This is Killing Me

I haven't posted in a really long time. Mainly because this is killing me. This waiting. This hoping. This completely not-in-control-of-my-own-life feeling. I hate it. There are plenty of days that I am ok. Unfortunately today is not one of them.

I wish there was something new to report, but you all know everything already. We want a baby. We can't have one because DH was laid off, and I am looking for a better job. This has been the same story for months now. No change. No interviews. No sudden lottery win that would exempt us from waiting. Meanwhile, I have 3 friends that are pregnant, a sister that is trying, and about a million and a half acquaintances and old friends that have announced on Facebook, and every single time I hear it my head knows I should be happy for them, but my heart makes me want to cry, or throw something, or run away so I don't have to hear about it anymore.

One of my friends had a baby this morning. Her second. I want to go see her and her new son, but I don't know if I can emotionally handle it. I just feel beaten down, worn out, basically spent. Maybe if I sleep on it I will be ok. Things are usually better in the morning, and a lot is forgotten with the start of a new day, but tonight, I just really needed to vent. Frankly, this sucks.