It has been quite a month

About two weeks ago, Mr. PB received some bad news. He had been laid off once again. This economy has hit him hard since he is a warehouse/manufacturing worker. These seem to be the first jobs cut. When we found this out, we were a few days into my cycle and a few days away from our first RE appointment. As I mentioned in my last post, we decided to keep our consultation to begin the process of getting answers, but we, more specifically I, decided that we need to put our TTC on hold. I just couldn't try to expand our family with only one income.
I went to my HSG on Monday. It was definitely an interesting experience. The doctor pegged me as a teacher right away and began talking about my curriculum and books as he was beginning the procedure. Definitely a little awkward. The HSG looked good. I was all clear. He did notice a slight abnormality in my uterian shape, so I will have to have an ultrasound to make sure that there isn't a fibroid or anything pushing it in.
On the heels of that good news, we found out Mr. PB got a job. It is about 40 minutes from our house and a decent pay. Just in time for O! TTC looked like it was on again this month. However that fact that he had to be in by 7 AM threw a wrench into this plan and his scheduled S/A. I ended up calling the lab and begging for him to be moved to the end of this week. While they were able to fit him in on Thursday, it wasn't the best timing. We had been avoiding, so he hadn't released in about 6 days at the time of the S/A. However when we made the appointment on Tuesday afternoon, there was really no way around it. We were able to BD that evening as well and catch my O, but I am not sure how effective it was with his S/A earlier in the day.
I still have to schedule day 3 bloodwork and an ultrasound before hearing our results on November 29th. I am not sure I can wait that long. I think I will be harassing our RE's office to try to get the results earlier. Hopefully the next few months are a little less crazy.

I demand a recount!

I love my baby. Smudge is going to come out, come hell or high water. If I have anything to say about it, the birth will be med-free and my doula will be a huge source of support for me.

To that end, I specifically requested a 6 1/2 pound child.

I don't think that was out of line - i've been through a lot to get this far, and i figure the least I deserve is a relatively easy birth.

So - to find out today that Smudge (at 35w2d) is measuring about 5 pounds and 12 ounces... well, I almost fell off the ultrasound table. Now, before you start telling me how those measurements can be way off and blahblahblah... yes I know. I'm not completely delusional. However, you also have to remember that IVF pregnancies are frequently monitored a lot more closely, and i've had a LOT of measurements done. Most done by the same sonographer at the perinatologist. So, this isn't just based off of one growth scan. This is based off of many scans in the last 5 months.

I can also tell you that we saw, very clearly, one big fat thigh, when he was measuring the femur today. No chicken legs on this kid. I just hope some of it is in his/her cheeks as well!

35 week 2 day belly shot. We forgot to take one wednesday when I turned.

Anyway - measurement wise, everything looks great. Head is measuring 35w3d, femur 35w3d and abdomen 35w5d. Baby had a full bladder today - but hey - so did mom, so that's fine. Smudge is DEFINITELY head down, but not engaged in my pelvis yet. That feeling in my ribs - i was right - it's not a foot. It's a butt. I kept telling DH it was WAY too big to be a foot. However, feet... straight down - like reverse breech. At least during the u/s when we saw a foot right by Smudge's mouth. Hands were balled up in little fists on either side of the face. But, as I'm typing, they're tapping on my cervix and I have some weird movements kind of on my liver, so who knows where this kid's extremities are now!

So, right now, Smudge is positioned really well. Head down, butt up, and body kind of everywhere. S/he certainly is big enough.

We also picked our pediatrician today. It was a really close contest; there were two that we loved. But it came down to convenience, and one just had better hours and was much closer. So - we're just about ready. Sometime in the next 5 weeks, I'm going to be a mom.

Holy crap.

Let the wait begin!

Wednesday's monitoring appointment was a bit better. My follies grew to: 18, 14, 13, 13. One dropped off so they didn't even tell me the measurement. My E2 took a nice leap to around 350 which they were very pleased with. The nurse told me that it indicated that there *could* be more than one egg. That would make me happy because I was a bit bummed at only one good follicle.

They had me trigger Wednesday night at 7pm. I shoved a bag of frozen corn down my pants to numb that butt cheek good and cold. Mr. Sunflower Bud seemed to really enjoy doing that shot. I only cried just a little bit. :) I am so not a needle person at all.

I'm hoping that the 14mm follie caught up to maturity by ovulation. I'm having cramping pains on both sides so hopefully that is a great sign of ovulation on both sides. The 18 was on the right and the 14 was on the left.

Thursday morning was the second post coital. This test was not good. My cervical mucous was much better than it was on Tuesday. Dr. P said it was clear and flowing and he was very pleased with it. However... the majority of DH's sperm were not swimming around freely. Instead they were staying in one place just shaking like they had been electrocuted or having a seizure. Dr. P let me see this under the scope and it was the weirdest thing. Mr. Sunflower Bud's sperm analysis was "donor quality" so we were perplexed by this. Dr. P believes that one of us has a sperm antibody that is causing the sperm to react this way. He estimated that only around 10% of the sperm on the slide were actually swimming properly.

So... our chances for this cycle working are much lower than we anticipated. We're giving it our all with sex twice a day until Saturday but we're really just kind of looking at it as a learning cycle. They will be better able to adjust my dosage of Follistim next cycle now that we now I need to start out at a more aggressive dose since I didn't respond very well to the lower dose this cycle.

We're also scheduled for IBT testing to determine if one of us has the sperm antibody. Mr. Sunflower Bud has to have another SA since it's been a year since his last one and they are also going to do infection testing on him as well.

Going forward, Dr. P said that we will go straight to IUI and will not consider TI anymore due to the "shaking sperm" problem.

As is in my nature... I've already started testing out the trigger because I just enjoy seeing 2 lines on a test. Already getting lighter, yay! Hopefully it won't last the whole 10 days.

Unmotivated Bud is Unmotivated

My chart is behaving a bit oddly. My temps are a good bit higher than they normally are this early in the cycle, but the hills and valleys thing looks only too familiar, so, you know, whatever.

Right now, my motivation to temp and chart is falling off the proverbial deep end. It's not that I'm giving up. Not even close. I'm just finding myself waking up in the morning and forgetting to temp, and then saying "oh well. I'll temp tomorrow." Or, like I did this morning, waking up at 7:30, rolling this way and that (because if I ignore the fact that its morning, it can stay bedtime, right? Right?), and probably completely muddling my temp. So I'm not really sure that my temps are incredibly accurate, but CM doesn't lie, and there is no way I'm ovulating any time soon.

A few firsts this cycle:

Vitex: I can't be sure if it's doing its job or not, though my sex drive is lower than normal and I've heard that's a pretty common side effect. Affect? Effect?

OPK's: Started those on Tuesday. A little early, perhaps, but I have forty of them and I don't want to miss the elusive surge. Illusive? Elusive?

NaNoWriMo: I'm participating this month. I don't think that has anything to do with my fertility, but it's still pretty nifty, I think.

Trying to force myself into motivation,

Last Ultrasound for a While

I had a repeat ultrasound today to make sure the cytotec had done its job earlier this week. There was still a little fluid in the uterine cavity, but the doc wasn't concerned and told me that at this point, I should expect wonky bleeding--I may spot for another few weeks, or the spotting may taper off. Apparently I should also expect my period in the next 4-5 weeks.

I liked the doctor I saw today--he told me that because they had confirmed I didn't have an ectopic and wasn't having any complications as a result of the miscarriage, I should hold off on having betas drawn and just test at home with an HPT in another few weeks (if that was something I'd be comfortable with). I realized while I was waiting for my appointment today that I have had six doctor's appointments since October 20 (16 days--5 pg/mc related, 1 LEEP/pap related). Plus another appointment scheduled for Monday. Two thumbs up for no more blood draws or ultrasounds for a little while!

Physically, I'm feeling pretty fine. I've picked up my running again, and it's going pretty well. My bloating has disappeared for the most part--now I'm just left with the same extra 5-10 pounds I wanted to lose before getting pregnant the first time. So it's time to lose them! In an ideal world, that number would be closer to 10, but it's tough for me to lose much while marathon training. So I'm really looking for a flatter stomach and my clothes fitting better.

Emotionally, I'm doing better. I haven't cried yet this week, and while I still think about the m/c every day, it's getting easier. After I left my appointment this morning, I got really sad to think that I would have been 10 weeks today, but it was more of an acceptance/sadness than an angry/upset sadness. It was also upsetting to see my diagnosis as "Completed Abortion." I'm now 100% behind anyone who says the terminology associated with miscarriage needs to be changed to something more sensitive/culturally competent.

Mr. Magnolia Bud and I have started talking about two big things. When we want to try again, and what level of care we're comfortable with when we do get pregnant again. If it's o.k. with the midwife, we're going to start trying next cycle (or as soon as they clear us). I also think that we are going to stay with the birth center and midwives for early pregnancy care the next time I get pregnant. We are going to give TTC a few cycles more on our own before pressing for testing, but if I'm not pregnant again by my January cycle, I'm going to be requesting testing and treatment (only if warranted, of course) for luteal phase defect.

I read a great article at inciid.org this week (link here) about luteal phase defect, and while I've suspected I have LPD for several cycles (luteal phases of 8/8/9/8 days, chart link on sidebar), it was interesting to read about the three potential causes of LPD. I know that there's no way to tell what the cause of my miscarriage was, but with my short luteal phase, I feel like something might be wrong (that can be treated). For the time being, I'll start taking Vitex along with my other supplements.

Hope you all have a great week. Lots of love and sticky baby dust to all!

-Magnolia Bud

Adoption Series Chapter 3

It did not seem to take long at all...the results of the DNA testing for lil JB's birth father came back all too quickly. There was a 99.99999 something % chance that he was his father. Now we knew. Where was this man? Well, he was in jail. We soon found out that he had been in jail more years than he had been out in his lifetime. He was in his early forties, and a life of crime was basically what he had led. We breathed a sigh of relief, because in all reality...how could a man in jail parent this darling child? Apparently, we spoke too soon.

It was not long before our case manager was calling us to tell us that lil JB had a grandmother in NY. A grandmother that worked full time, had her own apartment, and had raised three children. Well, in all actuality, I believe she raised TWO children, because lil JB's birth father had not ended up anywhere but in jail. But, she was blood and the foster care system always feel it is best for a child to be with his parents and if he cannot be with his parents, then a suitable relative or non relative. The fight began.

The case manager stated that they would have to look into her as a possible placement. This could take up to a year to determine if she was a suitable place for him to be placed, because they would have to submit paperwork through the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. It didn't matter that he was a special needs child (black and under the age of five), it still took time. The other thing the grandmother would have to do per NY state law, was become a licensed foster parent. This all seemed so far out of reach, but the state expects the agency to look into this. They must exhaust all arenas. At this point it was about February of 2007. We were feeling deflated. We were scared. We just wanted lil JB to be here with us, forever. We knew it would be a long battle.

The next thing that happened was his grandmother decided to take a trip to Florida. With her nephew in tow, she flew down here and visited with other family and friends in the area. Then the big bomb came...she wanted to see lil JB. We offered to the case manager to have her over to our home. The case manager felt it was best for the visit to take place in her office. So, on one sunny afternoon in late March, the case manager picked up my baby boy from daycare and brought him into the office to meet his grandmother, and essentially his cousin. We waited with bated breath.

My husband ironically (sometimes to the day I wonder if he really did) had a staffing at the case manager's office that afternoon. He decided he would pick lil JB up after the visit. The case manager asked him to come back to her office a few minutes after the visit was scheduled to end because she wanted to ensure that the grandmother was already gone to avoid any interaction or possible conflict. Conflict? Who us? Haha. Anyways. It just so happened that as my husband was leaving the office with Isaiah he ran into the nephew in the parking lot, who yelled out, "Bye Isaiah!" So, my hubby took it upon himself to go over and introduce himself. They got to talking, as the nephew seemed to be around our age, and apparently had a little boy back at home the same age as Isaiah. My husband offered for them to meet up down the road at McDonald's and continue the visit. The nephew agreed and said that he and his aunt would meet them their. So, off they went.

The visit went well, and my husband got along great with these relatives. As they were talking and getting to know one another, Isaiah played in the play area. All was going well. When it was time to leave, the nephew pulled my husband aside and said, "It is so apparent that Isaiah loves you, and that YOU are his father. I would hate for him to be taken away from you, when he is so well adjusted. I will talk to my grandmother and try to get her to drop the request to take custody of him. It just wouldn't be right. If we all remained in contact, I am sure that this would work out okay." My husband had never been so grateful in his life. So, now we waited in anticipation to see if the grandmother would drop her pursuit...

~June Bud

Another monitoring update...

Day 2 of monitoring didn't start out very well. Started out with a post coital test which was horrible. My CM was so thick that the sperm were stuck in it and not moving. This was not what my RE expected to see with an estrogen level of 168. I did have a very nice "I told you so" moment because I've been telling him over and over again that I have CM issues. Now he believes me. I love being right. I gloated for a good part of the morning over that.

Ultrasound showed that some of my follicles shrank and others didn't grow at all. I'm currently at: 15, 14, 13, 11, 10.

I was told that I was in pretty big danger of having my cycle canceled to poor response. *cry* I was in pretty poor spirits as I left the office and prayed for most of the day that my estrogen levels cooperated and would keep me in the game.

Thankfully, they didn't fail me. My estrogen rose to 240. Yay!

So they upped my Follistim dosage to 150 tonight. Triple my original dose! Yikes! Mr. Sunflower Bud is getting very good at giving me shots. While I was so proud of myself for doing 2 whole shots myself, I chickened out after that. He's gotten a more steady hand and it didn't even hurt at all tonight. And I had to have 2 shots instead of just 1, since I had to switch to a new cartridge.



I go back in again in the morning for another monitoring appointment and another post coital on Thursday morning. That post coital will determine if we will need to do IUI.

So more prayers tonight that my follicles kick into gear already and my estrogen rises a ton! I'm on day 7 of stims now.

Stupid Estradiol.

The nurse called me this afternoon and told me that my Estradiol level was very low for as many follicles as I have. It was only 168. She said that indicated that only one follicle was most likely functioning.

Naturally, I was completely upset. After all of this, we get ONE follicle??? *sigh*

They upped my Follistim to 75 for tonight and I go back in tomorrow morning at 8am.

We're also doing the post coital test tomorrow, which means we have to get up early in the morning to have sex. I haaaaaaate morning sex. UGH. I am so not a morning person. But there is some concern about my lack of cervical mucous. The nurse said it should definitely be noticeable by now and it's not. So here's hoping for some answers there.

Hoping for better news tomorrow. Maybe a nice spike in Estradiol and some growth of 2 more follicles. *crosses fingers*

IVF Update: BCP & Lupron

I feel like my pre-IVF cycle is moving right along!

I am on my 3rd and final week of BCP. The first few days I felt completely fine on it. Then I became an emotional mess for another few days. I think my body has finally gotten used to it. I feel totally normal now!

I started Lupron 5 days ago. Lupron is taken as an injection to my stomach. The first few injections were uncomfortable. The needle itself didn't hurt but the injection site stung for about 15 minutes after. I figured out that if I pinch the skin before putting in the needle and then let go of the skin before I pull it out, the Lupron doesn't leak out at all, which is what I think was causing the pain. Mr. Sassy Bud did my first injection, but he got home late the second night so I did my own. It was actually really easy and I prefer doing it myself. I never thought I would be able to give myself an injection so I am proud of that. I have heard some pretty nasty side effects from Lupron, but so far I haven't had any. I do my injection right before bed and feel totally fine in the morning.

On Sunday I go in for a suppression check. This is to make sure that the BCP and Lupron are doing their jobs. A few days after that I start my stimulation meds, while continuing the Lupron. I can't believe how quickly everything is happening. I should be all finished with my IVF cycle, including betas, by the end of this month.

Definitely responding!

I had my first monitoring appointment today. 5 nights of Follistim so far. I have 5 follicles. 16, 15, 13, 12, 10. The nurse said there is a risk of being canceled (they cancel with over 3 good size ones). I'm to do one more night of Follistim and go back tomorrow to see how they look. Hoping only the larger ones grow large and the smaller ones stay under 16. Still waiting on my blood test results.

My lining was at a 5, which she said was still pretty thin. They like to see at least 7 for triggering.

Since there is also a significant absence of cervical mucous, they may be doing a post coital test tomorrow as well.