April 23, 2012

Cramps and a Bad Attitude

My temps have plumetted over the past 2 days. Not surprised tho. I knew my lack of symptoms were telling me the truth. I'm not sure why I was even disappointed on Saturday when I tested and got a BFN again. I should be used to the disappointment but it still put me in a crappy mood on Sunday. I spent the entire day cleaning just to try and keep my mind off of it. Lately, I find myself trying to do things to put my mind somewhere else. I'm so consumed with frustration and obsessed during the 2WW it's ALL I can think about. Work is boring so all I do is google this crap all day. (Not literally crap for all you sick minded like myself who are entertained by it) I've started trying to read more which has really seemed to help. Watching too much t.v. doesnt do the trick b/c after the show is over I realize I'm right back in my shitty situation again. I've gotten into baking/decorating cupckaes and of course have tried to stay busy with my other hobbies. Keeping my mind occupied has def started to help.

I have been talking to Mr.BB for those who are wondering. I'm still exceptionally frustrated with him though. I tried to talk to him last night but all he does is shut down when I try to talk about something serious. However, he did tell me that he thinks something is wrong with him and that he has has "pain" on one side of his you know what for the past couple of years. He seems to think they are "twisted." Why he hasn't gone to the doctor about this is beyond me. This could be our answer and he chooses to not care. Then he makes jokes that he has cancer and that he would rather not know if he is going to die from it. This man kills me. So, now I will have to begin a 6 month battle with him to try and talk him into going to the doctor.

I feel as if there is no point in TTC until this thing with his "boys" can be worked out. Maybe I will see what its like to not obsess for a month or two. I'm dealing with the most stubborn man in the Midwest so God only knows how long it will take him to go have this checked out. I'm going on vacation to Florida at the end of May so maybe I will try to enjoy those days by drowning in Bud Light while smoking a pack of Camels on the beach each day. Heck, I might even try Parasailing. Eff trying to protect my little ute for the next couple of months. I'm so sick and tired of being sad. I think if I were to get happy again I would be stuck so far in this depression that I wouldnt even be able to be happy again.

With that being said, you may not be hearing from me as much as you have lately. Of course I will post ANY updates as soon as they come. But I think I need a break. It's going to be difficult trying to not temp each morning. Hopefully I will be able to give myself a break......it's become an addiction.

So long for now.....

-Buckeye Bud


Diva Bud said...

Oh, Buckeye :( I know what you mean... It's so frustrating!!!! But, I can assure you, no matter how long it takes to get there, or what one must go through... The end result is surely worth it! If you talk to Mr. BB about it some more, I am sure that he'll eventually come around. If this is as important to him as it is to you, he will find a way to make it happen for both of you, and for your future together. Good luck! We are here if you need us :)

Explorer Bud said...

I am sorry to hear that this cycle wasn't the one. TTC with Fertility issues is the pits for sure!!! It puts a strain on your marriage, personal life and professional life. Some days or weeks I feel like it is all too much and I want to just curl up in a ball and hide from my troubles. Other days I am fine. I am not sure it gets better until you have received that baby but some days are better than others! Go and relax, take a break, do something fun for yourself to help lift your spirits even if it is just for a little bit. That is all you can do.
Be patient with the Hubs, I know with mine when it turned out he had morphology issues he took it hard and it took him a little while to get over that. I think men feel that if it is them it affects their manhood but if it is the woman no biggie. Men have to get over all that manly testosterone (EGO) and be willing to admit it may be partly their problem that you are not pregnant and that it isn't the end of the world if they are.

Take some time, relax, see if the Hubs comes around and maybe he will be in a better place emotionally and mentally to get his side checked out. Maybe even try counseling to see if that helps you both talk things through.

Good luck!!!

Sarcastic Bud said...

I agree with Diva - it is so worth the wait and honestly, it makes your pregnancy that much more special (not that it wouldn't have been special to begin with, but you know what I mean).

I think its time for a serious sit down talk with Mr. BB. For some reason, he is just not getting it and I can't even imagine how frustrating that is! Let him know how important to you and as EB said, I am sure that it is important to him - I think his ego is def getting in the way.

And girl - live up the non preggo life! Have yourself some booze and cigarettes! There is no shame in that. If it helps, make a list of everything you have in your life that you are thankful for. Infertility can be one of the most frustrating things to go though (especially when it is coupled with RPL), but if you make yourself aware of how awesome you are and your life are, sometimes it can make it better.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Let me know if you need anything. I am SO rooting for you.

Bossy Bud said...

Buckeye- I know all too well how you feel. Please know that you are not alone and all of us on the board are here for you. I'm sure Mr. Buckeye wants a child just as much as you do. It's probably scary admitting that there is something wrong, and he probably doesn't want to face it. Fingers crossed that he realizes soon the importance of being tested.

Buckeye Bud said...

All of your kindess brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for being so supportive and understanding of my frustration. It means so much.

I finally had a break-through with him last night and he agreed to get tested. I think he saw how sad it had made me and he finally realized. Part of his fear came from him thinking that nothing can be done if something is wrong with him. I'm not sure if they can or not, but we need to know if he is okay.I set up an appt for an analysis for next Fri. We plan on getting a hotel close to the lab since we live so far from it.
Wish us luck.

XOXO to you ALL!


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