August 12, 2010

Now that I'm done being indecisive...

The Dr's visit went as scheduled. Chit chatted with Dr. Baggins, had a blood draw (I was scolded for having tiny veins, as I always am. He called me "titchy".) was told I probably don't have PCOS (huzzzah!) or a thyroid disorder (double huzzah!), but I did have to convince him that I don't have an eating disorder.

***This is a sidetrack that has nothing to do with TTC. At. All.***

Let me sidetrack for a moment. Doctors ALWAYS think I have an eating disorder. ALWAYS. I am small. Very small, and I always have been. I throw a party if I can manage to get the scale to go over 110. I have told this to every doctor I have ever been to, and yet I always get the same quiz. "What did you have for lunch today??" This puts me in the incredibly fun spot of playing "What would the anorexic say?". I usually can't say right off the top of my head what I ate, and I worry that if I take too long, he'll think I'm trying to lie. If I answer to quickly, he'll think that I am obsessed with food. It really is lose-lose. Oh well. Anyways,

***End Sidetrack***

He gave me a prescription for Clomid that I can take to any pharmacy to have filled. I thanked him (He really is very sweet, anorexic suspicions notwithstanding) and left.

On the way home though, I got this overwhelming sense of "This isn't what you need to do." It had nothing to do with fear or pride or anything else. It was simply a clear, very strong sense that we needed to wait a little longer before using the prescription. I should mention that Mr. Cherry Bud and I are Christians, and both of us are firm believers that God gives us direction for our lives. I understand that this gets me the side-eye more often than not. I'm ok with that.I'm also not saying that God came down in a pillar of flame and said "Thou shalt not CLOMID!!" I simply felt a quiet place inside me saying "Wait. This isn't the right move right now"

When I got home, I talked to Mr. Cherry Bud about it and found that he had felt uneasy about the Clomid as well and had wanted us to wait, but wanted it to be my decision, as it is my body.

So, while I do want to make it clear that I see nothing wrong with any kind of intervention to achieve pregnancy, we have made the decision to save the prescription and give my body a few more months. That prospect scares me a little. I like to have complete control over any given situation, So relinquishing the sense of control Clomid would give me is a little scary, but I am aware that God has a plan, and that Pharmaceuticals may, or may not, still be part of that plan. We will just have to see.

Hoping I'm making the right decision,
Cherry Bud


June Bud said...

aw, good for you for feeling out how you really feel and going with your heart! It *WILL* all work out in the way or another!! GL!

Worry Bud said...

GL to you - I truly admire your faith. I hope that God blesses you with a BFP soon. :)


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