June 19, 2010

Smelling The Roses

Unfortunately, my type of personality is the one that falls on the border between slightly neurotic and complete lunatic. Throw in The Clomid Factor, and I'm sure you can guess where my head is at right now. I am the type of person who always has to be in the driver seat, and who can always manage the situation (Hi! I'm an only child - can you tell?). I am that person that strives for perfection with whatever task I'm undertaking, and because I'm that persistent? I usually achieve it.

Hello my name is Sarcastic Bud, and I am a control freak.

So, as you can imagine, infertility has hit me where it hurts. Its such a foreign concept to me that I am not perfecting the art of making a baby (Wait, I'm definitely perfecting the art of making the baby, just producing a child from it. TMI? Sorry about that - I'm also an over-sharer). And as much as I just want to hold my breath and stomp my feet in protest because I have not been able to get knocked up and keep a pregnancy for almost 2 years, I know that won't get me anywhere (except maybe a trip to the funny farm, or to the nearest preschool).

But I had a moment of clarity yesterday. I have been investing so much of my time and energy into getting pregnant, I haven't taken a moment in a long time to take in all of the wonderful moments that have been happening in my life. And the good? It far outweighs the bad. In fact, the only bad thing - ahem, bump in the road - in my life right now is this infertility business.

And I would like to take this opportunity right now to share with you, the awesomeness that is my life (in list form, because I am a master list-maker).

1. I am financially stable.

2. My complete kick ass marriage. My husband is my best friend and lover all rolled into one. I have never had a connection with anyone like I have with him. The support that we have given each other over the past year has touched my heart, and made me realize how lucky I really am.

3. I don't have a mortgage to pay. My house was inherited from my grandparents.

4. My dad is now cancer free. He was diagnosed last summer with colon cancer and it completely killed me. My dad is my hero, and to see him going through what he had to go through made my heart actually ache. But now? He's back to riding his Harley and planning his next tattoo (ya, I have a cool dad!) because he has been in remission since March.

5. My husband is the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. This is why I'm so good at trying to make babies.

6. The job I am so lucky to have. Who gets their dream job in their 20s? My job is the job I having been wishing for every since I graduated college. I still feel sometimes that I am a little girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes when I'm getting ready for work in the morning, or that I don't actually deserve this job, but ever day I walk in there kicking ass and taking names to prove that I belong there. I get paid to do what I would do for free.

7. I have a wonderful friends. Friends that will be there to dry my tears or buy me a box of wine (keeping it classy) - depending on what the situation calls for.

Yes, this list is a little self-indulgent and maybe boring for others to read, but it has helped me out a lot. If you are going through the same thing that I am, I encourage you to make a list too.

Life goes by far too quickly and if you focus too closely on the negatives, you will miss the positives that makes life worth living.

As for me, I am taking the time right now to stop and smell the roses around me. And there has never been such a sweeter scent in my life.


Sunflower Bud said...

Good for you for seeing the good things in life. I, too, try to do this as often as possible. Sometimes it's not enough and I still feel despair and the whole 'My life sucks' feeling because of this crappy infertility thing.

The perfectionist in you is going to look infertility in the eye when you get pregnant and say "HA! See I won after all!"


Ms. Understood said...

Sometimes you need to focus on what's going well for you to keep your sanity when the major thing you want you can't seem to get to. Good luck to you.

Sarcastic Bud said...

Awww, thanks Sunflower you are too sweet! I bet your life is very far away from sucking though! Just keep focusing on the positives!

I still have my eye on the prize, but I'm still trying to live my life too.

Worry Bud said...

I heart you SB! You certainly have so much to be thankful for & hopefully you'll be able to add a beautiful LO to that list very very soon. :)


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