July 19, 2010

#3

So, this was supposed to be the post where I was all ZOMG, SQUUUEEEEE, EEEEEEE!!!!!%^&!!! And I was going to post this picture:

Because I was pregnant. Please keep in mind here the key operative word here is "was." I was pregnant for technically 5 weeks, but was told my pregnancy would not make it on 13 DPO.

First Beta was 21, Progesterone 20 on 11 DPO. Second Beta was 24, Progesterone 18 on 13 DPO. Not good numbers at all. I was told to expect a heavy period the next week when my Progesterone dropped to zero.

Mr. SB and I packed up our things on Friday night and set out for the vacation we had previously planned with our family. We expected the worst, but hoped for the best.

The only worse thing other than a miscarriage is waiting to know if you are going to have a miscarriage. I wanted to think positive, but I wouldn't let myself considering my track record.

On the day when I would have been 5 weeks pregnant, I started to cramp and eventually started to bleed. I bled so bad that I couldn't even make it to the beach for 2 days.

And then, for the third time in the past year, it was over almost as soon as it began.

Ya, I was an emotional mess for a few hours, but I eventually pulled my shit together, and became extremely. effing. frustrated.

I want to know why this keeps happening to me. I have had the preliminary tests run by my old OB (RH, Lupus, etc.), but they have all come back negative. My saline sonogram showed positive results. After I ovulated I cut back on caffeine, stopped drinking and I took my prenatal vitamins everyday. Right now, I am at a loss. Obviously there is something TREMENDOUSLY wrong but no one knows what that is. I'm sick of being heart broken, I'm sick of freaking the hell out every time I am pregnant (I went to the bathroom about 20-30 times a day to see if I was bleeding. Yes, I understand this did not help things, but until you have had 3 lost pregnancies, you won't understand) and I'm sick of feeling like a complete and utter failure.

What is wrong with me?

My gut (no pun intended) is this has something to do with my weight. I have never been skinny. With my first pregnancy, I was heavy, but not as heavy as I am now. I have gained 30 lbs since my wedding due to stress (losing my job, my father being diagnosed with cancer, 1st miscarriage, 2nd miscarriage, losing another job). And right now? I feel like going all slamhog in my kitchen and self medicating with a bottle of White Zif like I have for the past year. But I refuse to treat myself like shit anymore.

Today I started Weight Watchers. Its a start. I will be going to a nutritionist to start a new, healthy lifestyle. I have been so obsessed and preoccupied with having a baby for the past year and a half that I think I forgot about myself somewhere along the way.

Right now I'm at a crossroads. Do I keep on trying, or do I give myself a break to heal - both physically and mentally? I'm not sure. I have an appointment with my RE on Wednesday and I suppose Mr. SB and I will go from there.

Updates to come.


9 comments:

The Domestic Princess said...

I'm so sorry =( Take care of yourself

Sunflower Bud said...

Oh SB, I am so so sorry. I was wondering what happened after our chat. And I was hoping it wasn't this. *hugs*

Do you think it's a progesterone problem?

My thoughts are with you. I hope things get better.

Sassy Bud said...

I'm sorry :(

Silver Rose said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your trouble keeping a pregnancy. I've gained 50 lbs since going on a progesterone therapy for endometriosis, and it is really diffictuly and frustrating to try to lose it (still haven't after a year of trying). I hope you have good luck with the Weight Watchers. My nutricianist urged me to eat more veggies and protein, but it can be hard to make a new routine. Greek yogurt is my favorite thing so far though! Keep us posted and I hope you feel better soon!

Ms. Understood said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Good luck with weight watchers. I hope you get some answers soon.

Worry Bud said...

I'm so so sorry to hear this SB. I was hoping that this would be it for you guys. I am sending prayers your way as your work thru what must be an extremely difficult time for you & your hubby.

I absolutely agree with you that getting to a healthy weight can make a big difference. I lost 40 lbs in about 4-5 months on WW the year before my wedding & I felt fabulous! If you stick to the plan & try to get at least a little more active than you are now, then it WILL work! Please let me know if you need anything or have any questions about WW...I'll be happy to route you on! You will be in my T&P sweetie. xoxoxo

Dandelion Bud said...

you need to have an RPL panel done, and if your doctor won't do it, then you need to find one that will. I'm heartbroken for you that it wasn't done sooner.

i'm so sorry for your loss.

Sarcastic Bud said...

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful comments and your support. This is the main reason why I wanted to join this blog - thank you for reaffirming this for me.

Blessed Bud said...

I am so sorry for your loss Sweetie. I agree with DB about the RPL Panel and the PP about Pregestrone levels. I know how you feel I am in the same boat you are. All my tests are negative and yet I have had 4 miscarriages. I know plenty of thick people who have had babies and have no problem so the whole weight thing makes me wonder. I do wish you the best on Weight Watchers.

 

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