Sigh...really?

Today is CD1. Let me give you a little back story on my cycle history. We started TTC in June of last year. I knew nothing, and I MEAN NOTHING about charting, following your cycle, and monitoring CM etc. I was seriously very naive about all of this stuff. I was one of those girls, that had the pregnancy fear on a couple of occasions in college, even though I was on BC, and I had no idea about ovulating and when it occurs etc etc. So, when I found out that your chances of conceiving every month is very low, I was shocked. I still moved forward with TTC, thinking that it would take me a month or two to get pregnant. WRONG. July, August, and September went by with no luck. I finally found my sense and looked more into this. I started participating on TTC boards, and was introduced to charting, and to the wonderful book. Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I read it and had a whole new outlook on things. I charted my cycle for October-January, and still did not have luck. I started paying more attention to my CM, but by April I was getting frustrated. I saw my primary care doctor for my annual pap and physical, and she suggested I see an OBGYN. So, off I went at the beginning of June. He wanted me to start using OPK's, which I had not done up to that point. He said if I did not have luck by August, then we would move forward with lab work, an HSG ultrasound, and a semen analysis for Mr. June Bud.

Mr. JB and I really took the whole trying OPK's seriously, and gave it another valiant effort. Well, I really thought that I would have luck this month. Not to be too frank, but Mr. JB and I had sex everyday the week leading up to O, and then also the few days following. I was sure we had timed it right this month. Soooooooo, on Sunday afternoon, I got the bright idea to take a pregnancy test. I was only 10 DPO, but I figured...what the heck??? We were going over to a friends house that evening, and I planned on drinking a few beers, and I wanted to make sure I was not indeed pregnant before I did so. Sooooooo, I took the test at about 4 pm, and got this...

Yes, a very.VERY faint HPT. It is really hard to see it in this pic, but it was there. I was very excited, but also a little hestitant. I could NOT sleep that night, and lil June Bud also couldn't sleep, so I was up most of the night. At 3 am, I decided to POAS again. NEGATIVE. Followed up with a digital at 9 am...NEGATIVE. I did not know what to think...was it too early still? Was I really not pregnant?? Time would tell...

Well, today, right on schedule AF arrived. I am a mixture of emotions. I cried, I ranted, and now I am trying to put my big girl panties on and move forward. I did call my doctor and schedule my HSG. I will go in for it on Sept. 2 (at the start of my next cycle). So, Mr. JB and I have one more chance for a valiant try. I will order more OPK's, chart RELIGIOUSLY this month, and monitor my CM. I just feel very deflated tonight. I really wanted to be pregnant before returning to work in a week. It is hard to pick yourself back up and keep going after AF shows. I am tired of doing it time and time again. It has only been a year!!! I can't imagine doing this for years and the girls who have I TRULY admire.

I have been pretty good about keeping my spririts up each failed cycle, but even today as I walked through the mall (I treated myself to a small shopping spree...yes, period bloat and all:-), I found myself tearing up when I saw other babies. Then of course, I went into Kirkland's (a home decoration store) and I saw tons of cute little girly things I would put in a girls nursery if we were to have a little June Bud baby girl.

I know Mr. June Bud, lil June Bud and I will have another addition to our family eventually. Whether I get pregnant naturally, we go the IUI or IF route, or we adopt again, we WILL have another little joy in our lives. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will happen, and wonderful things come to those who wait.

But, in the meantime...I am kicking my feet up tonight and enjoying a frosty Margarita.
CHEERS!