October 20, 2010

Beta hell

Last night I had a good-old-fashioned pity party. It's something I have to hide from Mr. GB, because he gets so upset when I'm upset. I've perfected opportunistic crying. Mr. GB goes upstairs to pay bills--I cry. We go to bed and Mr. GB reads with his headphones on--I cry. I even got in a bonus cry by waking up at 3am and crying myself to sleep just moments before my alarm went off. And this morning I cried as I drove to an all-day customer meeting. Good times.

I swear 2010 has been the year of pity parties. I've had more than I can count. No, actually, I can count them, by heart:

  • Donor #1 fert report
  • Donor #1 freeze report
  • Donor #1 bad transfer
  • NT Scan
  • Termination
  • Found out D&C #2 couldn't be scheduled for over a month after my hysteroscopy
  • Donor #2 drama (break-up nearly derailed our cycle)
  • Donor #2 lining issues
  • Donor #2 low beta
I have cried more this year than I probably have in my previous 38 years combined. Fortunately I tend to cry preemptively, and thus I'm usually prepared for bad news. And sometimes I end up with good news and my crying was all for nothing. I'm really hoping today is one of those times.

So I'm on my second batch of pee sticks. Same brand but the packaging is different. The pee sticks aren't getting any lighter, but they aren't getting significantly darker. Mr. GB is still hopeful, and my cycle buddy (who had a miraculous late-implanter) is also hopeful. Symptom-wise it's hard to gauge what's going because of the massive progesterone and estrogen I'm taking. I never had morning sickness last time so I can't even count on that.

I truly am prepared for the number to go down. All things considered, I'll take a chemical over a miscarriage any day. It's one more thing to add by my Bitter Infertile Bucket List, which I'll be publishing here if things don't go my way. It's something that other infertiles can print out and track on their own. You know, things like "IVF BFN" and "Donor's worst cycle ever." And don't forget such classics as "Cycle delay due to cyst" and "Cried at the RE's office." Check check check check.

I'm going to be at a customer conference again tomorrow, so I'm going to ask my donor coordinator to just email my results because there's no way I want to get that phone call in front of other people. I'm grateful for the distraction.

More tomorrow.

Night all,
Golden Bud


Sunflower Bud said...

*hugs* I understand where the pessimism comes from. Even if you've lost hope, I'm holding on to it for you. Many amazing babies came from low beta numbers. Put the pee sticks down! All you are doing with them at this point is causing yourself extra anxiety. Right now, you are pregnant. Rub your belly, love that little baby and encourage them to fight fight fight and stick stick stick.

I look forward to hearing good news today.

Diva Bud said...

I agree... You can't go into this comparing it to past experiences. Try (as hard as it may be) to stay positive! We are all here rooting for you and Baby GB :)

Lauren said...

I'm a preemptive crier too. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and goldenbaby and wishing you the best.

Blueberry Bud said...

I really hope that your preemptive crying is for nothing. I hope to hear great news from you next week! Thinking of you.


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