August 20, 2011

Mini Melt Down

I received my medications in the mail on Thursday. After opening the box I was in shock a little bit for the rest of the day. I couldn't believe how many needles were in there! After looking a the protocol again that the nurse gave me, I noticed that if I am to get pregnant, they want me to take progesterone shots twice a day for the first 3 months!!! That is terrible.

The progesterone shots are the worst in a IVF cycle,(for me at least) because the needles are the longest, they go in your rear, and I am often a little sore after. Mr Lucky Bud gave me all of my shots for my failed IVF cycle. For the first progesterone shot, seeing the long needle, Mr Lucky Bud didn't want to hurt me, so he put the needle in VERY SLOWLY! I could feel it pop through layers of skin or muscles or something. It was so painful and gross. Ever since, I have really hated those shots, so I am not looking forward to two shots a day  for three months!

For some reason seeing the box of meds made everything a reality. Up until then I was looking at everything very logically. For our last IVF cycle we planned to try adoption if it didn't work the first time, partically because of cost. This time I was thinking, "oh great! Because of the lower cost, I will do three cycles of Embryo Adoption and if it hasn't worked after three, then we will adopt again."

Side thought:
I should say that we absolutly love adoption. We have had so many wonderful experiences surrounding adoption and it has changed us for the better forever. With our first adopiton, there were so many times when we were not sure if the adoption would go through. The second I held Little Lucky Bud in my arms, he felt 100% like my child, and it would have been a devistating loss to have to give him back. The birthmom had 30 days to change her mind, and we were also counting on the birthfather not showing up in court to protest the adoption. In our first adoption, it was not a perfect and smooth adoption, and we just wanted more control of the situation, which is why we opted for IVF the second time around. We love adoption so much, that we went right back to it when the IVF failed. We were so lucky with our second adoption. Things went perfectly. I still do have fears of a failed adoption though, which is why I thought that Embryo Adoption would be great. There have still been many struggles that I did not anticipate in this process, and it turns out that there really isn't an easy way through infertilty. Adoption, IVF, or embryo adoption, each one has been stressful, emotional and difficult in its own way.

Anyways, back on track, I was excited to know that we could afford three tries with embryo adoption. I had forgotten until I got all the meds, all of the emotions that I experience during our IVF cycle. When my IVF failed, I was so bummed out. I really just wanted to lay around the house, eat junk food and watch movies for the month following. The whole process was much more difficult for me than I had anticipated.

When I got my medications for this cycle,  it brought it all back and I realized that it is likely that I could feel that way again. I spent the day feeling bummed. In the evening I had a massage scheduled from a friend that I do exchanges with(I also have a massage license, but don't really practice except for exchanging for massage).

Mr Lucky Bud got home late and we only had a minute to say hi before I had to go for the massage. In seeing my mood he said I should just stay home, but I felt bad to cancel, and also thought that maybe spending time alone would help me to clear my thoughts and feel better. During the massage, when my massage friend asked how the whole embryo thing was going. As I explained how I was feeling, I  started crying, and then I couldn't stop. We had to reschedule. I felt so stupid. I should have taken Mr Lucky Buds advice to stay home!

I thought that I would feel better alone, but in the end, I really just wanted to be back at home with the fam. I brought home icecream and we ordered pizza and had it delivered to the park behind our house. We had alot of fun and I felt so much better.

Today was my third day with the shots. Today the syringe slipped out of my hand as I was passing it to Mr. Lucky Bud. The needle was a bit bent, but I moved it back into place and cleaned it off, and decided to use it anyways. Mr. Lucky Bud stabbed me twice with no success of the needle going in before we realized the needle was still bent a little. Ouch!

I am supposed to schedule my first ultrasound for August 30th, so not much will be going on until then!



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