August 26, 2010

So it begins again....

AF started to show her ugly head last night with just a little spotting. I totally broke apart. For some odd reason, I actually had hope that this cycle was the one. It would have been perfect timing in many different ways, but it is stupid to think about it now. I feel particularly bad for Mr. PB; I got into bed last and sobbed for a good half an hour. Now it wasn't just some tears; it was full on, little child someone stole my favorite stuffed animal and it stabbing it sobbing. I didn't even know I could still cry like that (I am slightly proud of myself). I have also become one of those cynical irrational women who hates all those who can bear children, even fictional characters (that sent me into another spell of hysterical crying).

With all that said, I guess it is onto cycle 9. I honestly never thought it would take this long. I guess I was idealistic and naive. Things like this happen to other people, not to me. However, no matter how I look at it. Here we are starting cycle 9 with no baby in sight. So what do we do now? I am going to begin acupuncture this cycle. I am not sure it will help, but it can't hurt. Since we have not been using bc for a year in October, I am planning on calling my OB to get some infertility testing. We really don't want to start trying treatments unless absolutely necessary.

I guess from here it is just more of the same. I am trying to stay positive, but it is getting harder each month. My hat goes off to you ladies who have been trying for much longer than we have. Any words of wisdom or advice you can give on surviving this are more than welcome. I don't know how much longer it will be until I just wave the white flag and go buy a new cat. We can be that crazy old cat couple. I am thinking maybe 15 or 20 will suffice.


Sunflower Bud said...

*hugs* It doesn't get much easier at 9 cycles or at 19 cycles (where I am now). My only advice is cry. If you feel it, let it out.

Eventually my jealousy of other babies and pregnant women went away. I realized that that isn't MY baby or MY pregnancy and I wanted MINE, not theirs. And eventually I will. I'm learning something that I've never had before... patience. It's a really sucky virtue.

Go get the testing with your OB but nothing else. If you want to start treatments of any kind, even Clomid, go through an RE. I learned that lesson the hard way and almost lost an ovary because of it.

June Bud said...

Amen Sunflower Bud! I could not have had it better myself! It does not get any easier, but I figure with atleast letting myself be emotional about it, because it is an emotional subject. Good luck...we are here for you!!!

Obsessive Bud said...

Your story reminds me alot of mine. IF you go back I'm pretty sure I had the same post you just posted. It sucks. I know I've been there. I hated every pregnant woman who got pregnant so 'easy'. I cried out of no where. I'm so sorry. I found alot of happiness in doing things pregnant woman cant do and telling myself it would eventually happen.


Jen J. said...

I'm so sorry PB - I know how you's like you never expect problems & then you somehow get to cycle #9. Sending hugs & lots of T&P your way sweetie. :)

Planner Bud said...

Thank you for all your support. It means so much to me to have you ladies here.


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