On to Cycle # 5

Yup that's right. On to cycle # 5. So this morning I checked my cervix as normal and there was red blood. Looks like its on to the next cycle. Now don't start saying, it could be implantation bleeding or anything like that. I don't believe it (Pessimistic much?). I'm 99.999999 % certain it's AF showing up for the weekend. Yay! Insert sarcasm here. Hey at least I can drink for all of our Halloween parties right? I rather not drown my sorrows in alcohol and THAT is a huge statement from me. I love to drink. But I would rather give it up for a little embryo. Sigh. The time will come right? That's what everyone keeps on telling me. But..

I don't believe it. Maybe its because I really thought this was the cycle. For the first time saw EWCM. We had great timing, but we ALWAYS have great timing. That doesn't help. Who knows now. I'm starting to think since it hasn't happened in the first 4 cycles.. its going to take a REALLY long time now. I feel like you either get it in the first 3 or you are screwed. I think we are screwed.

I hate this. I'm a firm believer in God. I really do believe in a higher being. But today I'm not going to lie I asked myself on the way to work this. "Really? DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH? Seriously, 1 month in the hospital with a husband paralyzed wasn't ENOUGH for us?"

Then I thought, "Oh yeah we must have ran out of "Get us out of jail cards" while we prayed for Mr. OB to live through his brain ordeal" But.. you can't run out of those. Right? I mean its impossible. I still have faith!

My next thought, "I'm going to be happy and thankful. Grateful Mr. OB is still here." It sucks we deserve a baby along with others who deserve it and are trying.

Its been 4 tries. I can't give up trying. There are couples out there who have been trying WAY longer than we have and are probably saying, "Talk to me when you have been trying 24 + months" And you know what?

They are exactly right! Its been 4 cycles. 4 months. 4 of the best months of my life. Mr. OB and I have gotten REALLY closer and I know my body so well. Even through all the sadness after AF visits I realize we can try again. We will get through this.

So what's next? Well Mr. OB is going to go ahead and get an SA to see where we are with that. Since he was in the hospital for a month and had numerous CT scans and MRIs that could have had an issue with his little boys. Nothing time can't fix. Or at least that is what I am telling my self.

In January I will go on Mr. OB's insurance. His insurance covers IF treatments which is great however, the down side, is AFTER July 2010 they stop coverage due to an increase of claims. Therefore, if we need treatment we have to get it done before then or pay out of pocket (Not cool!) But hey at least we have about 6 months of coverage. Lets hope we don't need anything and I get KU on our awesome cruise in November!