October 17, 2009

Today is October 17th, which, is a very sad day in my family. Two years ago, my grandmother passed away. It was very tragic and upsetting, so, today is always a rough day for me.

This year, I'm finding it more difficult because I'm newly pregnant. My grandmother has been there for every big milestone in my life. This one, she won't be, and there's not anything I can do to change that.

One of the saddest things was the last few times I saw her she (of course) kept pressing about the baby stuff. We really weren't ready at that point, so, it was really cute even though mildly annoying. My grandmother was a very crafty lady - she sewed, made things, collected antiques and refinished them. She showed me a wooden high chair that must have been a million years old. She was refinishing it for me and fixing it so we could use it.

After she died there was not much left around in the house and I think the high chair was there. My dad didn't realize she was doing that for us, and, since it wasn't finished and in terrible shape he threw it away. I don't think I would have wanted it - it just wasn't the same unless she did it herself. It was more the effort and the thought that I liked about it. Made me feel really special and really close to her.

Mr. Book Bud and I have considered naming our child after her if we have a girl. I worry that if we do that my child's identity will be tied to something that ended very tragically. Also, even though I loved my grandmother, she didn't exactly have the best relationship with my mom, my sister and my mom's side of the family. My parents divorce did not exactly help that. I fear that even though I'd love to honor my grandmother, it might put an unfair burden on my daughter. Maybe she needs her own name and her own identity.

So, today I'm thinking about my grandma. I'm sad that she won't be here for us in the next year as things are changing. I'll always wish things could have ended differently for her and she could have died on her own terms. But . . . all I can do is think of her today and try to move on.


Dandelion Bud said...

I understand very well how you feel right now. We lost my grandmother 4 years ago. I realize now that without losig her I may never have met DH but it breaks my heart every day that she's not here. I'm sad thatshe never met my husband, but I'm so gladshes not here to see her TTTC struggle; it would have broken her heart. Our first daughter is being named after her because she is the strongest and bravest woman I'll ever have known.


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