On Edge.

Mr. Bossy & I have kept Lil' Bossy Bud a secret these past two weeks.  Only family and close, close friends know.  I can count on both hands how many people know that we're pregnant.

We decided this because of our miscarriage last November.  It is the most awful thing having to tell people that there isn't going to be a baby.  I NEVER want to do that again.

I've been taking it easy, and Mr. Bossy has been pampering me a lot.  Thursday evening, I went to use the bathroom before we were suppose to head out for dinner with a friend.  I always look at the toilet paper after I wipe.  It's just a habit.  This time, I saw a little bit of blood.  I immediately started shaking and ran to the kitchen to tell Mr. Bossy.  He barely got any words out before I was dialing my RE's office.  I told the receptionist my name and explained the situation.  Within minutes, my nurse was on the phone asking me what was wrong (the receptionist told her it was me). I was hysterical when I told her about the blood.  She was amazingly calm and asked me a few questions.

Is there a lot of blood?
Are you cramping?
Did you lift anything heavy today?

All of my answers were no.  She put me on hold while she spoke to my RE.  After what felt like a million years, she came back and had booked me for an 8:00 am appointment the next morning. 

I spent the rest of the evening in tears (needless to say- we did not go out to dinner) and prayed over and over again.  I called my mom and she offered to come over (she lives 10 minutes away), but I told her there was nothing she could do.  I spoke with my dad next, and he offered to take me to the doctor the next morning since Mr. Bossy couldn't take time off.  The spotting disappeared for the rest of the night.

I had sent my alarm for 6:00 am, but I woke at 5:00 and couldn't fall back asleep due to nerves.  I went ahead and got ready.  My dad arrived, and we began the hour drive to the RE's office.  He was chatty on the way, and I know he was trying to keep my mind off of things.

We got there right on time, and my nurse immediately called me back.  She took me back to the room and left me to get undressed.  I immediately put on my lucky socks!

My RE and my nurse both came into the room, and my RE asked me how I was doing.  I replied with- scared!!  She put the "magic" wand in and there it was- the gestational sac.  She measured and zoomed in.  In the top corner, she pointed out the fetus.  And then she saw it- a  flicker on the screen.  The heartbeat.  I was exactly 6 weeks, so she came into the room saying that we probably wouldn't see a heartbeat-  but we sure did.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  She said that everything looked great and for me to spend the rest of the day with my feet up.  30% of women spot a little and my RE's office expect their IVF patients to bleed.  I sure wish I had known this!

I reminded her that during my first pregnancy I had spotted, came in for a visit, saw the heartbeat, and during my return visit we discovered that the heart had stopped.  Of course, I had tears in my eyes and my lip was trembling as I said this.  I'm such a baby.  She reassured me that there was nothing else we could do.  I needed to stay positive.  My chances of having another miscarriage were extremely low.  I sure hope she is right.

Since then- the Lord and I have had many daily conversations, and I have been using "please" a lot.  I'm sad to say that I don't think I'll be officially excited until we get a little further along.  We love this baby and want to hold it in our arms more than anything.  I hope we do.