June 19, 2011

Will 2011 be our year?

I keep giving this baby thing, and TTC in general, a lot of thought lately... and I can't help but wonder... will 2011 be our year for a sticky BFP? :-/ I know this is a strange way to start off this post, but I feel a bit weird lately... here's why...

I was so optimistic starting of 2011... we started off GREAT with a beautiful anniversary trip that turned out to mark the conception of our first child, which we lost, followed by issues with so-called "friends", tons of weddings, good news in the job department (for me) and now, the possibility of buying a property to call our own... but the thing I am craving most at the moment is a super-sticky BFP! I keep going back to
thinking about how great it was to have the first one, and I can't help but feel a wanting for that feeling again.

A local choreographer put together a piece, which I was lucky enough to witness, in which through dance and theatrics they outline the various stages of mourning. I realized that I am not quite done mourning for the loss of Baby Diva Bud. It's so strange... BFP with a loss 4 days later and I still can't get over it? What is wrong with me?! :( I guess this is just the way it is... and the piece really made me realize that everyone mourns in their own way. It's a personal process that we all need to go through. We need to allow ourselves a "Pity Party" and then, move on. My party is a bit drawn out... and sometimes I feel that I won't get over it until I get another BFP... and that really sucks.

Ugh, I hate being such a Debbie Downer lately... I just really don't have much to post about. Other than the fact
that I've been having some more vivid dreams - this last one wasn't baby related at all. And symptoms wise, I had some terrible diarrhea yesterday which had me running to the bathroom every few minutes. And why would I even be worried about my symptoms? Well, it kind of turns out the Mr. DBud and I BDed around the 18th day of my cycle, which is around when I O... so without any concrete reason, I am kinda hoping I did, in fact, O and that maybe a BFP is in the works? But now I am starting to drive myself crazy with this whole thing, and I feel I need to stop...

DOUBLE "UGH"... ok, I will stop rambling for now... it's just I have so many emotions running through my head right now, that I can't just sit here and blog clearly. Hopefully this entry was clear enough. And for any of you that are going through the same things I am... this royaly SUCKS - but somehow, I always feel that in the end, it'll all be worth it.



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