October 21, 2010

Chemical pregnancy: Check

Mr. GB will tell you that I'm almost always right. It drives him crazy. I have a sixth sense about things and a way of predicting the future that surprises even me. And I had a feeling this past weekend that I was looking at a chemical. I don't care what anyone says--the pee sticks don't lie. And this morning's pee stick was lighter than last night's, and it was no shock that my hcg has dropped to 29.

While I would have liked to be one of those miracle low-hcg success you always hear about, why should I be? Absolutely nothing in the reproductive department has EVER gone my way. Ever. I always fall on the wrong side of the statistics. Always. My RE clinic has a 77% success rate for donor cycles. Guess where I fell? My Bitter Infertile's Bucket List just got another check mark. Whoopee.

Why won't anybody believe me when I know that things aren't going to work out? Mr. GB and his foolish optimism this morning...even my RE who seemed to think that a bum lining wouldn't cause issues. Was that some kind of sympathy diagnosis? Can I please get a refund on my embryo transfer because I effing told you so?

I have to go back again in a week to make sure my level is 0. Gee, as if I didn't spend all goddamn summer waiting for my level to go to 0. Now I get to do it again. (Isn't it ironic that I'm more pregnant when I'm NOT pregnant? That I use more pee sticks trying to get UNPREGNANT than pregnant?) And then there are all the hugs and sympathy notes from the nurses and staff. (That's 5 failures for me at that clinic, but who's counting?) I might need two checkmarks next to "Cried at the RE's office."

And is this even a loss? Or is it just some pink dye that showed up due to a chemical reaction?

And to think I thought I could get pregnant again before my due date. HA! Wasn't that a cute little bit of hope wrapped up in a $25,000 bow.

So let me tell you how I think this is going to end.

I will have a follow-up phone call with my RE. She will tell me that she really thought this would work, that I would get lucky. Maybe she'll offer me a discount on a frozen cycle. She'll tell me to wait for AF (which will be here within a week or so), and then she'll tell me to call and schedule yet another hysteroscopy so she can look for scarring. (My gut says that there is no scarring because the transfer itself went smoothly and there didn't seem to be any blockage, but who knows, maybe there is a bad patch or two.) AF is going to make Saw 3 look like a fairy tale. Now I know from experience that my first post-failure cycle always takes 40-50 days (unless she puts me on the pill). Assuming I go pill-free, this pushes us out to 2011 before I can cycle again. And that assumes I don't need any follow-up surgery to deal with scarring. So now I am very possibly looking at celebrating my 40th birthday in February with no baby and no pink dye. Or maybe we'll get lucky and have a frozen transfer on my birthday like the one we had on our anniversary. I'm going to ask for the same doctor as last time (Dr. D). And I'm going to transfer 2 and both are going to stick and we'll live happily ever after and donate our other 3 embies to another couple.

Or something like that.


Natosha said...

*sigh* My heart hurts for you, and all this... NONSENSE. I'm very very sorry for your loss and all this frustrating fertility crap. Please know we are all here for you.

<3 MB

Sarcastic Bud said...

I wish I could reach out and give you a giant hug right now. I wish there was something I could say to you to make it all better, but I know from experience there are no words.

Just know that I am thinking of you, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sunflower Bud said...

Crap! I am so so so sorry. I was truly hoping to see a great update from you. *hugs*

And yes, it's still a loss and it still hurts. I've had one and it hurt just as much as the miscarriages that I've had.

Here's hoping your levels drop very quickly!

D. said...

I am so sorry. Wow, makes me a little nervous, too. I never had a 2nd beta and I've been spotting some, which my doctor's dismissed. Maybe I should buy some more preg tests.

I am reminded how my own mother has always pounded into my head to never give up. She had a full-term stillbirth at the age of 38 (because the doctor didn't bother to c-section when she needed it), followed by a miscarriage at 39. Finally my brother was born at 40 and I at 42. . . . I am sure good things await you. I am just so sorry you have had such a difficult road. You will be a wonderful mother.

Blueberry Bud said...

I am so so sorry for your bad news. I hope that the next time you cycle, you will get a bfp that will turn into your sticky, healthy, take-home baby(ies). Thinking of you. (((hugs)))

Planner Bud said...

I am so sorry for you. I hate that this keeps happening. I hope that you cycle soon so you can have another 2010 cycle. (((hugs)))

Magnolia Bud said...

GB, I'm so, so sorry :( I'm thinking of you. Let me know if you want to talk.


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