries all the time (Mr. Hyde). It is amazing how quickly Jekyll becomes Hyde. On Sunday Mr. PB and I went on a little pre-Halloween trip to Salem, MA and all I could think about was that this is our first real family trip (because of course I am pregnant now) and next year we start a little tradition of all of family going to Salem each year. I knew what I would do with a baby (dress him/her up in their Halloween costume, play in the park by water, visit the house of 7 gables). I was so confident that I almost convinced Mr. PB to go see a psychic, which I don't really believe in, to get some "conformation" as I called it.

Then Monday hit. Hyde took over so completely that I could barely pull myself out of bed. The productive Monday of cleaning and correcting suddenly went down the tubes. I spent two hours in bed reading a book and then forced myself to get up and go grocery shopping. I literally sobbed the entire 20 minute drive to the grocery store. I just knew I wasn't pregnant and I wasn't meant to be a biological Mommy. I was worried that we wouldn't be able to adopt even if we wanted to since we live in a small condo and both of us work full time. It was full on pessimism at its best. I didn't even think I was capable of it.

Yesterday was better simply because I was working, but I still had these stabbing pains that it just won't work for us. However these would be followed from pain that I am sure was implantation. I am sure I am not the only one who feels torn between these two sides, but it just keeps getting harder. I keep waiting for it to get easier, but it doesn't. I guess I will know the truth in less than 7 days. But today I am sure that we will be visiting the RE to admit our defeat.

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