Up and Down My Emotions Go!

I don't even know where to begin this post. It has been a very.rough.week in June Bud land. It all started when I finally got in touch with the agency that licensed us as foster parents back in 2007. Let me remind you...I had called and left messages, emailed, and called and left messages, and emailed the woman whom I needed to speak to in regards to reopening our home as an adoptive placement. Finally, on a whim, at about 12 pm one afternoon last week, I just picked up the phone again and dialed. She actually answered. She sounded chirpingly (is that a word??) happy until she heard who it was on the other end of the line. Yup, honey. It 'tis me. The woman you have been trying to ignore for over two weeks. Not fair. I had been very explicit with what we wanted when I left my initial message, "hi, this is so and so, and we were foster parents. We would like to look into how our home can be reopened as an adoptive placement. We are looking to adopt a baby or toddler." So, she basically just started spewing on and on about how they are no longer licensing homes that want to adopt, unless of course we want to adopt one of the children over 11 years old that they have an abundance of sitting in the foster care world looking to be adopted. She knew we were looking into a baby or toddler, and she said that the foster homes they were licensing were only going to be utilized as foster homes, so any child placed in our home that ended up staying for a year or more would be inevitably transitioned into an adoptive home, so adopting would not be an option. OK, whatever, who cares what is right for the child involved? So, then I asked her if we could just look to adopt, and she said nope. Only if we were looking to adopt an older child. Now, I am not against adopting an older child, but this is something Mr. JB and I have thought about doing when our kids are older and can really take part in helping out a child less fortunate than ours. We are barely even 30 years old, I could not even imagine parenting a near teenager at this point in our lives. The only GOOD thing that came of our conversation was that the agency can do an adoptive home study for us free of charge, that we can then take to other agencies. They apparently do that for people who have worked with them before, as a courtesy, when they can't help us get what we are looking for. Great, thanks. Let's see how many phone calls it takes before I can actually get through to her again to get THAT lined up.

So, I was feeling pretty down. I cried a lot and really just felt like every door I tried to open kept getting slammed in my face. God forbid we want to HELP a child in need?? I just felt like their was no light at the end of the tunnel, and I really felt that things were finally taking their toll on me. Mr. JB and I had some rough patches last week, but in the end we just cried together. He is much more optimistic than me at this point, and sometimes that is helpful for me, and sometimes it frustrates me. I know he is just trying to be their for me, and to be strong. But, I want to be strong too dammit! I also got my period this weekend. Of course, I knew it was coming, but of course their is always a shimmer of hope out their in my soul that thinks just MAYBE I am pregnant. It was not even the normal, "oh here comes my period..." I had IMMENSELY painful cramps from Thursday-Sunday, and actually they were so bad Monday and today that I have been out of work. I honestly felt like my insides were being twisted and pulled. This has never happened to me before...I usually get a bit of cramping and some lower back pain, and then WHAM! She arrives. But, this time it was on and off for days, and then when she finally arrived Sunday, I thought things would look up. NOPE, I had extremely heavy bleeding, large clots, headaches, and very painful cramps. Just now today I am still cramping, but they are subsiding, the bleeding is slowing down and I just have a bad headache. So, with that and many new face book, I AM PREGNANT posts, I was beyond upset and frustrated. I am also over telling me how it will get better and things will fix itself. Really? Don't try to tell me that somewhere over the rainbow I am going to get magically pregnant and that the last 16 months my body just did not cooperate for the sake of not cooperating. Even my mother in law has chimed in, and THAT really made me lose my gourd. She is an RN, so every time something medical comes up she consults her com padres. So, I get to listen to how Mr. Urologist Man, who has never met my husband thinks this over the counter miracle drug is going to help his sperm. Really? He has a morphology and motility problem, not a sperm count problem. Oh, and Mrs. Doctor of all Doctor's told her that he can have surgery to correct the problem. Well, duh...if there IS a problem, we will look into getting it fixed...but, it all comes down to price. We don't have eons of money sitting around to just fork over. But, in mother in law land, just the fact that she can give her two cents is worth oodles of money to her. I told Mr. JB that when she has an infertility problem then she can give me advice. Last I checked...she had three kids. Sorry, I know that is vicious and mean, but I am over hearing people who have no idea what we are going through give me their piece. Just yesterday my dear friend told me that if I adopt again I will never get to look MY baby in the face when he or she is born, and just have that motherly feeling. Really? Cause, I looked in the face of 9 month old lil JB when he came to us, and I am SURE I felt the same thing. But, because he didn't come from meeeeeee, everyone feels the need to chime in. OK, vent over. On to more positive things.

We did go to dinner with some of Mr. JB's coworkers on Thursday night. It was nice to catch up with them, and they all know what we are struggling with. He works in social services, so we have some of his coworkers looking out for a baby in the system that will need a forever home. If one were to come available, we would try to take custody of the child as a non-relative placement, since the foster care avenue has not been working in our favor. I did also have a friend tell me that I should call Florida Baptist Children's Homes, which does foster care, adoption, domestic infant adoption, as well as has several shelters for children. I figured what the heck? Some people had told me that there domestic infant adoption program is not as pricey as others. We had immediately ruled out Catholic Charities and Bethany Adoptions because of the price tag. We just don't have $15,000 lying around...tax credit or not. So, I left the social worker at FBCH a message on Friday. She called me back today.

She was very sweet on the phone. I explained our situation to her, and expressed an interest in finding out more about their domestic infant adoption program. She went through a list of preliminary questions with me, and then did disclose that they currently have a waiting list. She anticipates being able to take on more couples a few months into 2011. She discussed fees and services with me (and it WAS cheaper), and I left our name on the list. She will be calling back early next year to let us know where we stand. So, that sounded promising. Of course, I HATE WAITING...but, at least this is a step in the right direction. Mr. JB was also excited. So, now we have two plans in place...1. if a child comes available from foster care that is adoptable, and 2. domestic infant adoption through FBCH. *sigh* I hope things look up soon.

~June Bud